


communion

by adieu_sweetamaryllis



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, College AU, F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2018-09-13 00:01:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 156,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9096391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adieu_sweetamaryllis/pseuds/adieu_sweetamaryllis
Summary: Four years — she'd made it four years without having Maggie Sawyer in a single class of hers despite them both going to the same school. If she hadn't seen her once or twice across campus she would've thought the girl never actually ended up attending National City University, despite both of them getting acceptance letters a few weeks before — well, before everything went up in flames.





	1. i was lying - i don’t really wanna be fine

_Criminology and Public Policy, Taylor Hall, Room E204,_ Alex reads from the schedule she'd copied down into the front of her notebook. She glances at the door in front of her, relieved when she sees the number matches the one she'd written.

She walks into the classroom, happy to see that it's relatively modern. National City University had earned a reputation as one of the ugliest campuses in the state — mostly due to its outdated architecture. Ever since, they'd started to build newer, more aesthetically pleasing buildings. Alex hasn't had a class in this one yet — most of her classes were in the old library, where the Criminal Justice program is housed.

Alex scans the room as she enters — no familiar faces.

She'd switched into this class just an hour before, when she gotten around to reading the reviews of her professors online and realized that she'd inadvertently signed up for a class with one of the most notoriously boring professors on campus. She'd just barely gotten into this section — the only other one available — taking the last empty spot in the class of more than a hundred students.

Alex doesn't mind much about her school — she’s pretty ambivalent about it. It's a state school, so it's cheap enough, and it's in National City so she can share an apartment with Kara, which saves her even more money. The one drawback is the humongous class sizes. The hundred students in this room is nothing compared to her classes in big lecture halls she had to take as a freshman.

 _Thank god those days are over,_ she thinks. She's a senior now, in her last semester, and the class sizes have become progressively smaller each year.

“Good morning class,” the professor says when he walks in. He's a large man in a suit jacket, no tie, with a big smile. _Rate My Professor did say he was  'laid-back and friendly,'_ Alex thinks. She watches as he grabs a piece of chalk, roughly writing his name in large block letters across the board. _Professor Hughes._ He stands back, admiring his work before turning to the class with that same wide grin.

“Who got my email asking you to print a copy of the syllabus?” he asks. A few hands go up — not Alex's — but most of the room stares blankly back at him. He nods. “That's what I thought, so I printed a few extra. Hold a hand up to have a TA bring you a copy — and from now on, keep an eye out for reading materials and assignments in your emails. I _will_ send you things you have to print and bring into class.”

He waits until everyone has a packet before continuing.

“Welcome to Criminology and Public Policy. If you're in the wrong room, I would take this opportunity to leave,” he says, pausing to see if anyone is misplaced. “Good.”

He walks over to a desk, pressing a few buttons on a computer before he starts to talk to the class again. Alex watches as the projector buzzes to life, shining a dull image of the syllabus onto the screen. She looks down at her own copy of the image, wondering why the guy wasted paper if he was just going to display it for the whole class to see anyway. She takes her pen and begins tracing the outline of her staple in the corner of the page.

“The majority of your work in this class will be done in groups of two or three,” the professor explains, dimming the lights as the projector finally kicks on fully. He flips to a page with a schedule of due dates. Alex feels herself losing interest already, but tries to force herself to at least take down the assignment notes. “I'm sending around a sheet now. Write your name, email and phone number. I will pick your group-mates and send you their information tonight.”

 _Just what every class needs — randomly assigned group work,_ she thinks.

“I know what you're thinking — no one likes randomly assigned groups,” the professor says, and Alex frowns. _Freaky. “_ But in this field, working with a partner is a necessity. And besides — if each of the 120 students in this class gave an individual presentation for their final project, we'd have to start those next week to get through all of you, and I don't think any of you want to have your final due next week, right? Now if you would turn to page three of your syllabus —” 

The door opens,  cutting off the professor.

“Sorry,” Alex hears a someone say in a hushed voice. She doesn't bother to look up, far more interested in the small doodle she's begun in the margins of her paper. She knows what's coming, anyway. Every professor she's ever had has used this opportunity — when some freshman or transfer inevitably wanders in a few minutes after class has started — to give the class a lecture on lateness.

“Not a problem,” Hughes responds. “It's what I like to call a teachable moment, actually.”

 _Here we go,_ Alex thinks, dragging her pen down the page.

“What's your name?”

“Maggie Sawyer.”

Alex feels like she's been punched in the gut.

Her eyes shoot up, landing immediately on the girl standing at the front of the room. Maggie looks different from when Alex last saw her — which makes sense, considering it has been years since the two were in the same room. Her style has changed, at the very least. Gone are the band t-shirts and hoodies of their teenaged years, replaced with a button down and a peacoat. Her hair is longer, but she still keeps a strand of it tucked behind her ear.

Alex's heartbeat returns, loud and fast in her chest and ears.

“Well, Maggie. You get a pass today because it's the first day, but from now on class begins at four, no exceptions. Three tardies equals one absence, and four absences gives me the option to automatically fail you.” Alex tries to breathe, looking around the room for the empty seat Maggie will inevitably fill. Her eyes land on the seat directly in front of her, one of just two open ones in the entire classroom. Alex feels as if she might throw up when the professor gestures in her direction. “Now please take a seat.”

Four years — she'd made it _four years_ without having Maggie Sawyer in a single class of hers despite them both going to the same school. If she hadn't seen her once or twice across campus she would've thought the girl never actually ended up attending National City University, despite both of them getting acceptance letters a few weeks before — well, before everything went up in flames.

Maggie turns, searching for the seat Hughes was directing her towards as Alex sinks further into her seat, hoping that by some miracle she'd become invisible to the other girl.  She can't force herself to look away though, not as Maggie climbs the stairs nor when she freezes for a second when her eyes finally find Alex.

They hold each others' gaze for a long moment before the professor begins to speak again. Maggie looks back down the stairs as if she's considering running for a moment before she ducks her head down, quickly making her way to the seat and sitting down without so much as glancing at Alex again.

She tunes out the rest of what the man up front has to say, instead fighting herself not to gape at the girl in front of her the rest of the class, but after the first minute or two she loses that battle. She taps her pencil against her paper as the seconds tick by. Her thoughts are racing, and the few that she’s able to make sense of do nothing to calm her racing heart. _What is Maggie doing here?_ This is a class just for seniors after all. _Is Maggie a criminal justice major?_ It occurs to Alex that she knows absolutely nothing about Maggie’s life now.

Alex replays the look on Maggie’s face when she spotted her and wants nothing more than to disappear. She is no stranger to anxiety, and she feels the panic bubbling uncomfortably in her chest. She needs to get out of this class, and soon.

Luckily the professor doesn't keep them long after he finishes going over the syllabus — just long enough to give them the details of their first assignment, none of which Alex absorbs because she's too busy staring at the back of Maggie Sawyer's head, which hangs as she props herself up on her hands.

“Well, I don't want to be the stingy professor who holds you for the full class on the first day,” Hughes says, flashing the class a smile. “I'll see you all on Tuesday. Don't forget to look for that email from me later on.”

Alex stands before the words are out of his mouth, quickly slipping behind her classmates' seats before making her way towards the door. Her heart hasn't stopped racing since Maggie announced herself, and she needs fresh air, like _now_.

She catches a glimpse as she rounds the corner — Maggie, moving quickly after her. _Shit_ , she thinks. If the crushing weight on her chest from just being in the same room as Maggie is any indication, Alex isn't ready to deal with this. _I wouldn't even know what to say — sorry I broke your heart for no good reason?_

They hadn't ended their friendship on the best of terms.

Alex lengthens her stride when she gets outside, assuming she can at least outpace the shorter girl.

She's wrong.

“Alex — Alex, _wait_ ,” Maggie says, catching her by the arm just as she reaches the parking lot. Alex shrugs her off, a bit rougher than she had intended to, but her arm burns where Maggie's hand had landed. The touch stops her in her tracks. Her legs don't seem to be working — not the way she wants them to at least. Instead of continuing, walking far away from this mess, she finds herself turning around. She's not prepared for Maggie's large eyes, looking at Alex as if she'd been slapped as her hand drops back down to her side. “I uh — I'm sorry. I'll switch out as soon as I get home. I didn't know you were in this class.”

Alex fidgets. She hasn't seen Maggie — really _seen_ her, not just glimpses across the quad — since high school graduation. She can't tear her eyes away now that she's up close. She looks mostly the same and somehow entirely foreign, a scar across her brow and cheekbones more pronounced than the soft-faced friend she’d once known. Alex swallows against the lump in her throat and blinks, forcing herself to stop staring.

“You don't have to do that,” she says, grimacing at the shakiness in her voice. “I should be the one to switch, anyway. I registered last minute, so it'll be no big deal to switch out.”

Maggie opens her mouth, fumbling for words for a second before she nods. “If you're sure.” The words hang in the air for a moment as she looks at Alex, as if she's considering saying something else before deciding against it. Instead, she makes to leave. “Have a good semester.” She gives Alex a forced smile before moving past her.

Alex spins, eyes following Maggie as she walks through the parking lot. Her legs, unable to move just moments before, burn to continue after her, to take the few long strides required to catch the smaller girl, but she holds herself back. She doesn't deserve to chase after Maggie — not after what she did to her. Besides, she's almost certain that Maggie doesn't want anything to do with her. Sure, she'd been the one to initiate their freeze-out, but she knew Maggie had been avoiding her just as much as she had Maggie.

 _“I didn't know you were in this class,”_ she remembers Maggie saying.

Maggie reaches her car, unlocking it with the push of a button and opening her door to climb in, but not before taking one more quick glance up Alex. She stops when she sees Alex's eyes are still on her. Her arm twitches at her side, and for a second Alex thinks she might wave at her, but she just gives her a barely passable smile before ducking her head into the car.  

Alex doesn't let herself watch Maggie pull away, and instead starts her walk to her own car. It's a forty minute commute to the home she shares with her sister, and Kara will be pretty pissed if she missed dinner.

//

Alex finds Kara in the kitchen, knife in hand as she dances to the music on the radio. Kara turns to face her when she hears the door close.

She puts down the knife to hug her sister as she walks in. “Hey! How'd it go?”

Alex shrugs. “Not bad as far as first days go.” She sits on the other side of the island, watching as Kara returns to her vegetables.

“That's not saying a lot for the _last first day_ of your undergraduate career,” Kara points out, frowning. “Something wrong?”

Alex sighs. Kara had an uncanny ability to read her like an open book. “I saw Maggie today,” Alex says.

“Maggie Sawyer?” she asks. Alex nods. Kara pauses for a moment before continuing to chop. “And how was that?” she says, voice a little too level.

“Just about as awful as you'd expect,” Alex says. She's not sure how much Kara picked up on in their younger years, whether she knows the full extent of what happened senior year. “We're in the same criminology class. She followed me out afterwards, offered to switch but I know there's another section that fits in my schedule so I said I would. And... then she left.”

“It doesn't sound like it went _that_ bad,” Kara teases.

“Trust me,” Alex says with a wry smile. “It did.”

Tears begin to prick at her eyes, and she sighs, blinking them away. She knew she shouldn't have brought this up to Kara; talking to Kara about her feelings never seems to fail to make her cry. She knows it’s useless to try to fight the tears as soon as Kara's spotted them. She comes and sits next to Alex, eyes suddenly much more sympathetic than they were just seconds earlier.

“You know, you never really told me what happened between the two of you,” Kara says, voice soft as she regards her sister.

Alex nods slowly, letting out a slow breath. “I am aware of that, yeah.” She'd spent plenty of nights crying in Kara's bed the summer after senior year, her sister rubbing soothing circles in her back until she fell asleep, but she'd never told Kara the details of her broken heart. In fact, she'd never told anybody.

“I know something bad happened, and you never wanted to talk about it, but it might help,” Kara says, nudging her. “I'm just saying, if you want to talk you know I'm always here.”

Alex sighs. It only takes her a second to decide that it's way passed time that she opened up to Kara about this particular wound. _She knows everything else about me now, after all,_ she thinks.

She clears her throat.  “It was uh — before I realized, you know, that I was gay. Maggie kissed me,” she says, letting out a breathy laugh as she does. The faint smile on her mouth only lasts for a moment before faltering. “After prom. She kissed me and I — I freaked out.” She wrings her hands. “I told her that I wasn't like _that_ , and that I didn't think we could keep being friends.”

 _And then you cut her out of your life completely,_ she thinks. _Asshole._

Kara considers her words for a second. “So did you have feelings for her?”

Alex nods, slowly. “I think I was in love with her.” The admission finally makes her break, and Kara is quick to pull her into a hug as soon as she starts to cry. Alex burrows into her shoulder, and Kara's arms are secure as they hold her tightly, hand coming up to play with Alex's hair. It's soothing, and Alex finds herself calming after only a few seconds of the familiar comfort. They sit together in silence until Alex's breathing returns to normal.

“I'm sorry,” Kara says a minute later.

Alex sniffles. “For?”

“That you went through all of this alone,” Kara says. “I'm sorry I didn't notice, that I wasn't there.”

Alex pulls back, shaking her head as she looks at Kara. “You were there, even if you didn't know why you were,” she says.

Kara gives her a warm smile  before tilting her head. “So, what're you going to do now?”

Alex sighs. “Now... I'm going to switch into a class with the most boring professor on campus.”

Kara leans forward as she stands, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Okay. If you're sure that's what you want. Dinner is in ten.” She walks around to the other side of the counter, peeking in on the covered pot on the stove.

“Sounds good,” Alex says. She pulls out her phone, logging onto the student portal. She still had the other section of the class saved in her cart, but when she opens the page, it's blank.

She frowns, typing the class name into the search bar. The first results are not encouraging.

_Availability: Waitlist._

“Shit,” she says under her breath. She scrolls, growing more panicked as the other results display the same message.

“What's wrong?” Kara asks from behind her.

“All the other sections are full,” Alex says. “There are no open classes. I guess even Skinner's class fills up when there's no other options.”

“Yikes,” Kara replies. “And you need to take this class to graduate?”

Alex's head drops into her hands. “Yeah.”

Kara sighs. “Okay. So what now?”

Her mind racks through the options, coming up blank. _I don't have much of a choice, do I?_ Alex thinks.

“I guess for now I sign up for the waitlist and if I don't get in I sit in the back row and pretend to be invisible everyday,” Alex says, not looking up as she presses her forehead into her palm.

Kara laughs, but then gives her sister a more serious look. “You could always apologize. You know, extend an olive branch. Just because you had a falling out as kids doesn't mean you have to be awkward around each other as adults.”

Alex closes her eyes. “I don't think it'd be that easy. I really hurt her. What am I supposed to say — sorry I was a self-loathing asshole?”

Kara shrugs. “Well, yeah.” Alex shoots her a glare, but she's unphased. “Look, Alex, its obvious you've been carrying a lot of guilt about this. You've been out since sophomore year and you've still avoided her ever since. Don't you think it might be time for some closure?”

 _Right, closure_. Something she undoubtedly needs after today's conversation with Maggie, judging by how affected she was by the seconds-long interaction. She needed to take several minutes to calm her breathing before she was able to drive home from campus earlier, and the whole drive home she had been distracted by the image of Maggie's face, four years older than she'd last seen it, burned into her brain. Would apologizing really help her not feel like she'd been kicked in the stomach every day she enters class?

 _It's worth a shot_ , she decides. _Even if she tells me to fuck off._

“Yeah, I guess you're right,” she says. “I can't just avoid my problems like a kid in high school anymore.”

“Atta' girl,” Kara says. “Now wash up. Dinner's ready.”

//

When Alex returns from the bathroom, her phone screen is glowing. She feels her heart drop into her stomach when she sees it's the email from Professor Hughes, suddenly remembering his promise of randomly assigned groups during class that afternoon.

 _No one's luck is that bad,_ she says to herself, swiping to open the email.

She doesn't read past the first line.

_Your partner for the semester is Maggie Sawyer. Her number is..._

She closes the email, doesn't read the numbers — she doesn't need them. Alex would never forget the number she'd dialed so many times after 9 p.m., when minutes were free and parents were asleep.

She allows herself to really _remember_ Maggie for the first time that day — days spent passing notes under desks, finding each other in the hallways between classes, evenings spent on the phone, or in Alex's bedroom on the nights when Maggie actually managed to escape her father's strict household. When she was with Maggie, everything had this sort of effortless beauty. She had a way of making Alex appreciate every moment spent together. The mundane was enjoyable with her best friend by her side — which has made the years she's spent since they'd gone their separate ways feel more like a dull trance than a life.

She remembers the look on Maggie's face earlier that day — not angry, but hurt, confused.

 _You owe her an explanation_ , Alex thinks. _Kara is right about that._

“Alex?” she hears Kara call from the table. “What's wrong?”

Alex turns off her phone, putting on a smile as she spins to face her sister. Somehow, it doesn't feel fake. “Nothing at all,” she says, “What's for dinner?”


	2. tell me what it is you want

Alex makes it through the weekend without texting Maggie. She's not even sure what she would say if she gave in, but now that she has her number in her phone again the urge to contact her keeps coursing through her, and each time her phone buzzes she finds herself hoping it's Maggie.

It's usually Kara (or occasionally their mother).

She’s full of nervous energy all weekend, knowing that she has to contact the girl sometime in the next few days. Should she do it now and get it over with? Probably, but the idea of actually picking up her phone and writing out a message to Maggie makes her queasy. Her mind keeps returning to Maggie — and not just what she's going to say to her (in fact, she's still drawing a complete blank on that front). No, Alex finds herself preoccupied with memories, which means her attempts to focus in class Friday are in vain.

And then she can’t help but think of Maggie on Saturday night when she gets home from work just after her double and Kara insists on making grilled cheeses for a late night dinner — Maggie's favorite, and the only thing Alex bothered to learn how to cook when she was in high school. Maggie taught her.

Kara must have picked up on Alex's mood, because she cuddled up on the couch with her to watch whatever's on Adult Swim at midnight and stayed until Alex finally went to bed. She lies there until the afternoon on Sunday, scrolling through her social media feeds until her phone dies.

When she emerges from her room she finds herself alone.

She defaults to doing what does on most lazy Sunday afternoons — lounging in the living room. Except this time, Kara isn't there to choose a movie for their weekly date. No, her sister is an intern at CatCo Media, and she insists the grueling hours are worth the resume padding. Alex doesn't think any job should have the right to call you in unexpectedly on a Sunday, and certainly not an _internship,_ but Kara could not be swayed.

As such, Alex winds up surfing through the channels only to discover that absolutely nothing is on – not even that show with the hoarders. She flips through all the stations twice before finally shutting the television with a huff.

Her phone is charging in the other room – just the sight of it was making her anxious – so she instead wanders over to the bookshelf. She’d been a big reader when she’d had the time, but she’s a double major and between school and work, most of Alex’s hobbies have fallen to the side.

She frowns when she sees a long book stuck between the Song of Ice and Fire series and a book of Plath poems her mother had gotten her. The binding is a solid blue, with just the words 2012 printed across. Alex hesitates for a moment before she pulls it out.

It's her high school yearbook. She hasn't looked at it in years. She must've shoved it away in this closet when she and Kara first moved into this apartment her sophomore year. Kara graduated from high school a year early, and the only way their mother felt comfortable letting her move into the city at age seventeen was if she lived with her older sister. Not that Alex needed much convincing — she and Kara had been practically inseparable ever since Kara was adopted into her family.

Alex trails her fingers along the cover, hovering for just a moment before flipping it over. She's not sure what she's expecting to find — she hasn't looked at it since high school. The first page is sparse, with only two notes written (one is from her math teacher). She wasn't exactly popular in high school.

She flips until she gets to the middle of the book, past all the staged photos and onto the candid pages dedicated to each class. Right in the middle of the page is a picture of her and Maggie at the senior picnic, Alex’s arm slung around Maggie’s shoulders as the shorter girl laughs at something off frame.

Scrawled next to their picture is a few sentences in handwriting Alex immediately recognizes.

_Danvers,_

_Thank you for a kickass senior year. I’ll never forget it. You’re one of the coolest people I had the honor of meeting in high school. Have a great summer and stay awesome._

_Sawyer_

It’s underwhelming. Alex remembers feeling badly about it at the time – she’d written something much more heartfelt in Maggie’s yearbook, and was offended when Maggie didn’t return the effort. The few weeks leading up to graduation had been off, though. Maggie had been all but avoiding her before Alex asked her to go to prom with her.

 _“I mean, we both don’t have dates. Why don’t we just… go together?”_ she remembers saying. She wonders now if Maggie thought she was asking her out – was she? She shuts the book with a _thump_ before flopping back onto the couch.

She decides the news will have to do – maybe she’ll get an idea for their project.

She finally breaks Monday when Kara calls it an early night after dinner.

She starts by returning to Hughes' email, finding instructions for their first week's assignment reiterated. _Due this Thursday. Great,_ she thinks. She switches to her messages app, finger hovering over the New Message button before she takes the plunge.

 _Hey Maggie,_ she types out, then stares at the two words on the screen.

She hesitates — what if Maggie hasn't added her to her phone? She still thinks Alex is switching classes after all, so she would have no real reason to. And the chances of Maggie still having her number after all these years is pretty small. She doesn't consider the other possibility nagging at her — that Maggie would have no interest in being her partner for the semester she either way.

 _It's Alex,_ she adds. _I'm waitlisted for Skinner so I'm stuck in Hughes' class for now_.

She's not sure where to go from there. Does she suggest switching partners? Not that she really even wants that to happen, but is that what Maggie will want? It seemed unlikely that Hughes would let them do that anyway, but if anyone could convince him it'd be Maggie and her big brown eyes. On the other hand, they could stay partners and work separately — she could probably handle doing most of the work on her own, but it's even more unlikely that Maggie would allow that. Maybe none of that would be necessary — maybe Maggie would be willing to work with her.

Her thumb slips, pressing send on the message before it's finished. She panics for a moment before deciding it was probably better off that way — she doesn't want to say too much, right?

Alex jumps when her phone dings just a few seconds later.

 _“Okay,”_ the message reads. Alex frowns as she reads over the single word several times. That's all she gets?

 _Extend an olive branch,_ she hears Kara's voice in her head.

 _She probably thinks you hate her,_ she reasons. _I guess I didn't really give her much to respond to._

She starts typing and erases several times before she finally manages to string together two sentences. “ _I was thinking we should get together to work on the first assignment if it's due this week. Any ideas for a topic?”_

Alex bites at a nail as she reads the message over — it's too formal, she knows, but she can't think of anything better. Apologizing for years of silence isn't something that can really be done over text, right?

A new message pops up. _“Expecting me to carry your weight already?”_

Alex grins. Well _that_ certainly wasn't what she was expecting — Maggie's response is borderline friendly. She reads the message over again, smile fading as she realizes that now she has to respond. Texting has never been her strong suit.

She decides to keep it on topic. _“Never. I'll brainstorm and get back to you. How's after class tomorrow? That way we'll have until Thursday to finish.”_

 _Cool,_ she gets in reply a minute later. Then: _See you tomorrow._

She lets out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding.

Alex pours herself a glass of whiskey and coke and settles in on the couch. She finds a marathon of Criminal Minds on, and ends up watching it until past two even though she's seen every episode that plays — its one of the early seasons, and she and Maggie never missed an episode all throughout senior year.

//

She wakes up Tuesday morning with an ache in her head. She'd dragged herself to bed after waking up on the couch at five in the morning.

When she walks into the kitchen, Kara is leaning against the counter, and the smell of bacon and eggs is in the air. It's not unusual for Kara to cook herself a full breakfast each morning, complete with toast and orange juice. Alex drags her feet as she moves towards the coffee machine, internally rejoicing when she sees that it's nearly full — Kara must've made a fresh pot for her.

Alex had purchased the miniature Mr. Coffee last year when Kara announced she would no longer allow the use of the Keurig in the small apartment they shared near school — _it's wasteful, Alex,_ she remembers her sister saying. She was at first worried that it would encourage her to drink a full four cups each morning on her own, but she finds that some days even that isn't enough anymore.

Kara watches Alex for a moment as she pours herself a cup. “You have criminology today?” she asks.

Alex nods. “At four.”

“Still in Maggie's class?”

Another nod. “Yep.”

Alex doesn't notice Kara's smile as she regards her, too focused on staring at her coffee mug. “Nervous?”

Alex sighs. “I don't know what to say. Half of me is hoping that we can just pretend it never happened, and I think she honestly might let me get away with that but... but that's not fair. I do owe her an apology.”

“You do,” Kara says, nodding. “So talk to her. Just be honest, I mean — what's the worst that can happen?” she asks through a mouthful of toast.

“She'll hate me,” Alex says pointedly.

Kara shrugs. “If she was going to hate you, wouldn't she already?”

Alex thinks for a moment. “I think I'm afraid she'll be mad if I tell her that I'm gay.”

Kara takes another large bite of her breakfast. “Then she'd suck,” she says after swallowing.

Alex scoffs. “Hardly — I mean, I wouldn't blame her.”

“Alex,” Kara says softly. “You can't blame _yourself_ for the things you did while you were growing up. You were discovering who you were, and she was a big part of that — and she shouldn't hold that against you.”

“But that doesn't make what I did right,” Alex replies. “I'd love for everything to be that simple. But the truth is, I did a lot of damage denying who I was, and it wasn't just to me.”

Kara frowns. “Did you... call her something hurtful?” she asks.

Alex shakes her head. “No, I — I barely even spoke to her again after that night. Until last week, that is,” she says, cracking a wry smile. “God, life is weird sometimes.”

“ _Fate_ is weird sometimes,” Kara corrects. Alex rolls her eyes, but Kara nudges her. “I mean it. Some people... they're just meant to be together. Maybe that's what it's like for you two. I mean, what are the chances you would end up in the same class after all this time?”

Alex thinks for a moment — the chances aren't particularly good, but it certainly wouldn't take a cosmic intervention for them to wind up in the same room for the first time in years. But still, Kara may be right. This could be a sign, couldn't it? Her heart picks up speed in her chest, and she raises her mug to her lips, downing a long sip of black coffee.

She lets out a long sigh, then nods. “You're right. I'll just be honest with her,” she says.

Kara leans forward, placing a kiss on Alex's forehead. “Good,” she says. “We should get going if we want to get to campus on time. You almost ready?”

Alex glances down at her pajamas. “Just about.” She grins when Kara rolls her eyes. “Be back in a minute — make me some toast?”

//

She gets back to her apartment just after two. She has two hours before her last class and decides to use it to shower. She uses most of that time to rehearse what she's going to say when she sees Maggie.

Alex lets the warm water run over her hair as she mulls over her options. There's the straight to the point method, one that Kara would probably advocate for. _Hey Maggie — sorry I broke your heart for nothing. Turns out I_ am _actually gay, and had feelings for you that I just didn't understand... and instead of facing my fears I destroyed our entire relationship and ran away._

Alex swipes away a drip of shampoo from her eye. _Yeah, somehow I don't see that one going over well._

Then there's the nonchalant approach, which would require a level of calm that Alex isn't sure she could posses. _Maggie, listen. I know things might be awkward because of our history, but I'm sorry. I was an ass, but I'd like to make it up to you._ Maybe she could muster a cool smile. _Partners?_

Unlikely.

She's still at a loss when she rinses the conditioner out of her hair ten minutes later.

//

Alex arrives early to class again. She chooses the same seat as last time, and tries to ignore the flash of disappointment when both seats next to her are taken before Maggie arrives.

In fact, there are very few seats left by the time the other girl finally does get to class. She jogs through the door and quickly glances towards the front of the room, visibly relieved to see that Hughes isn't standing there.

The look disappears when Hughes' voice booms right behind her a second later.

“Good afternoon, class,” Hughes says as he walks in. Maggie puts on an extra boost of speed as heads for an empty spot several rows below Alex. She tracks Maggie as she walks to her seat, but quickly tears her gaze away when Maggie glances her way just before she sits down.

_Shit. Did she see me staring?_

The professor passes around an attendance sheet while he warms up the projector. “Alright class — pull out your copies of the reading I assigned over the weekend and let's get cracking,” he says.

Alex flips open her notebook and thumbs over to the notes she'd jotted down the night before, knowing she'd never remember the contents of the reading without them. Luckily Hughes' isn't one of those professors that randomly calls on students — another useful tidbit from his RateMyProfessor page — so Alex decides to lean back in her seat and try to collect her nerves before she has to talk to Maggie at the end of class, not really listening as her classmates offer their analysis of the articles Hughes had posted for homework.

She's grateful she at least has another hour and ten minutes to decide on what to say — that is, until she just barely tunes in in time to catch Hughes dismissing them just a few minutes later.

“So now, I would like you all to take this opportunity to meet with your group mates. Text each other, decide on somewhere to gather and be back in... let's say thirty,” he says. “I will be taking attendance again, so don't get lost.”

The room begins to buzz, and Alex casts a glance at Maggie, breath catching when she sees the girl looking back at her. Maggie's mouth twitches, as if she might've smiled before thinking better of it. There's something in Maggie's eyes that unsettles Alex, even from across the room.

She waits until the rest of her row has cleared before she moves, grabbing her backpack as she leaves.

“Hey,” Alex says as she approaches.

“Hi,” Maggie replies. She doesn't move from where she stands, and Alex closes the distance between them.

The silence hangs for an awkward second before Alex breaks it. “I was thinking maybe we could go to the café in the union?” she suggests. The building is just behind the library, and it has one of those student-run Starbucks that should be pretty empty by now.

Maggie's eyebrows raise for a moment before she shrugs. “Sounds good.”

They walk mostly in silence, side by side until they get into the union. Alex shoves her hands in her pockets, unsure if she should start talking _now_ or wait until they're somewhere they can have a real conversation. She decides without meaning to when she realizes that they've made it all the way to the café in total silence.

Alex is beginning to panic. _This is not how I wanted this to go,_ she thinks as she follows Maggie onto line. They're nearing the front when Maggie finally breaks the silence.

“So, about that elephant in the corner of the room,” Maggie says, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before she shoves her hands back in her pockets. She glances at Alex. “You, uh — sure you want to work with me? Hughes seems pretty chill, I'm sure he'd understand if you wanted to switch.”

“No!” Alex says, perhaps a bit too quickly judging by the way Maggie's eyebrows shoot up. “No, I — wait, do _you_ want to switch?”

It's clearly not a question Maggie is expecting, and she opens and closes her mouth for a few seconds before shaking her head. “I don't want you to be... uncomfortable,” is all she says, and Alex's heart sinks a little. She wants something a little more encouraging from the girl, some concrete sign that she too thinks they can fix things — but that's probably asking too much anyway. Alex knows she doesn't deserve for this to be easy, and Maggie's next words confirm that it won't be. “I mean you avoid coming within a hundred feet of me for four years and all of a sudden you're okay with being partners?”

Maggie has never liked to tiptoe around her issues — it's something Alex remembers fondly about her former best friend — though she does try to pass the question off as a joke, tilting her head as she smirks at Alex. But her smile doesn't ring true, and Alex recognizes this look. This is Maggie putting on a brave face; this is Maggie scared.

Alex's own face feels like it's on fire. “Right. I wanted to talk to you about that actually,” she starts. Maggie's smile drops slightly as her eyes snap to Alex's.

She falters, considers turning her back and walking away. It would be that easy, wouldn't it? But she's already walked out of Maggie's life once before though, and she'd be lying if she said the guilt hadn't been eating at her ever since. No, this is something Alex has to do, and she knows it.

She takes a deep breath.

“I'm sorry. The way I treated you... I should never have just cut you out of my life.” She barely makes it through the first sentence before her eyes begin to water. She knew she probably wasn't going to get through this without getting emotional, but she was hoping she'd last a little longer. And _god,_ she didn't think she'd start _crying. “_ “It wasn't fair, and I just was hoping that maybe we could uh — just put it behind us, start fresh.”

Maggie blinks a few times, expression otherwise blank, and Alex's heart feels like it might beat out her chest until Maggie speaks and it falls completely silent. “Nah,” she says simply, and Alex reconsiders running before she notices the smirk returning to Maggie's lips, slowly but surely. “But I do forgive you. What I did... it wasn't cool either,” she says, shaking her head. “And if you can forgive me, then I don't think we'll need a fresh start.”

Alex lets out a shaky breath before nodding. “Deal,” she says, extending a hand to Maggie. She's not expecting the way her heart kicks back into action when Maggie's fingers wrap around her own.

“Deal,” Maggie says, shaking her hand.

“Can I help who’s next?” the cashier calls, and Maggie’s hand falls away.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m in the mood for a macchiato,” she says, flashing Alex a smile.

“More of a iced latte girl myself, these days,” she says. “But we’ll stick with the caramel.”

They find a table in the corner of the room with twenty minutes to spare before they have to be back in class. Maggie slings her bag over the back of her chair as they sit as Alex settles in across from her.

“So,” she says, looking at Alex. “I’m assuming you looked at the list of topics. Any ideas?”

Alex glances at her notebook, but decides against opening it. _Don’t be a dork._ “I was thinking the effectiveness of deterrence policies?” she offers.

Maggie nods. “Right on, me too. Scared straight is bull,” she says.

Alex grins. “Don’t act like you don’t love that show, though.”

Maggie shrugs. “It’s a guilty pleasure. And don’t act like _you_ don’t indulge yourself in some terrible television.”

Alex shoots her a glare. “I stand by Veronica Mars, Maggie. It’s a good show.”

“It’s corny,” Maggie points out.

“It’s _campy,”_ Alex corrects. “And how can you not love Kristen Bell?”

“Not my type,” Maggie says.

Alex looks offended. “Are you kidding? She’s adorable.”

Maggie clears her throat. “As much as I’m sure Hughes would appreciate us using this time to debate Kristen Bell’s attractiveness – I have a feeling he’d be much more interested in our thoughts on…” she pauses as she flips open her notebook. “Whether or not the death penalty prevents murders.”

“Good point.” Alex pulls out her module. “Okay, so this first section here is on identifying existing policy,” she reads.

“I’ll take that one if you do the next one,” Maggie interjects. “No way am I touching math.”

“It’s statistics,” Alex says, as if that makes a difference to Maggie. “I love statistics.”

Maggie raises her eyebrows. “Dork.”

Alex shrugs, feels herself beginning to turn red. “It just makes sense. I like logic.”

Maggie begins to respond before she’s cut off by her cell ringing on the table. Alex catches a glimpse of the screen before Maggie lifts her phone. “ _Darla <3_” is calling, and whoever “ _Darla <3_” is, she and Maggie are apparently close, judging by the photo that pops up alongside the call of Maggie kissing a blonde girl’s cheek. Her heart sinks.

Maggie frowns. “Oh, uh – I kind of have to take this. Do you mind?”

Alex is quick to shake her head. She doesn’t want Maggie to think she feels awkward, right? “No, no, of course not. I’ll just uh – you know what, there’s only ten minutes left anyway, why don’t I just meet you back in class?”

Maggie looks at her for a moment before picking up her phone. “If you’re sure. See you in class.” With that, she quickly gets up from her seat and walks a few paces before she picks up her phone.

“ _Hey babe,_ ” Alex can just make out before Maggie is out of earshot.

Alex takes her time on the walk back to class and is still one of the first to arrive. To her surprise, Hughes doesn’t actually retake attendance – apparently his threat had worked, and most of the students return. Except Maggie, that is. Alex watches the door as subtly as she can, waiting for her to appear. She gives up when Hughes starts the lesson, forcing herself to pay attention.

//

Maggie never returns to class, and Alex can’t bring herself to text her and find out if she still wants to meet up afterwards to work on the assignment – they’d gone over who was going to do which parts, after all.

She’s disappointed when she arrives home to an empty apartment, but not for long. She’s just settled into the couch when Kara bursts through the door a few seconds later.

“Delivery!” she says with a dramatic flourish. “Someone order a pizza?”

They set up camp at the living room table with the paper plates Kara grabbed from the pizza place. Alex is happy to see that Kara had forgone the green option for the night – she really is not in the mood for washing dishes.

It doesn’t take long before Kara about her day, which Alex of course takes to mean that she wants to know what happened between her and Maggie.

“Ugh, of course she has a girlfriend. I mean _look_ at her,” Alex says, closing her eyes as her head falls against the couch.

“Well, I haven’t actually seen her in years you know,” Kara says, trailing off. She gasps. “I know! Find her on Facebook.”

“What? No!” Alex shakes her head. No, she couldn’t do that. What if she accidentally _liked_ something? The idea fills her with dread. It wouldn’t be the first time she made that mistake while creeping on someone’s profile. “I’m not Facebook stalking Maggie.”

Kara pulls out her phone. “If you won’t, I will.”

Alex groans, but makes no further protest as Kara begins typing. She watches her sister’s face as she screws up her mouth while she scrolls, agonizingly slowly from where Alex sits on the couch, before her face lights up in a smile.

“Good news. They’ve only been dating a month!” Kara exclaims, before her smile droops. “Uh – this time. They were together for three months six months ago… and the last two months of 2015.” She drops her phone back down to her hip as she looks at Alex, shrugging. “Sounds like a rocky relationship if you ask me.”

“ _Kara_ ,” Alex warns.

Kara raises her hands. “Just saying – it’s not the worst of news.”

Alex sighs. “Whatever, it’s not like I’m _interested.”_ She glances up at Kara just in time to catch her rolling her eyes. “What? I’m not!”

“Oh uh-huh, yeah, sure,” Kara says, nodding a little too quickly.

She barely dodges the pillow Alex throws at her as she runs into the kitchen. Alex is tempted to chase her when her phone dings from where it sits on the armrest. She stares at it for a moment, trying not to get her hopes up too high before she picks up her phone.

She’s surprised to see that her hopes aren’t dashed – it’s Maggie.

“ _Hey, sorry about earlier. Want to get together tomorrow night and finish that assignment?”_

She stares at the screen for a moment before breaking out into a smile. “ _Yeah, sounds good,”_ she types back. “ _I get off at eight though.”_ Maggie begins typing back right away, and Alex watches until a new message appears.

“ _Nothing like the last minute, though the library will be closed.”_ Alex frowns as she reads the message – she hadn’t thought of that. Another message pops up. “ _Want to come over mine? I live on campus.”_

 _“Yeah I work right down the road actually so that’d be perfect.”_ She sends the message and quickly types another. “ _See you tomorrow.”_

 _“Have a good night,”_ Maggie responds almost immediately. Alex reads it a few times before smiling and turning her phone screen off as Kara waltzes back into the room.

She pauses in the doorway, putting her hands on her hips. “Alex!” she says. “It’s two minutes until Brooklyn 99 comes on and you haven’t turned on the TV? What if we miss something?”

She scoops up the remote before flopping onto the couch next to Alex.

Twenty minutes later, her phone screen lights up. Alex glances at Kara before picking it up, but her sister is thoroughly engrossed in the show. This time, she _is_ disappointed. It’s not another text from Maggie – it’s a new email.

Alex only reads as far as the subject line, which reads: _Update: Waitlisted class now available,_ before she swipes to the side and presses delete without a second thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	3. i'll forget what i've done - i'll be redefined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a bit of a short chapter! Thank you for all the lovely comments :)

Wednesday is a blur of class and then work, one thing after the next. Alex usually tries to leave at least a few hours between the two, but she'd switched shifts with one of her co-workers who had given her a sob-story that Alex didn't quite believe but was too nice to say no to anyway. Besides, it's not like she couldn't use the money.

She barely finds time in between to do some work on Hughes' assignment. She's happy to find that the subject is well researched, with easily accessible data. She figures that Hughes was throwing softballs for their first module, remembering the syllabus mentioning independent research as a final project.

She texts Maggie on her break, asking for her address. The girl doesn't respond right away, and Alex leaves her phone in her jacket and doesn't get to check it until after she gets off. She's happy to see that Maggie texted back just a few minutes after Alex's break had ended.

_“Sweet. I live in Baylor, room 303.”_

Then, ten minutes later.

“ _Can you bring food? :)”_

Alex grins — Maggie is almost as bad as Kara — and the hostess, Vasquez, shoots her a look. “Who are you smiling at?” she teases, and Alex nearly drops her phone.

“Uh — no one. Just... ordering some pizza,” she says.

Vasquez raises her eyebrows. “Must be some good pizza.”

“Right. Shoot — where do you think is the best around here?”

“Julio's is a few blocks over,” Vasquez says without missing a beat. “Best sauce in town.”

Alex grabs her jacket, heading for the door. “Thanks,” she tells her as she passes by, earning her a smile from Vasquez. “I owe you one.”

//

Alex raises her hand to the door and knocks, two times. She's not ready for Maggie smiling on the other side.

“Hey, you made it,” she says, taking a step back to allow Alex into the room. It's not a dorm, like she's expecting — Maggie somehow scored an apartment. Alex had been in the lottery system her freshman year and gotten stuck with a roommate that she hated. She'd spent the entire year in the practically living in the library.

“And I brought pizza,” she says, handing the pie to Maggie.

“You're my savior,” Maggie says, taking a few quick steps to set the box down on a small coffee table in the middle of the room.

“Damn, this isn't a dorm room,” she says as she looks around. She can see at kitchenette and a living room from where she's standing. “Who'd you kill?”

Maggie laughs. “I'm an RA, actually.”

Alex gives her a long look as she shrugs off her coat. “You. Seriously?”

“What can I say? It was my calling,” she says with a shrug, before shaking her head. “No, actually, sophomore year... things were tight, and you get free room and board and a meal plan if you're an RA, so I went for it.”

“Shit,” Alex says under her breath, taking in the tiled walls and hardwood floors. “This is nicer than our place.”

“Our place?” Maggie says, tilting her head. Alex hides a smile; she's always thought Maggie looks just like a puppy when she does this.“You, uh — got a roommate?”

Alex looks at Maggie, watching as the other girl wrings her hands. _She's nervous._ “Yeah. Kara and I got a place together midtown in sophomore year. It's small but — we fit.”

Maggie grins. “Little Danvers,” she says, and Alex feels a shock runs through her at the mention of her last name — her nickname, as far as she and Maggie are concerned. “I'm happy to hear the two of you are still close.”

She shakes it off. “Inseparable,” Alex confirms with a nod. “Danvers sisters always stick together. So, you going to give me a tour?”

“Well, it's basically just this,” she gestures with her hand to the large room with a couch and television in one corner, and a small kitchen and dining area in another. There's only one door, presumably to her bedroom, which Maggie confirms when she continues. “And that's where I sleep. Bathroom's through there, which is just shitty design if you ask me, but,” she shrugs. “I'm not really complaining. It's better than Rothman. It wasn't even worth the single to be stuck as an advisor there.”

Maggie shudders, and Alex laughs. “You couldn't pay me to live there. Or any dorm again for that matter,” she says.

Maggie leads her over to the living room. “There's gotta be a story there,” she says as she flops on the couch.

“My roommate freshman year just — she was a weirdo. She tried to have sex with her boyfriend with me in the room like all the time, and one time they came back late at night stoned out of their minds and ate all of my chocolate and cookies,” Alex says.

“Didn't take you for a straight-edge kid,” Maggie says, raising her eyebrows.

“Oh no,” Alex shakes her head. “I'm not. I think everyone should have the right to put whatever they want in their bodies — just not someone else's Pepperidge Farm cookies.”

“Understandable. On that note — want a beer?” Maggie offers, starting to stand. Alex hesitates — beer and studying aren't exactly a great combination. Beer and pizza, on the other hand...

“Yeah, sure,” she says.

Maggie comes back a few seconds later with two beers and some paper plates. She flips open the pizza box, inhaling deeply before groaning. “Where's this from?” she asks.

“A place near where I work,” Alex says, grabbing a slice for herself.

“Oh yeah? What do you do?” Maggie asks.

“I'm a waitress,” Alex replies, slowly. She's not sure why, but she's somewhat ashamed of admitting that. Not that she doesn't like her job — she does, but it doesn't sound very _cool._ “It's a lot of work, but it's a job, and we get great tips on weekends.”

“Sounds solid,” Maggie says. “I work in the library.”

Suddenly her job at Noonan's doesn't sound so embarrassing.“And _I'm_ the nerd?” Alex laughs.

“Yep,” Maggie says, taking a bite of her pizza. She swallows before speaking again. “Would you judge me if I said I actually came back to class yesterday but didn't come in because Hughes was already talking? I didn't want to be the girl who got 'the lecture' twice, _”_ she says, miming quotation marks with her fingers.

Alex laughs. “Then you'll be happy to hear he didn't _actually_ take attendance again.”

“Like you wouldn't have signed me in,” Maggie says. She glances at the notebook Alex set down on the table. “You have fun with your math?”

“I found some good stuff — the math has already been done, actually, I just had to find the numbers.” Alex grabs her book, flipping it open. “I have a feeling this is going to be a research-based class.”

“And thank god for that,” Maggie says. “Working in the library _does_ come with some perks, after all.”

They pour over their notes, finding the module fairly easy to fill out once they get going. They only have to hand in one copy, so Alex does all the writing — Maggie insists her own handwriting is atrocious. Alex isn't confident, but she goes with it because it has Maggie leaning over her shoulder as she tells her the answers to transcribe.

“Want another beer?” Maggie asks as she turns on the Spotify on her PlayStation.

“Yeah, why not?” Alex responds without really considering it.

“You drive?”

“Oh. Right, I guess there is that,” Alex says, frowning She's usually more responsible than that.

Maggie pauses at the fridge door, looking at Alex for a second before reaching in and grabbing two more beers. “You can always crash on the couch,” Maggie offers.

Alex takes the bottle.

//

Their assignment barely takes another hour to finish, and is long forgotten on the living room table when someone raps heavily on the door around midnight. Maggie jumps, glancing at Alex.

 _Were we laughing that loud?_ Alex wonders.

“Sorry,” Maggie whispers to Alex before moving over to the door; she doesn't check through the peephole before opening it.

“Hey, babe,” Maggie says, but the girl on the other side of the door doesn't seem to care what Maggie has to say. Her eyes go dark as she spots Alex, feet still up on the table next to her empty beer bottles. Alex quickly drops them, straightening her back under the blonde's gaze.

“ _Really,_ Maggie?” Alex can just make out her saying.

“Darla, come on — we're working on a project for class. This is Alex,” she says, turning so she can glance back at Alex. “We're in criminology together.”

Darla's folds her arms. “Fine. Is your study session over?”

Alex stands, realizing that she's actually a little tipsy as she wobbles on her feet. “I uh— I can go,” she offers. Maggie opens her mouth, then looks at Darla, who is still glaring at Alex. “I'm gonna go,” Alex decides. She can call Kara to come and get her, she's sure her sister would understand.

“You don't have to do that,” Maggie says, grabbing her arm as she goes to move past them.

“She doesn't?” Darla asks, incredulous.

Maggie shakes her head. “You're being ridiculous. We're not doing anything _wrong,_ Darla,” she insists.

“Maybe I'd have an easier time believing that if you weren't such a —” Darla stops herself, glancing at Alex who is looking at her with raised eyebrows. “You know what. Fine. Whatever. I'm leaving.”

“Darla,” Maggie calls after her, looking at Alex with an exasperated expression before turning to follow the girl. The door swings shut behind her, and Alex is left standing awkwardly in the living room.

 _Well, that was awkward,_ she thinks, rubbing her arms as she paces the perimeter of the room. She doesn't feel comfortable sitting back down on the couch, not until Maggie comes back and tells her everything is okay. Instead she finds herself looking at the photos on Maggie's wall — her cat, a photo of her family on some beach vacation. She pauses when she gets to a photo of Maggie with her parents at graduation. She finds herself reaching forward, using the tip of her finger to trace over Maggie's face. She's smiling, but it doesn't reach her eyes.

Alex swallows thickly, forcing herself to walk away. She wouldn't want Maggie to come back to find her staring at photos of her, after all. Instead she walks over to the TV, deciding she'll look through the DVD collection there.

She's thumbing through Maggie's video games when the door finally opens again. Maggie closes the it behind her, pausing for a moment with her back to Alex to let out a long breath before she spins around with a smile.

“Sorry about that,” she says, as if she and her girlfriend hadn't just almost broken up in front of her. “Where were we?”

“Uh — I don't remember, to be honest,” Alex says, standing and closing the distance between them. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Maggie nods. “We're good. It was just... a misunderstanding.”

Alex frowns. “It sounded a little more serious than that.”

“I said it's fine,” Maggie says, taking a step back before she moves around Alex. She goes to the fridge, grabbing another beer as Alex watches her with concerned eyes.

 _She is clearly not fine,_ she thinks. _But I can't push it._

“Sorry, I didn't mean to intrude,” she says when she turns to face Maggie, who has now sat down on the couch.

“I'm sorry too,” she says, shaking her head. “I'm just... frustrated. I didn't mean to take it out on you, but I _really_ don't want to talk about it.” Her eyes are a little shiny as she looks up at Alex, who nods.

“So... I noticed you have the Mass Effect series,” Alex says, perking up as she walks back over to the binder full of games on the floor. “I started the first one when it came out, but when I was playing one day Kara knocked over my Xbox and scratched the disk.”

Maggie frowns. “You have an Xbox?”

“I _had_ an Xbox. It met an... unfortunate end.”

“Kara?”

“Yep.”

Maggie grins. “Well, good news, Danvers. You're about to enjoy a far superior gaming experience.”

Alex can't help the smile that takes over her face. She wasn't expecting to earn her nickname back so soon. Maggie doesn't seem to notice, maybe a little too far into her beer for having only taken it out of the fridge just a minute before.

//

“Oh, Ashley!” Alex says. “I remember loving her.”

Maggie sighs. “Me too. Too bad you can only romance her as male Sheppard.”

“What?” Alex asks, pouting. “That's not fair. Who can I date?”

“Well the only one you've met so far is Kaidan,” Maggie says. “And I don't want to give anything else away!”

“He seems nice, but boring,” Alex says.

“Oh, don't tell me you're into _bad boys_ ,” Maggie rolls her eyes, and Alex's smile falters.

“Nope,” she replies. _This is your chance_ , she thinks, but the middle of a video game doesn't exactly seem like the perfect time for a serious talk. At least, that's why she tells herself she's putting it off; the anxiety clawing at her chest surely has nothing to do with it.“Give me a simple, happy relationship any day of the week. Drama doesn't make things exciting, it makes things hard.”

“You're telling me,” Maggie breathes out. She looks up at Alex. “Darla and I weren't always so... complicated.”

Alex is surprised that Maggie is opening up so soon after shutting her down earlier. “What happened?” she asks, hoping she's not pushing too far.

“I slept with someone while we weren't together a few months ago. I was upfront with her about it, but ever since she's just been so jealous of basically everyone I talk to.” Maggie's brow furrows. “I don't know what I can do to make her trust me again.”

Alex puts down the controller and shifts so she's facing Maggie. “She can't blame you for being with someone else while you weren't together,” she says. “That's not fair.”

“What's not fair is her dropping in on me in the middle of the night because I didn't answer one text,” Maggie says. “I guess that's the thing about living on the same campus as the person you're dating. Sorry,” she sighs. “I'm sure you don't want to hear about my girlfriend troubles.”

“I do,” she says, but Maggie waves her hand at her. Alex frowns. “No, seriously. I want us to be able to talk.”

“Yeah? Okay, what about you then?” Maggie raises her eyebrows. “Any love life?”

Alex takes a long sip of her beer. “No. I've been single for months.”

“Months, huh?” Maggie asks. “You gotta get out more.”

Alex looks offended. “I get out plenty! There's just not that many... options.”

She'd tried online dating, but it never felt quite right. She'd gone on a date or two, usually set up by Kara, and had even had fun on some of them. It never really felt right, though. And she'd certainly never _loved_ any of them.

“Well, love isn't all it's cracked up to be, trust me,” Maggie says, as if reading her mind. “Maybe we're all better off single.”

There's a look in her eye that unsettles Alex, and she picks up the controller again.

“On that happy note,” Alex says, pressing the pause button. “It's going on two and I have class in the morning. Think we can call it a night?”

A look of disappointment flashes across Maggie's face before she smiles. “Yeah, I'll grab you a pillow and blanket. Hold on,” she says.

She disappears into the other room for a second before emerging with a throw and a pillow, which she tosses at Alex. She fumbles the catch, earning a laugh from Maggie, who leans in her doorframe, watching Alex as she sets up her makeshift bed on the couch.

When Alex looks back up at her, she smiles. “Sleep well,” she says, voice soft. And then she's gone.

Alex flops back onto the pillow. Her thoughts are racing over everything that has happened in the past few hours, continuously returning to how normal being around Maggie feels.

_It shouldn't be this easy, right? Can everything really just fall back into place like this?_

She turns her head, breathing deeply as she buries her face in the pillow. She's out within minutes.

//

Alex wakes at 7:30 to her alarm chirping, which she quickly silences. She glances at Maggie's door, listening for some indication that she'd woken her. When she hears nothing, she groggily rises.

She takes their bottles off the table and brings them to the sink where she rinses them. She's not sure if Maggie recycles, so she leaves them on the counter.

She's reluctant to leave, somehow hoping that Maggie might emerge sometime in the five minutes it takes her to gather her things. But it's only been a little more than five hours since they went to bed, and Maggie had mentioned not having class this morning. She doubts the other girl will be up for hours.

When she leaves she stops at the union for a cup of coffee, happy to see there are very few students there this time of morning. There's also little traffic moving away from the city during rush hour, so she makes it home in only half an hour.

When she gets there, Kara is sitting at the kitchen counter.

She spins when Alex closes the door.

“Oh my god. You're not still asleep?” she asks, looking between Alex and her bedroom door. “Where _were_ you?!”

“Uh — at Maggie's. And before you say anything, I slept on the couch,” Alex says, though it doesn't stop Kara from raising her eyebrows.

“Oh? And how was that?”

“Good,” Alex says, joining Kara at the counter. “Really good, actually.”

“Yeah?” Kara says with a smile. “You tell her?”

“Uh — no, but we're getting there.”

“The longer you put it off the harder it'll get,” Kara says.

“I know,” Alex sighs. “Trust me, I know.”

“Sorry, I'm not trying to stress you out,” Kara says. “I just think... Maggie will understand and I don't want you to work yourself up over nothing.” She takes Alex's hand. “It'll be okay.”

“If you say so,” Alex says, giving her a tight smile. “Do I have time for a shower?”

Kara glances at the clock. “Yeah, but barely. Want some breakfast?”

“I'll grab a cereal bar on the way out,” Alex says, earning an eye roll from Kara.

“That's hardly breakfast,” she hears her sister mumble as she turns to leave.

“Not everyone is blessed with a metabolism like yours,” Alex calls over her shoulder.

“I'm making you eggs!” Kara shouts back. Alex laughs, shaking her head as she closes the bathroom door.

//

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Shout out to Shreya (@potterpoints on tumblr) and my darling Katina (@oddshapedspace) for being my betas :)  
> If you'd like to follow me on tumblr (@aka-patsywalker) feel free.


	4. all this talk is bruising you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short-ish one, but I figured it's better than making you wait :) Once again thanks so much for the comments, they really help motivate me a ton.

Alex knows better than to be disappointed this time when Maggie arrives too late for them to really talk before class starts Thursday afternoon. Her eyes do find Alex as soon as she enters the room however, breaking into a grin as she waves at her. The smile fades as she walks up the stairs but remnants stay on her face as she keeps her head down, making her way to a seat a few rows above Alex.

As usual, Hughes is only a few steps behind her, and Alex jumps when his voice sounds loudly at the front of the room.

“Well, I've started grading your assignments. I noticed a lot of you relied on the Internet for your primary sources. That's fine — and I highly encourage you to develop that skill — but part of the reason you come to a university is to have access to its resources, and there is one that very few of you utilized for the first assignment: the library.”

At the mention of Maggie's workplace, Alex chances a glance at her, surprised to find Maggie looking right back down at her. She smiles again, and Alex feels like she might melt into her swivel-chair as she spins back around.

“So I'm giving you a mini-assignment, due on Tuesday at the start of class. I've posted a worksheet to Blackboard — sort of a scavenger hunt, if you will. Download the one for your topic and bring back one completed sheet per group on Tuesday.”

Alex feels her heart speed up — that means she and Maggie will need to spend more time together over the weekend.

Hughes launches into a discussion of their reading, and Alex finds herself doing what she has so in every other class thus far — tuning out. So much for switching into a more captivating class. Even Hughes' loud demeanor isn't enough to distract Alex from her thoughts of Maggie. The rest of the class drags by, and Alex feels every minute tick by until Hughes sends them away and the two can make plans.

He finally does an hour and a half later, and Maggie reaches Alex before she's even out of her seat.

“Hey,” she calls as she stops at Alex's row. “You parked in the north lot?”

“Pretty much always,” she confirms. “You?”

Maggie nods, smiling. “Want company?”

“Of course,” Alex replies as she comes to a stop next to Maggie. “How was your morning? I didn't wake you, did I?”

Maggie snorts. “Please. I'm practically un-wakeable before nine.”

Alex waits until they get outside to speak again. “So, I guess our next study session will have to be at the library. Ready to put your expertise to work?”

“It'll be a piece of cake.” Maggie pauses for a moment, kicking a stone on the path. “Darla will be happy — she doesn't want you over my place anymore,” she says, and Alex frowns. She'd just gotten back into Maggie's life; she doesn't want to be forced back out by a jealous girlfriend. But Maggie's next words soothe a little of that worry. “I mean, that's nuts, right? She's being so intense, I don't know what do.”

“That's — that's not fair,” she says. “She shouldn't be able to choose who you hang out with.”

“Forget hanging out. She thinks I'm cheating on her with every girl I look at. Like you,” Maggie says, and Alex swallows — Maggie _looks_ at her? “She just won't accept that we're just... two classmates working on a project together. She just wants to blow everything out of proportion,” Maggie says. “It's... I don't know what to do.”

“Maybe she can sense that you're not really being one hundred percent truthful — I mean I'm not exactly just some girl from class,” Alex says before she can think about it. As soon as she realizes what she's said she wishes she could take the words back, but Maggie is looking at her with a crinkle in her brow.

“What do you mean?” she asks, stopping.

Alex feels her heart stutter as she searches for her words. “Nothing,” she says. “Just — we have history, that's all.”

“So you think I should tell her what — that I had a crush on you in high school? You think _that_ will make this all better?” Maggie looks at her incredulously.

Alex winces at the dismissive description of what had happened between them.

She holds up a hand. “No — that's not what I meant —” she starts, but Maggie cuts her off.

“You know what — you don't have to explain,” Maggie says, taking a step back. “I don't want to talk about this anymore. Just — forget I said anything..”

“No,” Alex says, shaking her head. “Maggie —”

“Alex,” she interrupts her again, holding a hand up. “I just remembered, I told Darla I'd come see her after class. I'll see you later, okay?”

Alex watches her back as she retreats.

_What just happened?_

//

Alex thinks it'll be days before she hears from Maggie again, so she's surprised when she texts her that night as she's lying in bed.

_“So when do you want to go hunting?”_ Maggie's message says.

_No mention of earlier,_ Alex notes, and she thinks she prefers it that way. If that was a preview of what telling Maggie about her feelings will be like — well, let's just say maybe Alex is willing to put it off for a little longer after all.

“ _I don't have class until twelve tomorrow,”_ Alex writes back. “ _Want to maybe meet at the library in the morning, get it out of the way? Say around 10?”_

She leans her head against the headboard, feeling guilty for a reason that she can't quite put a finger on. _The longer you wait, the harder this gets_ , she reminds herself. But how is she supposed to tell her? It's not exactly something she can confess over their schoolwork, is it? And Maggie doesn't seem to want to touch on the subject at all, if today was any indication.

Her phone buzzes in her lap. “ _I'll bring the coffee?”_

Alex laughs. “ _Are you saying ten is early?”_

“ _Fine. No coffee for you,”_ Maggie sends back immediately.

//

Maggie is already waiting when Alex arrives at the library the next morning, her books splayed out across the table. Her head is in her hands, and Alex wonders for a moment if she's asleep before Maggie shifts, and she realizes she's just been standing there looking at the other girl for several seconds.

“Morning,” Alex says, voice apparently too loud for Maggie, who flinches away from the sound, causing Alex to laugh. “Jesus, what happened to you?” she asks, sitting.

“Maybe I drank a little too much last night,” Maggie says with a shrug.

Alex tilts her head. “Thirsty Thursday?”

“Something like that,” Maggie confirms with a tight smile. She nods at the two cups of coffee sitting in front of her. “Hope you like black coffee. The creamer in the union had seen better days.”

“I like coffee in basically any form,” Alex says. “Thank you.”

She takes a long sip before she reaches into her bag, pulling out the paper she'd printed off before coming this morning. She'd gone over the questions on Hughes' scavenger hunt, happy to find that the assignment didn't look too difficult.

“Okay so the first few are pretty easy, just testing whether or not we know how to find books. We have to find the titles of the books with these call numbers by tracking them down.”

When she looks up at Maggie, the girl doesn't seem to have registered anything she's just said. Instead, she stares at her coffee cup, thumb tracing over the logo. Alex clears her throat and Maggie jumps.

“Sorry,” she said. “What was that?”

“Nothing, just... is something bothering you?” Alex asks.

“No — just tired,” Maggie says, shaking her head. “Sorry.” She picks up her coffee and motions for Alex to continue.

“If you're sure. I was just saying the first ones shouldn't take long, he just gave us a few call numbers to find and write down the titles of.”

Maggie nods. “Easy.”

“From there we have to... pick one of the books and find a relevant piece of information that we can use in our project. I guess that's why he broke this down by topic. And then we have to properly cite whatever we find.”

“Let's do this thing,” Maggie says, standing. They leave their stuff at the table as they make their way towards the rows of books.

“Okay — first one is HV846 .A109 2012.”

“That's in the main collection. HV means social sciences, specifically criminology. The author's last name starts with A, and it was published in 2012.”

Alex lets out a low whistle. “Damn. You really know your stuff.”

Maggie smirks, but doesn't say anything before leading Alex down a hall. She follows her to an even larger room with more rows of books than Alex knew even existed at this school. She'd never really been one to hang out in the library, and when she did she stayed mostly in the quiet computer areas, rarely ever needing to actually borrow a book. She preferred to do everything online.

“This way,” Maggie says, turning down a narrow aisle. Alex feels as if the air has been sucked out of the room when she realizes just how alone they are back here. “It should be somewhere in this area.”

They search for several minutes in silence, Alex slowly walking along the bookshelf as she looks title by title. She comes to a stop next to Maggie, who hasn't moved since they've arrived. She lets herself steal a glance at the other girl and is worried when she finds a deep frown etched into her face. She forces herself to look away, back at the books, when she suddenly lets out a laugh.

“Maggie, it's right here,” she says, grabbing a book off the shelf directly in front of Maggie's face.

Maggie blinks, as if coming out of a daze. She shakes her head. “Of course it is. Sorry. I'm just... distracted,” Maggie says, folding her arms across her chest as she takes a few steps away, eyes still roaming over the books.

“So something _is_ on your mind,” Alex says. She leans against the shelf. “We can talk, you know.”

“I know,” Maggie says. She shakes her head again. “I know. That's the thing — I don't want to ruin that.”

“What do you mean?” Alex asks with a frown. “How could you ruin that?”

Maggie laughs, but it's not convincing. “Trust me. I could manage.”

“I really doubt that,” Alex says softly. Maggie holds her gaze for a moment before looking away, and Alex gets the feeling that's the end of _that_ conversation. “Okay, the next one is in this same section: HV950 .W743 2010. Want to try and even the score?”

They look through several rows before Maggie speaks again.

“I'm sorry for snapping at you yesterday,” Maggie says. Alex frowns — she would hardly categorize what had transpired as _snapping,_ but Maggie clearly feels guilty, wringing her hands as she looks at Alex. “I just don't really know how to talk to you about this stuff. And I know that I shouldn't have just left like that, but I didn't want to say something I didn't mean.”

Alex exhales, pursing her lips. She leans against the bookshelf. “Okay. I mean, I don't like the sound of that, but okay.”

“It's just.. our 'history.' I thought I was okay with it, but —” Maggie hesitates, letting out a breathy sigh as she searches for words. “I know that I shouldn't have just... kissed you without asking, but I don't think it was fair of you to just cut me out for it. And I know, you apologized and I said it was forgiven — it still is — but I can't pretend like what happened between us didn't hurt, that it didn't change me.”

“It freaked me out,” Alex says without thinking. “I'm sorry.”

Maggie rolls her eyes. “Right, because I'm a freak?” she crosses her arms, looking at Alex warily from across the aisle. “I thought we were past that.”

Alex looks at Maggie — notices her guarded posture, the weary look in her eyes — and knows she can't keep this to herself any longer. Kara was right; Maggie deserves to know.

She closes the space between them in a few quick strides, and Maggie takes a step backwards, bumping into the bookshelf. “I never thought that, Maggie,” she says, voice stern, serious. She softens with her next words. “It freaked me out because I — I wasn't ready to deal with the way kissing you made me feel.”

Maggie's mouth falls open as she blinks at Alex.

_Maybe the middle of the library wasn't the best place for that confession,_ Alex thinks. _At least there's no one around._

“Does that mean what I think it means?” Maggie asks, voice quiet as she looks at Alex with large eyes.

Alex swallows, then nods. “You were right. About me — I was... I did like you — like that,” she finishes, cringing at how she stumbles through her words.

“You — you liked me?” Maggie seems stuck in place. “When? I mean — for how long?”

Alex sighs, biting her cheek. “I don't know, always? It's hard to... I mean, things between us felt like they happened so fast but somehow you still felt like such a huge part of my life. I mean — you're — you were funny and kind and being with you always just felt... right. And I'm sorry that I ruined that,” she says in a rush.

Maggie's hands drop to her sides. “Oh,” she breathes out, before her gaze drifts to something just above Alex's shoulder. “I mean — that's uh, that's fine. That's good, actually. I'm glad I know that.”

Alex frowns. _Not exactly the reaction I was expecting_. “I just... didn't want there to be any secrets between us.”

Maggie nods a little too quickly. “Yeah, that's...” she trails off, fidgeting with her hands. Alex doesn't know what to do — Maggie won't look at her. She steps forward on instinct, but it's too late.“I, uh — I have to go,” Maggie says, stepping away just as Alex reaches forward. Her hand falls back down as Maggie takes another step back. “I'll talk to you later, okay?”

“Maggie, wait,” Alex calls after her, but the girl only turns around to offer a short wave, leaving her in the stacks alone wondering what Maggie was about to say this time that she didn't mean.

//

Maggie's stuff is gone from the table when Alex finds her way back. She hangs out in the library until her noon class, not having anywhere better to go. She looks for Maggie as she crosses the campus, knowing that it's probably in vain — there are thousands of students here, and as Alex has learned over the past four years, running into Maggie on accident is not exactly likely.

She turns down Kara's offer of pizza when she gets home — she'd just had some the night before, she excuses. Kara looks skeptical, but allows Alex to retreat to her room without comment.

She knows she should tell Kara about her conversation with Maggie, but she just doesn't want to think about it anymore tonight. She doesn't know how to feel. It's not like Maggie had seemed angry — but then again she hadn't seemed much of _anything._ She had to be hiding how she feels, right?

Unless she just doesn't care. Then again, Alex reasons, Maggie doesn't owe her anything. She'd be fully within her rights not to care about Alex's feelings.

_Former feelings,_ Alex thinks.

She's busying herself with homework when her phone buzzes. She knows before she picks up who it's from.

_“I think we need to talk,”_ the text from Maggie reads.

_Everyone's least favorite words,_ Alex thinks. She stares at the message, frowning.

“ _Okay. When?”_ she types in response.

“ _Now,”_ comes the immediate reply. “ _I'm home. Come over?”_

Alex doesn't take a second to think about it, only stopping for a moment to glance at Kara's door when she stops to put on her shoes. _I should leave a note in case I end up staying there again_ , she thinks. She scribbles a quick one on the notepad on the kitchen counter before she leaves.


	5. can i still make it right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one! This one and the last chapter were originally supposed to be one, which is why they're both on the shorter side. Next chapter will be a flashback and probably a lot lengthier :)

“ _Just come in when you get here, it's unlocked.”_

She reads over the text message again and again. Somehow the thought of just opening the door to Maggie's apartment and walking inside makes her more anxious than just knocking. It's an oddly familiar action, and a milestone she's not quite sure they've reached yet.

Still, it's not like she has much choice. She stands in front of Maggie's door, staring at it for longer than she's proud of before she finally reaches for the knob.

Maggie is on the couch, an empty glass in her hand as she looks blankly ahead.

She snaps to attention when Alex walks in. “Alex, hi,” she says, smiling as she stands. She rubs her hands on her thighs, seemingly unsure of what to do with herself. Alex decides for her, taking the few steps to cross the room to where Maggie has now shoved her hands into her back pockets.

“Hey,” Alex says, returning the smile.

She feels like she's buzzing — being in her apartment is different this time, knowing that Maggie's girlfriend wouldn't approve. Maggie had just told her that earlier that day that Darla didn't want them spending time together and by that evening was already breaking the rules. Alex isn't complaining.

“Drink?” Maggie offers, gesturing to the kitchen. Alex turns, surprised to see a bottle of scotch on the counter.

“Oh, uh — yeah, sure.”

She's never been much of a scotch drinker, but Maggie pours her a hearty glass with just a single ice cube inside. Alex raises her eyebrows when she takes it. “Strong drink. Is something wrong?”

Maggie shakes her head, then pauses. “Darla and I broke up,” she says simply. “And I — I just didn't want to be alone.”

“Oh,” Alex says, surprised. “I'm sorry, that's... that sucks.”

_That doesn't sound like 'we need to talk,'_ she thinks, but she doesn't push it. Maggie doesn't seem to have many friends, judging by her choice to contact _Alex_ with this news after their awkward conversation today. She needs to be a supportive friend right now, that's all.

Maggie nods. “We've broken up before but this feels more final, somehow. I think it's really over.” Her eyes get watery as she speaks, and she blinks rapidly before forcing a smile onto her face. “But I don't want to be a downer. We don't have to talk about it anymore — I just wanted someone to know.”

Alex barely hesitates before she puts her hand on Maggie's shoulder. “Thanks for telling me. And inviting me over.”

“Well, don't be too flattered. I don't have too many friends left,” Maggie says. “Another perk of dating Darla.”

Alex tries to pretend like she's not offended by that statement — she'd figured as much on her own, after all — and takes a large swig from her glass. She can't help but make a sour face at the taste, which makes Maggie chuckle.

“Not a fan of scotch, huh?” she asks, laughing again when Alex shakes her head. “I'll take that off your hands. There's beer in the fridge.”

“Thank god,” Alex says, visibly relieved. Maggie grins as Alex hands her the tumbler, wasting no time before taking a sip. Alex grabs a bottle, finding Maggie's eyes on her when she spins back around. “So, what's the plan?”

“Well, we only have a few more missions until we meet the character I always romance in Mass Effect,” Maggie says with a shrug. “You down?”

Alex grins. “She better be cute.”

Maggie laughs. “Trust me. I have good taste.”

//

It turns out they don't meet Liara — Maggie lets her name slip after about an hour of gameplay — until about ten hours into the game. Tomorrow is Saturday, though, and Alex doesn't have to work, so she doesn't complain as the hours pass.

Maggie begins to find Alex's playing more amusing as time goes on and she makes another two trips to the kitchen to refill her drink. Alex's aim doesn't get much better when Maggie comes back the second time with another beer for her.

After a spectacularly bad attempt at a shot Alex glances at Maggie, expecting to see her smiling. Instead her face is serious, her eyes focused downwards as her thumb traces the rim of her glass.

Alex watches her for a moment before deciding to speak up. “You okay?”

Maggie looks up at her, surprised. “Yeah, of course. Why?”

“I mean — you did just get broken up with. It's okay to feel down,” Alex says.

“To be perfectly honest, it's not Darla that's on my mind,” Maggie says, looking at Alex meaningful. Alex knows she's probably imagining it, but she swears Maggie's eyes hesitate on her lips for a second before her gaze drops back down to her glass, a wry smile on her face.

She thinks again about Maggie's textand decides that maybe she was right. As nervous as the idea makes Alex, maybe they do need to talk. Alex puts down the controller and takes a deep breath, trying to prepare herself for what she's about to say. “Listen — about earlier, what I told you in the library. Are we... are we okay?”

Maggie waits a second and then nods, though her next words don't exactly boost Alex's confidence. “Yeah, I guess we should talk about that, huh?” She glances up at Alex, then chuckles when she sees the look on her face. “Don't look so nervous, Alex. I'm not going to yell at you.”

Alex's eyebrows shoot up. “You're not?”

Maggie sighs. “I know talking about stuff like this is hard, but it was a long time ago. We've already lived through it once. It can't do more damage now than it did then, right?” she asks. “We've survived it already.”

Maggie's eyes are kind, and they fill Alex with guilt — she doesn't deserve this.

“Why are you being so nice?” Alex asks.

“It's not like I'm mad, Alex,” Maggie shakes her head. “You weren't trying to hurt me.”

“Yeah, but I _did,”_ Alex says, voice serious. “I mean, I just don't understand why you're being so cool with this.”

“It's been a few years,” Maggie points out. “I've had a while to think about it.”

Alex opens and closes her mouth — _is she saying she knew I liked her?_

“You _knew?”_ is the best she can come up with. “How?”

“I mean, no — not really. But it had occurred to me... when I was being hopeful, which wasn't all the time. Sometimes I was convinced that you were manipulative and cruel, that you were just messing with me. Sometimes I thought you probably didn't care that much at all, that I had somehow imagined the whole thing.”

Alex wonders just how often Maggie has thought of her over the years.

“But I guess what I'm trying to say is — I'm not mad at you. I was for a little bit, but over time I figured... it was more the situation, you know? It sucked,” Maggie says, shrugging. “But I got through it. And you're here now. I'm happy we're friends.”

Alex feels like she can't breathe. They're the words she's been waiting to hear Maggie say — that everything was still going to be okay, that they could still be friends — but why don't they make her feel any better? She bites the side of her cheek, unsure how to put what she's feeling into words. After an awkward pause, she decides it'd be impossible to. “Me too,” she says, forcing a smile.

Maggie smiles back, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She tilts her head towards the controller, sitting on the table. “Come on. We have a turian to expose.”

//

They play until Alex's eyes feel like they're going to fall out of their sockets. At some point, Maggie shifts so she's closer to Alex. By the time they call it a night, Maggie is nearly leaning against her, leg resting against Alex's.

When the screen goes dark, she turns to look at Alex.

Alex notices for the first time that the room is pretty dimly lit without the light of the television. It's making her sleepy already, and she wonders if this is going to be another night spent on Maggie's couch. She leans her head against the cushion as she looks back at Maggie, and she feels her heart flutter in her chest when Maggie's fingertips graze her knee.

Alex blinks because she can't believe how well this is going, that fate would throw them back together, that Maggie isn't mad, that she's sitting on her couch, that they're _friends_ again. She smiles after a second, and Maggie's eyes watch it form, lingering for a second before dragging slowly back up to Alex's.

“I'm glad you're here,” Maggie says, her voice low. Then softer, “I missed you, Danvers.”

Alex doesn't know what comes over her — maybe it's that Maggie's only a few inches from her face, her smile warm and her eyes wandering, her hand on her knee and her name on her lips.

She finds herself leaning in, slowly and then all at once when Maggie doesn't stop her.

Alex's eyes flutter shut just before she kisses her. Maggie's lips are soft against her own, barely hesitating before moving along with Alex. Her hand lifts off Alex's knee, and she misses the warmth of it until rises to Alex's elbow, pulling her in closer. Alex's mind is blank, unable to think about anything but _Maggie_ as the girl tilts her head, taking control of the kiss.

Then Maggie pulls away for a second, lets out a shaky breath. Alex begins to chase her before she stops herself. She keeps her eyes squeezed shut, too scared to open them, afraid of what she'll see — but then Maggie's leaning back in, her hands coming up to graze Alex's cheekbones and Alex can't hold back anymore.

She shouldn't be doing this — shouldn't be letting this happen, letting Maggie run her fingers through her hair as she slides into her lap. Maggie's just been _dumped,_ literally just hours beforehand — there's no way this is anything but a rebound for her. Still, Alex finds herself gripping Maggie's sides as the shorter girl's weight presses into her, pushing her backwards into the couch cushion.

Maggie tastes like alcohol, but this doesn't feel like a drunken make-out. Her kisses are precise, deliberate, and Alex has to bite back a moan when Maggie's tongue slips into her mouth.

And then Maggie is pushing again — this time, away from her. Alex forces herself to open her eyes. She's not prepared for Maggie sitting there, staring at her with wet eyes and parted lips. She blinks when Alex looks at her, shaking herself out of her stupor.

Alex exhales, frozen by shock, her heartbeat rushing in her ears.

_Fuck._

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

“Um, I —” Maggie starts, then stops, quickly moving so she's sitting next to Alex on the couch. She leans forward, puts her head in her hands before letting out a low breath. “Sorry. I shouldn't have — this was my fault. I'm just — everything with Darla. I'm in a weird place right now.”

Alex feels like her throat is closing up. “No — I was the one who...” she manages to say, gesturing between them. She begins to stand, hoping Maggie doesn't notice the wobble in her legs. “I'm sorry. I'm gonna go.”

“Alex,” Maggie says, moving to stop her. When that doesn't work, she follows her off the couch and towards the door. “Alex, don't leave.”

Alex shakes her head. She feels like she's on fire, and she's not sure if it's from kissing Maggie or the embarrassment of what a bad decision _that_ had been. “I'm sorry,” she repeats, turning to face Maggie.

Maggie's eyes are begging her to stay — but she can't. She can't face this now, not when her heart is still pounding and her lips still burning.

“You didn't do anything wrong,” Maggie says, voice soft — too soft, and Alex feels like crying.

She pauses at the door and turns, but can't quite bring herself to look at Maggie this time, not with tears in her eyes. “I'll see you,” she throws over her shoulder before pushing through the door and leaving.

The walk out of Maggie's dorm is a blur as Alex rushes down the stairs and out of the building. The cool night air smacks her in the face, and she breathes deeply through her nose, trying to steady herself — where did she park?

She spots her car in the corner of the apartment lot, but shoves her hands in her pocket as she walks past it, deciding that a walk to clear her head might be in order before she tries to drive. It only takes a few minutes for her to realize that it's not working and decides she might as well be in the warmth of her car.

She keeps replaying the situation over and over in her head. As much as she would like to blame that on alcohol, she'd barely touched her drink in at least an hour, probably more. She's not sure she can say the same for Maggie, a thought that makes her somewhat queasy. Her hands are shaking as she fumbles for her keys, and she needs to sit in silence in her car for a minute before she collects herself enough to put them in the ignition.

When she gets home, she finds the piece of paper she'd torn out of a notebook earlier still sitting on the counter.

_Kara,_

_If you're reading this, I slept at Maggie's._

_Love you._

She crumples the note and tosses it into the garbage. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felt the need to update after yesterday's episode - not enough Sanvers! Unfortunately, this chapter probably didn't leave you feeling warm and fuzzy inside either. Sorry!! 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments or on tumblr @aka-patsywalker :)


	6. i just want to be found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part one of the flashback! I was thinking it was going to be just two parts, but this got away from me (it's the longest chapter I've posted for this story) and I'm pretty sure it will end up being three. I'll try to put them all out as quick as possible so y'all don't have to wait too long to find out what happens after that angsty ending to the last chapter. 
> 
> This takes place in their senior year of high school, around 2012? 
> 
> Hope you enjoy. :)

The first time Alex Danvers sees Maggie Sawyer is winter break of senior year of high school.

Her shopping cart is ridiculous — embarrassing, when it comes down to it. But Kara has no shame, and it _is_ sisters' night. Kara had already picked out the movie — some lame romcom, probably — and had practically begged Alex to drive her to the grocery store for snacks.

So it's with three bags of chips, a box of Swiss Rolls, and two gallons of ice cream — “we need both chocolatey and fruity, Alex,” Kara had reasoned — that she meets Maggie Sawyer a few days before Christmas.

“Will that be all today?”

It's not much of an introduction.

Kara nods. “Even I have my limits.”

The girl smiles, laughs, and Alex finds herself glancing down at her name tag. _Maggie,_ it reads. The name doesn't sound familiar, despite this girl looking about the same age as Alex and Kara.

Kara's apparently thinking something similar. “So, Maggie,” she says, and the girl looks surprised to hear her name spoken. “You new around here?”

She sizes Kara up, then nods. “Guess Midvale really is a small town. We just moved here last week.”

 _And she's already got a job?_ Alex thinks. _Damn._

“Will you be going to the high school?”

Alex glances at Kara — sometimes her sister could come off as a little _too_ friendly _._ She looks back at the cashier, expecting to see a bored or frustrated face, but instead finds the other girl looking right back at her.

Maggie quickly averts her eyes to Kara. “I start after winter break.”

“Oh, cool! Maybe we'll be classmates — what grade are you in?”

Maggie smiles at Kara's enthusiasm, and Alex can't help but notice the dimples on the girl's cheeks.

 _I wish I had dimples like that,_ Alex thinks, unable to avert her eyes.

“I'll be a senior,” Maggie says. She startles when the computer dings, apparently unaware that she'd finished ringing them up. She returns to the register, pressing a few buttons.

“We might have a few then. I'm a junior. Rough, transferring in the middle of your senior year,” Kara says, frowning.

“You're telling me,” Maggie says. She presses a key on the computer. “That'll be 15.59.”

Kara pulls a twenty out of her pocket, handing it over to Maggie. Alex bags their items while Maggie gets her change. She gives it back to Kara with a smile.

“Have a nice night,” Kara says.

Alex hoists the bags off the counter, catching Maggie's eye just as she goes to turn around.

“Have a good one,” Maggie says, and Alex finds herself smiling back.

It's not until they've left that Alex realizes she hadn't spoken a single word the entire interaction.

“So, the new girl is in your grade,” Kara says as she climbs in the car. “You should reach out to her. Try to be friends.”

“You know I suck at that sort of thing,” Alex says, keys sliding into the ignition. And it's _true_ — most of her friends are Kara's friends.

The younger Danvers' bubbly personality just seemed to attract good people. Alex's own friends always turned out to be jerks.

“I'm just saying, being the new girl can be hard, especially in the middle of the year.” Kara pours. “I would know.”

Alex fakes an exasperated sigh. “It's not like I'm _popular,_ Kara _._ What good will being friends with me do? _”_

“Still, having just one person who knows you can make everything so much easier. Imagine moving to a new town, having to start all over.”

“Do you want to invite her to sit at our lunch table?” Alex asks, voice sarcastic, but Kara lets out an excited gasp.

“Alex, that's a great idea!”

//

The first time she speaks to Maggie is two days later, when Kara gets gifted a bottle of rum from one of the guys on the football team, and she insists Alex come home with eggnog so they can drink in secret up in Kara's room.

“Our own celebration!” she'd said on the phone, and Alex could never really say no to Kara.

That's how she ends up in the grocery store on December 24th, hoping desperately that there's at least one carton of eggnog left. She's relieved to find one half gallon tucked in the corner — it's not Kara's favorite kind, but they're going to ruin the flavor with alcohol anyway. She glances at the expiration date — only four days away. It'll have to do.

When she gets to the front of the store, only one register is open.

“Jesus. Why are you working Christmas Eve?” Alex says when she sees Maggie there.

“Why are you shopping on Christmas Eve?” Maggie counters.

“Good point,” Alex says. She fidgets uncomfortably, glancing down at the eggnog in her hands. “I'm sorry.”

Maggie waves her off, smile easy. “Don't be. I volunteered. I guess you could say I'm saving up to get out of here as soon as possible,” Maggie replies. “The more hours the better.”

Alex raises her eyebrows. “Well, in that case I hope they're paying you extra.”

“Time and a half,” Maggie confirms. “I think it's illegal for them not to.”

“Good,” Alex says, fidgeting when the conversation wanes. She watched as Maggie scans the single item.

“Any —” she starts, just as Maggie speaks.

“So —”

“Oh, sorry.”

“No, no, you first,” Maggie says.

Alex cringes internally at the awkwardness before forcing herself to speak, not wanting to make it any worse. “Any fun plans for the holiday?”

Maggie scoffs, shakes her head. “This is the one time of year we actually go to church.”

“They must not be happy you're working on Christmas Eve,” Alex says.

Maggie shrugs. “Serves them right. My dad is the one who made me get this job in the first place, anyway. Said he wants me to have 'structure.'”

Alex groans. “God, I hate it when they say shit like that.”

“Yeah, well. I'll be out of here soon. Just have to graduate first,” Maggie says.

Alex wordlessly hands her five dollars, watching as the girl turns and counts out her change. She finds the courage to speak again when Maggie turns back around.

“I'm a senior at Midvale too. If you need any help with anything, just let me know.” The words are rushed, but they're out, and Maggie is smiling at her, and Kara was _right_ — making new friends isn't so bad.

“Thanks. That's really nice of you...” she trails off, raising her eyebrows expectantly.

“Alex. Alex Danvers,” she says. Her hand fidgets at her side, resisting the urge to reach out and shake Maggie's — cool kids don't shake hands, so they?

Maggie grins. “All right. See you around, Danvers.”

“See you,” she says.

She's still smiling when she gets home, and it lasts through the night as she and Kara stay up until past midnight, trying to keep their laughter quiet enough to not wake their mother.

//

Christmas passes in a blur. Her mom's family flies in from all over and they manage to all cram inside the three bedroom home. Alex and Kara share a room, which they're both more than happy to do. Somehow it feels like a sleepover whenever they have to share a bed, despite them being sisters for years now.

She gets a new coat from her mom and concert tickets from Kara for the Barenaked Ladies, her favorite band. Her aunt gets her a makeup set, one of the kinds usually marketed towards children, and she forces a smile as she says thank you. She's surprised when she unwraps a Criminal Minds box set from her uncle.

“You want to be a criminal justice major, right?” he asks. Alex hasn't ever seen the show, but she's touched by the thoughtfulness of it.

The family leaves a few days later, just in time for a snow storm to cover the town in several inches of snow — enough for Kara to drag her outside the next day to declare war against her.

That's where they find themselves New Years Eve — building up defenses and stockpiling ammo before they begin an epic snowball fight, during which Alex gets nailed more times than she'd like to admit.

They eventually retire inside for some hot cocoa.

They're sitting near the fire, Kara cross-legged directly in front of it while Alex lounges on the couch, when Kara's phone dings.

She squeals. “Party at James' house tonight. Come with me?” She pouts when she sees Alex's sour expression. “Pretty please, Alex?”

Alex huffs. “Okay. But you have to hang with me, and we're not staying out ridiculously late this time.”

“Deal.”

//

Kara keeps her promise — for the first half hour of the party, anyway. That's when some boy — John, Alex thinks his name is — bets Kara she can't beat him at beer pong.

Kara Danvers loves a challenge. Alex knows this, so when Kara turns to her with big eyes, Alex waves her hand.

“Go. Kick ass, I'll drive home.”

She finds a corner to tuck herself away into, where she can see most of the room, including Kara as she sinks her first ping pong ball into a red solo cup as everyone around her cheers.

“Beginners luck,” John says, and _oh is he in for it now,_ Alex thinks.

“You're going down,” Kara responds, voice stern. It takes two more shots in a row for the doofy grin to slowly slide of John's face. _This_ is why she let Kara talk her into going to parties — to watch her little sister beat the pants off of stupid jocks.

“She's intense,” a voice says next to her, and Alex startles.

She's surprised to find Maggie standing next to her. The girl looks different out of her work uniform. Her hair isn't pulled back into a ponytail, and gone is the blue vest with a name badge, replaced by a black band t-shirt and hoodie with a denim jacket on top.

There's a drink in her hand, and Alex wonders how Maggie found out about the party — she had just moved here after all. Has she already made friends? Maybe the new girl won't be as in need of companionship as Kara had thought.

Alex drags her eyes to Maggie's face, which is looking at her expectantly, and Alex wonders just how long it's been since Maggie spoke, hoping she didn't get too lost in her thoughts.

“Yeah. She doesn't like it when boys underestimate her.”

“Ah, a feisty Danvers,” Maggie says, and Alex is surprised — people don't usually realize she and Kara are sisters right away. There's no family resemblance, after all.

“I didn't expect to see you here,” Alex says.

“James is my neighbor,” Maggie explains. “He's actually pretty nice. Probably won't give me the time of day in school, but.”

Alex briefly wonders if Maggie is into guys like James — tall muscular football players with who seemed a little dopey for Alex, but sweet enough when it came down to it. She knows Kara's been interested in the six-foot senior for the past few weeks. Alex doesn't personally get the appeal, but there are definitely worse people her little sister could be interested in.

“Kara says he's a good guy, so you never know,” Alex says. “Don't get any ideas though — as you can see, Kara doesn't really like competition, and she and James are slated to be Midvale's next hottest item.”

Maggie snorts. “Yeah, not a problem. He's not my type,” she says, drawing the words out, and Alex finds herself smiling back at her.

“So, you start next week. Nervous?”

“A little. They won't give me a schedule until I go sit with a guidance counselor, so I have basically no idea what I'm getting myself into.”

“Well, avoid Mrs. Clarke at all costs. She's literally the worst teacher in the world. And the meanest, too,” Alex says.

Maggie nods. “Thanks for the tip.” She pauses, takes a swig of her drink, and Alex watches her the entire time. “How was your holiday?”

Alex shrugs. “It was nice to see my family.”

Maggie makes a face. “Wish I felt the same way. There's basically only one family member I even like, and that's my mom's sister, and she's never invited to holidays. The rest of them are crazy,” she says.

Alex frowns — something serious must have happened for Maggie to want to write off her entire family like that — but this isn't the time or place to talk about it. Besides, she and Maggie barely know each other. She shouldn't go sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.

Suddenly she hears a roar of cheers from the other side of the room. Kara's standing, arms up in the air as John chugs his last beer. He had only landed a shot or two on Kara from what Alex can see where she's standing.

“Looks like Little Danvers has skills,” Maggie says.

“She's the reigning champion,” Alex says. “At least, I've never seen her lose.”

“Damn,” Maggie says. “That's impressive.”

“I'm gonna go grab her before someone else challenges her — she literally cannot say no.”

Maggie gives her a small wave as she leaves.

Kara catches her gaze as she walks towards her, and beams. “I won!” she exclaims cheerfully.

“I saw!” Alex responds. “I was watching.”

“And I was watching _you_ ,” Kara says, waggling her eyebrows. Alex snorts — Kara was never very good at handling her alcohol. “How's the new girl?”

Alex shrugs. “Good. We were just making small talk. She seems nice.” She glances over her shoulder, hoping Maggie will still be in the corner she left her in. She's not, and Alex must not hide her disappointment well because Kara links her arm in her own.

“Come on, let's mingle,” she says, tugging her sister away from the beer pong table.

It takes another hour for Alex to spot Maggie again, this time talking to James. Kara's eyes light up when she lands on the pair.

“Let's go say hi,” she says, nodding their way.

Alex follows her.

“James! Great party,” Kara says, smiling at him warmly as they approach.

“Thanks, Kara,” the boy says, grinning back. “I'm so glad you made it.”

Alex resists the urge to roll her eyes — her sister's affect on men was sometimes a little much to deal with.

“Maggie, good to see you,” Kara says.

“Oh, you guys know each other?” James says. “Maggie moved into the house across the way a few weeks ago and I thought maybe she'd like to come tonight, meet some of Midvale High's best and brightest.”

Alex looks around the room at her drunken classmates. _Not exactly the way I'd describe them_ , she thinks. Still, it's a nice effort, and she decides that maybe there's more to her sister's crush than she's giving him credit for.

Maggie's expression is similarly bemused. “It's been eye-opening,” she says, earning a laugh from Kara and James. “Parties in Nebraska were not nearly this... big.”

“Nebraska?” Kara asks. “You don't strike me as a Nebraska girl.”

“Me either,” Maggie says with a shrug. “Though I'm not sure I'm much of a Midvale girl either.”

“Maybe we can change your mind about that,” Kara says with a wink.

Maggie's eyes find Alex's. “Maybe,” she says, smiling.

//

The party winds down after another few hours, and Alex is honestly surprised that they ended up staying this long. But she's enjoying herself — she, Kara, James and Maggie have all found spots on the couch in the living room, and it feels a lot more personal than Alex had ever imagined being possible at a party.

“He is _so_ into her,” Maggie leans over and whispers into her ear at one point as James makes moony eyes at Kara.

Alex feels her face go red at the nearness of the other girl — she's never really been a touchy feely person, but this isn't the usual uncomfortable feeling she gets when someone gets too close — this is different. She shakes it off and nods. “Thank god. Kara hasn't stopped talking about him all week.”

Kara laughs obnoxiously loud at something James just said and Maggie rolls her eyes. Alex giggles, looking at her little sister. _It's nice to see her happy._

Alex learns a lot about Maggie in that hour. She's seventeen, for starters, just a month older than Alex. Her father is a doctor, her mother a teacher. She wants to be a cop when she grows up, or maybe a private investigator — “I've never really gotten along with 'authority,'” she says — and seems delighted when Alex says that's what she's thinking of doing. More the science side, she elaborates, maybe forensics.

“Maybe we'll be partners one day, Danvers,” she says.

And she plans to leave Midvale as soon as possible. Literally.

“I turn eighteen a week after graduation and then I'm _out,”_ Maggie declares.

“I wish my parents would let me do that,” James says.

Maggie laughs, but it seems forced, and Alex watches her for a few minutes, noting her silence as James and Kara trade stories about parents.

She's surprised when she realizes a half hour later that everyone else has left. It's well past midnight, and only the four of them remain.

“I think I better call it a night,” Maggie says, glancing at a watch on her wrist. Alex feels a tug of disappointment in her chest before Kara nods her head.

“Yeah, us too,” she says, looking at Alex for confirmation. “I have a ton of homework to do tomorrow.”

“I'll walk you to your car?” James offers, and Kara grins, nodding again.

Maggie and Alex walk a few steps behind them as they move for the door.

“So, which one is yours?” Alex asks as they step outside. The cool air smacks her in the face, and she shivers, regretting her decision not to bring a proper coat.

Maggie points at a house directly across the street. “That green one,” she says, though Alex can't make out the color in the dark. They take a few more steps out into the night when Maggie turns to face Alex.

“Looks nice,” Alex says, suddenly feeling awkward again, as if they hadn't just spent the entire evening getting to know each other.

“Thanks, Danvers, but I didn't pick it,” Maggie jokes.

James stoops to hug Kara once they've reached their car, and Maggie hesitates. She seems surprised when James bends down to scoop her into a hug next.

“Thanks for coming,” he says. “It was really nice getting to know you.”

“You too,” Maggie says. “All of you. You've made the idea of starting school on Monday not actually seem _as_ terrible.”

Alex groans. That's right — school is back in session on Monday. “Don't remind me,” she says. “I haven't started any of my homework.”

“You're in for a long weekend, then,” James says, still somehow managing to sound cheerful. “Have a good night, you guys.”

And then he's walking away. Alex stifles a laugh as Kara stares after him, exchanging a look with Maggie. It's not until the door closes that the younger Danvers snaps out of it, suddenly aware of the other two watching her with bemused smiles.

“Shut up,” she says, rolling her eyes at her sister. “He's so cute.”

“He's _dreamy_ ,” Alex says, a phony wistfulness to her voice, and Kara nudges her painfully in the ribs.

“It really was nice getting to see you again,” Kara says, turning to Maggie. “Let's do it again soon!”

She moves to hug the shorter girl and Alex's heart speeds up. James and Kara have both hugged Maggie — does she have to now, too?

“Definitely,” Maggie says.

Kara pulls away, and Maggie turns to Alex.

“Goodnight, Danvers,” she says, smiling.

“See you around,” Alex says. She makes no move to step forward, and Maggie must pick up on her reluctance because she raises an arm in a wave as she begins to move backwards.

“She's really nice,” Kara says once they're in the safety of their car.

Alex nods. “Yeah, she is.”

She thinks about hugging Maggie the entire ride home, replaying the scene in her head over and over again. Was it awkward that she didn't hug her? Everyone else had. Would Maggie think she didn't like her? She should have just gone for it — how bad could it have been, really? She remembers the nervous feeling in her chest when Maggie leaned in close to talk to her, like her heart was pounding harder with each beat, and decides that maybe it was for the best.

//

Alex drags her feet into school on Monday. Kara had stayed up with her the night before, working on a presentation that she was supposed to have done by the end of break. She lugs the huge poster-board behind her as she walks through the school doors.

 _This isn't going to fit in my locker_ , she thinks, then remembers that the teacher had said they could drop their projects off in her classroom before class if they didn't want to haul them around all day.

Mrs. Garretson smiles at her when she arrives, five minutes before the bell.

“Alex,” she says. “I knew you'd be prepared. Do you want to give your presentation first today? Get it out of the way, earn some extra credit and set a good example?”

 _No,_ she wants to say. _Of course not. That sounds terrible._

“Sure,” is what she says instead. “Sounds good.”

She's still cursing herself as she leaves the room when she practically rams into another person.

“Sorry —” she begins to say, but when she looks up she's looking into soft brown eyes, Maggie standing in front of her. “Oh. Hey, Maggie.”

“Danvers,” she says, smile bright for this early in the morning. “I was hoping to run into you.”

Alex wants to roll her eyes at the pun, but resists. “Wish granted,” she says. “What's your first class?”

Maggie sighs. “I still don't know. I was told to report to the guidance office first thing,” she says, glancing behind her. “Could you point me in the right direction? The security guards here are completely useless.”

“I'll walk you,” Alex says, glancing at her watch — she still has five minutes before the warning bell for first period rings.

Alex points out various things to her along the way — the teachers lounge, the spot under the stairs security never thinks to check during class periods, the unusable water fountains and the one functioning one in the math wing — until they reach the guidance office.

“Thanks for the tour, Danvers,” Maggie says, smiling at her. “It's good to have at least one friend here.”

Alex feels her heart melt a little at the term — has she really made a friend all on her own? Was it that easy?

“Anytime,” Alex says. “Try to get sixth period lunch if you can. Kara and I sit with a couple friends at the table closest to the lunch line, you're welcome to join us.”

“Will do,” Maggie confirms with a nod. “If I don't see you, have a good one.”

“You too,” Alex says.

She walks to first period with a smile on her face, barely bothered that she only makes it there with seconds to spare.

//

Her classes drag on until lunch. She's happy for the reprieve when the bell for the end of fifth period finally tolls — she practically races to the cafeteria, the first of their friends to arrive at their table.

That doesn't last long.

“Alex!” she hears, just before a weight plops down next to her. It's Kara's best friend, Winn, and he looks a little too happy to see her. “How was your break?”

“Too short,” she replies frankly. “Yours?”

“About the same. Played video games, hung with some friends,” he says, exaggerating the last word in a way that makes Alex question its veracity. She's never seen Winn hang out with anyone but Kara, and her sister had spent most of the break pining after James and doing homework.

She doesn't have much time to think about it before Kara is there, throwing her arms around Winn in a crushing hug.

“Winn!” she says, squeezing him. “I missed you so much. How was your vacation?”

“It was great!” he says, with the same forced tone he'd just used on Alex a minute before. “Stayed busy. How about you?”

“Too much homework,” Kara says.

“Is that where you were all break?” he asks, and there's a sourness to it that even Alex can pick up on — though Kara seems oblivious.

“That, and our family was out for a week. I love when they come to visit,” she says. “We have to get together and play Left 4 Dead sometime this week.”

Winn lights up at this. “I'd love that.”

Alex feels someone walk up behind her, and she somehow knows who it is without turning around.

“This seat taken, Danvers?” Maggie says, sliding onto the bench next to her.

“Maggie, hi!” Kara is the first to speak up. Maggie leans past Alex to flash a smile at the younger Danvers.

“How's your schedule?” Alex asks. Maggie slides a piece of paper across the table to her, and she frowns as she reads it — until she gets to the last period of the day.

“Hey, we have forensics together!” she says, a little too excitedly. Maggie doesn't seem to mind, just grins at her enthusiasm.

“Ooh, let me see!” Kara says, stealing the schedule before frowning. “Damn. This is our only period together.” She slides the paper back down to Maggie. “Better than nothing?”

“Is anyone going to introduce me?” Winn chimes in from across the table. “Fine, fine — I'll do it myself. Winn Schott Jr.,” he says, extending a hand to Maggie.

“Maggie Sawyer,” she says, taking his hand with a sturdy grip.

It's the first time Alex has heard the other girl's full name, and she finds herself repeating it over and over again in her head over the next forty-five minutes.

She listens as Maggie Sawyer explains her story to Winn, finding herself still interested even though she's heard it several times already. Winn listens with rapt attention that Alex has only seen him pay to Kara, and she feels a twinge of something that feels a lot like jealousy.

 _She's allowed to have other friends,_ Alex chides herself in her head.

//

Seventh period is her presentation, and true to her word Mrs. Garretson calls her up to the front of class as soon as the bell rings.

“Ms. Danvers has volunteered to give her presentation first. She, along with anyone else who volunteers to go on the first day, will be receiving extra credit,” she says.

It goes smoothly, though when Alex finishes she's breathless and her legs feel like they might collapse. Still, the class applauds her and Mrs. Garretson gives her a big smile when she returns to her seat.

“An excellent start,” she says, though it does little to calm Alex's racing nerves. “Who's next?”

Eighth period isn't much better, with her history teacher deciding the first day back from break was the perfect time for a pop quiz to see who did and who did not complete the assigned reading.

“You'll have to teach yourselves from your textbook in college,” she reminds them as she passes out the quiz. Alex thinks that's a pretty sorry excuse for Ms. Blank's lackluster teaching style — she mostly just plays videos for them every day and barely bothers to actually _teach_ them anything — but she did the reading, so she doesn't complain.

Her heart practically leaps in her throat when the bell rings for ninth period. She's not sure why she's nervous — she'd just seen Maggie during lunch, after all. But she still finds herself racking her brain for something to say when she sees Maggie in the chemistry lab.

“You found it,” is all she comes up with when she finds that Maggie has beaten her to class. She's sitting at a table in the back of the room, and Alex hopes she isn't being too forward when she slides into the seat next to her.

“Well, I had an _excellent_ tour guide,” Maggie says, flashing her a grin. Her nose crinkles when she smiles, and Alex finds herself staring.

She's about to say something more when the bell rings, and the teacher calls their attention to the front of the room. Maggie waits for the teacher to turn to face the board a few minutes later before sliding a note over to Alex.

The only thing written on it is her number. Alex stares at it for a few moments, blinking before breaking into a grin and sliding out her phone beneath her desk.

“ _Hey,”_ she writes. It's simple, but it'll work.

Her phone buzzes a moment later. “ _Figured this would be less conspicuous than passing notes all class._ ”

“ _Good thinking,_ ” she writes back.

 _“Does she always seem this clueless?”_ Maggie sends a minute later while the teacher is flipping through the textbook, searching for an answer to a student's question.

“ _Pretty much, yeah_ ,” she types in response. Maggie groans when she reads it, making Alex laugh. Mrs. Erdman shoots her a sharp glare, and she stashes her phone back in her pocket.

//

A week later Erdman assigns them a take-home test, and Alex has to hide her surprise when Maggie asks if she'd like to do it together. They haven't hung out outside of school except for at James' party, and she finds herself jumping at the opportunity.

“That sounds great,” she says, nodding her head as they enter the hallway. Maggie follows as Alex starts walking her to her locker. “Do you want to come over our place? My mom works until seven most nights so we have the place to ourselves.”

“Cool,” Maggie says. “Text me the address.”

//

She shows up at four with two pizza boxes, and Alex laughs when she opens the door.

“Hungry?” Maggie asks.

“Kara's going to love you.”

She's not wrong — her little sister flings her arms around the older girl at the sight of food.

“Oh my god, I love you,” she declares dramatically, making Maggie blush.

After they eat Alex leads Maggie to her room. They spread their things out as they work, staying mostly silent except to point out funny pictures in the textbook or to ask each other questions.

Maggie's still there when Eliza arrives home. She knocks on the door before poking her head in.

“Hi, sweetie,” she says to Alex. “Who's your friend?”

Alex glances at Maggie. “Oh, mom — this is Maggie.”

“Mrs. Danvers, pleasure to meet you,” Maggie says, standing as she walks over to Alex's mom and gives her a firm handshake.

“Oh, please — call me Eliza,” she says. Something unrecognizable flashes across Maggie's face, but it's gone in an instant. “I would ask if you girls are hungry but I see the pizza boxes sitting on the counter. Think Kara left a slice for me?”

“Doubtful,” Alex says, only half joking. Kara could probably eat an entire pie on her own — in fact, Alex is sure that she could.

“I figured as much,” Eliza says. “I'm going to go scavenge, then. Have a nice night. It was good to meet you, Maggie.”

Maggie waits until the door closes behind her to speak. “Your mom seems really nice,” she says.

Alex blinks. She and her mother haven't gotten along so well, since... well since her father died. “I guess,” she says. “What'd you get for 29?”

//

Her phone rings at 10:06 that night, and she answers as soon as she sees who's calling.

“Maggie,” she says. Maybe it's just her tendency to always jump to the worst possible conclusion, but she doesn't know why Maggie would be calling her at this time with no warning after seeing her just hours before, and it worries her. “Is everything okay?”

“Danvers, hey, yeah, I just...” Maggie's voice sounds a little too breathy on the other end of the line, and Alex knows something's up. “I just really needed to hear a friendly voice right now.”

“I'm here,” she says. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing, it's stupid,” Maggie says.

Alex shakes her head, even though Maggie can't see it. “It's not. But if you don't want to talk about it...”

“It's my parents. They're fighting, and they just have to drag me into it every time.

She leans back in her bed. “That's not fair,” Alex says. “They shouldn't be dumping their problems on you.”

“They just think of me as this prime example of what a complete fucking failure their marriage is,” Maggie says, voice bitter. “I guess they're not wrong.”

She sniffs, and Alex's heart aches. “Maggie, that's not true. I'm sure you're a great daughter.”

The laugh she lets out is dry, and Alex cringes — that probably wasn't the right thing to say. “Trust me, they do not think so.”

“Then they're wrong,” Alex says simply. “Besides, it doesn't sound like _they're_ the best parents.”

“You're right there,” Maggie says, laughing. “They really are kind of shitty. How are yours?”

“Like you said, my mom's nice enough,” Alex says. “We get along pretty well.”

“And your dad? I didn't get to meet him.”

Alex pauses. “He, uh — he died. Three years ago. Car accident.”

There's a beat on the end of the line. “Alex, I'm so sorry, I didn't know,” Maggie says after a moment, voice full of sincerity.

“It's okay — how could you? Besides, I've gotta get used to talking about it. It _has_ been three years,” she says with a sigh. “He was a great guy.”

“I'm sure he was, with a daughter like you,” Maggie says, and now it's Alex's turn to laugh.

“Oh, please,” Alex said. “Didn't we just conclude that shitty parents raised someone as awesome as you?”

“You think I'm awesome, Danvers?”

She can hear the teasing in Maggie's voice, and it brings a smile to her face. “Hm, maybe not,” she says, earning an offended ' _hey!'_ on the other side of the line. “But I do think we're going to be good friends. Is that good enough?”

She hears Maggie sigh through the phone. “Yeah, I think it just might be.”

//

It starts a tradition — Maggie calls Alex each night when her parents arguing becomes too much. Sometimes it's right after dinner, and Alex has to think of an excuse to tell her mother about why she's been using so many of the family minutes. Other times it's later, though one Thursday Alex grows worried when she doesn't hear from Maggie by eleven. After a month of nightly calls, she doesn't like the sudden silence.

Alex sends her a text: “ _Everything okay?”_

She doesn't get a response.

It's past midnight when she hears gentle rapping at her window.

“Sorry — I didn't want to wake you, but I couldn't be home anymore,” Maggie says, launching into a ramble before Alex holds up a hand.

“I wasn't asleep. Are you okay?”

“My dad and I got in a fight, and I just... can I stay here tonight?” she asks. Her eyes are red-rimmed, like she's been crying, and Alex feels something deep within her chest clench.

“Of course. You know you're always welcome here,” she says. She throws the window open further, giving Maggie a hand as she pulls herself through.

“Thank you,” Maggie says. Alex looks at her, noticing more about the girl's disheveled appearance. She doesn't think twice before pulling her into a hug.

It last's several long seconds, Maggie's face just pressed into Alex's shoulder, and she feels the smaller girl shudder before she releases her.

“Do you think maybe we could just watch something on Netflix? Relax for a little bit? I just need to take my mind off of...” she trails off, and Alex doesn't wait for her to finish.

“I've got just the thing,” she says. She grabs the box set of Criminal Minds her uncle got her for Christmas, removing the first DVD from the sleeve before turning to face Alex. “Ever seen Criminal Minds?”

They curl up on Alex's twin-sized bed, laptop between them as they watch. Neither of them say anything as the first episode rolls into the second, though Maggie does readjust to be more comfortable, sliding down until her head is resting on Alex's arm.

That's how Alex wakes up a few hours later, lights still on and an episode still playing. She awakes with a bit of a start, which makes Maggie giggle.

“Don't worry,” she says. “You didn't snore.”

“Sorry,” she says. “I didn't realize I was so tired.”

“I can go if you want —” Maggie starts to offer, but Alex is quick to shake her head.

“No! I mean... you don't have to,” she says. “You can stay the night if you want.”

The offer hangs between them for a moment before Maggie nods. “I'd like that.”

“Good,” Alex says. “You want to keep watching?”

“I'll never be able to wake up tomorrow if we do,” Maggie says, shaking her head. “Let's call it a night.”

Alex turns to put her computer on the floor. When she faces Maggie again, the girl is in the midst of shrugging off her hoodie. Alex tries not to laugh when she gets stuck, but can't help it when she finally turns to her a few seconds later, voice whiney as she announces that she's stuck.

Alex helps tug the sweater over her head before turning out the light.

“Goodnight, Maggie,” she whispers.

“Night,” Maggie's own voice is soft in the dark room.

It's not the last words she says that night, however. And when she does speak again, it's so quiet that Alex is sure for a second that she's imagined it.

“Do you believe in soulmates, Danvers?”

It'd been more than twenty minutes since they'd turned out the lights, but Alex hasn't been able to fall back asleep, too aware of the body next to hers. She turns to face Maggie, surprised to see she can make out most of the other girl's features in the dark — it probably has something to do with the fact that Maggie's face is only a few inches away from hers, head resting on Alex's pillow.

“I'm not sure,” she says honestly. Maggie blinks, then looks away, nodding.

“Yeah, me either.”

“I mean — I'm sure there are some people who are meant to come into our lives. You know, the people who just arrive one day and it's felt like... they've been there forever, and at the same time like you've also been missing them your whole life.”

Maggie looks back at her. “Yeah, I know a few people like that.”

Alex turns onto her back, staring up at the ceiling as they lay in silence once again. She's not sure why, but she feels like she's given a wrong answer, upset Maggie somehow, when the other girl finally speaks.

“I'm really glad I met you,” she says, her voice soft, as if she's unsure Alex is still awake.

Alex's hand snakes down, finding Maggie's beneath the blanket, her fingers curling around Maggie's. “Me too,” she says, squeezing them.

She falls asleep with her hand in Maggie's.

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, your comments and kudos mean the world to me :) Feel free to reach out to me on Tumblr @ aka-patsywalker with questions and comments!


	7. i am drawing pictures i'm evading

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I'm not spoiling you, because there definitely will not be an update tomorrow, but I don't want to make this chapter any longer so I need to post it so I don't keep coming back to it!
> 
> Next chapter is going to be Maggie-centric, I believe.

Alex wakes up first, blinking her eyes at the harsh sunlight filtering through her window. _Did I forget to close the blinds?_ she thinks, before remembering — yes, she _had_ forgotten, because Maggie crawled through her window late last night.

She's suddenly aware of the body next to hers, knees pressed against the back of her own and an arm slung over her chest. She's not sure what she expected to happen in such a small space, but she's still surprised to find herself _cuddling_. That's new.

“Morning,” Maggie mumbles behind her, as if somehow sensing that Alex is awake.

Alex turns, not prepared for Maggie's face to be so close to hers. It had seemed somehow more acceptable in the darkness of the night. Now, she can see every inch of Maggie — her sleepy brown eyes, her mussed her — and she can't help the slow smile spreading over her face.

“Morning,” she says.

Maggie closes her eyes, hiding her smile in a pillow.

“Sleep okay?” Alex asks.

“You may not snore, but you _do_ kick pretty hard,” Maggie says. “I definitely have a bruise or two on my shin.”

Alex snorts. “That's nothing. One time I had an imprint of Kara's entire foot on my thigh.”

Maggie laughs, then softens. “It's sweet that you two are so close.”

“Yeah, well, we've been through a lot together,” she says.

Maggie smiles at her then, and Alex realizes that maybe this should feel a little weird, laying so close to another person in such a small bed like this. But Maggie doesn't seem uncomfortable — no, Maggie seems more at ease than Alex has seen her since she moved here a month and a half ago.

That is, until her eyes widen. “Shit, what time is it?” She sits up suddenly, leaving Alex cold. She reaches for her phone, groaning when she grabs it and presses the home button — black screen. “My phone must've died. Oh god, I've got to go.”

Then Maggie is scrambling out of bed, collecting the jeans that she must've kicked off at some point in the middle of the night off the floor — Alex quickly averts her eyes.

“Wait — let me drive you,” Alex offers, beginning to get out of bed.

“No!” Maggie shouts, then shakes her head. “No, I uh — I'm sorry. I just have to go.”

She leaves the way she came — just throws open the window and hops out. Her bike must be leaning against the house, because the next thing she knows she's watching Maggie's back as she pedals, hard and fast, away from the Danvers' house.

//

Alex gets to school with one thing on her mind: finding Maggie and asking if everything is okay. She'd looked downright panicked before she left. Alex hopes it isn't anything she did, but she feels like that's unlikely.

A wave of relief washes over her when she turns the corner and sees Maggie leaning against Alex's locker.

“Maggie, hey —” she starts, but Maggie stops her.

“I'm sorry I ran out on you earlier,” she says. “I overslept, and I meant to get home before my dad got up for work but my phone died and my alarm didn't go off and I really just needed to get home.”

“It would've been faster if I'd driven you,” Alex points out.

“I know. I'm sorry I lost my cool.”

“It's fine, you just... really worried me,” Alex finishes lamely, rubbing her arm. “I'm sorry that happened to you though. I can't help but feel somehow responsible. Was your dad mad?”

Maggie snorts. “When I finally plugged my phone in, I had like thirty missed calls from him,” she explains. “He wasn't home when I got there, but he left a note saying if I didn't call him this morning before school that I wouldn't be welcome home tonight, so I got reamed out anyway.”

“Jesus,” Alex whispers under her breath, because while she and her mom have gotten into some spats, Eliza's never threatened to take the roof out from over her head. She _would_ never.

“I'm grounded for two weeks,” Maggie says with a shrug. “Honestly, I thought it'd be longer.”

“Grounded?” Alex says, feeling a lump rising in her throat.

“Yeah, you know — isolation. No friends, no phone calls, no computer. I think he might even take away my cell,” Maggie says. She looks amused almost, as if this is no big deal, and Alex frowns.

“That's not fair.”

“I mean — I _did_ sneak out,” Maggie reasons. “I knew the consequences if I got caught. I shouldn't have fallen asleep. Or I should've brought my phone charger, or...” she shrugs. “I don't know. And like I said, two weeks is a light sentence.”

“Maggie,” Alex sighs. “You can't do stuff like that.”

Maggie raises her eyebrows. “Relax, mom.”

“No — I just mean,” Alex starts and stops. She bites her cheek, taking in her new friend, who is looking at her expectantly. She sighs.“I'm just gonna miss you is all.”

Maggie breaks into a grin, ducking her head. “Shucks, Danvers,” she says. “At least we can still see each other in class?”

Alex nods, smiles though she doesn't quite mean it. Two weeks seems like a really long time after talking every night on the phone for the past month.

“Yeah, good point,” she says anyway.

“Walk you to first period?” Maggie offers. They take their time, and Alex chides Maggie when she insists on waiting way too long before leaving for her own class. Alex rolls her eyes when the bell rings just after she's left, and Maggie laughs at Alex's angry expression as she rounds the corner.

//

For Alex, the two weeks drag on. She spends some of her nights with Kara and Winn, playing video games until they fall asleep. Other nights she spends up late on her computer, watching episode after episode and wishing Maggie was next to her.

She's never missed anyone like this before — but then again, she'd never had a friend quite like Maggie. Things between them just felt... right. Like they were meant to be best friends.

She's surprised to find herself using the term after just a few months of knowing the girl. So far in her life, it's been reserved for Kara and Kara alone.

Then, one Friday night, her phone rings.

“Maggie?” she answers, voice embarrassingly breathless with excitement. She'd barely waited past the first ring before picking up, though, so there's really no playing this cool. She's missed her friend too much.

“Danvers, hey,” she hears on the other line. “Good to hear your voice outside of the cafeteria.”

“You're ungrounded?” she asks.

“Well — sort of on accident. My parents are out of town, so they communed my sentence. I'm a free woman.”

“That's great,” she says sincerely. “Now stay out of trouble.”

“Speaking of,” Maggie drawls. “You doing anything tomorrow? I was thinking maybe you, Kara and Winn might want to come eat some pizza, watch a movie?”

“Are you sure that's all right?” Alex asks.

“Yeah, I mean — if anything, my dad will be happy I have a boy over.”

Alex frowns. She's not sure how to take that — she would expect Maggie's father to be protective of his daughter, and probably strict about dating, too.

“I'll ask Kara and Winn, but I'll definitely be there,” she says.

She can practically hear Maggie's smile through the phone line. “Good.”

“Hey Maggie?” Alex asks. “What are you doing tonight?”

“What're you thinking?”

“I'm thinking... if there's no one home, there's no one to know _you're_ not home,” she says, feeling a rush of confidence. “My window is always open.”

“I like the way you think, Danvers,” Maggie says. “I'll see you in a bit.”

//

Alex finds herself enjoying this even more than their first sleepover — probably because it didn't begin with a teary-eyed Maggie, and her mission wasn't to distract the girl but to just hang out with her.

They make popcorn by the bucket, and sneak into the kitchen at midnight for Maggie to make them grilled cheese sandwiches.

“I can't believe you don't know how to make a grilled cheese, Danvers,” she says, shaking her head. “It's like three ingredients.”

They make pancakes with Eliza in the morning, and Maggie hangs out with the Danvers' family for a few hours of Saturday morning laziness before she excuses herself, saying she needs to go get her house ready if she's having people over.

When Alex shows up later with Kara and Winn in tow, Maggie already has pizza on her living room table and someone else waiting on her couch.

“James!” Kara says when she spots him. “I didn't know you were coming too.”

“Maggie invited me,” he says with an easy smile. “Hey, I'm James,” he says, turning to Winn.

Winn regards him with an unamused look on his face. “Winn Schott Jr.” He reaches to shake James' hand but then immediately moves back to Kara's side.

“So... let's dig in?” Maggie offers, and Kara beams.

“My favorite words.”

//

They demolish the pizza in no time, and it's going better than Alex had really expected. Maggie's house is nice — modern, with clean furnishings. Her parents either make a lot of money or know how to spend it well, and it shows.

James turns out to be a riot, and even Winn is laughing along by the time that Kara slips into the kitchen to refill her soda.

“You know, my cup is actually empty too,” James says, grabbing it before he follows her.

Maggie raises her eyebrows as she looks at Alex, and the two burst out laughing.

“What?” Winn asks. “What is it?”

Kara returns a few minutes later grinning from ear to ear.

“James just asked me on a date tomorrow!” she practically squeals, glancing over her shoulder to make sure James is still in the kitchen. Maggie gives her a high five before picking up her empty glass, along with Alex's, bringing them into the other room.

“Oh my gosh,” Alex exclaims, but Winn doesn't react, mouth opening and closing a few times.

“You — you — wait, what?”

Kara stalls. “I told you about James, Winn.”

“Yeah, I know, but —” he swallows as his eyes dart around, landing on anything but Kara before he shakes his head. “I'm sorry. I uh — I just remembered, I have a... I gotta go.”

Then he's standing up and walking out the door, and Alex almost goes after him because hey, she _drove_ him here, but then Kara is doing that for her.

The door slams shut behind her, and Maggie and James poke their heads out from the kitchen.

“Everything okay?” Maggie asks, taking a step towards Alex.

“Uh — to be honest, I'm not really sure,” she says. “Kara will handle it though. She's great with this kind of thing.”

But then Kara comes back ten minutes later without Winn and with red-rimmed eyes, and they spend the rest of the night cuddled up on the couch with her in the middle, eating snacks and watching campy horror movies.

//

Winn doesn't sit with them at lunch that week — doesn't even show up in the cafeteria, as a matter of fact. James joins them instead, and they fall into their own kind of groove, just the four of them. Alex can tell that Kara misses Winn, though, so when she catches sight of him in the hallway, she chases him down.

“Schott,” she says, grabbing him by the shoulder. “Hold on.”

“I don't want to talk about it, Alex,” he says, avoiding her gaze.

“Well I do, because it's hurting my sister.”

“ _Me?_ Hurting her? What about what she did to me?”

“And just what did she do to you?”

Winn stops. “She broke my heart, okay? I love her.”

“But what did she _do_ to you?”

“I don't know — she doesn't return my feelings. She's going out with that tall, beautiful man and I'm just... alone.”

“And how is that her fault? She can't make herself like you, Winn.”

He swallows. “Look, I've got to get to class, I'm sorry.”

//

To her disappointment, her talk doesn't seem to change Winn's mind, and Kara suffers through another week without her best friend by her side, or without him even so much as talking to her.

She finds other ways to distract herself — like going out with James basically every night.

“Hey, I have a great idea!” she exclaims one afternoon, setting her books down on the table as she sits across from Alex. “James has this friend, Tommy. He's on the football team, he's smart, he's _cute_.”

“Cut to the chase,” Alex says.

“We were thinking... want to go on a double date?”

Alex groans. “Do I have a choice?”

Kara fidgets. “Well, we did already make reservations for four at Michelangelo's Saturday night. But if you don't want breadsticks...”

Alex huffs. “Fine,” she says. “But he better be cute.”

//

Maggie's parents go out to dinner Thursday night, so Maggie texts Alex telling her to come over so they can work on college applications together. They'd had a fair earlier that day, with a bunch of colleges from around the area setting up shop in the gymnasium and handing out applications to every student they met, so they each had a pile of them and deadlines were quickly approaching.

“ _Just come in when you get here. My door is down the hall, the second one on the right._ ”

Alex makes the drive in only five minutes — she doesn't even turn the radio on, lost in thought instead. Graduation is coming up sooner than she's ready for, and then Maggie's going to leave Midvale and never come back.

She hesitates when she gets to the door, half worried that she'll find Maggie's father on the other side. She hasn't met the man, but he doesn't sound pleasant.

He's not there, however. No one is, though she can hear music coming from somewhere down the hall. She follows it to the second door on the right — Maggie's room.

She knocks.

“Really, Danvers?” she hears an amused voice on the other side.

Alex laughs, shaking her head at herself before she opens the door. Maggie is laying across a full sized bed, computer in front of her playing music. Alex looks around — she hasn't actually been in Maggie's room before, only having really been here a few times, mostly to pick Maggie up.

“It's not much, but it's mine,” Maggie says with a shrug.

“I like it,” Alex says. “It's very you.”

There are posters covering most of the wall behind her bed. The other wall houses a large bookcase, next to which is a small table with a plant on it. It has the same well-designed feeling as the rest of the house, and Alex finds herself wondering if they hired an interior designer, or if Maggie just has good tastes. _Probably the latter,_ she figures.

She sits on the bed near to the wall so she can lean her back against it, stretching her toes out so they're just touching Maggie's leg. Maggie already has her folder from earlier out, open with a large stack of papers inside.

Alex pulls out her own folder from her bag, and they get to work.

Applying takes way longer than she's expecting, though she does start to get into a groove as she moves through them. She's just finished filling out her third when she sneaks a glance at Maggie's pile of applications. She frowns as she pulls one from the pile.

“National City University? That's only like an hour away — I thought you wanted to get as far away from here as possible,” Alex says.

“Oh, that,” Maggie says, face flushing pink. “You know, I just thought — it's good to have, just in case. And maybe I wouldn't mind staying. I mean, I kind of like my life here, you know?”

Alex tries not to get her hopes up. _Maybe_ isn't a done deal, after all. But still, her heart begins to race a little at the thought of Maggie deciding to pick up an application to Alex's top choice in schools — especially since she'd just told her so the other day.

She does her best to keep a neutral expression. “I didn't think you'd want to be anywhere near your parents,” Alex remarks.

“Well,” Maggie says. “I guess some things might be worth sticking around for.”

The words snag at something inside her chest, and Alex doesn't hesitate before launching herself forward and pulling Maggie into a hug. It lasts for longer than their hugs typically do, usually shared in hallways between classes. Maggie's arms loop around her shoulders, drawing her in close, and Alex presses her face into the crook of her neck. It's probably the best hug Alex has ever received — that is, until someone swings open Maggie's bedroom door, and Alex finds herself being flung away from the other girl.

“Maggie,” a man's voice says. Alex looks up, sees who she presumes to be Maggie's father standing there with a stern look on his face. He glances at Alex. “I need to talk to you. Now.”

Maggie glances at Alex, eyes worried, but she nods, pushing herself off the bed and following him as he shuts the door behind her with a loud _thud._

Alex's heart begins to race again, this time from anxiety. Is Maggie going to get grounded again? Will she not be able to talk to her outside of school? Will she even be allowed back over?

Luckily Maggie's conversation with her father is brief — she's slinking back into the room just a minute later.

“Sorry about that,” she says, voice tired. “He says it's too late for me to have friends over.”

“It's 7:30,” Alex responds without thinking. She shakes her head — she knows it's not Maggie who is kicking her out, so there's no use in arguing. “Can you walk me out?”

Maggie looks unsure for a moment, then shakes her head. “I'm sorry, but I don't think that's a good idea. Text me when you're home, though?”

Alex frowns, wishing there was more she could say, but the words won't come. Instead she pulls Maggie in for another hug, but the girl is still and uncomfortable, her eyes never leaving the doorway until Alex pulls away.

//

Maggie calls her Saturday night, just after dinner. Alex picks up, worried because she usually doesn't call until later, but the other girl's voice is chipper on the other end of the line.

“Danvers!” she says. “Haven't heard from you all day.”

She hadn't had the time to text Maggie today — Kara had insisted on going shopping and getting their nails done before their double date, and would kill her if she caught her staring at her phone during sister bonding time.

“I know, sorry. Kara's kept me pretty busy. Want to come over, help me pick out an outfit?” she asks.

“For what?” is Maggie's response, and Alex suddenly remembers that she hasn't told Maggie anything about Tommy in the week that she's had these plans— she just hadn't found the right time to mention it.

“I'm actually going on a date tonight,” Alex says.

There's a stunned silence over the phone. “What?” Maggie asks. “With who?”

“One of James' friends. We're going on a double with him and Kara.”

“That sounds... fun,” Maggie says, voice distant. “Sorry, I can't help you. I have to go to some dinner thing at the hospital with my dad.”

“Oh,” Alex says, trying to hide her disappointment. “That's okay. I'll just talk to you later, then?”

“Sure thing,” Maggie says. She hangs up without saying another word.

Alex doesn't hear from her for the rest of the night.

//

The date goes well enough. Tommy is nice, though he seems to focus most of his attention on James, and mostly wants to talk about football.

But Alex used to watch on Sundays with her dad, and can keep up. She makes a comment in reply to something Tommy says about last week's game and he looks at her with raised eyebrows before breaking into a grin. He slings his shoulder around her and keeps it there the rest of the night.

Tommy walks Alex to the door while Kara hangs back in the car with James to say goodnight.

“I had a lot of fun,” he says. “We should do this again.”

Alex isn't sure why she does it — maybe because she hasn't kissed anyone in almost a year — but she reaches her arm around his neck and pulls him down. His lips are chapped but practiced at what they're doing, and he's smiling when Alex pulls away.

“So, I take it that means I get to see you again?” he asks.

She nods. “Tomorrow morning.”

He laughs. “ I meant, like, another date.”

“Walk me to class?” she says with a coy smile. He nods eagerly.

 _Boys are too easy sometimes,_ she thinks.

“See you tomorrow.” He leans in one more time for a quick peck before turning to leave, watching Alex as he goes. He passes Kara on the walkway and she giggles at the dopey look on his face.

“I take it that went well?” she asks as she approaches Alex, who shrugs.

“Could've been worse,” she says. But when she goes up to her room, it's not Tommy or the date that keep running through her mind, preventing her from falling asleep. It's Maggie, and the fact that she hadn't texted her at all that evening. She'd expected at least a few complaints about the boring hospital event, but when she'd pulled her phone out of her purse she'd didn't have any messages.

Tommy texts her, asking her if she'd like to come over his place to watch a movie tomorrow night.

“ _Parents will b gone,”_ he writes, and Alex swallows, unsure if she's comfortable with the implication.

“ _See you then,”_ she writes out anyway.

She opens her thread with Maggie and stares at their chat screen, unsure of if she should say anything at all or just go to bed. Maggie's probably asleep at this point anyway, right?

“ _Hope your night wasn't awful. See you tomorrow,_ ” she decides to send. She shoves her phone under her pillow after she presses send.

//

Maggie is waiting for her at her locker the next morning. Alex looks her over as she pulls her books out of her backpack, stacking them neatly inside. She _looks_ normal enough — but why does Alex get the feeling that something is off? That she's done something wrong?

“So I was thinking — do you want to maybe do something later? Chinese food and Forensic Files?” Maggie offers.

Alex wishes she could say yes. “I'd love to, but I actually have a —”

Tommy swoops in then, pressing a big kiss against Alex's cheek.

“Oh!” Alex says, laughing. “Hey, uh — Tommy, this is my friend, Maggie. Maggie, this is the guy I was telling you about.”

“Oh — hey,” Maggie says. “It's uh, nice to meet you.”

She doesn't extend her hand, and Tommy just nods at her. “You too. Come on, babe, we're going to be late.”

And then he's pulling Alex away, his hand linked in hers, and it's too much too soon. Alex doesn't quite understand why the look on Maggie's face is making her chest hurt as badly as it does, why she wants so much to turn around and take it away. She keeps glancing behind her until finally one time she turns and Maggie is gone.

//

Maggie doesn't show up to lunch, and Alex texts her several times but doesn't get anything in response.

“Where's Maggie?” Kara asks her about fifteen minutes into the period.

“No idea,” she says, but she has a feeling she knows the answer — _avoiding me._

Maggie arrives a minute late to forensics, earning a lecture from the teacher. She walks to her desk with her head down, and keeps it like that until the bell rings. Alex tries several times to get her attention — even passes her a note at one point — but Maggie doesn't spare her a glance. She practically darts from the room at the end of class, and Alex has is thankful for her long legs when she's able to easily catch up just outside.

 _“_ Maggie _,”_ she calls after her. “Maggie, wait up.”

The shorter girl finally stops as Alex's voice grows closer, though Alex isn't sure she should be grateful when she turns around, fire burning in her eyes.

“What is it?” she asks.

“Are you mad at me?”

Maggie scoffs, then shakes her head. “Why would I be mad at you?” she crosses her arms. Despite her denial, Alex can feel the anger radiating off of her, from her posture to her bitter tone. She swallows, unsure of how she can make this better.

“I don't know, but you seem... is this because of Tommy?”

“What about him?”

“That he's my boyfriend.”

Maggie blanches. “Really? One date and you're in a relationship?” she asks, voice angrier than it has a right to be.

“Why do you care?” Alex pushes back.

“Because you're my friend, and I don't want you to do something stupid,” Maggie says, borderline shouting. She notices a few heads turn her way and quiets her voice. “I'm sorry, but — what do you even know about this guy, anyway?”

It makes Alex madder than it should. But there's something about the implication, that she doesn't know enough to make her own choices about who to date, that sets off a spark in her.

“It doesn't matter. I'd like to get to know him,” Alex says. “And if you were really my friend, you'd be supportive of that.”

And then she's walking away, leaving Maggie at her locker.

“Alex, wait!” she hears her call, but she doesn't turn back.

//

Tommy texts her after school to let her know the plans are off — his mom came down with a cold and would be home all evening. She can't help but notice that she's not really disappointed, but she chalks that up to it being a new relationship. She doesn't really know him, as Maggie had so angrily reminded her earlier that day, and she was nervous about spending alone time with him at his house.

Alex picks up her phone, staring at the screen. She wants Maggie to text her, call her — anything, but she has a feeling she's going to have to initiate their next contact. She'd yelled at her — but Maggie was being _ridiculous._

 _She's just being protective of me,_ Alex thinks. _Like Kara would be if she didn't know Tommy was a good guy._

Still, she doesn't send Maggie a message asking if they can talk. No, she should probably think about what she wants to say first. She doesn't really know how to feel. And besides, she doesn't really want to be the first one to say something. Maggie owes her an apology, right?

_Then why do I feel like I'm the one who did something wrong?_

She's just getting ready for bed when there's a knock at the window. Alex knows who it's going to be right away, but she's still surprised to find Maggie standing there, hair wet from the light drizzle falling.

“What're you doing here?” Alex asks. She doesn't mean for it to sound angry, but it must, given the way Maggie cringes.

“Can I just have like, two minutes of your time? And then I'll be out of your hair,” she says. The words are rushed but practiced, and Alex finds herself nodding. It's raining, and it's not like Alex was going to say no anyway. She's not really mad at Maggie, just confused at why she had snapped so harshly earlier.

She opens the window wider, reaching an arm down to help her in.

Maggie doesn't waste any time once she's inside, immediately beginning to pace.

“I'm sorry. I know, I overreacted, and it was weird, like really weird, but — I just — you're my best friend in Midvale, Danvers,” she says, pausing to let the words sink in. “I don't want to lose you.”

Alex stops Maggie with a hand on her arm, desperate to stop the frantic pacing. “You're not losing me, Maggie,” Alex shakes her head as Maggie turns to her. “I'm just dating a boy. You're still my friend. My _best_ friend.”

It's the first time she's said that out loud, and Maggie looks relieved. She swallows, then nods. “I'm sorry,” she says again. “I don't know what's wrong with me.”

Alex pulls her into a hug. “It's okay,” she says, as she rubs circles against Maggie's back.

They stand like that for several minutes, Maggie's head on Alex's shoulder, until one of them finally moves for the bed. Alex wordlessly grabs her computer, queues an episode, and snuggles into Maggie's side.

//

Everything goes back to normal after that, save for a few things. Maggie doesn't show up at her locker in the mornings anymore, and now Tommy walks her to and from class. Maggie still calls every night, but rarely comes to her window, and when she does it's for brief visits — she doesn't spend the night again. She and Tommy start holding hands in the hallway, and he even gives her his letterman jacket after the first month.

Their relationship isn't exactly the best — he definitely wants things to be more physical, but Alex made it clear from the start of the relationship: sex isn't something she's willing to rush into. He's being patient, but she can tell he's growing frustrated, and she's not sure she likes the feeling of the pressure to choose between what she wants for herself and having a boyfriend.

Alex hasn't been invited back over Maggie's since the _incident_ , but she's not sure if it's because of Maggie's father, or because of the weirdness that had happened between them a few weeks ago.

Still, they continue on as if everything is normal. They drop off their college applications together at the post office. Maggie had filled out way more than Alex, making her nervous — what are the chances she'll stick around if she gets accepted somewhere awesome across country? The thought makes her feel guilty. She should want what's best for her best friend, but instead, she's selfishly wishing for her to stay behind, with a family that makes her miserable.

Tommy starts to sit with them at lunch. Maggie doesn't really speak to him much — or at all, for that matter, choosing instead to busy herself with homework for the majority of the period most days. Tommy doesn't seem to notice — he's happy to talk to James, and Kara and Alex always somehow have plenty to discuss.

To be honest, Alex liked it better when Tommy wasn't eating lunch with them. Seeing him every day was getting on her nerves. He only had a few things that he liked to talk about, and he didn't really seem to value Alex's opinion on any of them.

Kara even says something to her one day after school.

“Are you happy?” she asks as Alex drives.

“What do you mean?” Alex says. “You mean with Tommy?”

Kara shrugs. “Yeah, I guess. Things have just seemed different with you lately.” She pauses. “You haven't been hanging out with Maggie as much.”

“She's been busy,” Alex says, and she _has_ been. She's been working extra shifts at the grocery store, trying to save up as much as possible before graduation so her dream of moving out soon after could become a reality. Still, some nights she would swing by Alex's on the way home, pockets full of candy boxes, damaged or swiped from the aisles.

“Do you miss her?”

“Of course,” Alex responds immediately.

“I think she misses you, too,” Kara says. But Alex doubts that — Maggie is clearly trying to pull away from her, probably readying herself for leaving for a college across the country, and she doesn't really know how to stop it, or if she even has a right to.

//

Maggie calls her when she gets her acceptance letter to National City University.

“They're offering me a full scholarship,” she says, and she sounds genuinely excited.

“Wow, Mags — that's great, congratulations,” Alex says. She hasn't gotten her acceptance letter in the mail yet, but if she's getting one it should be coming any day now. She's heard from other colleges, and hasn't been turned down yet, so she's actually feeling pretty good about it. “Do you think you'll go?”

“Do you want me to?” Maggie asks, and Alex's breath catches in her throat.

“What do you mean — of _course_ I want you to,” she says.

“Okay,” is all she says before changing the subject to their forensics homework, but Alex can't stop thinking about how quiet Maggie's voice got, how vulnerable she sounded.

 _Why does Maggie think I don't want her coming with me?_ she wonders. She's pretty sure she's made that explicitly clear — maybe not in the past month, but she had definitely said it before that, hadn't she? Of course she wants her best friend with her — it'd be like a dream come true.

She wonders why Maggie doesn't know that.

//

It's two weeks before graduation when she breaks up with Tommy.

It feels like a long time coming, despite how short the relationship itself actually lasted. Things just weren't going well. He was a little too demanding and a _lot_ too uninterested in what Alex had to say. He seemed nice enough on the outside, but to be with him day in and day out — Alex has gotten irritated with him, to say the least.

So she doesn't feel bad when she sits him down in her room to break the news. That is, until after he leaves.

He takes it well enough — she supposes he could sense it coming — and even hugs her on the way out, saying that he'd like to stay friends.

“See you around,” he says before he closes the door.

As soon as he's gone, she picks up her phone.

Maggie answers after a few rings. “What's up, Danvers?”

“Hey,” Alex says, voice thick with tears. She's not sure _why_ she feels like she's about to cry — she'd barely liked Tommy, and they'd only dated for two months.

“Alex? What's wrong?” Maggie's voice is full of concern.

“I uh — I broke up with Tommy.”

“I'll be right over,” Maggie says. “You want me to stay on the line, or?”

“No, just be safe,” Alex says. “See you soon.”

//

Maggie is there just ten minutes later, which has to be a record for the girl. Alex pulls open her window, laughing when Maggie has to scramble to get through.

“We need to get you a little stool or something,” Alex says.

“You calling me short, Danvers?” Maggie asks.

“Never,” Alex says. “I know better than to tell you the truth.”

Maggie stands in front of her, hands in her pockets, unsure of what to do with herself. “So,” she says, then stops, taking a deep breath. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm fine, it's just —” Alex sighs. “It wasn't working. He wasn't... I didn't like being around him.”

“That's a pretty important factor in a relationship,” Maggie says, raising her eyebrows.

“I know, I know. I don't know why I let it last for two months.”

Maggie blinks. “Has it really been that long?”

Alex nods. “Yeah.” She flattens her mouth into a thin line. “I missed you. Where did you go?”

“You know I've been working,” she says.

Alex frowns. It's not the answer she wants, but it's all Maggie seems to be willing to give. She decides to change the subject. “I got into NCU,” she says. She'd gotten her acceptance letter to their criminal justice program a week after Maggie had received hers, plenty of time for Alex to start to worry that she wouldn't be getting in after all. “Sending in my acceptance letter tomorrow.”

Maggie smiles, but she's holding back. “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that actually. Part of the reason I've been working so much — I've been saving up for my deposit.” Her smile spreads into a grin, and Alex can't help but start to return it before Maggie even breaks the news. “I'm going to National City University. Wanna be roommates?”

Alex feels like all the air has left the room. She can see it now — an apartment with just her and Maggie, nothing but nights spent on the couch or with Kara and James, watching movies. They'd eat grilled cheese for dinner, or pizza or whatever variation of bread and cheese Maggie was craving that day. It sounds perfect, and Alex finds herself nodding despite her disbelief.

“Really?” she can't help but ask.

Maggie laughs, and all Alex sees are _dimples. “_ Of course. Neither of us would ever be able to rent around there without a roommate anyway, and _god_ knows we don't want to live on campus.”

Alex nods. “All good points.”

“So, for real? We're going to do this?”

“For real,” Alex confirms. She offers a hand to Maggie, and she takes it with an enthusiastic shake. It lasts a few seconds, and as it slows neither lets go, until they're just standing there holding hands for a moment. Alex takes a moment to soak in the way Maggie looks, hair windswept from riding here on her bike, cheeks tinted pink from the exertion.

She takes a step backwards after a second, but it doesn't break the contact, Maggie instead just following her as they walk over to the bed.

Maggie puts on a playlist on her phone — titled something about break-ups, though Alex doesn't find herself paying attention to the music when Maggie pulls her head into her lap so she can play with her hair.

“I think I'm going to be alone forever,” Alex says after a few songs.

“What makes you say that?”

She looks up at Maggie, unamused. “Are you kidding me?”

“Alex, everyone has a bunch of relationships in high school that don't work out. Haven't you seen the movies?”

Alex sighs. “I know. But... it's not even that. It's that I don't even get the _point_ of them anymore. Maybe it's just the guys around here, but everyone I talk to... no one really excites me. I was never happy to see Tommy — at best I was okay with him being there most of the time.”

Maggie runs her hand through Alex's hair. “Well — college will be better. Bigger pond, more fish.”

Alex lets out a heavy breath, burrowing her nose into Maggie's shoulder slightly. “Maybe I'm just unloveable.”

Maggie's fingers graze across her cheekbones. “I know for a fact you're not.”

Alex doesn't question it, just keeps looking up at Maggie as the girl continues to stroke her face, the motion more comforting that Alex ever expected it to be. Suddenly her eyes widen.

“Shit,” she says, raising a hand to slap her forehead. “I already bought prom tickets.”

Maggie's hand stalls. “I mean — you said you left it on good terms. You and Tommy could still go together.”

Alex groans. “That sounds like torture.” She sighs. “Do you think I could sell it to someone?”

“I think they're stuck in your name, unfortunately. This school is weirdly strict about prom.”

“Shit,” she says again. “There goes eighty bucks.”

“That's a damn shame,” Maggie says, though she's not looking at Alex when she says it, eyes trailing off to the side as if there's something else on her mind.

Alex has an idea, and doesn't really think twice before voicing it. “Well... what if we just go together?”

“You and me?” Maggie asks, blinking.

“Yeah — I mean, we both don't have dates, I have two tickets...” Alex says, shrugging before looking nervous. “Is that weird?”

Maggie is quick to shake her head. “No. No, of course not. I'd love to go with you.”

A small smile spreads across Alex's face. “Really?”

Maggie nudges her. “Really, Danvers.”

Alex looks far-off for a second, finding herself lost in thoughts about the two of them together, dressed to the nines and out on a dance floor. The idea makes her nervous, but there's no taking it back now. She realizes something, eyebrows shooting up as she looks back at Maggie.

“I've never seen you in a dress.”

Maggie swallows, suddenly unsure of herself. “Oh — I uh, don't think I actually have one.”

“I guess we'll just have to go shopping then,” Alex says, grin widening. “You free this weekend?”

“I work the morning shift on Saturday, I'll be done by two,” Maggie says.

“I'll pick you up.” Alex offers. “How's three?”

“Sounds perfect.”

//

Maggie makes sure not to fall asleep in Alex's bed that night — she wouldn't want to risk getting grounded, not with prom to look forward to now. Instead she waits until Alex has nodded off to slip out the window, a small smile she can't seem to suppress finding its way onto her lips the entire ride home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is now the longest chapter! Hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think in the comments or on tumblr (@aka-patsywalker).
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	8. so it starts again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback... and I'm sorry to say, not the last. But the next one will _for sure_ be the last, and then we can get back to the cliffhanger-y bits. 
> 
> This chapter is from Maggie's perspective, and follows her from meeting Alex to the end of the last chapter.

She doesn't see her at first.

It seems impossible, looking back on it. It's pretty much the last time she's occupying the same space as Alex Danvers that she's not totally preoccupied with her presence.

Maggie chalks it up to it being a long shift — she's been there since that morning, and she's worked pretty much every day in the week that she's lived in Midvale. Her nights are spent unpacking, and she can never fall asleep in her new room.

So she's not really paying attention as she rings up the copious amount of junk food the girl in front of her has stockpiled. It does briefly occur to her that it's a lot of food for one person, but she's certainly seen crazier things in her week as a cashier and who is she to judge, anyway?

She doesn't even really look at the girl until she addresses her by name.

“You new around here?” she asks. Maggie's eyes snap up — the girl is her age. She's pretty, in the kind of way that makes Maggie think she's probably one of the popular girls at the high school she'll be starting at next week.

“Guess Midvale really is a small town. We just moved here last week,” she supplies, and the girl smiles. It's genuine, and it sets Maggie at ease. That is, until she spots the girl hiding behind the cart, and she almost forgets to answer whatever question it is the younger girl poses next.

“I start after winter break,” she forces out, hoping that she's recalling what she was asked correctly. If it's the wrong thing to say, the girl doesn't react.

Her brain goes on autopilot for the rest of the conversation, trying her hardest not to let her gaze flick back over to the taller girl with the strong cheekbones and soft eyes. She manages, until the girl goes to leave and actually _looks_ at her.

“Have a good one,” she blurts out before her brain can catch up with her mouth, and she feels her face start to burn red. The girl just smiles and nods back at her, as if to say _you too_ , and then she's gone.

//

It turns out Alex Danvers is full of surprises.

She surprises Maggie when she comes into the store a few days later and actually initiates a conversation. After a bit of friendly back and forth, she introduces herself, and Maggie's happy to have at least one friendly face waiting for her at Midvale High School next week.

She's surprised when Danvers turns up at James' party — she hadn't seemed the type, based on their brief interaction — and even more so when her eyes darken just a little when she sees Maggie before they drag up her frame.

_Did she just check me out?_ It's wishful thinking, and she knows it even then, but it still lights a fire in her that she's unable to squash by the end of the night, especially not when Alex sits next to her on the couch, and she catches Maggie off-guard again by being visibly affected by her nearness.

She knows she shouldn't be enjoying this — it shouldn't send a thrill down her spine every time Alex smiles at her or looks at her like _that_ — because she knows it's all in her head. And anyway, what good would having another crush on a girl do, even if it were reciprocated? No, not now, not while she's still under her father's thumb. She's faced the consequences of that once before, and she's sure they'd be even harsher this time around.

Once is a fluke, something her father would accept enough to keep her under his roof. But twice?

So she decides that she'll keep Alex at a distance.

//

It also turns out that Maggie isn't very good at keeping Alex at a distance. She doesn't even last a day before she gives the girl her number, and barely a week before she's inviting herself over the Danvers' house.

Her mother taught her to never show up to a new friend's house empty-handed, so she decides to bring something that pretty much everyone likes: pizza. The way Alex's eyes light up when she sees the boxes tell her that it was the right choice, even if Alex says that Kara is the one that's going to love her for it.

And she does. She flings her arms around Maggie as soon as she sees the boxes on the counter, causing Alex to hide her head in her hands and shake her head as if to say _don't mind her._ But Maggie doesn't mind — at all. Her family isn't like this, isn't _nice_ , something that is only further cemented when Eliza Danvers pokes her head into Alex's room that night.

Maggie tries not to react to the woman's name, though she doesn't think she's successful based on the way Alex's brow furrows as she looks at her — but it's a name from her past that she doesn't feel like remembering right now.

//

Any good vibes that she picked up while being at the Danvers' immediately dissipate as soon as she arrives home to a fight between her parents. She doesn't interfere — she learned not to long ago — but it doesn't take long for them to bring her into it, and she ends up storming off to her room with tears in her eyes.

The door slams behind her and she paces the length of her room for a few minutes before pulling out her phone. It's indulgent of her — she just left her house hours before — but she needs to hear Alex's voice. It's the only thing that will make her feel better tonight.

//

It turns out that the next night she can't fall asleep without talking to Alex first. At least, that's the excuse she uses for calling her friend that night (and every single night that month).

Sometimes the conversations only last a few minutes, sleepy mumblings about everything and anything. Sometimes they stay on the phone for hours, and Maggie needs an extra cup of coffee the next morning (not that she's complaining).

Talking to Alex makes her feel like she's on cloud nine, and she tries to ignore the anxiety building in her chest at the implication and focus on how good it feels just to be around her.

//

One night, it all becomes too much. Her father is yelling — _screaming_ , really, as he does sometimes when he drinks — saying that he gave up his life for a daughter who won't even appreciate his sacrifices. He'd left everything behind to give her a chance at a _normal_ life.

She doesn't remember what she did to deserve his ire by the end of it — she'd probably smarted off about something stupid, but it doesn't matter because it quickly dissolves into the same old argument.

“They have places we could send a kid like you,” is the last thing she hears before she slams the door to her room. She slides down it, pressing her hands against her ears as she cries.

She stops eventually, eyes stinging and tired, and listens until there's no more noise coming from outside her door. She can't spend the night in here, not with him, and she decides that tonight will be the first night she sneaks out of this house. It was something she was practiced at her house in Nebraska.

She doesn't have to think of where to go — she hops on her bike and finds herself moving fast towards Alex's house. She's out of breath by the time she arrives, but she doesn't pause to catch it before raising a fist an knocking on the window she knows to be Alex's.

Alex hugs her for the first time that night, and Maggie wishes she would never let go.

//

Being grounded sucks, but Maggie is pretty sure the crime was worth the punishment this time around. Sure, her father's anger over the phone is only a fraction of what it will be later, but Alex held her hand as they fell asleep. And yes, she'll miss talking to Alex every night on the phone, but now she knows what it's like to wake up to the girl, her eyes brown and bright and _beautiful_ , and — this all just feels so right she can't be making it all up in her head, can she?

So she's more than happy to accept two weeks of imprisonment knowing that at the end of it, she and Alex will be closer than ever.

Something has changed between them. They've crossed a threshold, which should be scary, except now Maggie knows what Alex's hand feels like in hers, how perfectly her fingers intertwine with her own, and maybe having feelings for a girl is not so daunting anymore.

//

Maggie tells her dad she's working a closing shift after work even though she knows her manager will probably let her off by seven — there's never customers there on Sunday's. She grabs a few packages of candy on her way out and heads straight for the Danvers.

She could knock on the front door, but she kind of likes the feeling of sneaking around the back of the house and knocking on Alex's window, likes the way Alex always beams when she sees her friend standing there.

“I didn't think you'd be able to come,” Alex says as soon as Maggie is in her room.

Maggie grins. “Well, here I am. And I come bearing gifts.”

She whips out a Snickers bar, Alex's favorite — because what is a marathon without snacks? — and the two bucks is so worth the way Alex's eyes roll back as she bites her lip.

“Have I told you lately that I love you?” Alex asks before plucking the chocolate out of Maggie's hand.

Maggie hopes the grin on her face doesn't look as stupid as it feels.

They set up shop on Alex's bed, her old clunky laptop between them as they start up Criminal Minds. They've already gotten through Alex's box set of the first season, so Maggie searches until she finds a decent stream.

Just as they're about to finish the second episode someone knocks on Alex's door, not waiting for a response before entering.

“Hey, Alex? Winn still isn't answering me. Do you mind if I just chill in —” Kara stops when she sees there's more than one person on the bed. “Oh, Maggie! didn't hear you come in.”

“She used the secret entrance,” Alex says, nodding at the window.

“I didn't mean to intrude — you guys enjoy your night,” she says, waving a hand. She looks tired, and her smile is lacking its signature shine.

_Losing your best friend will do that to you,_ Maggie thinks.

“Kara, hold up,” Maggie says, moving the laptop off her lap so she can stand. She walks over to where her coat is hanging on the back of Alex's chair.

She thought this might happen, so she came prepared. She pulls a package of Starburst out of her pocket and tosses it at Kara.

“I was kind of hoping you'd join us.” Maggie sits, leaving room between her and Alex on the bed. She motions with her head. “Come on, Little Danvers.”

Kara opens her mouth, looking towards the door like she's about to make an excuse before she sighs and moves between them without another word.

“Thank you,” Alex mouths over Kara's head, and Maggie feels full of warmth as she snuggles in closer to the sisters.

//

Maggie hadn't meant for Alex to see the application to National City University. It was a fleeting thought, really. She saw the booth and grabbed one off the table. She didn't even talk to the representative. She knows she shouldn't give in, shouldn't go somewhere just to be close to a _girl,_ especially not one she'll probably never muster up the strength to admit her feelings to. But still it caught her eye, and she had all but forgotten about it until Alex pulls it out from her pile of papers.

She fumbles through an explanation — but Alex persists.

“I didn't think you'd want to be anywhere near your parents,” Alex says, and Maggie frowns because _yeah,_ she'd said that, but that was before she'd met _Alex._

She barely stops herself from saying those words, though what she comes up with isn't much better.

“I guess some things might be worth sticking around for.”

It's too close to a confession and Maggie feels her heart thudding against her ribcage.

She's not expecting Alex to hug her, but she practically throws herself at Maggie, slipping her arms easily around her sides as she pulls her in tight. Maggie instinctively reaches around her neck, standing on her toes so she can press her full weight into the other girl.

She wonders what would happen if she kissed her. It would be so easy — Alex is _so_ close, she could just pull back a little and do it if she could find the courage. She knows she won't, though, so she just holds her a little closer, a little tighter.

And then the door slams open, and her father is standing there, eyes darting between Maggie and Alex.

Dread immediately washes over her like a wave. It's a familiar terror.

“Maggie,” he says, breaking the silence, and she tries not to flinch at the sound of his voice. She doesn't dare to glance at Alex. “I need to talk to you, now.”

She chances a look at Alex once his back is turned. Her face is pale, her eyes wide, and Maggie feels guilty — she shouldn't have to deal with this. She's done nothing wrong.

Her father is waiting for her with his arms crossed.

“What is a girl doing in your room?”

“She's just a friend from school. I promise,” she says, trying not to sound like she's begging. He won't respect that. She has to hold her ground. “We were filling out college applications.”

“You were touching each other.”

“It was a hug. She was getting ready to leave,” Maggie says.

He lets a heavy breath out of his nostrils as he regards her, brow furrowed. She's expecting an explosion, but she doesn't get one.

“Fine. Then she leaves. Now. And I don't want to see that girl back in this house,” he says, and she knows it's not up for discussion.

It makes her blood boil, because Alex is her friend — and that's all she'll ever be, at this rate. Isn't that punishment enough? But she knows she can't push it. He's already shown that he's not afraid to uproot their family if she... if she's...

“Understood.”

He holds her gaze for a long second, looking for any sign that she's not being truthful, but Maggie has mastered her poker face.

He leaves without another word.

She waits for him to round the corner before she lets out a shaky sigh — she feels like she's dodged a bullet and started a fire all at the same time. She wonders how long it will be before her entire life is engulfed in flames again.

//

It turns out it doesn't take long for everything to fall apart.

_A date. Tonight._

_Alex is going on a date._

Alex has feelings for someone and _it's not Maggie,_ and her world feels like it's crumbling.

Maggie is grateful that they're only on the phone, that Alex can't see the look on her face right now. She knows she would be unable to conceal the heartbreak.

Because Alex is going on a date and Alex is _excited_ and she wants her friend to be excited with her, for her — but Maggie can't.

She makes up an excuse. She can hear the disappointment in Alex's voice, and it tugs on her heartstrings — she's a terrible friend. Alex certainly deserves better.

“I'll just talk to you later, then?”

“Sure thing.”

It had all been in her head, hadn't it?

//

She doesn't know why she does it. She'd promised herself she'd keep it together, keep it to herself. Alex is allowed to have a boyfriend, after all. She has no right to be mad — but she is, _god she is_ , and it comes out as soon as Alex catches up to her in the hallway.

“One date and you're in a relationship?”

Maggie knew she'd have to deal with her feelings for Alex eventually, but this is all happening _so fast_ , and her world feels like its spinning out of control. She's out of line, and she knows it, but she can't stop herself. The words don't sound like her own — they sound judgemental and mean, and she watches as the anger begins to burn in Alex's eyes in response.

“Why do you care?” The words cut her, because Alex must know, right? She has to see it, the way Maggie looks at her, she has to feel it when she touches her, doesn't she? But somehow her friend is standing in front of her, hurt and confused, and the knot in Maggie's stomach twists tighter.

“Because you're my friend, and I don't want you to do something stupid.” Her voice is loud, too loud — she never wanted to _yell_ at Alex, and yet here she is, standing in the middle of the hallway and she can't stop herself. “I'm sorry, but — what do you even know about this guy, anyway?”

It's the wrong thing to say, she knows it as soon as she says it. Alex's eyes darken, and Maggie wants to crawl into a hole and hide away from all of this until it blows over, until she can emerge and have her best friend back.

“It doesn't matter. I'd like to get to know him. And if you were really my friend, you'd be supportive of that.”

“Alex, wait!”

She doesn't.

//

Maggie misses the bus.

She gets lost on her way to her locker, vision swimming with tears unshed as she moves through the sea of people in the hallway, not caring as they shove past her roughly when she drags her feet.

She feels like she's going to be sick.

She walks, aimlessly, her hands shoved roughly in her coat pocket as she makes her way out onto the school grounds. She passes the line of busses, eyes searching between them for glimpses of the parking lot, hoping that somehow she'll be lucky enough to spot Alex. But what would she even say if she could?

She crosses the road to soccer fields, grass dry and discolored from being buried under snow. She keeps her eyes down, kicking at rocks along the way until she hits the stands.

“Maggie?” A voice stops her in her tracks. It's not the one she wants to hear — no, it's much too deep — but she turns nonetheless to find Winn sitting near the top of the stadium seating.

She walks up to him, noticing as she gets closer his slumped shoulders and bowed head, his hands clasped between his knees.

“Are you okay?” It's a stupid question, really, because the boy is clearly not okay. He's been crying, the slightest trace of tears staining his cheeks as he looks out over the field.

“I think I've ruined everything,” he says, stare blank.

Maggie frowns. It sounds dramatic, sure, but she understands where he's coming from. His whole world has fallen apart in the past week. She's had the person she was closest to stolen away from her before — albeit under much different circumstances, but she knows the hole it leaves, the sadness that fills it.

She sits down next to him. “You're going to have to explain.” This is about Kara — that much is obvious — but she still doesn't know exactly what transpired between the two that night at her house.

“I'm not mad, and I hate that she thinks I am and that I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it,” he says, voice rising to a desperate pitch. “But talking to her hurts, and I don't think I can do it anymore.”

Maggie takes a deep breath, then sighs. “Telling someone how you feel can be terrifying. But you guys can never move forward unless you do. Is this really how you want things to end?”

Winn shakes his head. “Of course not. Kara has been my best friend since middle school. I can't imagine my life without her.”

“Then tell her that. Be honest with her. Let her know that you're not going to walk away from this just because she doesn't return your feelings, that you still want her in your life as a friend.”

Winn looks at her, a small, sad smile on his face. “How'd you get to be so smart?”

Maggie laughs. “I wish I were, but unfortunately I'm just speaking from experience.”

“Oh?” Winn raises his eyebrows, shifting to so he can look at her. She's happy to see that he's broken out of his stupor, but knows that it's only because the attention is on her now. It's her turn to share.

“I had a friend that I was really, really into. And I thought — I could've sworn she liked me too, but,” she stops, shakes her head. She can't believe she's let this happen to her again, after all the promises she made herself after Eliza. “I left a note one day in her locker. She uh — she didn't feel the same way.”

“Oh,” Winn says again, jaw slack. “I mean, I didn't know you were — that you liked — I mean it'sgreat, it's fantastic,” he rambles until Maggie chuckles. He sighs, closing his eyes. “I'm sorry. That was awkward. Can we pretend I didn't say any of that?”

“Deal.”

“So what happened?”

“Well, Eliza was nice enough about it, but I didn't really take it well. Better than you,” she says, nudging him. “But I didn't think I could be friends with her anymore. I pulled away.”

“So you lost her?”

Maggie laughs again, but this time it's different, darker. “You could say that. I didn't really have any other friends, so I wrote basically everything down in a journal. My thoughts, my feelings... all of it. And then my dad found it.” She swallows, dropping Winn's gaze as the familiar feeling of dread rises up in her chest. It had been the worst night of her life. “He decided on an... unconventional punishment. He took a job at Midvale General and made me uproot my entire life.”

Winn doesn't know what to say. His mouth opens, then closes, then frowns. “That's... I'm sorry that he did that to you.”

She nods, sniffling. “Me too.”

“Maggie, I just want you to know... there's nothing wrong with who you are. Don't let him make you think that there is,” he says, his voice solemn, and Maggie feels like crying.

Maybe it isn't wrong to like girls — but it is definitely wrong to get mad at them when they don't like you back.

Winn must sense something is wrong, because he scoots a little closer to her on the cold metal bench. “No wonder you want to get out of here as soon as you graduate. It must suck not being able to be who you are in your own house.”

Maggie thinks back to the other night, when her father banished Alex from coming to her home. Not that she thinks the girl would come over right now if she asked her — no, she probably has a long way to go before she earns that back.

She feels guilty thinking that this will all be so much easier when she leaves — if she leaves. On the one hand, she thinks being as far away as possible from Alex might be for the best, at least for their friendship. But for her? She wants to live with Alex, to be surrounded by her constantly, despite the fact that it would probably feel like torture at this point.

If she would even have her after that shit show in the hallway.

Maggie bolts upright.

“I uh — I gotta go.”

“What?” Winn says, pouting. “I thought we were bonding.”

“We were. Good talk,” she says, patting him on the shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. “But it made me realize that I have something I really, really have to do.”

//

She's halfway to Alex's before she remembers her friend's words from that morning — that she couldn't hang out tonight, that she had another date with Tommy. Even thinking that dumb jock's name is enough to have the back of her neck prickling in a mix of anger and jealousy.

Maggie sighs. Her house is at least a thirty minute walk from here, and the dark clouds gathering overhead are threatening. Of course she'd get caught in a rainstorm on what was shaping up to be the second worst day of her life.

She's thinking about hiding out in one of Midvale's stores until the storm passes — the grocery where she works is only like five minutes away if she speed walks — when a car pulls up next to her.

The window rolls down just enough so that she can see it's James inside.

“Forgot your umbrella?” he asks.

“Nah, I love being rained on. It's exhilarating,” she says, teeth chattering on the last word as a shiver runs down her spine, and James laughs.

“You wouldn't be interested in a ride then?”

His car is warm, his leather seats heated, and she closes her eyes as she rests her head against the back of the seat.

They ride in silence for a few minutes before James speaks.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?” Maggie counters quickly.

James glances at her quickly before looking back at the road. “Come on, Maggie. We're friends. I can tell something is up.”

She shrugs. “It hasn't been the best day.”

“Is this about Tommy and Alex?”

Maggie suddenly regrets getting in the car. James is too perceptive, and too good a friend to let her suffer in silence, but she hasn't had time to sort out her own thoughts in her head, never mind out loud. “What makes you say that?” she asks, voice as guarded as she can swing it at the moment.

“Come on, Maggie. I'm not blind — I've seen the way you act around her,” he says, and she frowns. She's not that obvious, is she? And if she is, does that mean Alex has noticed?

What if she's just been making a giant fool of herself this entire time?

James senses that he's said the wrong thing and hurries to fix it. “And I've seen the way she acts around you too, Maggie.”

He's trying to be nice, she knows, but it still hurts. “Yeah, right. She's got a boyfriend,” she retorts.

“And I had a girlfriend when I first met Kara. And I loved Lucy — she's one of my oldest friends, and she still is — but we'd grown apart, and it was time to move on.” He sighs. “My point is, sometimes people date people who aren't right for them. But it's all part of the process for finding the right person, you know?”

“Are you saying I'm the right person for Alex?”

“I don't know that. But I'm just saying, even if you are — it's not the worst idea in the world for her to date people in high school. And the same goes for you,” he says, earning an eye roll from Maggie. “Relationships are complex. A little practice can't hurt.”

Maggie swallows, grateful that they're finally turning down their road. “Well I'm afraid I don't really have too many options as far as practice goes.”

“Then for now, just don't give up on your friendship. Not over a boy,” he says. “And if things are meant to be, they'll be.”

Maggie nods, and her smile isn't as forced as she thought it'd be. “Thanks for the pep talk,” she says as he pulls up on the curb in front of her house.

“Any time.”

Maggie gets out of the car and goes straight to her room, pulls out her journal and starts writing. She hasn't written about Alex yet — too afraid of her father finding it and what would come of that — but she needs to organize her thoughts.

She needs to apologize to Alex.

Because Alex is sweet and kind and funny and meeting her has been just about the best thing that has happened to Maggie and she can't — no, won't — imagine her life without her in it.

//

She doesn't make it until morning. It's going on midnight when she checks to make sure her father is asleep and slips out the front door, using her key to lock it behind her. Her bike is leaning up against the side of the house, and she thinks that maybe she should've brought a jacket when she begins riding. There's a cold drizzle again, and the wind now whipping around her is only making it that much worse.

Instead, she puts her head down and keeps pedaling.

She's gone over what she wants to say a thousand times — that she doesn't meet many people she cares about, that Alex is _special_ and Maggie is stupid, so stupid for messing that up. She had just... freaked out, that's all. She's sorry, and she knows that doesn't excuse it but she wants to make it up to her because Alex is her best friend, and she needs her in her life.

All the words rush out of her mind when she knocks on the window, and as soon as her friend appears on the other side all she can think is _Alex, Alex, Alex._

_Alex_ , who is extending her arm and helping her up. Maggie thought her touch would provide comfort, as it always has, but instead it just makes her more nervous. What if this is the last time she gets to climb through Alex's window? She hasn't done it nearly enough yet.

Maggie opens her mouth, ready to launch into her speech, but what comes out is barely coherent and she feels her heart starting to race, her skin starting to flush until Alex reaches out a hand and stops her from pacing.

“You're not losing me,” Alex says. “You're my best friend.”

“I'm sorry,” she says again, and she must sound particularly pathetic because Alex is reaching out and pulling her into a hug.

Maggie lets out a long breath.

Alex isn't going anywhere, and she called Maggie her best friend. That means something, at least, right?

She wraps her arms around Alex and hopes that everything will go back to normal.

//

Nothing goes back to normal.

It turns out, Maggie hates Tommy, and not just because he's dating the girl that she's falling for. She knew she recognized him from somewhere that morning in the hallway — he's in her health class, and always makes dumb comments that make his group of friends snicker and high five.

She doesn't tell Alex, though. She's already overstepped her bounds. If she went back to Alex with a new reason for her not to date Tommy, she's pretty sure it would go just about as well as the first time.

So she hangs back. She stops going to Alex's locker in the mornings so she doesn't have to see the way he wraps his arms around her waist, doesn't have to watch as he presses a kiss against her cheek before dragging her away, usually with the faintest acknowledgement that Maggie is even standing there.

The nights are still theirs, though. Alex seems to get enough of Tommy in school, something else she won't comment on, so she spends her nights on the phone with Maggie. It feels different, though. Less like Alex is tethering Maggie to the world and more like Maggie has tethered herself to Alex, too clingy to let her friend live her own life. She'd enjoyed it more when they were in their own little bubble.

So she fills out dozens of applications to places all over the country, because god knows she can't stay here anymore, right? But then she gets an acceptance letter — her very first — to National City University.

She finds herself calling Alex to tell her the news before she's really even processed it herself.

“Do you think you'll go?” Alex's voice is quieter than Maggie is used to, as if she's unsure whether or not she wants to hear the answer. It gives Maggie pause.

“Do you want me to?”

“Of course.” Alex sounds hurt at the suggestion, and Maggie remembers that Alex doesn't know how much Maggie cares for her, or how she _knows_ that Alex doesn't care for her as much or in the same way. So she changes the subject, pushing the thought out of her brain.

It'd be torturous for Maggie, going to school with Alex, watching Alex go off and live her life with someone else. Maybe she'd get over it, move on and find a nice girl in college. That happens, she's heard. Or maybe Alex and Tommy will break up one day and Maggie won't be such an idiot this time around.

She thinks of James' words, and hopes that this will pass. And she knows that when it does, she's going to want to be wherever Alex is. She doesn't tell Alex that she starts saving for her deposit to National City University.

//

It happens sooner than she thought it would.

Tommy only lasts two months before Alex calls it quits, then calls Maggie crying. Her heart clenches — not from jealousy, but because it hurts to hear her friend in pain.

“I'll be right over,” she says, and she is.

She's out of breath and probably sweaty and disgusting, but she needs to see Alex. It's been almost a week since she's seen her outside of class, and even then she'd only come over to work on homework.

She's been busy, working every day after school to put away money now that she has something to work towards. And somehow that dream just got a little more real — she and Alex could go back to normal, now.

Nothing is standing in their way.

_If things are meant to be, they'll be._

“We need to get you a stool or something,” Alex says as she pulls Maggie into the house.

“Are you calling me short, Danvers?” Maggie puts her hands on her hips as she fakes a disapproving frown.

It works; Alex laughs. “Never. I know better than to tell you the truth.”

Maggie laughs, but it dies after a second. As good as this feels, she needs to be serious for a second. “So, you okay?” she asks.

She expects Alex to cry, or at the very least to say _no_ since she had asked Maggie to come over. But she just shrugs. “Yeah I'm fine, it's just... it wasn't working. He wasn't — I didn't like being around him.”

Maggie frowns, resists the urge to say something because if she didn't even _like_ Tommy why had they just wasted all this time? But she remembers James' words — relationships are complex, experience is good — and knows that Alex has to be free to live her life, and to make her own mistakes. Even if it means dating stupid boys.

Maggie arches an eyebrow. “That's a pretty important factor in a relationship.”

Alex rolls her eyes, groaning. “I know, I know. I don't know why I let it last for two months.”

Wow. It's been two months since this all started? It somehow feels both longer and shorter, but she's not sure she wants to admit that.

“I missed you,” Alex says, and Maggie shifts uncomfortably. She looks hurt, which was never Maggie's intention. She'd apparently needed space — though she barely realized she'd been taking it.

“I've been working,” she excuses. Alex doesn't look satisfied, but she drops it, changing the subject.

“I got into NCU,” she says. “Sending in my acceptance letter tomorrow.”

Maggie grins. She hasn't told Alex yet about her decision to go to the same school as her — and what better way to cheer up her best friend than to give her a new life to look forward to?

“I've been saving up for my deposit,” Maggie says, excitement bubbling over. “Wanna be roommates?”

Alex blinks, lips quirking slightly upward before she lets out a breathy laugh. “Really?”

They shake on it, and Maggie feels like she's buzzing with electricity. Then Alex doesn't let go, just leads her over to the bed and she's so happy that she'd listened to James, that she's _here_.

Alex doesn't pull out her laptop, so Maggie assumes she doesn't feel like watching a show. She searches for an appropriate playlist as she leans against Alex's pillows. Alex sighs, stares at the ceiling and Maggie feels the need to be closer to her, so she scoots over and pulls Alex's head into her lap.

“I think I'm going to be alone forever,” Alex says. Maggie's fingers still in Alex's hair.

Maggie frowns. “What makes you say that?”

“Are you kidding me?”

Maggie snorts. Everyone's first relationship always ends in disaster, right? She reminds Alex of as much, but it doesn't seem to comfort her.

She listens as Alex explains herself — she hasn't felt the spark, it sounds like, and it sounds too familiar to Maggie, reminding her of a time when she tried to force her own feelings for boys.

But she can't say that, so instead she just runs her fingers through Alex's hair again. “Well — college will be better. Bigger pond, more fish.”

_And me._

Alex sighs, quieting for a moment as she leans into Maggie. “Maybe I'm just unloveable.”

Maggie lets her hand skirt down to Alex's face, fingertips flitting against her cheekbones before dropping to tuck a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. “I know for a fact you're not.”

Alex smiles, but it doesn't linger. “Shit. I already bought prom tickets.”

Maggie swallows, unsure of what to say. “I mean — you said you left it on good terms. You and Tommy could still go together.” As much as it hurts her to suggest — forty bucks is a lot of money to let go to waste, and Alex has been talking about prom like _forever_.

“That... sounds like torture,” Alex says, and Maggie is glad she agrees. “Do you think I can sell them?”

Maggie frowns — she's been listening to the morning announcements since she hasn't been hanging around at Alex's locker, and she knows for a fact that the tickets are non-refundable and non-transferable “for security reasons.”

“I think they're stuck in your name, unfortunately. This school is weirdly strict about prom.”

Maggie doesn't say what she's really thinking — that there's always another option, that _she_ could take Alex to prom. It'd be a bad idea — god only knows that Maggie wouldn't be able to keep herself together. Images of Alex in a dress on a dance floor, her arms looped around Maggie's shoulders as they begin to dance flash through her head, and she shakes them off.

“That's a damn shame,” she says, not sure if she's commenting on Alex's predicament or her own thoughts.

Aled breaks her reverie after just a few seconds. “What if we just go together?” she asks. She's sitting up now, eyes locked intensely on Maggie, and Maggie finds herself dumbstruck, unable to find her voice.

“You and me?” she manages.

Alex's confident air falters a little. ““Yeah — I mean, we both don't have dates, I have two tickets... Is that weird?”

Maggie shakes her head. “No. No, of course not.” _It's amazing. “_ I'd love to go with you.”

She promises herself she won't read into it, but she still can't wipe the smile off her face for hours after, even as she's falling asleep. That night she dreams of Alex in a gown, the two of them dancing the night away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I'd love to hear from you, whether it be through kudos, comments or on Tumblr (@aka-patsywalker). Thanks for reading! Sorry this chapter took a bit longer than the previous few.


	9. nothing's gonna hurt me with my eyes shut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the month-long wait! Here's a 15k word chapter to make up for it :)

The closest place to get formal dresses is almost an hour away, and Maggie finds herself getting nervous as it gets closer and closer to three o'clock on Saturday.

She paces the aisles at her job, unable to focus as she tries to stock the shelves. At least the store is basically empty for a weekend, with only a few customers wandering around. She's only set up two displays by the time her manager alerts her that it's two and time to leave — she's somehow lost track of the time, despite the fact that she's checking her phone every few minutes.

Her parents aren't home — thank god — and she has just enough time for a shower before Alex is set to pick her up. The warm water does little to quiet the unsettled feeling in her stomach. It's a different kind of nerves than she's used to, fluttering instead of gripping.

The feeling immediately washes away as soon as she's in Alex's car.

“Hey,” Alex says with an easy grin as Maggie opens the door. Maggie bends to climb into the two-door Alex's mom had agreed to pay for half of when Alex passed her drivers test. It's not the best car — it doesn't have an audio jack, and they have to use one of those contraptions that hook up through the cassette player — but it gets them from place to place with a fair bit of independence, so neither of them really mind.

“Thanks for picking me up, Danvers,” she says, buckling her seatbelt.

“It's no problem - I actually had to drop Kara off at James' anyway.” She glances worriedly at Maggie's house. “Your dad isn't home though, right? I don't want him to freak out and like, ban you from prom or something.”

Maggie laughs. “No worries, he just left for his shift a few hours ago. He won't be home until past midnight.”

“Perfect. You're all mine,” Alex says, looking at Maggie for one last smile before she pulls away from the curb. Maggie's glad Alex's gaze doesn't linger so she can't see the flush that takes over her face.

_If only you knew._

But she can't say that, so she decides on something more casual. “So, only like a week to graduation — how do you feel?”

Alex laughs. “Like I can't wait to get out of here,” she says.

“Won't you miss it? I mean, you've lived here your whole life.”

“I guess in some ways, yeah. I'll miss Kara, and my mom. But it's not like it's _far,_ I'll still see them all the time. And I kind of can't wait until it's just you and me, you know?”

Maggie looks at Alex for a long moment, trying to read the small smile on her face. Has she really missed Maggie as much as she's missed Alex? It seems impossible, unless...

“We should start looking for a place,” Maggie suggests. “Maybe take a weekend trip to the city? After prom?”

“That sounds amazing,” Alex says. “I told Kara, by the way — about us going to prom together.”

“Oh yeah?” Maggie asks, suddenly a little nervous. “What'd she say?”

“That we can share her limo if we want — I said yes, I hope that's okay with you. I just figured it'd be like the authentic prom experience, and she said they're going to have sparkling cider, and —”

“Danvers, slow down,” Maggie says, putting a hand on Alex's arm. Alex looks relieved that she's been stopped, and Maggie laughs. “I'd love to have the 'authentic prom experience' with you.”

Alex smiles, letting silence wash over them for a minute or two before she looks over at Maggie at a red light.

“I've really missed you,” Alex says. “You kind of disappeared on me there for a while.”

“I know, I—” Maggie starts, then stops. “I'm sorry.” She doesn't know what she should say — Alex surely must've noticed that Maggie's pulling away coincided with her dating Tommy, though she's not sure if she knows why.

“I'm sorry too,” Alex surprises her by saying. She shakes her head, grip tight on the steering wheel. “It wasn't all you. I was... things were weird. But that's okay,” she says, looking up with a smile. “I'll never let a guy come between us again. From here on out it's you and me.”

Maggie swallows. “You mean it?” she says, voice more vulnerable that she would like. But she's not sure what Alex is saying here, and she's too scared to ask.

“I promise,” she says, hand finding Maggie's where it rests in her lap.

//

Renee's Dresses is smaller than Maggie was picturing, and a lot less elegant. It's in the middle of a strip mall, for one, and it only has two rooms — one stuffed with aisles of dresses, and one for changing stalls.

“Good afternoon, ladies,” a woman with a wide, toothy smile says, approaching them where they've stopped in the doorway. “My name is Jeanette, I'll be your dress specialist today. I'm assuming you're here for prom?”

“Nothing like the last minute,” Maggie quips. The woman's laugh is a little too fake for her, and she's happy when Alex takes over the conversation.

“I came here for mine about a month ago, but Maggie here still needs one,” Alex says.

“Well, Maggie,” Jeannette says, sizing her up. “You're a little late — we won't be able to get it fitted, but you're a little thing, I'm sure we'll be able to find something that works.”

Maggie fights a frown — a little thing? — and forces a smile onto her face. “Great,” she says, voice ringing with a false cheer that has Alex smirking as Jeannette turns, leading them into the store.

“So, did you have anything in mind?” she asks.

“Uh — blue, maybe?” Maggie says.

“Size?”

“Two, I think,” she says.

“I'll grab a few I think you'll like and bring them into that room there,” she says, pointing to the changing rooms. “You can try them on until we find the perfect one. And of course you'll need to coordinate with your date, so try to have him come in sometime in the next few days. We have a nice little selection of vests, ties, and cummerbunds.”

Maggie isn't sure what to say, but luckily she doesn't have to say anything, because Alex speaks up. “Actually, we're going together.”

Jeanette pauses for a second. “Oh,” she says, raising her eyebrows. “Well, that's nice.” She the disappears into the aisles of dresses, and Alex turns to Maggie.

“Wow,” she mouths at her, and Maggie can't help but let out a small laugh.

When Jeannette returns, it's with an armful of dresses in deep blue, and she ushers them into the next room.

The woman tuts as she lays out the dresses in front of them. “Well, you two have the right idea,” she says. “I wish I had ditched the boys and just gone to prom with my friends. Would've saved me a _lot_ of drama.”

She pulls open one of the curtains and hands Maggie a dress as she walks inside.

“Try this on and then come out and let us see,” she says, still wearing the fake smile.

Maggie doesn't bother to fold her clothes, instead tossing them on the bench. She hangs the dress in front of her — it looks impossibly small. Turns out, it is.

“This one doesn't fit,” Maggie calls through the curtain as she shimmies it off her body. She pulls the curtain open just enough to peek through to hand it back to Alex, who has another dress in her hands ready to go.

“I like this one,” she says as she gives it to her. Maggie really wants it to work, but it looks frumpy for a reason she can't quite pinpoint.

She opens the curtain wide. Alex doesn't frown, but Maggie can read her well enough to know that she doesn't like the dress, and Maggie doesn't blame her.

“That looks nice,” Alex says anyway.

“Don't lie to me Danvers — there's nothing nice about this,” Maggie says, gesturing to the awkward gathering of fabric around her chest that's underscored by the way-too-tight area under her ribs.

They go few a few more like this until Maggie finally finds one that she somewhat likes. It's nice enough, but there's obviously too much material bunching around her middle. A lower size might be snug, but she likes the color, so she decides it's worth a shot.

“Could I get this one a size down, maybe?” Maggie asks, poking her head out of the curtain. Jeannette takes the hanger for her.

“Try this one on in the meantime,” she says, handing her a navy dress with a slit down the side.

It's silky, and Maggie runs her hands up and down it a few times as soon as she slides it over her head. It's sleeveless and hangs at just the right length below her knee and Maggie's never really liked the way she looks in dresses but even she can't deny that this one just looks _right_.

So she's a little too excited when she goes to zip up the back, accidentally catching the zipper on the fabric.

“ _Shit_ ,” she whispers under her breath, because of course it's stuck right in the small of her back where she can barely reach to begin with. “Uh, Alex?”

“Yeah?” Alex's voice answers back, right outside the curtain.

“I'm a little stuck, could you help me?”

She can see Alex in the mirror as she slowly opens the curtain, stepping inside and closing it behind her before turning around. She freezes when she sees Maggie standing there.

Her eyes move slowly up her, starting on Maggie's back, barely covered by the few inches Maggie managed to zip up before she got herself in this predicament. Maggie feels her mouth run dry as Alex takes a step forward, and Maggie can see that her eyes are now on the mirror, taking in the sight of Maggie in the dress.

“Wow,” she says, gaze stuck on Maggie's collarbones before she forces it upwards to her eyes. “You look amazing.”

She smiles, and Maggie breathes out a laugh, feeling the tension leave her body for a second — until Alex closes the distance between them and her fingers trail down her back above where the zipper is stuck. She finds where the dress is catching, and she slips her hand inside the dress to tug the fabric free of the metal before zipping it up the rest of the way.

“Ladies?” the saleswoman's voice calls, and Alex is suddenly no longer touching Maggie, and she hears the curtain being thrown open behind her. She lets out a breath she didn't realize she was holding before turning to face Jeanette.

“Just helping with a stuck zipper,” Alex says.

Jeanette's mouth is set in a firm line. “We typically don't allow more than one person in a changing room at the same time,” she says, tone short. The fake smile returns with force. “You understand.”

Alex is quick to nod. The blush remains on Maggie's face, but she's not sure why — it's not like they did anything wrong.

“I don't think we're going to need that,” Maggie says, looking at the dress Jeanette as in her hands. “This is the one.”

“Oh, excellent!” Jeanette says. “Would you like to see matching shoes?”

Maggie looks down at her bare feet. She knows she has a pair of silver heels from her sweet sixteen, and she's not about to spend an extra hundred dollars on top of an already ridiculously overpriced dress.

“No thanks,” she says.

“In that case, why don't you change back into your clothes and I'll meet you up at the register,” she says. When she turns to leave, she hesitates in the doorway, looking back at Alex.

Alex looks back for a moment before her face lights up with the realization that the woman wants her to follow. She does, but stops to take one last look at Maggie, and something in her eyes makes Maggie shiver.

//

Its ten to one when she gets home — seven hours after she and Alex had stopped for food on their way home, her stomach reminds her with a groan.

Her dad catches her in the kitchen.

“What are you doing up?” he asks, making her jump.

“Jesus, you scared me,” she says, flattening a hand across her chest. He doesn't look amused, so she shakes it off. “Uh — couldn't sleep. Wanted a glass of warm milk.”

He looks her up and down. “You should try changing into your pajamas.”

She blinks, chancing a glance down at her clothes — she's still wearing the same jeans and hoodie she wore out with Alex, earlier. “Good idea.” She pulls the milk out of the fridge and hopes that he'll take that as the end of the conversation, but he hovers in the doorway.

“Your aunt and cousins are coming next week for your graduation,” he informs her. She holds back a groan — she's only seen them a handful of times over the past decade, but each has been more awkward than the last. “You'll need to share your room.”

“Fine,” she says as she closes the door to the microwave a little too loudly.

He frowns, but doesn't comment. “Prom must be coming up. You going?”

Maggie hesitates — she doesn't want to get caught in a lie. “Yeah, actually. I just bought a dress today.”

His eyebrows raise. “Do you have a date?”

“Uh — this guy from school,” she supplies “Winn.”

“I'm sure you'll look beautiful,” he says, smile warm in a way that makes Maggie feel sick.

The microwave beeps. “I'm going to go to bed,” she says. He puts his hand on her shoulder as she moves past him, and she almost spills her glass.

“Goodnight, Maggie,” he says. She worries for a second that he might pull her in for a hug, but he lets her go after a moment and she forces a small smile before she moves around him. She lets out a long breath when she gets into her bedroom, trying to shake the queasy feeling in her stomach from lying to her father.

It dissolves completely when she spots her dress draped over her desk chair and she can't help but smile.

//

Maggie meets Alex at her locker Monday morning.

Alex notices her as soon as she approaches, face lighting up with a smile. “Maggie, hey!” she calls out, clearly happy to see her.

“Morning, Danvers,” she says as she walks up. “You're awfully chipper for only getting like four hours of sleep.”

Alex shrugs. “I had good dreams.” This makes Maggie smile, and she swears she almost can see a blush tinting her friend's cheeks as she turns to face her locker. “What time did you get home?” Alex asks, changing the subject.

Maggie has snuck over to Alex's every night that weekend, leaving in the early morning hours after Alex falls asleep. She waits until Alex's breathing is deep and even to slip out the window, somehow managing to untangle herself from Alex's embrace without waking her.

“I didn't check,” Maggie says, though she knows it was after two in the morning — closer to three, actually. She's lucky her father didn't notice her absence, but he hadn't said anything to her that morning, just said goodbye to her as he passed her in the kitchen on his way out the door.

“So, Winn apologized to Kara — and I don't know what he said, but it worked. She's been glowing all day,” Alex says.

“That's good — I hated seeing her that sad.”

“Yeah, crushes suck,” Alex says, shaking her head.

Maggie wonders about the people Alex has had crushes on, if any of them have been friendship ending like Winn's almost was. There's a hint of sadness in Alex's voice that makes Maggie think she might be on the right track, but apparently she's gotten too lost in her thoughts and is taking too long to respond, because Alex changes the subject.

“Can you believe Erdman is giving us a quiz during our last week? Like isn't a final enough?”

Maggie groans — she had completely forgotten. She tells Alex as much.

“Well, we can study during lunch if you want,” Alex offers. “I have the chapter outlines.”

“Why are you the best?” Maggie asks.

“I have ulterior motives,” Alex says, waggling her eyebrows. “Walk me to class?”

“I'll even carry your books, Danvers.”

//

When lunch time rolls around, Maggie takes quick strides to the cafeteria, excited to have a few minutes off to hang with her friends. It's the last week of school, after all, and while she might not be going far for school, her friends are.

Winn is heading to California mid-summer, and James says he doesn't know when he'll leave for Metropolis — he has a few friends there he wants to visit before classes start. And Kara will of course be stuck here, in Midvale, while Maggie and Alex move into a place in National City. She's made her jealousy plenty clear there, but Alex has assured her that she can visit any and every weekend, and that doesn't sound so bad to Maggie. Little Danvers is like a ray of sunshine.

She arrives at the cafeteria earlier than usual, and finds Alex sitting alone at their table, thumbing through a notebook.

“Cramming for that quiz, Danvers?” she asks as she takes a seat next to her.

“No I — I uh, actually made a little study sheet for you,” Alex says, offering her a small smile as she slides it across the table. “This way you don't have to go through all the outlines.”

Maggie doesn't know what to say — people don't really do nice things for her like that. “Thank you,” is all that she manages, and hopes her smile makes up for it.

They look at each other for a long moment, holding each other's gazes until Kara slides onto the bench next to Alex. She ducks her head and speaking quietly even though Alex and Maggie are the only ones there. “I was thinking,” she says, chewing at her lip. “Since you guys are coming in the limo, maybe we could invite Winn too? I really wanted him to come but I didn't want him to feel like a third wheel, but now that it's like a friend-group thing I don't want him to feel left out, and—”

“Kara,” Alex says, holding up her hand. “Of course Winn can come.”

Maggie's heart drops a little, but Kara breaks out into a smile that Alex returns.

_It doesn't have to mean anything,_ she thinks. _She just wants to make her sister happy._

And it does. Kara is in a noticeably good mood all throughout lunch, especially when Winn walks uncertainly over to their table a few minutes into the break. James scoots over to make room for him on at the table, and Maggie wonders how he can be so _good_. She was so jealous of Tommy. But then again, it's different for James. He and Winn are at least friendly, and he knows Kara likes him too.

She's jarred out of her thoughts by a hand slipping into hers, giving it a light squeeze. When she looks up, Alex's eyes are on her, concerned. Maggie looks down at their interlaced fingers, and when she her gaze returns to Alex the small smile on her face is genuine.

But Alex isn't entirely convinced. “You okay?” she asks, just loud enough for only Maggie to hear.

Maggie squeezes back as she nods.

//

Maggie's parents leave on a Tuesday for an out of state conference — they'll be back Saturday afternoon, just in time for graduation.

So of course as soon as they're out the door after dinner, Maggie is on her bike and on her way to Alex.

She's managed to keep the fact that she'd be a free woman during the last week of school a secret from Alex — she denies it, but Alex loves surprises.

She's turning onto Alex's road when her phone buzzes in her pocket. She slows so that she can pull it out, smiling when she sees who it's from.

_Think you can get out tonight? I miss you._

A second text immediately follows.

_I can't wait until we live together and don't have to do this sneaking around shit._

Maggie peddles, keeping herself steady with her left hand as she types out a message with her right. She's just about to the Danvers' house now, so she waits until she's right in front before she presses send on the text, which reads: _Look outside your window._

But not three seconds after her thumb hits the button, she feels her wheel colliding with the curb and the next thing she knows she's going over the handlebars, and has just enough time to throw her hands out to break her fall before she lands on the sidewalk.

“Maggie!” she hears someone — presumably Alex, who _of course_ had looked outside just in time to see that spectacular fail — yell, voice panicked.

She groans, the wind knocked out of her for a moment as she lays crumpled on the ground.

“Are you okay?”

Maggie lifts her head just in time to see Alex crouching over her.

“Did you just jump out your window?” she asks groggily, knowing that she must have — there's no other way she could have reached Maggie that fast.

Alex's hands are running up her arms, checking her whole body over.

“Did you hit your head?” she asks, voice full of concern as she runs her fingers gently over Maggie's scalp.

Maggie blinks, dazed — Alex is silhouetted by the sun, and she wonders for a second if maybe she _should_ start wearing a helmet when she finds herself distracted for a few moments by how much the girl looks like an angel right now. But as the seconds tick by, Alex begins to look more worried, and Maggie breaks herself out of her stupor, sitting up and waving a hand. “I'm fine, just a little spill.”

Alex catches her by the wrist. “Maggie. You're bleeding.”

Maggie looks sheepishly at her hand, where a large scrape across her palm is indeed beginning to drip with blood. “Well, don't text and drive kids.”

Alex frowns, face disapproving as she shakes her head. “Come on — let's get you cleaned up.”

Maggie takes Alex's hand when she reaches forward to pull her up and starts to walk towards the window, but Alex just rolls her eyes and leads her by the wrist to the front door.

Eliza is standing in the kitchen, on the phone, though she offers Maggie a wave as they walk by. Maggie uses her hand that isn't trapped by Alex's grip to wave back, though Alex doesn't even pause as she pulls Maggie into the bathroom.

Alex lets go of Maggie's wrist once the door is shut behind them, heading straight for the cabinet under the sink where she finds a first aid kit. When she turns back around and finds Maggie just standing near the door, she huffs. “Well, come on,” she says, nodding her head towards the counter. “Hop up.”

“Really, Danvers?” But the look in Alex's eye says she's not messing around, so Maggie does as she says and hoists herself onto the countertop. She can't help herself though, rolling her eyes and grumbling a “yes ma'am” as she does so.

Any semblance of fake annoyance she could muster disappears as Alex nudges her way between Maggie's legs, taking her hand softly in her own. She turns it over, stopping when she sees the palm — a bit of gravel is still embedded in her skin. Alex bites the inside of her cheek, and Maggie knows she's fighting a frown.

“Sorry,” she musters, head down. She was an idiot, and now Alex is mad. “You don't have to —”

Alex shushes her, shaking her head. “I gotta disinfect this. It might sting, okay?”

Maggie nods silently. That is until Alex pours a bit of hydrogen peroxide onto the scrape and she draws in a sharp hiss between her teeth.

“Sorry,” Alex repeats with a grimace. She smears some sort of cream across her hand, and Maggie holds her breath as Alex's fingers skirt lightly over the stinging skin of her palm.

“I'm the one who should be sorry,” Maggie says quietly, head down.

Alex frowns as she wraps a bandage across her hand. “What do you mean?”

“I was... I don't know, reckless? Isn't that why you're mad?”

Alex looks up sharply. “I'm not _mad_ , Maggie. I thought... I don't know, that you broke a bone or hit your head — you should really wear a helmet by the way,” she says, laughing a little before stepping closer, pulling Maggie's hand into her chest. “You scared me.”

She's not sure she prefers that to making Alex angry. “I'm sorry,” Maggie says again, earning another laugh from Alex.

“It's fine,” she says, lifting Maggie's injured hand to check her work. She inspects it for a moment before raising it to her mouth, pressing a gentle kiss against the back of Maggie's knuckles. “Just don't do it again, okay?”

“I won't,” Maggie says, staring at the spot where Alex's lips just touched her skin. When she glances back up, Alex is giving her a skeptical look. “I promise,” she insists.

Alex sighs. “Good. Come on — we only have time for a few episodes before you should go home. I'm way too excited for prom for you to get grounded again.”

“About that,” Maggie says, a smile taking over her face. “My parents are out of town until graduation.”

Alex breaks out into a grin. “Really?” she asks. “I can keep you?”

Maggie feels like she's glowing. “I'm all yours.”

//

They stay up until midnight, when Alex starts to yawn and Maggie insists she's tired enough to go to sleep, much to Alex's relief. She's not, not really, but she wouldn't mind some time to herself. She needs to think.

Her thoughts have been racing the entire evening, and she thinks they might keep her up all night — until Alex falls asleep, that is, and Maggie starts to listen to the steady in and out of her breathing. Her mind begins to quiet, breaths matching Alex's. A few minutes later Alex turns, her leg sliding between Maggie's as her arm slings over her stomach, hand coming to rest against Maggie's hip. Maggie leans her head down to rest against Alex's and is out in minutes.

She wakes sometime in the early morning to Alex jolting next to her. She feels Alex's hand, still pressed against her stomach, curl into a fist, bunching some of her t-shirt as Alex tugs Maggie into her. She opens her eyes to find Alex's on her face.

“What time is it?” she mumbles, because it's all she can think — it's dark, but it feels like morning.

“I think like three,” Alex says, voice a whisper. “Sorry for waking you up.”

Maggie realizes that Alex's arms are still wrapped around her, that this is probably the most intimate situation they've ever been in where they've both been awake — though Alex doesn't seem uncomfortable.

“It's okay — is something wrong?” she asks.

Alex worries at her lip for a second before responding. “No, I just... I always wake up this time of night.”

Maggie frowns. She's never noticed Alex waking up like that before, like she was having a nightmare. She usually sleeps so peacefully, at least for the part of the night Maggie spends with her. Suddenly, she realizes that might have something to do with it.

“Do I wake you up when I leave?”

“Not exactly,” Alex answers. She nestles her head back into Maggie's shoulder. “I think it's being alone. This is usually around the time when I wake up and realize you're gone.” She's silent for a moment, then — “I'm glad you're here.”

Maggie feels all the breath leave her lungs when Alex leans down almost imperceptibly and presses a kiss against her shoulder where her t-shirt has ridden up on her arm. “Me too.” Maggie feels Alex smile against her skin; she takes a deep breath as she nuzzles her nose into the top of Alex's head.

//

School is a practically a joke in the last week. Most of the teachers are aware that the seniors are too excited to focus, and aside from the classes that have state exams after school is over, most finals are over. Maggie's stuck watching movies and doing group worksheets in the majority of her classes, though she's not complaining — Wednesday flies by at record speeds.

Alex walks her to her locker after their final class, clearly caught up in the excited energy of the school if the grin on her face is any indication. Maggie grabs her books and links her arm in Alex's as they begin their walk to the parking lot.

“So do you want to go straight to mine?” she asks as they approach the car.

Maggie smirks. “So now you're just assuming we're hanging out, Danvers?”

Alex laughs, though she does send a quick glance Maggie's way to make sure she's kidding. “Please, like you don't love me.”

Maggie's step falters, and she's happy they parted ways a few seconds ago to get in their separate sides of Alex's car.

“Actually, I was thinking,” she says after she closes the door behind her. “My parents are out of town, I have this big, empty house all to myself...”

Alex lights up. “No parental supervision,” she says, turning the key in the ignition, and Maggie swallows.

“Exactly.”

They swing by Alex's house to pick up some clothes for school tomorrow before heading to Maggie's, the journey much shorter by car than by bike in the middle of the night.

“Wow,” Alex says under her breath when they enter the house. Maggie remembers that the last time she was here, they hadn't really had time for a tour. She was a little too busy worrying about her father coming home, so she'd lead Alex straight to her bedroom and closed the door.

“Yeah,” Maggie says, looking around. “Having a doctor for a dad isn't so bad sometimes.”

Alex nods, eyes wide as she takes in the large television mounted on the living room wall. “You can say that again.”

Maggie leads her into the kitchen first, enjoying the way Alex looks in awe at the kitchen.

“You don't even cook, Danvers,” she points out, but Alex just shakes her head.

“It's the aesthetic,” she insists.

Maggie puts a bag of popcorn in the microwave, showing Alex the rest of the first floor while it pops. She grabs it before ending the tour in the living room.

“Make yourself at home,” she tells Alex, who doesn't need any further encouragement before dropping onto the couch.

“Good news,” Alex says as she arranges the pillows behind her. “Kara dating James has its perks — I got his Netflix login. All seasons of Criminal Minds, no commercials, and no shitty standard definition for this beautiful screen.”

Maggie snorts. “You're such a snob.”

Alex shrugs. “A girl's got to have standards.”

It's a scary episode, one of the ones that has Alex sitting on the edge of the couch the entire forty minutes, and has both of them grabbing from the bowl between them every few seconds to keep them occupied. The popcorn is gone by the end of the first episode, and they keep watching until in between the third and fourth when Alex's stomach growls loudly.

Maggie grins. “Hungry?” she teases, laughing when Alex's cheeks tinge pink.

“Maybe a little,” she says. “Want to order pizza?”

Maggie shakes her head. “I've got a better idea.” They're still on the opening credits, so Maggie reaches forward and presses pause before standing up and nodding towards the kitchen. “Grilled cheese and tomato soup? The stuff from the can, nothing fancy.”

Alex laughs. “As long as you're cooking. I tried to make one a few weeks ago and set off the smoke alarm.”

“Well then by your standards, this should be a gourmet meal.”

Alex settles at the island counter while Maggie grabs a pan and pot to put on the stovetop. She tasks Alex with opening the can of soup while she prepares the grilled cheeses, pulling out a few slices of bread and slathering them with mayo. She practically rejoices when she sees that her mom bought the thin sliced cheddar — it's the best cheese to grill, after all.

She's pours the soup in the pot and puts the sandwiches on the griddle, smiling when she hears Alex starting up a playlist on her phone.

“Where do you find this stuff?” she asks. It's not the music you hear on the radio, and it has a uniquely Alex sort of feeling to it. Maggie always lets Alex choose the music whenever they're in the car, or in Alex's room. It's kind of part of the experience of _being_ with Alex. She'd started to learn the songs after a few months, though she hasn't had much exposure to Alex's taste in music as of late due to the Tommy complication.

“I used to look on blogs and stuff a lot to find new artists, new albums. It was a lot of effort, though, and now Spotify kind of does it all for me.” She hears Alex sigh. “I do miss it sometimes, though. It made the music feel more special, somehow. Like it was mine.”

Maggie bites back a smile — it's such an Alex answer, leaving her unsure of whether to think the girl is a gigantic dork or incredibly cool. Alex Danvers is a little bit of a paradox, in Maggie's opinion.

She's just flipped the sandwiches for the first time when arms snake their way around her waist and all of a sudden Alex is hugging her from behind, chin tucked over her shoulder so she can see their dinner. Maggie freezes as Alex presses her weight into her — it doesn't last long. Her entire body begins to burn when Alex closes her eyes and lets out a low groan at the smell of the food.

“How did you get so good at this?” Alex asks, voice near her ear, and Maggie yells at herself to just _play it cool, damnit._

“Uh — my aunt taught me,” she says, not terribly pleased with the way her voice comes out, breathy and choked.

“Think you could teach me?”

Maggie takes the opportunity to pull away from Alex, as much as her body is screaming at her not to, but she needs to be able to at least hold a conversation.

“I don't know, Danvers. You _did_ just tell me you managed to scorch probably the easiest meal on the planet.”

“Exactly, that's why I need you to teach me. You don't want to be living with someone who can't cook, do you? How am I going to make you dinner when you come home from a long day at the office?”

Maggie laughs, shaking her head. “You make a good point. Okay, so the secret ingredient to the Sawyer grilled cheese is actually applied to the outside of the sandwich: the mayo. See these crispy brown edges?” she points to sandwiches, golden side up on the griddle, still sizzling on the bottom. “It's like a hundred times better than doing it with butter.”

“That sounds disgusting.”

“But it tastes delicious,” Maggie counters, and Alex concedes by shrugging.

She explains how she crafts the sandwich together, exaggerating a few words with a French accent to make Alex giggle. By the time she's finished, the soup is bubbling and the bread is perfectly toasted on both sides, and it's time to eat.

They return to the living room, careful not to spill their mugs of soup as they sit on the floor, side by side. Maggie tries not to blush when Alex tells her its the best grilled cheese she's ever had — even better than the ones Maggie had made at the Danvers' house many times before.

_It's all in the cheese,_ she thinks about saying, but before she can, Alex beats her to speaking.

“You really know how to treat a girl,” she says, nudging Maggie in the shoulder, and all other thoughts disappear from her head, suddenly all focused on just one thing.

_Has Alex been flirting with me?_

//

They decide to all go to James' house Thursday night to celebrate the last day of school the following day. The weekend is going to be packed — prom, graduation, then parties — so this is their last real opportunity to hang out together as high schoolers.

Maggie is watching Kara and Alex through he doorway of the kitchen while she sips at the soda she'd come in here to get. She knows she should probably go join her friends, but there's something about this moment, this happiness, that she wants to preserve a little of forever.

Kara whispers something in Alex's ear that has the two of them both keeling over in laughter. It's infectious, and Maggie finds herself staring with a soft smile watching the two of them for a few seconds until Winn comes and stands next to her.

“They're so cute, sometimes,” Winn says wearing a small smile of his own.

“Yeah,” Maggie breathes out in a sigh. “How you doing with that, by the way?”

He shrugs. “Things are back to normal, which is good. And it somehow isn't killing me seeing them together. It might have something to do with the fact that James is devastatingly handsome, incredibly charming and Kara... she seems really happy with him, so,” he shrugs. “It all worked out. How about you? Hopefully your Danvers sister crush is going better than mine.”

Maggie looks at him, narrowing her eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Please, Maggie. I see the way you two act around each other.”

“That's not — we're just —” she stops speaking when Winn begins to laugh at her. “Fine. I guess... I like her. But it's hopeless, anyway.”

Winn frowns. “Come on. You're a catch, and we both know she looks at you like you put the stars in the sky.”

“She does?” Maggie asks, considering it for a moment before she shakes her head. “I think that's just the way she — she looks at Kara the same way.”

“And Alex loves Kara more than anyone in the entire universe.”

“Unless you're trying to convince me that Alex is secretly in love with Kara, I don't know what you're getting at here.”

Winn sighs. “All I'm trying to say is it's obvious she cares a lot for you. You should just be honest with her. Keeping that stuff hidden hurts both parties. And besides, worse case scenario is you get your heart crushed, and I'm a living testament to the fact that that's surviveable. I'd even say, in my case, it was for the best.”

He he looks over to where James has now joined Kara and Alex, his arm around Kara's waist.

Maggie's still uncertain. Their situations are pretty different, after all — most obviously in that Winn at least had the comfort of knowing Kara was attracted to people of his gender. “You really mean that? Because I'm scared it'll ruin everything. What if I freak her out?”

“Kara isn't like that, so neither is Alex,” Winn says with a frown. “Their aunt is gay and I'm pretty sure the whole family is fine with it — she's still invited to holidays.”

“I guess you're right,” Maggie sighs. It's not like Alex had ever said anything to cause this concern, but in such a small town in the middle of nowhere, it's always at the back of her mind. Then again, there has been a more pressing thought on the forefront. “She's been acting really weird, lately, actually. Almost... flirty?”

Winn grins. “I'm telling you, we can all see it. Alex is never as happy as she is around you.”

“Don't get my hopes up, Winn,” Maggie says jokingly, but she's somewhat serious. She's been barely able to entertain the thought that Alex might like her back. Hearing that it's obvious to everyone around them isn't helping her keep a firm grasp on the situation.

“Well... even if she turns you down, it's better than just stewing in it.” He nods towards the other side of the room. “I used to feel sick looking at them, knowing I'd missed 'my chance.' Now that I've told Kara how I feel, it's a lot easier to just be happy for her.”

Maggie swallows, remembering the feeling that had taken over her life as soon as she saw Alex and Tommy together. It had lasted the entire two months, no matter how much distance she put between her and Alex. She never wants to feel that way again.

Winn seems to sense her hesitancy, placing a hand on her shoulder to get her attention. “I'm not saying you should do anything you're not comfortable with. Take things at your own speed. I just don't want to see my friend hurting.”

Maggie offers him a small smile. “Thanks, Winn.” She looks back at Alex, who happens to be looking right back at her. Her gaze doesn't falter once it finds Maggie, and she even smiles. It makes Maggie's heart flutter.

“She's totally making heart eyes at you right now, dude,” Winn attempts to be subtle by whispering.

Suddenly, James stands.

“Cranium, anyone?”

This is met with mixed reactions — an excited exclaim from Kara, a groan from Winn and relative indifference from Alex, though she does nod once she sees how excited Kara seems at the idea.

“I've never played,” Maggie admits.

“What?!” Kara's head whips around. “You've got to be on my team! It'll be so fun!”

It works out because only teams that seem evenly matched are Maggie and Kara against Alex, James and Winn. Otherwise, whoever got Kara on their team would have an unfair advantage, since each of them had a strong connection with her.

Maggie's supposed to be listening to Kara hum some song, but it's hard, so hard, because Alex is competing against her and she's never heard Alex sing before but god does she want to now.

“Oh! Oh! Imagine by John Lennon,” Winn cries out and Kara groans.

“Sorry,” Maggie says, blushing a little. Winn and Alex exchange high fives.

“No worries. We'll get them next time,” Kara says with a confident nod. “Okay, so now we get another card.”

Kara is the self proclaimed Queen of Cranium, and Maggie watches as she earns her title for the next hour or so, somehow guessing the correct answer from every blob of clay Maggie 'sculpts' or tuneless song she 'sings.'

The only things that really seem to stump Kara are the world puzzles, particularly the spelling ones, and Maggie is more than happy to at least be able to contribute a little to her teammate in that regard. She had won her county and state spelling bee contests when she was ten, earning her a trip to the nation's capital only to be brutally defeated in the first round. She'll probably never tell her friends any of that, but still, she was the best speller in Nebraska (in her age bracket, at least) — that's got to count for something, right?

The game comes down to the wire, and Maggie and Kara just barely pull off a win when the threesome miss a hard trivia question. Alex assigns them a spelling card for their last question, thinking she can stump Kara, but it's Maggie's time to shine.

“Yes!” Kara shouts, jumping up from her seat on the couch. She turns to Maggie, who barely has time to throw up her hand before Kara's high-fiving her at full force.

“Beginners luck,” Alex says, but she can't fight a smile at seeing her sister so excited. “So, another game? Switch up the teams?”

Her eyes are on Maggie, and she finds herself nodding, but then Winn cuts in. “I actually have to get going. My mom wants me home by eleven.”

Alex looks like she's about to protest, but then Kara is agreeing. “Actually, I _am_ getting pretty tired, and tomorrow is a big day. I have so much to do before school even starts tomorrow.”

It's a sobering thought, as all of them realize that tomorrow is their last day as Midvale High School students — except for Kara, but she doesn't seem to be thrilled with the fact that all of her friends are graduating, either, so she's got plenty to be sad about as well. She does herself to keep a brave face, to try to be excited at all the opportunities her loved ones will soon have, but Maggie can see that she's not happy.

Kara is giving Winn and James extra long hugs before leaving when Alex comes up next to Maggie.

“So...” she says, voice trailing off. “I'd suggest another sleepover, but I have to drive Kara home.” She shifts her weight, hands fidgeting in front of her, and Maggie wonders if Alex is nervous. “Do you maybe want to come with?”

Maggie grins. “Of course, silly. Let me just grab my stuff for tomorrow?”

They meet back outside of James' house in five minutes, Maggie throwing a few things in a bag before locking up and leaving. She's not really concerned with her outfit for tomorrow — she, Alex and Kara are cutting out after fourth period to get their nails and hair done.

Alex is already in the car when Maggie gets outside, though Kara is still standing in the door, talking to James in a hushed whisper, their hands clasped between them.

“That was fast,” she says as Maggie sits down in the front seat. “Miss me too much?”

“A little full of yourself, Danvers?”

Alex bites her lip, a light blush on her cheeks. She opens her mouth to respond when Kara opens the door, entering the car with a loud groan.

“I don't want you all to leave,” she says, voice small as she pinches her brow between her fingers. Alex reaches a hand back and puts it on Kara's knee, giving it a squeeze.

“We'll only be an hour away,” she says. “I'll come pick you up whenever you want and you can stay at our place.”

_Our place._ Maggie can't suppress the smile on her face despite the fact that Kara is sniffing in the back seat.

“I'm glad you guys get to stay together, at least,” Kara says as Alex starts to back up.

When she's done pulling into the street, Alex chances a quick glance at Maggie. “Yeah, me too.”

//

Kara goes to bed as soon as they get home, hugging them both tightly before leaving for her room. Maggie follows Alex down the hall to her room.

When the door shuts behind them, Alex immediately turns to face Maggie. “Can you just... hug me for a second?”

Maggie pauses, looking up at Alex. She looks timid, her eyes cast to the side as she holds her hands in front of her, and Maggie is quick to walk over to her and pull her close. She feels Alex sigh against her. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing, I just... I hate seeing Kara upset. And I hate that I'm so happy and excited while she's miserable.”

“That's not your fault,” she says, rubbing Alex's arms, trying not to be too delighted that Alex is _so happy and excited_ to live with her. “And I know it feels shitty, but she'll be okay. Kara is a popular kid. She'll have new friends in no time.”

“Yeah, I know, but it doesn't make it feel any less shitty now.”

Maggie nods. “I know.” She pulls back to look at Alex, heart squeezing in her chest when she sees tears collecting in her eyes. “You know what will, though?” Alex shakes her head, so Maggie nods towards the bed. “Snuggling up with me and watching an episode before bed.”

Alex regards her for a moment before a slow grin makes its way onto her face.

They're a few minutes into the episode when Maggie realizes that Alex isn't really watching.

“Something on your mind?”

Alex blinks, turning sharply at the sound of Maggie's voice. “Huh? Oh, no, I — I'm sorry. Do you want to rewind?”

“No, but — are you okay? Still thinking about Kara?”

“No, actually. I mean sort of — more of what she said, in the car.” Alex hits the pause button before looking at Maggie. “I was thinking about us.”

Maggie swallows. “Oh, okay. Uh, what about?”

Her mind answers the question a million ways over while she watches Alex bite her lip, clearly nervous about what she's about to say.

_You've been too obvious — asking her to snuggle, why would you do that?_ is her first thought, but then she immediately goes back to her realization the night before, the one that occurs to her every time Alex gives her that one look with the wide eyes and slight smile. _Could she like me too?_

Alex let's out a long breath, making Maggie realize she's been holding hers as well. “Sometimes I just think about what a huge place this world is, and how lucky I am that we met.”

Alex pauses, and it makes Maggie's heart race because she needs something more to go on than _that_ if she's going to express any of the thoughts racing through her mind. Luckily, Alex continues, but not before taking another deep breath and intwining her fingers with Maggie's.

“It's just — so many things had to go right for us to meet. Who knows if we would have ever talked if Kara hadn't needed snacks that night during winter break. Or what if your dad had never gotten this job offer? You could still be in Nebraska, and I'd be here.”

Maggie breathes out a laugh, because Alex is right — if someone had told her all those months ago that her dad finding her diary and nearly kicking her out of her house would lead to her being happier than pretty much ever before, she would have laughed (or maybe punched them). And now here she is, with not only Alex but a whole group of friends that actually like Maggie, too. Not that Alex isn't enough on her own — no, Alex is everything.

Even if things aren't perfect, they're a hell of a lot better than they were before.

So she squeezes Alex's hand, and leans over to place her own kiss on Alex's shoulder. “I think we'd have found each other, anyway.”

Alex blinks for a moment before she beams. “Really? You think so?” She sounds sort of breathless, and Maggie finds herself glancing down at Alex's lips, only a few inches from her own.

“Of course,” she says when she manages to tear her gaze back upwards, where Alex is still looking at her, smile now smaller but still just as bright. Maggie wonders if she's imagining things when she sees Alex's eyes fall almost imperceptibly to Maggie's mouth, where her lip is now tucked between her teeth.

Alex moves suddenly and Maggie thinks her heart might jump out of her chest, but then she's leaning down, not up and towards Maggie's face, which feels like its on fire. Her lips quickly drop against Maggie's shoulder before she rests her cheek there.

Alex presses play, and Maggie spends the rest of the episode trying to regain control of her breathing.

//

Friday is Maggie's last day at Midvale High School, and even though she's only been here a few months, she definitely will miss it more than she had thought she would.

She finds herself getting nostalgic as she visits her locker for the last time. The janitors have set out large trash bins in the senior locker wings, and she finds herself pulling her forensics notes from her pile before she tosses her trash. There are a whole semester's worth of notes passed back and forth between her and Alex in the page margins of that particular spiral-bound notebook, and Maggie is feeling a little sentimental in her final hours as a high school student.

Maggie, Kara, and Alex leave school in the middle of the day, along with apparently at least half the other girls in the senior class and a few juniors too.

Kara calls shotgun, and her smile is somehow a thousand watts brighter than usual today, so Maggie doesn't fight her for it. Kara Danvers on any day is adorable. Kara Dancers on the day of prom is downright disgustingly cute. She practically bounces in her seat as Alex pulls away from the school. “This is going to be so fun.”

Alex smiles at her sisters enthusiastic tone. “I know that it sounds lame, but I'm actually pretty excited.”

“It's not lame, Alex. It's _prom_ ,” she says, as if that's somehow a contradiction. “What are you guys getting done? I was thinking an updo?”

Alex shrugs. “Something... curly, I guess.”

“I hadn't really thought about it, honestly,” Maggie answers. She knows next to nothing about hair. She was planning on letting the stylist decide.

Kara spins around in the front seat, narrowing her eyes as she looks at Maggie. “Hm. What's your dress like again?”

“It's blue, down to my knees, a slit up one of the legs,” Maggie says, trying to remember as many details as she can about the dress. She'd been a little distracted that day. “It's okay, I guess.”

Kara looks like she's about to protest, but Alex beats her to it. “It's beautiful,” she says, eyes quickly finding Maggie's in the rear view mirror before returning to the road.

Kara finds some pictures on her phone of possible hairstyles, and Maggie picks one that has her hair half down, half pulled back. Kara claps when she decides, and assures her that she's going to look just _gorgeous_.

The salon is completely packed, but efficient — they spend only a few minutes squished togther on an uncomfortably plush bench before each of their names is being called.

Maggie's never been to a salon like this — her mother used to cut her hair when they were closer, but since she's stopped Maggie's been buying her own haircuts. She's never much in the mood for spending $60 on her hair, so she usually opts for the cheaper option, usually somewhere in a strip mall. It doesn't matter because her hair is pretty much always in a ponytail anyway, right?

Alex's mom had booked each of them for a full prom package, including hair, makeup, and a manicure, and it's taking _forever._ The nails themselves eat up nearly an hour, between the soaking and the filing and the polishing. While they're drying they bring her over to the sinks to wash her hair.

“Excited for prom?” the guy asks her after applying the shampoo.

“Yeah, very,” is Maggie's answer with a forced smile. She's never a fan of the awkward small talk you have to make when doing this sort of thing.

“Your date should be excited too — you're going to be radiant by the time we're done with you today.”

She catches a glance at a clock as they lead her over to a chair in front of a mirror to style her hair, and she does a double take — how is it an hour after noon already?

Alex is already in the chair, her shorter hair apparently taking less time to wash. But she's seated several chairs away, with Kara and one other girl between them, so Maggie has to strain her ears to listen to whatever she and the woman curling her hair are talking about. But Alex's hairdresser is all business, not bothering with the small talk as she works on Alex's hair. It only takes about thirty seconds of her own stylist's ramblings for Maggie to be jealous.

“We're thinking up, right?” she asks, bending over so her face is next to Maggie's in the mirror as she plays with her hair. Maggie can smell her watermelon gum, which is almost as bad as being able to hear it right in her ear.

“Yeah, sure,” she says, just to get the woman to move.

“That'll be gorgeous,” she says. Her accent sounds like something out of a movie. “You going with a boyfriend?”

Maggie was hoping she could get through this with mostly grunts and nods, but she knows it would be rude not to answer a direct question. “No, uh — just a friend.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” she smiles as she pulls Maggie's hair back. “A _friend_ , huh? And tell me, what's your friend's name?”

Maggie can't stop her eyes from flitting over to where Alex sits a few rows down. “Alex.”

“Ooh,Maggie and Alex, how adorable.” Maggie's eyes go wide, but she doesn't say anything. She glances back at Alex quickly, mostly just to check that the other girl can't hear, nearly sighing with relief when she sees Alex's red headphones sticking out of her ears. “And is this Alex cute?”

“Yeah. Very.” The answer comes without thinking, her eyes still on Alex, watching as Alex's lips purse to the side as she scrolls through something on her phone. It's only when she goes to turn back to the mirror that she notices Kara, looking right at her, laughing and shaking her head.

_She must have heard the whole thing,_ Maggie thinks, ears turning pink. But Kara's laugh doesn't sound cruel, and she remember's Winn's words last night — _Kara's isn't like that —_ and she forces herself to calm down. If anything, she probably just thinks Maggie is joking around, right?

She wonders if her love for Alex is as obvious to everyone else as it was to Winn.

//

James offers to drive her to the Danvers', where the limo is picking them up to take them the few miles to the local catering hall. He texts her when he's outside, and it feels a little lonely walking down the stairs by herself to meet him.

She thinks about what could have been in an alternate reality where her house isn't empty half the time and where she actually wants to go with someone like Winn to prom.

Maybe her mother would have done her hair, gushing over what a cute couple her and her date would be. She'd want to take pictures on the stairs to hang on the wall in living room.

Her father would shake her date's hand and tell him to have her home by midnight.

And maybe she would be happy, going off and dancing the night away with someone who she wouldn't have to spend the whole time agonizing over whether or not it'd even be _possible_ for them to like her back.

But that couldn't happen now. Her parent's may still allow her to live under their roof, but they stopped being involved in her life the second her father found that journal. She feels like a ghost in her own home most days, but she knows it's better that way — better than all the awkward, forced interactions she and her mother have had, and certainly _much_ better than her father's anger constantly directer her way.

James almost makes up for it with his warm smile when she comes outside. He gets out of his car, shaking his head as he takes her in.

“You look gorgeous, Maggie.” He offers her a hug.

“You're not so bad yourself.” James is wearing a deep blue tuxedo, and Maggie can't wait to see what Kara must look like in her matching dress. She tries not to wonder about Alex's — that's some dangerous territory for her imagination. Alex wouldn't let her see her in it before prom, so all she knows is that it's red. “Kara's going to swoon.”

“She'd better.”

They ride mostly in silence, James turning the music up as soon as they hit the road. He bops his head along to the beat, and Maggie can't help but smile at the sight. _He's going to have fun tonight,_ she thinks.

She spends a lot of time thinking about how lucky she is to have Alex in her life, but she hasn't really thought about how much she enjoys everyone else that comes along with her. James doesn't know her well, but is always there with a helping hand and a warm smile. And somehow Winn has become one of the only people she can really talk to about her problems. And Kara is special, everyone who has ever met her can see that. She can make anyone smile, even on the worst of days.

“Thank you for driving me,” she says in between songs.

“Any time,” he says. “It's pretty cool having a friend next door. The woman who lived there before you was crazy. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but that old lady was a demon.”

Maggie nods. “I've heard a few horror stories.”

“Speaking of horror — we should do a movie night sometime soon. I'm sure Alex and Kara would love that.”

Maggie can picture it now: the four of them, curled up together on the couch. It'd almost be like a double date. She wants to ask if that's what he's thinking, if James _knows_ , but she bites her tongue. She can't let thoughts of who has noticed her obvious and hopeless crush on Alex preoccupy her tonight.

Tonight is about having fun with the most important person in her life. Tonight is about Alex, and making sure that she does everything she can to make this night as perfect as Alex has been picturing it.

If she just plays it cool, she can do this... right?

Her confidence wavers quickly, and is pretty much gone by the time they turn onto Alex's street. Maggie's not sure why she thought she could pull this off. She gets flustered every time Alex so much as touches her — how did she think she could make it through a night as her date to prom?

They pull into the Danvers' driveway and Maggie's heart feels like it might beat right out of her chest. James is saying something — something about college, she's pretty sure, but she can't seem to focus because Alex is standing in the middle of her yard taking photos with Kara and she can't help but notice that her friend looks absolutely breathtaking.

“We're two lucky kids,” James leans over to say. Maggie startles — she hadn't even realized he'd turned the car off yet.

“No kidding,” she says, voice filled with an awe that has James' chuckling before he opens his door. Alex's dress is red, bright red, and Maggie can't take her eyes off her as she gets out of the car.

Alex meets her halfway across the yard.

She smiles as Maggie gets near, and Maggie wonders if it's too late to turn back now, because there's no way she's making it through tonight without making an absolute fool of herself if Alex is going to be looking at her like _that_.

“Hey,” Alex greets her, voice soft and filled with something that Maggie can't quite recognize.

Her dress is simple, but gorgeous, shoulders on full display. Maggie can't help but quickly wet her lips before she tries to speak.

“Wow. You clean up nice,” is the coolest thing she can think of to say.

It works, because Alex ducks her head, hiding a blush. “Do I? I mean — yeah, I do. You do too.”

They both look at each other for a moment, neither saying anything. She watches as Alex's eyes trail from her hair to her shoulders to her chest to her legs, and Maggie swallows as she sees the look from the dress shop return to Alex's face, the one with the dark eyes and slightly slack jaw.

“Girls! Let me get a photo of you two!”

Alex blinks, as if suddenly remembering where they are, and the look is replaced with a small smile. Eliza directs them in front of a flowering bush, and Alex's hand finds its way to the small of Maggie's back. She tries to stop the blush from rising to her cheeks at the contact, not wanting it to be preserved forever in their prom photos, but it's nearly impossible. She does her best to smile through it anyway, though she can't help but think that Alex is probably going to kill her by the end of the night.

_Cause of death: spontaneous combustion._

“Alex, aren't you forgetting something?” Eliza peaks around her camera to ask.

“Oh, right!” Alex glances at Maggie. “Stay here.”

Maggie does as she's told, waiting on the lawn while Alex runs inside. She hops up the steps, clearly excited, and Maggie can't help the grin spreading across her face as she watches her.

“You look gorgeous.” Maggie glances up to see Eliza still looking at her. “I'm glad the two of you are going together. Don't tell her I said this, but it's good to see Alex have... someone. She's never really had anyone like you in her life before.”

Maggie swallows. She's had very few interactions with Alex's mom, and she's never been anything but pleasant, but she still can't shake the nervous feeling in her stomach. “I've never met anyone like Alex before, Mrs. Danvers.”

“I told you, call me Eliza,” she says, and Maggie doesn't flinch this time at the mention of her ex-best-friend's name. “You're my daughter's best friend, no need to be formal.”

Maggie smiles, nerves slowly dissipating. “Well, your daughter is really special to me, Eliza.”

Eliza returns it. “And you to her. Oh — here she comes.”

Maggie turns to see Alex making her way back, a long, thin box in one hand as the other holds onto the railing. She strides towards the two of them, and Maggie admires for a second the way her long legs walk steadily in her heels.

But her confident walk is not mirrored in her face, which is tinged pink by the time she stops in front of Maggie. “I got you — well, here.” She opens the box to reveal a pretty flower attached to a bracelet. The petals are a dark blue, matching nearly perfectly with her dress.

“A corsage?” Maggie suddenly like a lousy date. “I didn't get you one.”

Alex shakes her head. “I wouldn't let you see my dress, silly. How would you know what to get?”

Maggie tries to hide the sound of her breath catching as Alex takes her hand, sliding the flower onto her wrist.

“There. Perfect,” she says, fingers still wrapped around Maggie's arm. She raises her hand to kiss the backs of her fingers, and Maggie watches this time as her lips meet Maggie's skin.

There's a bright flash of light, then Alex is shooting a glare at her mother. “Mom,” she warns, but Eliza isn't perturbed, just snaps another of Alex's glare.

“They're called _candids_ , Alex.”

Alex rolls her eyes, and Maggie can't help but smile at her.

“Oh gosh, Maggie, you look _beautiful.”_ Kara is next to her now, her eyes wide as she takes in Maggie's dress. “Alex you were right!”

“Told you.” Alex puts an arm around Maggie, this time sliding her hand across her shoulders and making her shiver. She hopes it's not too noticeable, but Kara is looking at her with that particular gleam in her eye she'd noticed in the salon.

“Selfie?” she suggests, and Maggie thinks she knows why a second later when they all squeeze in close together for a picture.

She's definitely not making it through tonight alive.

//

Prom is already in full swing when they arrive. She can feel the bass of the music before they even enter the hall, and she's honestly surprised with how nice the inside of this place is. The only time she's ever been in a catering hall was for her cousin's wedding, and the night was so boring that she's blocked out pretty much all of her memories from it.

Kara and Alex head straight to the dance floor, arms linked. Maggie hangs back with Winn and James, though James only sticks around for a minute or two before some buddies of his come and drag him off. She and Winn settle into a comfortable silence, and Maggie's eyes don't leave Alex the entire time.

“So, you tell her yet?” Winn breaks her out of her reprieve a few minutes later.

Maggie groans. “God, no. Not tonight. Tonight's Alex's night.”

“And what would make her night more than the girl of her dreams confessing her love?” Winn says, waggling his eyebrows. When Maggie's expression doesn't budge, he drops them. “Come on — you at least have to ask her to dance.”

“I, uh — I don't really know how,” she admits, and Winn lights back up.

“That's great! I can teach you.”

“You? Seriously?” Maggie says with a laugh.

Winn frowns. “What's that supposed to mean?”

Maggie shrugs. “You just... strike me as a two left feet kind of guy.”

“I'll have you know I was in the school's production of Peter Pan my freshman year.”

Maggie tilts her head. “Was that the one where someone accidentally flew into the set and the video went viral? I heard the school decided not to do any more musicals after that.”

“That was a stage crew error, it had nothing to do with —” he starts, then sighs. “If I promise not to step on your toes, will you at least give me one song?” When she holds her glare, he gives her the puppy dog eyes. They're not as good as Kara's, but they are pretty convincing. “You can't not dance at your senior prom! Dancing is what prom is all about, Alex.”

“Okay, okay, jeez,” she says, trying her best to hold back her smile as Winn squeals and takes her hand. She has a reputation to maintain, after all. The DJ is playing a pop song Maggie barely recognizes, but Winn throws his head back and sings along, bouncing his head as he leads Maggie onto the dance floor.

It's when he turns to her with an enthusiastic smile that she suddenly realizes she hasn't danced in public since like the third grade, when her school had a Valentine's Day dance.

Winn must pick up on it, because he reaches forward and takes both hands in his this time. “C'mon Sawyer — just move your feet, I'll handle the rest.”

“I don't know Winn, maybe we should just–” she starts to say, but Winn cuts her off.

“Look around you — do you really think you're any worse than... that guy?” He gestures with his head towards a guy making obnoxious swinging motions with his arms as he practically hops around the dance floor. His date seems amused, at least. “Trust me.”

He flashes her a charming smile, and she's once again reminded of how much easier this could be, if only things were different.

She lets him guide her arms back and forth as they start some sort of shuffle, an easy enough move even for someone as uncoordinated as her. She finds herself laughing along and letting go after a minute when she realizes that no one is paying her any attention at all.

He spins her during the chorus of the song, starting to sing along again and she shakes her head. _How did I not peg Winn as a theater nerd?_ she wonders.

They go through a few songs that way, Maggie mostly just swaying from side to side as Winn puts on a show before someone comes and taps on Winn's shoulder.

It's Alex. “Mind if I cut in?” she asks, then shakes her head. “Sorry, do people actually like, say that?”

Winn holds up a finger. “Just a quick point of clarification — are you asking to dance with Maggie, or with me?”

Maggie's heart skips a beat when Alex gives him an incredulous look before stepping in front of him, attention suddenly focused only on Maggie. “Can I have this dance?”

she asks, full of confidence for a moment before faltering. “Ugh — that's another one, isn't it?”

The lights are a dim blue, but Maggie doesn't have to strain to see the nervous smile on Alex's face, tinted with something that looks a lot like hope. She swallows, trying to stifle that same feeling in her own chest.

Winn gives her a thumbs up from behind Alex's back, and she shakes herself out of her slight stupor.

She takes a step forward. “I'd love to dance with you, Danvers.”

Winn has both thumbs up now, and apparently is too distracted by the scene in front of him to keep him from nearly toppling over some girl in the crowd as he retreated. Alex doesn't turn at the slight commotion, instead closing the distance between them.

Dancing with Alex is nothing like dancing with Winn. For one thing, Winn barely stopped moving long enough for Maggie to get a good look at him the entire time they were on the dance floor. Alex's eyes haven't left Maggie, though, and her moves are less wild than Winn's, a closer match to Maggie's.

Maggie doesn't recognize the song, but it must be a popular one judging by the number of people that rush into the middle of the room. The crowd tightens into some dance number that apparently they all know, and Maggie nearly trips when someone bumps her from behind. She's never been in a crowd this big, and it's not a comfortable feeling. She stiffens, and Alex's lays a hand on her arm.

“You know, this isn't exactly what I had in mind,” Alex leans in to say. “How about we wait for a better song? I could get you one of those virgin strawberry daiquiris everyone is pretending to get wasted off of.”

Maggie's relief must show on her face, because even before she begins to nod Alex is taking her by the hand and leading her to the back of the room, now much less populated with everyone doing whatever that line dance is.

The cool drink is refreshing, and Maggie is feeling better by the time she and Alex find an unoccupied spot in the corner. The dance number is wrapping up, and from here she can see her former dance partner next to a blonde girl, whose head is thrown back in laughter.

“Looks like Winn's found a friend,” Maggie says, nodding towards Winn, watching as the girl touches his shoulder. He looks like he could explode with happiness, and it's pretty contagious. Maggie finds herself wearing a faint smile as they transition smoothly into dancing together during the next song.

“Do you like him?” Alex asks suddenly, interrupting her thoughts.

“What? Who?”

“Winn — do you like him?”

'

Maggie holds back a laugh only because of the serious look on Alex's face. Her eyebrows are pinched together, hands worrying in front of her, and her expression only slightly relaxes when Maggie shakes her head. “No I — of course not,” she says, shaking her head.

“Are you sure? Because it'd be okay if you did.” Alex's words are rushed, and she doesn't look like she's even believing them.

“I'm one-hundred percent sure, Danvers. Look, see, that girl is all over him,” Maggie gestures towards Winn again, and this time Alex actually looks at Winn, who now has his arms around blonde-girl's waist.

“Yeah, I — okay,” Alex says, though her lip still tucks into the side of her mouth, reminding Maggie of the other day when she'd fallen off her bike.

“Didn't peg you for the jealous type,” Maggie teases. Alex's eyes snap to hers. “Well, you can relax. I'm here with you, aren't I?”

Alex's mouth opens, but no words come out, and Maggie takes the opportunity to take a long sip of her strawberry daiquiri, wondering if maybe someone _did_ manage to find a way to spike the drink. She's not usually so forward.

Alex overcomes whatever stupor she's in to reach forward and squeeze Maggie's hand. “Yeah, you are.”

Maggie is sure she isn't imagining things this time — Alex's eyes definitely fall to Maggie's lips, and she feels like the air has been knocked out of her. She's struck with the thought that this could be it — this could be her moment. She could lean up and close the few inches between them in a second. No one would see, right?

She's still trying to get up the nerve when an arm slings around her shoulders.

“You kids having fun?” It's James, with a radiant Kara by his side. Alex jumps at the noise, taking a quick step back, and Maggie feels like she has control over her body again.

“A blast,” Maggie confirms, happy when Alex nods along with her.

“I can't keep this one off the dance floor,” James says, sending a wink Kara's way.

Kara gasps. “James, that's a great idea! Come on, let's all dance together!”

Maggie isn't eager to get back out onto the floor, but there are less people now than before, and she's not going to be the one to tell Kara's smiling face no, is she? Alex is looking to her for an answer, so she grins and nods. Kara practically squeals before grabbing James and leading him towards where Winn and the other girl are still lost in each other.

It's not really a dance so much as it is jumping around in a circle, but Kara grabs Maggie's hand and Alex still holds her other tight, and her thoughts kind of fade out after a few seconds, instead absorbed in the moment.

//

Prom ends at ten, and the limousine picks them back up at the entrance to the hall. They pile in, space a little tighter since Winn invites his new friend — Lyra, as he giddily introduces her — to tag along.

“So, if you're all interested, I invited a few people over my place for a little after party,” James offers as soon as they settle in.

Maggie's eyebrows shoot up. Her father barely lets her come _home_ after ten, never mind throw parties. “Wow — your parents must be cool.”

James shrugs. “It's just my mom, and yeah — she loves me. And as long as I'm responsible, she thinks I deserve to have a good time on my last night of high school.”

“He means she buys him wine coolers,” Kara chimes in, and James laughs.

“Only on the condition that only graduates partake, and I'm the designated driver for anyone who drinks.”

Winn left his car at the Danvers' when the limousine picked them up, so he and Lyra drive separately over to James' while Maggie and Alex ride in the back seat of James' sedan.

A few party-goers have already arrived judging by the two or three cars parked haphazardly along the front lawn. A cheer goes up from a group of kids on the porch when James' opens his door. Kara stays by his side as he stops to say hello to his friends, but Alex takes Maggie by the hand to lead her indoors.

It's a small gathering, with only a few of James' teammates that she recognizes from school. His mom only stops in once, just to remind James to “be safe.” He doesn't shy away when she leans up to kiss him on the cheek, and it only makes Maggie like him more.

“You want something to drink?” Alex offers, but Maggie shakes her head. She's made it this far, but she remembers how she was seconds from kissing Alex on the outskirts of the dance floor, and thinks it's better if she doesn't.

“Maggie!” Winn calls her over from the couch. She makes sure Alex has actually left the room before she goes over to him, knowing what he'll want to talk about. “So, did you make a move?”

Maggie frowns. “Who even says that?” Winn just looks at her, so she sighs. “No. I mean, there was a moment where I wanted to kiss her and I think, maybe, she wanted it too, but—”

Winn groans. “Maggie you've got to seize the moment, that's like the whole point of prom.”

“I thought the whole point of prom was dancing?”

“You're impossible,” he says. “Listen, if I hadn't seized the moment, you think I'd be with Lyra right now?”

Maggie laughs. “It's only been like three hours and you're already 'with' her?”

“It's been five hours, thank you very much.”

She doesn't get to respond before Alex returns a minute later with a wine cooler. She stops for a moment in the doorway when she spots Maggie and Winn sitting together, but forces a smile onto her face and comes to join them.

Winn seems to buy it, quickly starting up a conversation about dorm shopping, but Maggie is preoccupied with its fairness. She tries not to look too worried when Alex's drink is finished within minutes.

When Winn gets up to get a glass of water, Maggie takes the chance to lean into Alex. “You okay?” she asks in a low whisper. Alex nods, but she can tell something is on her mind, and she has a feeling she knows what it is when she spots Alex warily eyeing the space between Winn and Maggie when he comes back from the kitchen.

She knows she shouldn't be happy Alex is jealous, but she can't help it. It makes her feel a little better about the way she acted about Tommy.

A few of James' friends have to leave after only an hour or so — parents, curfew, etc. — and Maggie is grateful that her father won't be home until tomorrow morning, that she gets to spend one last night with Alex before the long stretch until they live together.

It's just their friends left by midnight, and it reminds Maggie of the night she and Alex first really talked. It's only been a few months, but it feels like a lifetime ago. She can't really remember how she was surviving before Alex, and she can't picture life without her now.

They exchange long hugs in the foyer, even though they'll all see each other tomorrow. Kara looks particularly sad, so Maggie squeezes her extra tight. James gives her an appreciative smile, hugging her briefly before nodding his head towards something behind Maggie. She turns to see Alex waiting for her in the doorway.

“Walk you home?” she asks with a soft smile. Her hair has fallen out of it's tighter curls from earlier in the night, relaxing against her cheeks, and Maggie feels breathless.

Alex takes her hand as they leave, and Maggie feels a shiver run through her from the cool summer air.

“I had a really good time tonight,” Alex says after she leads Maggie across the street. “Even if it was nothing like I thought it'd be.”

“Yeah, that was a lot less cool than they make it seem in the movies. Where was the debauchery, the drama?” Maggie sighs. “So boring.”

Alex laughs, bumping into her shoulder as they make their way up the walk. “Still — I'm glad I was with you.”

“Me too.”

Alex wears a light smile. “In a way, tonight was kind of perfect.” She turns to face her as they reach the door. Maggie almost disagrees — it was over so fast, and for the most part underwhelming. But it had been fun, nonetheless. And sure, she may have never gotten her dance with Alex, but she was terrible at it anyway, and they'd had fun dancing the whole night with their friends.

“It really was,” Maggie says. “Thanks for inviting me.”

Alex takes a small step forward, voice suddenly a little quieter. Her eyes are warm under the dim light outside of Maggie's porch. “There isn't anyone I'd rather be with.”

Maggie feels all the air leave her lungs as she realizes that this is it, isn't it? This is the moment has felt inevitable since Maggie first laid eyes on Alex, and particularly all night tonight. She could have been imagining things each time she saw Alex's gaze linger, but no — she knows Alex, and she knows this is special, that _she's_ special to Alex.

It's inevitable.

Without taking another second to doubt herself, Maggie steps forward into Alex's space, hand rising to cup her cheek as she slowly connects her lips to Alex's. Everything is terrifying still for a second before Alex pushes into her, lips parting slightly for one beautiful moment.

And then it all comes crashing down.

She pulls away suddenly, her hands on Maggie's shoulders forcing Maggie to take a step backwards. In her heels, she nearly loses her balance and Alex almost looks guilty for a moment before she remembers what just happened.

“What are you — why did you —” she looks confused, hurt, _angry_ and Maggie feels her mouth dry up.

Everything she's been afraid of for months comes bubbling to the surface, and she wonders if she was wrong, if maybe the only thing that was inevitable about all this was her ability to screw up her entire life.

She has to fix this, becausing losing Alex is not an option. Alex is her lifeline, her way _out_. Alex is everything.

Maybe she isn't mad, just surprised. Maybe they'll laugh about this all one day. Maybe things can still go back to normal.

She shakes her head, taking a way step towards Alex.

“I'm sorry. I just thought — you've been so touchy with me lately, and _nice_ , and then you asked me to prom and I just thought —”

“Because I missed my _friend_ , not because I — I'm not —” Alex stutters. “I'm not like that.”

Maggie recoils, taking a step away from Alex's stiff form — Alex, who is still frozen in shock from Maggie kissing her, Maggie fucking everything up.

_I'm not like that._

_I'm not like you._

“I'm sorry,” Maggie says, voice shaking. She can't feel her hands, but she knows they're probably doing the same. Her entire body is numb. “I was just — someone must have spiked the punch, okay?”

Alex blinks, coming to life suddenly. She shakes her head. “Don't lie to me, Maggie.”

She's not sure what to say, mouth opening and closing uncertainly. “I'm sorry,” she repeats a third time. It's the best she can do, but it's not good enough.

“How long?”

“What?”

“How long have you... liked me?” Alex asks, voice low. She's not looking at Maggie anymore, and she wishes she had a time machine, that she could just go back five minutes and not throw away the most important relationship in her life by doing something so stupid. She's never been more disgusted with herself.

“I —” she hesitates, considering lying, but that tactic hadn't worked so well just seconds before. “I don't know. Always?”

“I have to go,” Alex says suddenly, moving to leave. Maggie can practically feel her heart breaking inside her chest, and hopes it isn't mirrored on her face.

Maggie almost reaches for her, then stops herself. “Alex,” she calls out instead, but Alex just shakes her head as she starts down the stairs.

“I have to go,” she repeats, voice more urgent this time. She pauses at the bottom of the steps, and Maggie hopes for a second that Alex will turn around, will give her a chance to explain — not that she knows what she would say even if she did. Not that it matters, because Alex doesn't turn. Instead, she keeps her back to Maggie as she speaks. “Don't call me.”

And then she's gone.

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me through the wait! This chapter was a beast to write, and it would really mean the world to me if you left a comment or sent me a message on Tumblr (@aka-patsywalker). I really enjoy reading what you guys have to say, and hearing your thoughts on what's happening helps me come up with ideas and (probably most importantly) find motivation to write.


	10. you always make mistakes like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to present day! For those who would like a reminder of what happened previously, this is picking up from the end of Chapter 5.

“What's wrong?” Kara asks, wearing a frown as she studies her sister.

She was hoping to avoid this. Alex is not sure what tipped Kara off — maybe it was the fact that she slept way later than usual, or maybe it was the fact that she'd barely mustered a grumbled reply when Kara said “hello” to her after she finally managed to drag herself out of bed.

Either way, she doesn't want to talk about it.

Alex shakes her head, keeping her eyes ahead as she looks for the milk in the fridge front of her. She's not sure what time it is because she hasn't had the courage to look at her phone since she woke up, but she has a feeling it must be approaching noon judging by the brightness of the light outside.

“Nothing. I'm fine. Everything is great.”

Kara leans on the counter next to Alex. Her lips remain downturned as she waits for Alex to close the door. “I can tell something's up,” she states.

Alex sighs, but doesn't say anything. What's there to say, really?

“I heard you come home pretty late last night,” Kara points out. “Were you at Maggie's?”

“Yeah. I'm pretty tired,” Alex says, and it's not like it's untrue. She had barely slept, after all. How could she, with memories of the night before running through her head?

Kara bites the inside of her cheek, watching with wary eyes as Alex pours milk into her bowl of cereal. “Did something happen?”

At this, Alex closes her eyes, unable to stop the image of Maggie's face as she left her dorm room the night before from replaying in her mind.

“ _You didn't do anything wrong,”_ she hears Maggie say — Maggie, who has been too good and too understanding throughout this whole thing, Maggie who Alex has hurt time and time again, who is still making excuses for Alex's idiocy after all these years.

“No.” Alex answer is simple, and it doesn't satisfy Kara, who follows her as she walks towards the counter to scarf down her cereal.

_God, how could I have been so stupid?_

She wishes she could take it back. It was a mistake, kissing Maggie. It was one bad decision and now she and Maggie are back in this weird in-between place instead of moving forward like they had been. She could have had her best friend back, but now?

Maggie hadn't seemed mad, but how is Alex supposed to look at her anymore without thinking of what an idiot she had been, to assume that the girl she'd burned years ago could somehow still want her, that she still deserved a chance with her?

She doesn't realize she's blinking back tears until Kara's hand is on her back. “You can talk to me, you know?” she says.

Alex knows Kara is trying to help, but she shrugs her off.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket, and her heart seizes for a moment until she sees the name on the screen is not Maggie, but Vasquez. She's not sure what her coworker could be contacting her for on her day off, but she has a feeling it's not good.

“ _Hey Alex — any chance you can cover for Joe? He was grossing out the guests with his cold so he had to go home.”_

Alex pauses, thinking. As much as she'd love to lay in bed all day, experience tells her that's not going to be an option now that Kara knows she's upset.

Her suspicions are confirmed a few seconds later.

“You don't have to talk, but at least let me keep you company today. You shouldn't be sad alone.”

Alex makes her decision easily. “Can't — I got called into work, I have to get ready.”

Kara's face is exasperated when Alex empties her bowl into the garbage, but she moves out of Alex's way as she heads to the bathroom to splash some water on her face.

//

It turns out that Joe's cold isn't just a cold, it's a full blown flu, and he's going to need someone to cover his shifts for the next few days. Alex volunteers without being asked. She would rather be at work than at home with her thoughts, anyway.

It did the trick for the first few hours, when things were busy. There was a pretty gnarly lunch rush, but things died down by dinner and there have been only five tables for the past half an hour for her and Vasquez to tend to.

It's going on seven thirty when Alex feels a buzzing in her pocket. She hesitates before retrieving her phone. Her heart begins to race when she sees that it's a message from Maggie. She suddenly regrets changing her phone settings so her messages are hidden on her lock screen when she has to type in her code with shaky fingers, messing up twice before the phone finally opens to the text.

“ _Danvers, I think we should talk about what happened last night. Can you come over?”_

Alex stares at it, mouth twisted into a frown. She can't read the tone — is Maggie angry? She doesn't think so, but it's so hard to tell from a few pixels on a screen. She has every right to be, after all. Alex kissed her and ran away. But Maggie had told her not to go last night, and now she texted Alex first. That's got to be a good sign, right?

She's not sure how long she stares at the message before her fingers start to type a response. She types a few words, erases them, and repeats. “ _I can't. I got called into work,”_ is the best she can come up with after a minute, and it does nothing to ease the frown on her face. She begins to erase it — it's not _right_ — when she's interrupted.

“Earth to Danvers.” Alex startles at little at the voice and spins to find a laughing Vasquez. She quickly hides her phone in her pocket. “Sorry. You looked totally zoned.”

Alex frowns. Turns out she can get lost in her thoughts at work, too. “Yeah, I'm a little out of it. Good thing it's practically dead tonight.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Vasquez says. “I was totally swamped on my own here earlier, though. Thanks for coming to my rescue.”

Alex waves away her thanks. “No worries. I needed to get out of the house anyway.” She barely gets the sentence out before she breaks into a yawn.

Vasquez raises her eyebrows. “Late night?”

“Yeah — I barely got any sleep.”

“Oh? Hopefully for the right reasons.”

Alex blinks, Vasquez's words taking a moment before registering. When they do, she laughs. “No — kind of the opposite, actually. I think I screwed everything up.”

“It can't have been that bad.”

 _It was_.

“Yeah, well. I kissed my friend. She uh — wasn't into it.”

She's not sure why she's confessing all of this to a coworker, but Vasquez has always been pretty cool to her. They're not on a first name basis, obviously, but that doesn't mean that Alex doesn't consider her at least somewhat of a friend. She's gotten better at casually coming out to people, but that doesn't mean it doesn't send a sort of shock through her system at stating her preferences out loud.

If Vasquez is surprised by the pronoun usage though, she doesn't show it. Instead, she tilts her head. “Huh. Her loss.”

Alex snorts. “Trust me, it's not.”

A customer waves at them, and Vasquez jumps into action. “I've got this, you can just chill. Consider it a thank you for saving my ass earlier.”

Alex is surprised when Vasquez reappears a few minutes later with two mugs of what she hopes is coffee.

“You looked like you needed this,” she says as she hands one over to Alex. She watches as Alex grabs a package of sugar from a nearby table. “You might want to take two — the coffee here is pretty terrible.”

She's not wrong, Alex discovers after her first sip, but she appreciates it nonetheless.

“Thank you,” she says.

Vasquez goes to respond, but something catches her eye over Alex's shoulder and she groans instead. “Ugh, those assholes at five are calling me over. Hope that helps,” she says, nodding towards the coffee before turning away.

Alex takes another long sip of the hot liquid, hoping it will do something to dull the aching in her head and maybe help her come up with something to say to Maggie.

 _Maggie. Shit._ She whips out her phone, heart dropping when she sees the screen is still on. She must've forgotten to turn it off before putting it away. It only falls further when she sees that she'd apparently accidentally pressed send when she'd shoved her phone unceremoniously into her pocket.

And worse, she'd somehow erased all but two words. Now her message just reads:

_“I can't.”_

_Read at 7:43 p.m._

Three minutes ago. And Maggie is typing.

She holds her breath until the message appears. _“If you could just give me two minutes to explain.”_

The chime near the door rings as a couple comes through it, and Alex has to leave her phone on the hostess stand while seating them. She comes back a few minutes later to another message.

_"I could come to you if that's easier?"_

She didn't mean to keep Maggie waiting, and she hopes she hasn't made her too anxious with her delayed responses. Alex stares at her phone, unsure of what to say. Maggie clearly isn't mad, right? But how could she not be? Alex _kissed_ her. Unless... maybe she didn't hate it. Maybe she wants to talk to Alex about doing it again, doing it right this time around.

She decides honesty is the best policy. “ _I wish I could, but I got called into work. I'll be here all night.”_

“ _Tomorrow_?” the response is immediate, hopeful.

Alex hates to have to shoot the request down. “ _Sorry, covering for my sick coworker for the next few days.”_ She hesitates before sending another message. “ _Maybe before class?”_

Maggie's answer a few seconds later makes her smile. “ _I'll try to be on time for once. See you then.”_

//

She's exhausted by the time her shift lets out Monday. She'd closed the night before, and had gone straight from class that afternoon to work. Vasquez wasn't working, so no one was there to bring her terrible (but nonetheless caffeinated) coffee to make the time pass a little faster, or at least more coherently. She only got one table that tips well, but she can't really blame the others — she was probably a terrible waitress, tonight. It was hard to force a smile on her face when all she can think about is what she's going to tell Maggie.

She and Maggie haven't spoken since their texts on Saturday, but Alex has had to stop herself from sending a message to her. She's anxious to find out what Maggie has to say — but that as much as she wants to know, she's terrified to. She's sort of grateful when her phone dies midway through her shift.

It's almost ten by the time she gets home.

She's not expecting Kara to be waiting for her on the couch, arms folded tightly over a pillow. Her sister looks up sharply at the sound of the door opening, a long sigh escaping her lips when she sees it's Alex. She stands, throwing the pillow onto the couch as she does so.

She storms it halfway across the room before she stops, folding her arms again. “Where were you?” she asks.

“I was...” Alex starts, then pauses, taking a few steps into the apartment. “Wait, what's wrong?”

“What's wrong? You were supposed to be home like seven hours ago, Alex. Your phone was going straight to voicemail.” Kara lets out an exasperated breath, and Alex notices for the first time that tears are brimming in her sister's eyes.

She's realizes she's barely spoken to Kara in the past few days — she got home past Kara's bedtime Saturday, and they both worked Sunday (Kara in the morning and Alex in the evening) and had missed each other. She took her own car to class this morning so that she could go straight to work afterwards. She had left early, while Kara was still in the shower, telling her via text that she was taking her car and would see her home later. She tries to remember if she included the _why_ in that text — that she was covering for Joe again — but she figures she must not have given Kara's distressed state.

“Hey,” she says, moving to pull Kara into hug. “I'm okay. I'm sorry. I was at work. My phone is dead — I forgot to grab my charger from your car this morning.”

Kara nods against Alex's shoulder. “That makes sense.” She sniffs as she takes a step back, offering Alex a watery smile. “I'm sorry — I just got worried. You've been acting so distant the past few days, and I was thinking about how much was going on with you in high school that I didn't know about, and I started wondering what it is that you're not telling me now. And then you didn't answer my texts, or my calls, or my voicemails and I...” she shrugs. “I guess I freaked out.”

Alex smiles. “Maybe a little. But you're right — I have been distant.” She knows she shouldn't have tried to keep anything from Kara. Her pride isn't worth hurting her sister. “And as much as I'd really like to tell you all about it, it's late, you look completely exhausted, and we both have class in the morning.”

Kara bites the side of her mouth. “But Alex —” she starts, but Alex holds up a hand.

“Dinner tomorrow? We can talk — about what's been going on with me, and whatever it is that's going on with you, too. And don't try to say it's nothing, Kara, because we both know that this isn't really normal for you.”

Kara looks like she's about to protest, but a yawn stops her. Alex can't remember the last time she saw her sister awake past ten p.m., and knows it would be dangerous for both of them if she keeps her up much later. A grumpy Kara is a scary Kara.

“Okay. But you have to promise you're going to be honest with me.”

Alex wraps her arms around Kara again, holding her tight. “Promise.”

//

Alex doesn't mean to be late for class on Tuesday. Honestly, she was aiming for being ten minutes early — plenty of time for her and Maggie to talk in private, but also close enough to class that if things get too awkward they can take their seats and...

_And what? Go back to pretending like we don't know each other?_

Alex hates the idea of it, so she tries not to think about that option. However, that leaves her thinking about the _other_ , considerably less likely scenario — that Maggie had called after Alex the other night because she'd wanted her to stay. Maybe they were moving too fast; maybe Maggie wanted to take things slow and Alex, as usual, was too caught up in her own mess to see Maggie.

To say Alex is getting her hopes up might be putting things lightly. And by the time Tuesday rolls around, she's practically buzzing when she leaves for her afternoon class.

Which makes the traffic on the highway more than just a little bit heartbreaking.

It takes a full ten minutes to pass the accident, right before Alex's exit, and by the time she arrives in the parking lot she knows she's screwed. Apparently all the other commuters had gotten caught up in the snarl as well, and now there's a gigantic line for the bus to campus. She manages to slip in somewhere in the middle next to two girls who aren't paying any attention, but it's not enough — there's no way she'll be able to talk to Maggie now.

She arrives at class with only a few seconds to spare.

Maggie is in her usual seat, but her eyes don't rise when Alex enters the room. They stay trained on the paper in front of her as her fingers spin her pencil, mouth twisted in a slight frown. Alex stops for a moment when she sees her.

 _Well if she wasn't mad before, she is now,_ Alex decides.

But she doesn't have time to think about it. Hughes is just behind her, and she takes the first available seat she sees, in the front row. Alex hates sitting in the front — she can never shake the feeling that she's being watched — and it turns out it's even worse when she knows Maggie is above her. She's not sure why the thought makes her anxious, since she knows that Maggie is probably pointedly looking anywhere but at her — but still, she can't help the hairs standing up on the back of her neck at the thought that Maggie's eyes might be on her.

She doesn't even have time to pull her notebooks out of her bag before Hughes is speaking. “I know you've all settled in already, so I'm sorry to do this, but why don't you take a minute and switch seats so you're sitting with your group-mates? And from now on, try to sit together at the start of each class.”

Alex lets out a long, slow breath before she turns around. Maggie hasn't moved, but she's looking right at her now. Maggie blinks when their eyes connect, her face otherwise unreadable, then nods to the now-empty seat next to her.

Alex tries her best to look calm as she climbs the stairs of the lecture hall. Maggie is seated in the middle of the row, and she has to squeeze past a few oblivious classmates before she can finally sit down next to her.

“Hey,” she forces out, wincing at the strain in her voice. She tries to smile, but it dies when Maggie doesn't attempt to return it. “I'm sorry I was late —” she starts, but Maggie cuts her off.

“Are you avoiding me, Danvers?” Maggie asks, her eyes not meeting Alex's as she stares ahead. Her jaw is set, her foot bouncing as she takes a deep breath through her nose. “Because if you're going to cut me out again, I'd really like a warning this time.”

Alex bites her lip. “No, no of course not. I tried to get here, I really did, but there was a car accident on the expressway, and the bus line was insane and — I'm sorry,” she finishes lamely.

After a pause long enough to make Alex's heart race, Maggie lets out a deep breath, turning towards her. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I just... I feel like you're putting off talking about this, and I think you should know that that's not how I like to do things anymore.”

“I'm not,” Alex insists. It doesn't convince Maggie, who doesn't respond as she worries at her lip. Alex pushes through her nerves, reaching out to touch Maggie's knee. She follows Maggie's eyes as they glance down at the contact. “I promise, I'm not. I want to talk about it. Things have just been really, really busy these past few days.”

“Okay,” Maggie says, nodding. “So are you busy after class?”

Alex sighs — dinner with Kara isn't exactly something she can bail on after their conversation last night.

Maggie apparently takes that as an answer, and her laugh hardly passes for genuine as she shakes her head. “Alright, Danvers. How about you tell me when you can pencil me in?”

Alex wants to explain, but apparently their minute is up — Hughes is back at the front of the room. “So, now that you're together, if you could all sign one copy of your worksheet and pass those forward.”

Alex's eyes go wide, turning to Maggie. “Shit. I'm sorry, I totally forgot.”

But Maggie is unfazed, instead turning to pull something out of her binder. “I had work Sunday, so I looked up the rest of the answers.”

“Wait — you could do that this whole time?”

Maggie smirks, sliding the paper over to Alex so she can sign her name at the top.

//

“How was class?” Kara asks as soon as she sits down at the table in the dining hall.

Hughes had talked for the rest of the hour and forty minutes, telling them to check online for a homework assignment that would be posted tonight. Maggie hadn't said anything while they walked out, but had stopped to ask Alex to text her when they reached the doors to the quad.

“Don't keep me waiting, Danvers,” Maggie said with a sad smile before walking in the other direction.

“Class was... boring,” Alex says. She starts to unwrap her food and waits for Kara's next question, because she's learned to recognize when her soon-to-be-reporter sister is digging for information. There's something about the tone of her voice that gives it away.

She doesn't have to wait long. “So... did you see Maggie?” Kara asks before Alex can even get the foil-wrap off her burger.

“Yep,” she answers. “We even sat together.” She doesn't mention that that was Hughes' doing. Kara doesn't need to know absolutely _everything_ , after all.

“And how are things between the two of you?”

Alex lets out a deep breath, knowing that this is the hard part. She doesn't make eye contact with Kara as she speaks. “Not so great, actually. I, uh — kissed her.”

Kara's mouth falls open. “What? When?”

Alex winces. “Saturday night.”

“Holy shit.” Kara laughs. “I can't believe you actually made a move. Wait — why is it not so great?”

“Because she said it...” Alex pauses, realizing Maggie hadn't really said what she thought about it at all — only that it was her fault. But that's not right. Alex kissed Maggie; the blame obviously lies with her. “She said she's in a weird place. Her girlfriend had just broken up with her that afternoon.”

Kara looks scandalized. “Oh my god, Alex.”

“I know,” Alex says, pressing her palms into her forehead as she lets out a sigh. “Trust me, I know.”

“So was she mad?”

Alex looks up at Kara. “I don't know — no? I mean, if she is, she's doing a good job of hiding it. She keeps saying she wants to talk, but you know how busy the past few days have been for me and now she thinks I'm avoiding her altogether.” She thinks for a moment. “She told me not to keep her waiting.”

Kara laughs, a small smiling working its way onto her face. “Sounds like she likes you.”

“What?”

“Come on — 'don't keep her waiting?' Listen, if I had been broken up with hours before, I wouldn't know how to feel about someone I used to _love_ kissing me out of nowhere. Maybe she needed some time to process.”

Alex shakes her head. “Trust me, it wasn't like that.”

“I'm just saying: when you do have that talk, bring mints.”

“Yeah, if I ever have the time to talk to her.” Alex shakes her head. “But that's about it for me — how was your day?”

Kara shrugs. “Fine.”

Alex gives her a long look. “Kara, come on. I told you mine, it's your turn.”

“Mine's not as... specific,” Kara says, lips drawing into a thin line as she pauses to think. “I just... I always thought that we told each other everything. And it's not that I don't understand why you wouldn't want to come out to me at the time. It's not like I'm _mad,”_ she says, eyes darting up to Alex's to make sure she understands. Alex nods. “It's scary for me to realize that you were struggling so hard and I didn't even know why.”

Alex threads their fingers together. “Kara — you were still there for me, remember? It's not like I was alone. I had my best friend, even if you didn't know why I was upset.”

“It was scary then, too,” Kara says quietly. “And when I thought that might be happening again, I got worried.”

Alex squeezes her hand. “I won't put you in that position again.” She waits until Kara looks up at her to smile. “Thank you for telling me.”

Kara pulls away a moment later to pick up her burger, and Alex knows that she's succeeded at least a little bit in making her sister feel better.

“So, Winn is thinking of taking the three-day weekend to visit,” Kara says through a mouthful of food. “He says he can fly in.”

“What? How on earth can he afford that?” Alex asks.

Kara shrugs. “Apparently that app him and his friend made is making a ton of money. He wants to bring her with — he thinks we'll like her.”

“Maybe we can get James to drive over for a night,” Alex suggests. “Would that be weird?”

Kara shakes her head. “No, no, of course not.” She and James had broken up after their first semester apart. It turned out that long distance wasn't for either of them. “I'd love to see him. Let me ask Winn what he thinks.”

Kara pulls out her phone and Alex busies herself with eating her burger. She'd been too nervous to eat before seeing Maggie earlier. She's still nervous, knowing that they still have to 'talk,' that she should text Maggie and tell her that tomorrow might work, or that she'd even drive back to campus tonight after bringing Kara home if Maggie wanted her to.

_Does that seem too desperate?_

_Probably._

She sighs before she takes another large bite of her burger, but something catches her eye midway through.

It's Maggie, at the checkout counter, her brow pinched as she sorts through a few folded bills she's pulled out of her wallet. Alex thinks she must have had tunnel vision earlier, too focused on their upcoming conversation with Maggie to really look at the her — but now, from across the dining hall, she has a moment to watch her as she lights up, finally getting together the right amount and offering it to the cashier with a smile.

“Alex?” Kara asks, waving a hand in front of her face, and Alex realizes that she hasn't been listening to whatever her sister has said in the last thirty seconds.

“Sorry, I was just —” she starts, but it's too late. Kara's already turning to whatever's been holding Alex's attention.

Kara looks back at Alex with wide eyes, whispering. “Can we invite her to hang out this weekend? It'll be fun, you guys can spend some time together...” she waggles her eyebrows, and Alex can't help but snort as she smacks her arm.

Their laughter must have been louder than she realized, because when she turns back to Maggie, she's looking right back at Alex. She smiles on reflex, and Kara holds back a squeal as she waves. Alex sucks in a deep breath as Maggie starts to walk over.

“Please?” Kara asks quietly, shooting a small pout Alex's way. Alex rolls her eyes, but nods, and Kara grins. “ _Yes._ Maggie, hi!”

She waits until Maggie places her food on the table before throwing her arms around her old friend. Alex watches Maggie smile over Kara's shoulder, and the feeling is contagious.

“Long time no see,” she says, nodding at Maggie from her seat. She looks at Kara, who is practically glowing, and decides that she probably won't mind if Maggie joins them — they'd had both said what they needed to say. “You want to eat with us? We just sat down a few minutes ago.”

“I can't,” Maggie says, shaking her head. “I got an emergency text from one of the students in my hall — something about a bunch of mice in a closet.”

“Yuck,” Kara says. “Well hey — I'd love to catch up. Are you busy this weekend?”

Maggie's eyebrows shoot up, and she looks to Alex quickly before shaking her head. “Uh — no, I don't think so.”

“Winn is coming to visit, and I've just invited James! You should come, it'll be a good, old-fashioned reunion. We can even play Cranium!”

Something in Maggie's smile begins to fade, but she nods nonetheless. “Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun.” She glances at Alex. “You'll text me the details?”

“Of course,” Alex says.

After she's gone, Kara turns to Alex, bouncing. “So...?”

“It'll be fun,” Alex says, repeating Maggie's words. She tries to hold back a smile, but it's useless with Kara beaming at her. “What?”

“You _like_ her,” Kara sing-songs with a grin. “Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever gotten to watch you have a crush on anyone before.”

“Oh god, it's not that noticeable is it?”

Kara sucks her lips into her mouth, shaking her head quickly. “No, no of course not.”

“Kara,” Alex warns in a low voice.

“I mean — I'm sure it's just to me, I'm your sister.”

Alex feels her ears burning as she sinks into her seat. Somehow, she doubts that.

//

She'd anticipated Kara wanting to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie until she fell asleep after her emotional outburst the night before, so she's surprised when her sister almost immediately excuses herself to her room to FaceTime with Winn about the upcoming weekend as soon as they get back to the apartment.

So when Alex finds herself alone that night, she does the one thing that she knows she probably shouldn't be — she messages Maggie.

“ _How's the infestation?”_ she texts after only a minute or two of trying to resist. It's not like it's a bad thing, necessarily, messaging Maggie. They do need to talk, after all. But Alex can't help the nerves that flutter in her chest as soon as she presses send.

“ _Overstated_ ,” comes the response a few agonizing minutes minute later. “ _Facilities is going to come take care of it tomorrow, the girl is staying with a friend. Crisis averted.”_ The message is accompanied by a sunglass-wearing emoji, and Alex can't help but chuckle.

Her fingers hesitate on the keyboard. So how exactly does she go about inviting herself over? She's pretty sure Maggie will say yes, given their conversation earlier, but she still doesn't think she can handle waiting for Maggie's response this time. She glances up at Kara's closed door one more time before she clicks on Maggie's contact info and presses the call icon, trying to ignore her heart now pounding in her chest.

She answers after just one ring.

“Danvers?” Maggie sounds confused.

“Yeah, Sawyer?” Alex responds.

“Sorry I just — I don't know, when I saw it was you I figured you'd butt-dialed me or something,” Maggie says, and Alex can hear her laugh into the phone, can picture the slight shake of her head. “What's up?”

Alex takes a deep breath. “I, uh — was wondering if you're free for the rest of the night. I thought I was going to be hanging out with Kara, but she bailed on me. I was thinking I could head over to your place if you wanted to... you know, talk?”

It's a far drive, especially considering that she'd pretty much just returned from where Maggie lives, and she wonders if Maggie will pick up on that, if she'll think Alex is being ridiculous.

“Really?” Maggie asks, voice somewhat small. “I mean — yes, yeah, come on over. Send me a text when you're on your way up, okay?”

“Yeah, will do. See you soon.”

She knocks on Kara's door as soon as she hangs up.

When her sister opens it, she can see Winn's face smiling from Kara's computer screen on her desk. Before Kara can get a word in edgewise, he calls out to her. “Alex, hi!”

She peers into the room. “Hey, Winn! Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your planning session.”

“Please, it's fine,” Kara says, shaking her head. She takes a step closer, speaking in a voice that only Alex can hear. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah — um... I'm actually going over Maggie's,” she says, not prepared for Kara's squeal at the admission.

“Oh my god! Okay, what are you going to say?”

“No idea,” Alex says.

Kara looks concerned for a moment, then shakes it off. “Speaking from the heart — good move.” She pauses. “So... should I wait up?”

Alex rolls her eyes, choosing not to answer as she turns to leave.

“I'm taking that as a no!” Kara calls after her.

//

Alex fidgets with the radio for a bit on the drive, finding nothing but the same few songs playing on all the stations. She opts for silence after fifteen minutes or so of whatever whiny boy has topped the charts this week. When she gets to Maggie's dorm, she has to swipe her ID at the door since it's after hours. She texts Maggie as soon as she's in the building, letting her know she's on her way up.

During the climb up the few flights of stairs, Alex remembers what it felt like to be here last time. The nerves that she felt leading up to entering Maggie's room without knocking first are nothing in comparison to her nerves for... well, for whatever this is now. She's not sure what she's expecting, and she thinks that actually makes it worse.

She raises her hand to rap on the door. It takes only a second for Maggie to respond. She wears a half smile as she takes Alex in. She's changed out of what she wore to class, now looking much more comfortable in a hoodie and some leggings, and Alex can picture them for a second in some alternate universe, cuddled up on the couch for a movie night. Maggie breaks the illusion a second later.

“Hey, come on in,” she says, stepping aside to make room for Alex to pass. It's not enough, and she holds her breath as she passes by Maggie, knowing if she lets herself enjoy the feeling of being in Maggie's space for even a second — well, this will all go downhill quickly. “Thanks for coming.”

“Yeah, of course,” Alex says.

Maggie closes the door behind them. They both hesitate in for a moment before Maggie nods towards the living room. “Want to sit?”

Alex glances at the couch, remembers what happened last time she'd been on it. She swallows. “Sure.”

Once they're settled, Maggie doesn't waste any time before launching right into what Alex assumes is probably a well-rehearsed speech after the past few days of waiting.

“I wanted to apologize for what happened the other night. And I just thought that maybe if I could explain, you'd understand.”

Alex frowns. Apologize? Maggie had been nothing but gracious to Alex — she was the one who'd screwed it all up. So why is Maggie looking at her with large eyes, hands clasped together in front of her? She looks scared.

“You don't have to apologize,” Alex starts, but Maggie shakes her head.

“Come on, Alex. I shouldn't... I shouldn't have kissed you,” she says, breathing out the last few words.

Alex sucks in a breath, mind immediately replaying what had happened on this very couch only a few days before. Her hands itch to be on Maggie's hips again, her body suddenly missing the weight of Maggie on top of her. She'd be lying if she said she hasn't thought of it near-constantly since that night. And now is no different — she gets too caught up in picturing it for a second that she doesn't get to correct Maggie before she starts to speak again. After all, she was the one who had initiated it — Maggie had just responded, eagerly.

“I mean, you would think I would have learned after the first time, right?” Maggie lets out a low chuckle, sighing a second later when she sees Alex doesn't reciprocate it. “What, too soon?”

Alex laughs a little now. “No, it's not that — it's...” She's not sure whether or not she should tell Maggie she's the one who started it. It's a small omission — but she's not sure how Maggie would react to the news that Alex had made the first move. “It takes two to tango, you know? You don't owe me an apology. If anything, I should be the one saying I'm sorry.”

“I think we just both got caught up in the moment,” Maggie says, voice tense as she loses the fight to keep her eyes on Alex's, dropping instead to her mouth. “It was kind of a long time coming.”

Alex is hyper-focused on the way Maggie's lips part as she looks at Alex, suddenly very aware of the small amount of space between them. But Maggie breaks the spell suddenly a second later, sitting back against the cushion. Alex mirrors her, not sure what to think — she can't quite get a read on how Maggie is feeling during this conversation.

She lets Maggie think for a minute, watching the gears spinning behind her furrowed brow.

When she does speak, her voice is quiet, and she doesn't look at Alex. “I spent so much time blaming myself for what happened between us that you saying it wasn't all in my head kind of changes my perspective, you know? Not that I'm _mad_ , I just... it brings up a lot of old feelings, things I thought I had dealt with.”

Alex swallows. So Maggie _is_ upset with her, then, even if she's too nice to call it anger. She should have known better than to get her hopes up, but she can't help herself when it comes to Maggie, apparently.

“Yeah, I understand.”

This is bringing up a lot of old feelings for her, too.

_Why can't things be easy again?_

She's not sure she's going to be able to bring herself to say what's on her mind next, but she forces it out after a second. “If you don't want to be friends, I'd get it.”

Maggie looks up suddenly. “No. _No_ , it's not that. And it's not like I have feelings for you again or anything like that. I was a little drunk, and Darla had just broken up with me, and I guess I got confused.” She sighs. “I'm sorry. It won't happen again.”

“Why not?”

Alex doesn't mean to ask it, and has to resist raising her hand to clamp over her mouth, instead clenching her hands into balls at her sides as Maggie looks at her, mouth slightly agape as she considers it. The silence hangs between them for a beat before Maggie speaks again.

“I just think it's hard enough being friends with you right now. It's all a little complicated, you know? It wouldn't work, and we'd both be worse off for it after it was over.”

It's not what she wants to hear, but she'd be lying if she said she didn't agree. It wouldn't work out — Alex has a way of always messing these things up — and she doesn't thin she'd be able to live with herself if she broke Maggie's heart for a second time.

So she nods. “Right. Yeah, of course.”

“But I really do want to make this work,” Maggie says. “You're just... you're really important to me, Danvers, and to be honest I'm kind of terrified of screwing this up.”

“Yeah, me too,” Alex says, and they share a small smile, the tension fading quickly from the room.

“Glad we're on the same page.” Maggie looks nervous again for a second. “So, you got anywhere to be tonight? Or shall we continue our adventures on the SSV Normandy?”

Alex sucks her bottom lip into her mouth as she thinks. “I'm feeling something a little more low-key. There's a few new episodes of Criminal Minds I haven't watched yet?”

Maggie's grin grows slowly. “You know, that actually sounds perfect. You want to load up the episode while I make some popcorn?”

//

Alex wakes up around midnight, her body slumped against the arm of the couch with Maggie's head in her lap, her fingers tangled in her hair.

The television has dimmed, the words “Are you still watching Criminal Minds?” glowing faintly on the screen. She is hyper-aware of the weight of Maggie's head against her thighs and the intimacy of the position, but she doesn't do anything to wake her friend.

Instead, she pulls her hand away from Maggie's head carefully and grabs her phone off the table next to the couch, being sure not to wake Maggie as she reaches. She texts Kara.

“ _Hey, staying at Maggie's. Love you <3_.”

Her eyes are burning from the brightness of her screen when she puts it back down. She closes them as she lays her head back against the cushion. She's asleep again in seconds.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, your comments and kudos are what keeps me writing! Hope this chapter was worth the wait. Thank you to everyone who has sent me messages on Tumblr in the past month. If you ever want to talk about sanvers or prod me to update just send me an ask @aka-patsywalker :)


	11. i want to feel like you've let me go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and sent me messages on Tumblr! I haven't had time to respond to all of them, but they mean a lot to me and motivated me to write whenever I got one. Sorry this chapter took longer than usual - had some personal problems and a very busy work load the past few months - but thank you for sticking with me :) 
> 
> [Recommended listening for this chapter :) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laiT9HsmT00)
> 
> p.s. sorry folks, Maggie isn't a vegan in this story.

Her knocks are short and hard against the door of Room 303, echoing through the empty hallway of Maggie's dorm.

Maggie opens the door right away. “Hey. You came.”

“Of course, as soon as I got your message,” Alex says, wasting no time before stepping inside. The door closes loudly in behind her. “What was so urgent?”

She doesn't get an answer.

Before Alex has processed what's happening, Maggie has cleared the small space between them, one hand rising so her fingertips can trace across Alex's jawline.

Alex's eyes close when Maggie leans in.

This time it doesn't start out slow. Maggie's fingers slide into Alex's hair, tugging into a fist and Alex's knees go weak for a second until she steadies herself by putting her hands around Maggie's waist.

There's a fire between them now, sparked the other day and left smoldering when they'd forced themselves to stop. It had seemed like the right thing to do — and still does, if Alex is being honest. There's a small voice in her head saying that this is wrong, but it's quiet, and hard to hear over the beating of her heart in her ears as Maggie leads her towards the couch.

Alex's knees collide with the back of something solid and she falls, wind knocked out of her for a second as she hits the couch cushions. She doesn't have much time to recover before Maggie takes advantage of Alex's new position, placing a knee at either side of Alex's thighs.

Alex's head spins as Maggie pulls back, mouth instead finding Alex's neck. She can't remember how she got here, but she's not sure it's important anymore when Maggie lets out a breathy laugh.

“You know, I've been thinking about this forever,” she says, lips brushing against Alex's ear.

Alex wakes with a start.

Her eyes fly open as she lets out a slight gasp, shaking her from her sleep to stare at a unfamiliar ceiling.

 _Just a dream,_ she realizes, still-pounding heart sinking slightly in her chest. It felt so real; the hair on her neck is still standing on edge from the feeling of Maggie's lips grazing her skin there. She blinks several times to clear her vision, disoriented as her eyes try to adjust — until she feels the press of Maggie against her and remembers where she is.

She becomes aware of several things at once:

The first thing she notices is that she has moved down in the middle of the night, body sliding into the impossibly small space between Maggie and the couch cushions. The second is that this new position leaves their bodies pressed together, and the height difference between the two is suddenly apparent with Maggie's head tucked under Alex's chin, her breath warm against her neck. Maggie has curled into her, one hand on her hip, fingertips pressing into the exposed skin where Alex's shirt has ridden up.

Third: that Maggie is moving.

Their legs became tangled at some point in the night, and Alex has feeling it was her fault, if her dream was any indication — but her thoughts stutter to a stop a moment later when Maggie shifts against her again, hips grinding ever so slightly, and Alex has to suppress a sharp gasp.

She's surprised at the wave of guilt that washes over her immediately — she must have started this, right? Maggie has already expressed that she's not interested in Alex like that. And then there was the matter of that dream. She can only imagine what she'd been doing in her sleep.

Maggie's fingertips press harder into Alex's skin as she lets out another hot breath against Alex's neck, and she's reminded of the last seconds of her dream, when Maggie had whispered in her ear. Maybe this wasn't her fault, after all. Maybe Maggie had started this herself, and Alex's dream was nothing more than a normal human response to being in Alex's current position. It's not like she's exactly prone to sex dreams — she can only recall one other that she's ever remembered the next morning, and even that wasn't overtly sexual. She couldn't even see the person's face. But her dream just now had been vivid like never before.

Maggie's movements are so small they're almost imperceptible, but they're all Alex can focus on. She feels guilty for that, too — no matter who started this, it’s wrong to enjoy it. She should move. Maybe if she's careful, she can get up without waking Maggie. She could drive home, come up with some excuse to leave scribbled on a note on Maggie's counter. But that would feel worse, in a way.

She decides to slowly shift away, gentle as not to wake Maggie. Maybe if she can just put some space between them, Maggie will stop and she can just fall back asleep and forget this ever happened (not likely).

Once they're slightly detangled she can just make out Maggie's face, lit by the moonlight shining through the window. Her lips are parted and brow slightly furrowed, and Alex's breath catches in her throat as she looks at her.

Maggie is beautiful. Alex has always known that, but she’s never been as aware of it as she has been every second she’s spent with the girl since they kissed last weekend. She’s aware of it even more so now, with the pale light soft on her skin. Her fingers ache to touch Maggie again, to trail across her jaw, to thread themselves in her hair. She wonders what it would feel like to run her thumb under the pout of Maggie’s bottom lip. She’s too afraid she’ll wake her if she tries, but more importantly afraid that she’d be pushing the boundaries of their newly re-re-established friendship.

But Maggie is beautiful, and Alex knows she won’t be able to close her eyes if this is what’s in front of them for the rest of the night.

So Alex freezes, unable bring herself to pull back further. But it turns out she doesn't have to. Her movements must have stirred Maggie slightly, because she shifts, leg falling from on top of Alex's so she's lying more on her back at the edge of the couch. Alex's arm quickly wraps around her waist to secure her there.

Her heart is still hammering in her chest, and she thinks it might keep her awake for at least the next few hours. She wonders if she can survive laying awake next to Maggie until morning.

Maggie lets out a heavy sigh, relaxing into Alex's body a little further, and Alex closes her eyes her she buries her nose in her hair.

//

When Alex wakes up next, Maggie is looking at her.

She smiles when Alex's eyes meet hers. “Good morning.”

Alex blinks, not awake enough yet to prevent her gaze from dropping sleepily down to Maggie's lips. She tries to conceal it by closing her eyes again for a second as she gets her bearings.

“Hey,” she mumbles. Her voice is raspy, and she swallows against the grating feeling in her throat.

“You sleep okay?” Maggie asks, voice tinted with concern as she leans back a little. Alex's mind flashes back to her dream, but she manages to keep a straight face as she nods.

“Yeah, fine.”

She looks around the room — sunlight is filtering through the window. The television must have turned off at some point during the night, because the screen is now blank. Maggie’s body is still pressed against her own, though she’d turned back to face her at some point during the night. She wonders if she's still dreaming a second later when she realizes that Maggie must have spent the entire night by her side, and apparently didn’t feel the need to sneak away when she woke up.

Alex's brain is still slowly processing this when Maggie pulls away. “Sorry I kind of passed out on you,” she says, sitting up. “I guess I was tired.”

“It has been a long few days,” Alex admits.

_Shit, what day is it?_

She grabs her phone off the side table, groaning when she sees the time. “Fuck,” Alex says under her breath, and Maggie looks up at her, brow furrowed with concern. “No, it's nothing bad, I just — I forgot to set my alarm. I'm late for class.”

She stands up, running a hand through her hair as she looks around for what little things she brought with her the night before. It's not like it's an important class — the professor rarely, if ever, takes attendance, and she posts the notes online afterwards.

But still, the idea of skipping has always made Alex anxious, and she's not about to start now.

“How late are you?” Maggie asks, head titled, and it gives Alex pause.

“It started fifteen minutes ago,” she says.

“And it's going to take you another ten to get there from here,” Maggie points out. “That's like, a third of the class already.”

Alex squints, a small smile starting to work its way onto her face. “What are you suggesting?”

“How about you skip and I'll buy you a coffee?” Maggie smiles at her, dimples on full display. Alex isn't prepared — it's too early in the morning for her to pull her gay self together — and Maggie must take her stunned silence for uncertainty. “Hey, I'll even throw in one of those fruity danishes you like so much.”

Alex grins. “Deal.”

//

The cafe is a little crowded, so Alex goes to grab a seat while Maggie gets their breakfast. She's lucky — someone is getting up from a table tucked into the corner just as she walks over. She brushes a few crumbs off the tabletop once they're gone and sits down.

She opens her phone, noticing a text she must have missed earlier when it was set to do not disturb. It's from Kara; she sent it when she woke up earlier that morning, judging by the time stamp.

_“Omg!!! I need all the details. Dinner tonight?”_

Alex usually works Wednesdays, but Joe is back in rotation, and she only has enough hours left for one more shift this week, so she has off until the following night. She'll be home earlier than Kara in that case, since her sister's class doesn't end until four.

 _“I'll get the potstickers,”_ she writes back.

Kara has just sent back a text full of smiling emojis when Maggie sets down a cup of coffee and a brown paper bag in front of her.

“They only had cheese danishes, sorry,” Maggie says as she sits.

“Ugh, gross,” Alex says, before grabbing the bag with a grin. “They're only like my second favorite.”

“Sorry Danvers, no refunds.”

Alex frowns as she pulls something hard that's wrapped in paper out of the bag. “What is that?” she asks as she hands it over, assuming it must be Maggie's food.

“It's... it's a twice toasted bagel.” Maggie unwraps it, revealing a dark brown everything bagel. Alex laughs, then starts to say something but Maggie silences her. “One, it's just like ordering your meat well-done, okay? It's totally normal. And two, I didn't say anything about your weird sweet cheese thing, so I don't want to hear it.”

Alex pulls her lips into a tight line and shrugs, keeping quiet as she pulls her danish out of the bag. It only takes about thirty seconds of silence, Alex smiling to her self as she enjoys her breakfast, for Maggie to break.

“Okay, fine. Spit it out.”

“I just can't believe you pay people to burn your food! Steak included, by the way.”

“Oh, god.” Maggie rolls her eyes. “Please tell me you're not one of those people who get really pretentious about how other people eat their meat.”

Maggie folds her arms, pretty much confirming it for Alex. She sighs. “Okay, okay — you can order your steak well-done, but I will not sit by and watch you put ketchup on it.”

Maggie pauses, stern expression slowly turning into a smirk as she tilts her head. “You taking me to dinner, Danvers?”

Alex feels her face flush. “What? No. I mean, unless that’s something you’d want to do.” The last sentence comes out sounding more like a question. Alex quickly raises her coffee to her lips to stop them from saying anything else stupid while Maggie chuckles.

“Chill, Alex. Friends can eat dinner.”

She swallows. “They can?”

Maggie nods. “Maybe not steak — but I bet you'd hate how I eat my burgers, too.”

They eat in silence for a few minutes, Alex trying to ignore the loud crunching from Maggie's monstrosity of a breakfast, before Maggie starts up another conversation.

“It was really nice seeing Kara. I'm excited for this weekend.”

“Yeah, me too. It'll be nice to have everyone together again.”

“So Kara mentioned James coming... is that still a thing?”

Alex chews the inside of her lip, thinking. “I don't think so. I mean, they broke up because they didn't want to be in a long-distance relationship. Kara hasn't dated anyone since, but I'm pretty sure James has moved on judging by his Facebook.”

“Well this should be interesting, then,” she says, and Alex nods. Her sister is pretty mature, but she's pretty sure there's some unsettled drama between Kara and her ex. “How's Eliza?”

Alex shrugs. “She's good. Busy. We don't really talk much during the semester because she works such crazy hours, but we always make sure to see each other on holidays.”

It's not a lie, exactly. Her mother is a very busy woman, but that's not why they haven't talked much since Alex left for college. And it's not that Alex is avoiding her mother, per se. There's just a few key details about her life that she's kept from Eliza that she never quite finds the right time to reveal — particularly her sexuality. It's not like she wants to come out over Thanksgiving dinner, after all.

She realizes she's letting the conversation lull while she thinks about her mom. “And what about your parents?”

Maggie bites a large chunk out of her bagel, taking her time before she answers. When she does, her voice is a little lower. “Yeah, I uh — I don't hear from them much at all these days.”

Alex frowns. “What do you mean?”

She takes a deep breath before she starts. “I came out to them. It was the night before I left for school. I told them that they could either accept me or not, but I couldn't pretend to be something I wasn't anymore.” Maggie shrugs, but there's a downward tug at her lip that hints at a frown she's holding back, and Alex reaches out on instinct to grab her hand. Maggie looks at it, then lets out a sigh. “My dad made the choice seem easy. I haven't spoken to them since.”

Alex feels tears burning at the back of her eyes at the thought of how much that must have hurt Maggie. That's a pretty big fear of Alex's, but she knows it must have been worse for Maggie, all alone. Alex would at least have Kara in the unlikely event that Eliza had that extreme of a reaction. She wishes she could have been there — but that's something she can't say, so instead she just apologizes, hoping Maggie will understand what she means.

“God, Maggie, that's awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you.”

“It's okay. What doesn't kill you, right?”

Alex nods, squeezing her hand.

Maggie begins to smile at her before something catchers her attention over Alex's shoulder. “Shit,” she says under her breath, and Alex has a feeling she knows who has just walked in.

Sure enough, Darla is staring at them when she turns around — and she looks like she's about to cry. The blonde girl takes a step forward, then shakes her head, turning on her heel to leave.

“Shit,” Maggie repeats. “I think I should go talk to her.”

Alex tries to hide her frown as Maggie stands. “Oh, yeah — of course.”

“I'm sorry. We'll talk later, okay?”

Maggie doesn't really wait for an answer before she's backing away from the table.

“Okay,” Alex says to her retreating form, doubtful that she can hear it.

She realizes suddenly that she hadn't really gotten any of the details behind the breakup. She doesn't even know who broke up with who. The jealousy gnawing at her stomach as she watches Maggie leave makes her uneasy, but she tries not to think about it. She has no right to be jealous of her _friend's_ ex. She just hopes Maggie knows better than to take Darla back. At the very least, she knows Maggie well enough to know that that girl did not make her happy.

She waits until she's sure that Maggie and Darla probably aren't still outside until she gets up to leave, throwing away the rest of her danish on the way out.

//

Alex is just setting the table when Kara gets home from school that afternoon.

“Hey!” her sister calls cheerily as she hangs her coat. “How was class?”

“Oh, you know,” Alex says, not wanting to tell Kara that she had skipped her first one to get breakfast with Maggie. “Boring, as usual. You?”

“I had a pop-quiz in Geology.”

“Oh yeah? How’d it go?”

“Let’s just say I rocked it,” Kara says with a wink, and Alex groans.

“God. You’re the worst,” Alex says, shoving her sister.

“Um, no. That’d be you for not telling me what went down last night yet! Come on, I need to know everything.”

She waits until Kara’s is finishing loading her plate full of Chinese food before she answers her.

“It’s really nothing exciting, sorry. We just fell asleep on the couch.”

“That’s it? Didn’t you guys ‘talk’?”

Alex sighs. “Yeah. We decided we’d be better off as friends.” She shrugs, shaking her head. “Or she decided, I don’t know.”

Kara looks at her, trying to read her expression as Alex digs into her food. “And… are you okay with that?”

“It’s not like I really have a choice,” she says, examining a curious piece of pork in her lo mein. “And she’s made her point pretty clear — things are too messy between us. Besides, her and her ex are… well, I think things are more complicated then I realized at first.”

“What do you mean?”

Alex shrugs. “It just seems like it’s not really over, I guess.”

Kara chews for a moment, thinking. “I mean… you never really get over someone, you know? Like, you can accept that it’s over, but you never really forget about the feeling of loving someone. Maybe it’s just like that. Besides, it’s only been a few days. Of course there are still some feelings involved.”

Alex remembers the look on Darla’s face when she saw them holding hands, and thinks that as much as she’d like that to be the case, she has a feeling that isn’t what’s happening here.

“Yeah, maybe.”

A silence hangs between them as Kara enjoys her potstickers until Alex’s phone buzzes on the table a few seconds later.

“Ooh, is it Maggie?” Kara sing-songs, voice teasing as Alex picks it up.

She’s surprised that the answer is _yes._

_“Just letting you know — you should check your email, apparently we have an assignment due tmrw for Hughes.”_

Kara’s face falls with Alex’s. “I’m taking _that_ as a no.”

Alex shakes her head. “Actually, it is. She just texted me about some homework assignment we have that I didn’t know about that I _really_ don’t feel like doing,” Alex explains, not wanting to lie to her sister.

“Oh! You should invite her over!” Kara says, suddenly excited. “When you’re done we can watch a movie! Do we have popcorn?”

Alex hesitates. “I… really?”

“Well, don’t you want to see her?”

Alex lets out a deep breath then nods, and Kara beams.

“Good.” Before she knows what’s happening, Kara has grabbed her phone from her hands. Alex tries to chase her sister, but Kara is faster. “ _Want to come work on it at our place?’_ “ Kara reads out at she types. “Annnnd… I just sent her our location. Easy peasy!”

“Kara!” she scolds, but she can’t bring herself to really be mad. Instead she’s more interested in the three dots she can see appearing under her most recent message. Maggie is typing. “Give me that.”

Maggie’s message arrives as Kara hands it back over.

“ _Be there in an hour :)_ “

“She’s coming,” Alex says, disbelief obvious in her tone. _That was easy._

“No need to thank me,” Kara says, smiling through a mouthful of dumpling.

//

Maggie apparently isn’t a particularly punctual person, because it’s actually nearing an hour-and-a-half when she knocks on the Danvers’ door. All the anxiety Alex had felt as each extra minute ticked by melts away as soon as Maggie smiles at her from the doorway.

“Sorry I’m late — I got a little lost,” Maggie says as she steps inside.

“What, no Google Maps?”

Alex takes Maggie’s coat after she shrugs out of it.

“Nah — can’t spare the data.”

The door to Kara’s room flies open. “Maggie!”

Maggie smiles. “Hey, long time no see.”

“Would you mind if we hog the living room for a few hours to work on some homework?” Alex asks.

Kara puts her hands on her hips as she looks at her sister with a stern expression. “Alex, you know Wednesdays are my night to watch TV.”

Alex frowns. She has no idea what Kara’s talking about — Kara barely ever watches anything on TV that isn’t Netflix, and that’s hardly reserved to Wednesdays — that is until she catches her sister winking at her from behind Maggie and it clicks into place.

“Right, right, sorry.”

Kara is trying to get them alone together, for reasons that Alex probably shouldn’t be thinking about right now, but Alex knows better than to fight her on it.

She turns to Maggie. “I have a desk in my room, we could work in there if you want?”

Alex hopes Maggie doesn’t see the rather obvious thumbs up Kara flashes her when they pass through the living room.

She’s happy she made her bed that morning when she opens the door to her room and it doesn’t look like a total mess. “It’s not much, but it’s mine,” she says, gesturing to the small space. It has a full size bed — not the queen Alex would have liked, but certainly better than the twin she and Maggie used to share in high school. There’d be plenty of room for the two of them now, they’d just have to cuddle, which Maggie proved last night wouldn’t be a problem.

_Jesus, Danvers. Three seconds alone with her and you’re already thinking about the two of you sharing a bed already?”_

The thought conjures up a few images that are hardly helpful.

“Nice room,” Maggie says, interrupting her thoughts before they can start down a much more dangerous track. Alex hasn’t put much work into personalizing it, so she’s sure Maggie is just being nice, but she appreciates it nonetheless.

“You can take the desk, if you want,” she offers.

Maggie makes herself as comfortable as she can in the cramped space, putting her backpack down at her feet as she sits at Alex’s desk. It’s a pretty nice desk considering the price she bought it for off Craigslist.

“He said in his e-mail that if we’re able to get together with our group mates, handing in just one signed copy of this is okay,” Maggie explains as she pulls a folder out of her bag. She takes out a stapled packet of paper and hands it over to Alex so she can have a look.

“Weird — this doesn’t have anything to do with our group project,” Alex says as she looks through the pages.

Maggie shrugs. “I guess he wanted less papers to grade. It’s pretty simple, just a review of the first two chapters, fill in the blank style.”

Alex finishes glancing through the questions, then looks up at Maggie. “Bet you we have a quiz tomorrow. I mean, he’s basically making us have a study session right now.”

“I’ll take that bet,” Maggie agrees with a nod. She bites her lip as she thinks for a second, and Alex’s heart stutters in her chest. “How about loser buys winner that dinner you mentioned earlier?”

Alex extends her hand for a shake, which Maggie happily accepts for the second time that day. “Deal.”

//

The worksheet only takes them about an hour once they get to it, and Alex is sure to thoroughly answer each question so she can study from it later. Maggie must have been keeping up with the reading throughout the first few weeks of class — something Alex is definitely guilty of falling behind on — because she seems to know most of the answers with ease, though Alex still checks the book to get the exact wording.

In the end, it feels more like she’s quizzing Maggie.

“What were the results of the Newark foot patrol experiment?”

“It showed that increased police patrols had no effect on crime, but did increase the public’s sense of safety and also made them have a more positive view of the police.” Maggie shifts uncomfortably for what must be the tenth time in Alex’s dinky office chair as she answers. She had bought the cheapest one they had at Office Max after she found the few used ones for sale on line all had some questionable stains.

“You know, you can sit on the bed if that chair is killing you,” she points out. Maggie must be hurting, because she immediately takes Alex up on the offer and sits on the bed. What she wasn’t planning on was Maggie sitting down right next to her. She tucks her hand underneath her chin as she watches Alex write out the answer in her fine, small print.

Alex regrets the invitation for Maggie to move just a few minutes later. Maggie leans over her shoulder to read and answer the last question, which Alex is of course stuck on, and Maggie’s proximity is not making it any easier to remember her notes from class.

Though she’s pretty sure they hadn’t gone over _this._

“What the hell does a wedding cake have to do with criminal justice?” Alex groans, frustrated.

Maggie’s chuckle is close to her ear, and Alex has to hold back a shiver. “You really haven’t been paying attention in class, huh?”

She’s pretty sure she would’ve remembered if Hughes was talking about cake, but she can’t really argue. If Alex is telling the truth, she’s ended up pretty distracted during most of her classes this semester. Something _else_ seems to be on her mind constantly. But she can’t admit that, so she just shrugs.

Maggie takes the pencil from her and draws a rough sketch of a four-tiered cake.

“Anyway — it’s an analogy for the ‘informal’ justice process. The top tier of the cake is made up of ‘celebrity’ cases, the few scandalous ones that people follow in the tabloids. Those give people a distorted sense of how the criminal justice system works because they think all cases go to trial, while in reality most people plead out to lesser charges. That’s the case with the next three tiers — the majority of these cases are plead out. The second tier is obviously the second smallest. It’s for serious felonies. The third is for lesser felonies, which there are more of than the serious ones, and the bottom represents the vast majority of cases — misdemeanors.”

“Okay, I think I get it,” Alex says, then frowns. “But what does that have to do with a cake?”

Maggie snorts. “Beats me. Just memorize it.”

She sighs. “Well, if we do have a quiz, I’m betting you do way better than me. You seem to know all the answers.”

Maggie leans into her a little as she watches Alex finish making the last answer look presentable, cleaning up the cake drawing and writing a few accompanying sentences.

“Want to know a secret?” Maggie asks in a hushed voice once Alex finishes. Alex nods, suddenly nervous, but Maggie sounds even more nervous when she speaks next. “I actually already finished the assignment before you invited me over.”

Alex doesn’t think she needs to ask why Maggie had kept that particular detail to herself, nor why she’s hiding her face slightly in Alex’s shoulder after confessing it. Having a single must get pretty lonely, especially if she isn’t friends with the kids in her hall. And she’d already told her she has next to no friends at school thanks to Darla. Still, part of her hopes Maggie just wanted an excuse to see her.

“Well I appreciate the help. This definitely would’ve taken me all night,” Alex says. “And just so you know, you can come over whenever you want, you’re always welcome here. Kara loves having company, the weird little extrovert.”

Alex grumbles the last word like it’s dirty, and it makes Maggie laugh. This time, Alex can’t hide the way her shoulders tense as Maggie’s breath hits the back of her neck, Alex’s own coming out with a slight shudder.

She knew they should have stayed in the kitchen. This is exactly the sort of situation she needs to be avoiding if she’s going to make this friendship work. If she’s lucky, Maggie hasn’t already noticed the way Alex’s fists are clenched in her lap or the blush that’s probably slowly creeping down her neck. She needs to get out of here, now.

Alex turns to move, in her haste forgetting for a second just how close Maggie had gotten over the past few minutes. It brings their faces just inches from each other, and Maggie blinks in surprise before she lets out another breathy laugh.

Alex pulls back just enough to make sure Maggie doesn’t look mad. “Sorry,” she whispers when she sees that she doesn't. She’s just looking at Alex with a dazed stare, and Alex looks back, unable to bring herself move any further away from Maggie.

Maggie clears her throat after a second. “Don’t be,” she says, voice thick with something Alex doesn’t dare recognize. She exhales a deep breath through her nose and shakes her head quickly, as if trying to wake herself up. “Uh — you know, maybe we should go see what Kara’s up to. Like you said, she loves company, and I should probably get going soon.”

“Yeah, yes, of course.” Alex nods, standing quickly, slightly embarrassed by that not-so-minor slip-up. Maggie must be catching on by now to just how badly Alex has it for her after that kiss. It’s a little mortifying, especially considering that Maggie was pretty clear that she wanted to keep things between them strictly friendly… even if she is sending slightly mixed signals. Taking Kara up on her offer of popcorn and a movie is definitely for the best.

When they walk out of Alex’s room, Kara is sprawled across the couch, the sound of the reality show playing on the television just loud enough to drown out her snoring.

So much for that plan.

“Typical,” Alex says, shaking her head. There’s no waking Kara once she’s asleep, and going back into the room isn’t an option.

She’s disappointed to realize she only really has one choice for Plan B.

“I’ll walk you to your car? The parking lot can be a little creepy this time of night, like half the lights are out,” Alex offers in a whisper.

“Wow, such a gentleman.” Maggie’s smile is warm, teasing, as she nudges Alex with her shoulder before turning around to get her coat. Alex is glad she does — she misses the blush that tints Alex’s cheeks red for the next few seconds.

Alex decides to go outside in just her sweatshirt, something she regrets as soon as she’s stepped foot out of the building and her breath is puffing out visibly into the cold night air. She won’t let herself shiver, though. No, Maggie would notice, tell her to go back inside, and she knows how badly she’ll miss Maggie as soon as she’s alone again. Instead, she clenches her jaw tight to keep it from clattering in the below-freezing weather as they walk across the parking lot.

“Jesus,” Maggie says, looking at her the frost etched across her windshield once they get to her car. She opens the door, leaning in to start the engine. She turns back to Alex once it turns over. “Mind keeping me company while it defrosts? My engine should be still a little warm from earlier, so it should only take a few minutes.”

“Of course,” Alex says.

Maggie leans against her driver’s side door, and Alex joins her a second later, hoping just her nearness well help her warm up.

“This was nice,” Maggie says, nodding up at their apartment. “Thanks for inviting me over after that awkwardness this morning.”

Alex swallows, uncertain of how to respond. Friends are allowed to ask about each other’s love life, right? Besides, Maggie is the one bringing it up. “Yeah… how was that, by the way?”

Maggie snorts. “Um, fucking terrible.” She shakes her head. “I’m not really sure what I was ever doing with her, to be honest. We never really got along. She was always unhappy about something.”

Alex feels guilty about the small internal celebration she throws upon hearing that Maggie isn't longing to get back with Darla. “I mean, it’s not like there’s a lot of options out here. The real question is — why did you stay with her for so long if you were unhappy?”

“I don’t know.” The gap between them has closed, their shoulders pressed together to generate a little more heat, so Alex can feel it when Maggie sighs. “I guess I kind of have this fear of ending up alone; an unfortunate trait, since apparently I’m like, the worst person to date ever, judging by my list of jilted exes.”

It’s more candid than Alex is prepared for. She blames this next part on being caught off-guard. “That’s — that’s not true. You’re sweet, and caring, and you —“ she stops herself, realizing how bad this sounds when Maggie raises her eyebrows. Her nerves get the better of her. “I’m just saying, any girl would be lucky to have you.”

Alex wishes she could take back the rushed compliment almost immediately. She’d probably just crossed some sort of invisible line. But Maggie’s expression isn’t angry, just slightly confused as she looks up at Alex.

“Thanks. That, uh — it means a lot,” she says, voice soft. She glances back at her car’s now-defrosted windshield, and Alex realizes that several minutes have passed since Maggie started her car. “I guess I should get going.”

“Yeah,” Alex agrees. She doesn’t trust herself not to say anything else stupid to try to dig herself out of this hole. Maggie leaving is, unfortunately, a much better option.

Maggie surprises her by taking a step forward and wrapping her arms around Alex’s neck.

She remembers thinking when she’d hugged Maggie for the first time that it was unlike hugging anyone else in the world. The same is true now; their bodies mold together easily, Alex’s cheek pressing against Maggie’s, chin tucked into her shoulder. Alex isn’t sure how long the embrace lasts because her mind goes pretty much blank from the moment it starts, arms hooking around Maggie’s back on instinct and holding her tight.

It has to be a few seconds, at least, before Maggie squeezes her a little tighter. “Goodnight, Alex.” She pulls away, and Alex is not sure if it’s the cold air or something else that has Maggie’s ears turning red.

“Get home safe.”

She waits until Maggie’s taillights disappear into the night before she goes back inside.

//

Alex gets to class before Maggie Thursday afternoon.

She stays on campus in between classes to make sure she wouldn’t be late this time, finding one of the less-populated student lounges in the Humanities building to set up camp. She’s thankful she has a few quarters in her pocket to get an energy drink from a vending machine. She hadn’t been able to sleep very well the night before, going over her recent conversations with Maggie over and over again until she finally drifted off.

She packs up and leaves for class almost obscenely early considering it’s just a short walk across campus, and ends up leaning on the wall outside the classroom door for a good five minutes before the class before theirs even lets out. She waits until everyone has left the room before she walks in and decides on a seat on the end of a row in the middle on the room.

She slides her books over to the seat next to her, grateful for Hughes’ instructions to sit with their group mates from now on when Maggie shows up when almost all the other seats have filled.

“Thanks for saving me a seat,” she says as she scoots past Alex. “Traffic was brutal.”

Alex rolls her eyes, but Maggie looks content with herself as she pulls out her own copy of last night’s work. She studies her handwriting for a second before she shakes her head, turning to Alex. “Mind if we just hand yours in? I don’t think he’ll be able to read this chicken-scratch, and I _did_ draw a pretty awesome cake on yours.”

“Of course,” Alex says, sliding it over. “You study for our quiz?”

Now it’s Maggie’s turn to roll her eyes. “Please — if you’re lucky I won’t make you take me anywhere fancy when you lose our bet.”

“Like your favorite hamburger probably isn’t a quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s.”

Maggie grins. “You don’t know how wrong you are, Danvers.”

It turns out, she isn’t _that_ wrong. Hughes calls their attention to the front of the room as soon as he walks in.

“Hey, guys. I have to make this quick. I have a doctor’s appointment I couldn’t reschedule for this afternoon, so you’ll be taking a quiz. The good news is, that means I won’t be here, and you can leave afterwards. The bad news is, I’m leaving the TA’s here to watch over you, so you can’t all just ask John for the answers.”

The class laughs as the professor points at the kid who is constantly raising his hand all class, and Alex takes the opportunity to look smugly over at Maggie, who is just shaking her head.

“You win this time,” Maggie concedes in a whisper.

Alex doesn’t get to respond before Hughes’ voice is booming again. “I know, I know, first quiz of the semester. But remember from your syllabus, you can drop your lowest quiz grade, so if you’ve been slacking on the reading, this is your freebie.”

He leaves them with instructions for homework to do over the weekend before he lets the two assistants to hand out the exams. Alex had chosen seats that were relatively close to the front, so they get their tests almost immediately.

Alex stares at the page, trying to recall the answers from last night. She’d mostly just been writing down whatever Maggie had said, too distracted by the other girl’s presence to completely absorb much information.

She glances to her side and sees Maggie furiously scribbling, head bent close to the desk, and she can’t help but smile thinking of her so-called chicken scratch. However bad they look, at least Maggie seems to know all the answers, only needing to think for a few seconds before she starts to fill each one out.

Alex brings her attention back to her own page, which is blank save for her name written at the top.

 _Shit._ She hopes Maggie isn’t looking.

She skims the pages until she finds a familiar phrase in one question: the goddamn wedding cake. She figures she doesn’t really know the answers to the rest of the questions, and she might as well look busy, so she spends her time instead drawing the most intricate cake she can manage, icing and all. She makes sure to include what she can remember of the descriptions for each layer — at least she can score a few points on this quiz, right?

But once she starts down that track of thinking, she begins to remember other bits of information from last night. She _had_ been hanging on Maggie’s every word, after all, even if they were mostly about criminal justice. She finds herself able to answer a few more questions — three, to be exact, when Maggie stands up.

Alex catches her gaze as she slings her bag of her shoulder.

“I’ll text you,” Maggie mouths at her. Alex nods, happy that Maggie caught her on a page where she’d filled out something for every question.

Alex’s gaze follows Maggie as she hands in her quiz to the TA, watching until she pauses in the doorway and glances behind her, her eyes immediately connecting with Alex’s. She pauses with her hand on the door to smile, and Alex gives her a small wave before going back to trying to get enough answers together to pass this quiz.

//

She picks up a shift Thursday night so she can have the entire weekend to spend with her friends.

She regrets it when Maggie shoots her a text an hour into her shift.

_“You work tonight? I was thinking maybe I could grab a pizza and we could watch that movie with Kara…?_

Alex sighs. She would much rather be spending the night with Maggie instead of sitting in her nearly empty restaurant until eleven. At least Vasquez is here to keep her company, though she’s been pretty busy with a table for the past few minutes.

“ _Can’t, working :(“_

Alex hates to have to turn her down, but she doesn’t really have a choice.

When she gets back from tending to one of her tables several minutes later, she has two messages waiting for her from Maggie.

“ _Do you get a break?”_ and then, a minute later. “ _Want a visitor?”_

Alex can’t suppress the grin that takes over her face as she writes out a message. “ _Can you be here at eight? I get a half hour off.”_

She usually spends it eating a discounted meal in some unused corner of the restaurant, but she’d much rather be with Maggie.

_“See you then :).”_

Today, Alex is happy to find out, Maggie is punctual. She texts her to meet her outside at eight on the dot. When Alex leaves the restaurant, Maggie is sitting at the curb in a black car.

She knocks on the window, smiling at Maggie when she startles slightly before she unlocks the door. “Hey, thanks for —“ Alex pauses as she lands in her seat. “Oh my god, did you bring me food?”

She can smell the unmistakable scent of burgers and fries wafting up from a few white paper bags sitting on the floor of Maggie’s car.

Maggie shrugs. “I told you: friends can do dinner. Anywhere in particular you’d like to go to eat?”

“Would you judge me if I just said I think we should go to that back corner of the parking lot?”

Maggie grins. “I was actually kind of hoping you’d say that. These babies have been in my car for like ten minutes now, I’m starving.”

The food is from Maggie’s favorite restaurant, which apparently only serves burgers and french fries (of many delicious varieties, from the way Maggie avidly describes it). “Though for tonight I went simple and classic — two deluxe cheeseburgers.”

Alex lets out an embarrassing groan after she takes her first bite. It turns out Maggie has good taste in burger joints, despite her unfortunate need to order her meat well-done. “Jesus,” she says. “Where has this been all my life?”

“In a strip mall off the highway like five minutes from here,” Maggie replies through a mouth full of food. “Are you bored out of your mind in there?”

“Oh, no. Business is _booming_ Thursday nights,” Alex says, gesturing to the mostly empty parking-lot. Two of the cars belong to Alex and Vasquez, and at least a few more to the kitchen staff. “Thank you for saving me.”

They eat in silence for another minute or two, Alex trying not to read too much into the fact that Maggie had brought her dinner. After all, friends _can_ do dinner. But Maggie does seem determined to spend every possible free minute together — convincing her to skip class, coming over last night to do homework she’d already completed. It could all be in her head, but…

She wonders if this is just how friendship is for Maggie. Maybe things are always this… intense. Sure, there first time around they’d been inseparable, but there had been other factors in play there. Now, she’s not sure what to think.

The only concrete thing she has to work with is that Maggie wants to be friends, and nothing more. She doesn’t want the complication that is Alex.

No matter the mixed signals, she must not lose sight of that.

Alex’s break is too short for them to have much time to talk, but Maggie puts on the radio while they eat so it’s not terribly silent in the small, warm car. There’s just five minutes left when Alex finally finishes her ridiculously gigantic burger.

“You need to lose bets more often,” Alex says, leaning back in her seat with a contented look on her face.

Maggie grins. “Well when you only have a dorm kitchen, you kind of learn where the best and cheapest takeout in town is.”

“Well, I’ll save you the trouble of trying our food — it’s all greasy and overpriced.”

Maggie nods. “Actually, I found that out on my own. Darla and I came here once.”

“Really?” Alex frowns. She thinks she would’ve noticed if Maggie had shown up at her restaurant, so it must have been a night she was off. She’s pretty happy she didn’t have to wait on _that_ table.

“Yeah — she got all mad at me because she thought the waitress was flirting with me. The one with the short hair?”

“Vasquez?” Alex laughs. “No way.”

Maggie shrugs. “That's what I said, but once Darla had it in her head... let's just say it was the last time we ate here.”

 _Good thing, too_ , hangs between them.

“Speaking of — Vasquez is waiting for me to get back to go on break, so I should probably head inside.”

A sad look flashes across Maggie's face before she smiles at Alex. “Well, I hope the rest of your evening remains uneventful.”

“Thanks again for the food. I'll text you tomorrow after we pick up Winn?”

“Sounds good.”

A silence hangs between them, neither of them moving for a moment. Alex considers reaching forward and wrapping her arms around Maggie, but the middle console would make that awkward, and she doesn't want to come off as too needy. Before she can think about it anymore, Maggie decides for her.

The hug is quick, Maggie slinging one arm around her neck as she pulls her forward.

“Night, Danvers.”

“See you tomorrow.”

She's still smiling when she gets inside.

Vasquez is standing at the hostess station when she walks in. She takes one look at Alex and snorts. “So... things back on track with your 'friend?'” she asks with a wry grin.

Alex blushes. She really needs to work on her poker face.

//

Kara is practically bouncing with excitement when Alex meets her after class at Friday. She’s been texting Winn all morning, making plans for every minute they’re going to spend together over the next few days. They’re halfway to the airport when she gets another saying that they’ve landed and Kara practically squeals with joy.

They meet them outside of baggage claim, Kara catching Winn’s eye from across the airport. He’s standing with a girl a few inches taller than him, with a reserved but pleasant smile.

Alex lets Kara give him a hug before taking her turn. “Oh my god, Winn! You grew,” Alex says as she squeezes her friend tight. “Are you taller than me?”

“Five foot seven and proud, baby,” Winn says, pulling back to look at her. He looks slightly weary from travel — Winn always did get motion sickness on basically any form of transportation, and she can’t imagine flying was any easier on him. The girl by his side, however, looks completely collected as she drags a suitcase behind her.

“I would you like you both to meet my good friend, Lena Luthor,” Winn says, gesturing to the girl hanging back behind him. “Lena, these are my best friends — Kara and Alex Danvers.”

Lena’s smile is warm. “The Danvers sisters — I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s lovely to finally meet you.” She holds out a hand, which each of them take in turn.

“You too,” Kara says enthusiastically. “Winn says you’re like, a genius.”

“Oh, please.” Lena scoffs. “He’s one to talk. He’s going to be the top of our class.”

Winn shakes his head. “As if. I will proudly be the salutatorian to your valedictorian.”

Kara looks between Winn and Lena, mouth straightening into a line as she narrows her eyes. It barely lasts for a second before she’s back to a cheerful smile.

Winn calls shotgun on the ride home, so Alex shares the backseat with Lena, who seems nice enough if not a little too cool and formal, but Alex isn't exactly great at first impressions either, so she won't hold it against the girl.

She takes the opportunity to text Maggie.

“ _Hey, we have Winn and his friend Lena! When are you free?”_

Maggie responds just a minute later.

“ _Working until five. :'(“_ and then, _“I'll come right over after though. Should I grab a few pizzas?”_

“ _Yes! There will be seven of us. Maybe one plain and one supreme for Kara?”_

“ _Sure thing. Don't have too much fun without me!”_

Alex smiles, pulling her lip between her teeth as she tries to think of a clever response. She's jolted out of her thoughts by Kara calling her name from the front seat.

“Alex? You alive back there?”

Alex blinks. “What? Sorry, I was just...” she glances at her phone.

“Talking to Maggie, I know,” Kara says with a grin, a slight song in her voice.

Winn's head whips back to look at Alex. “Maggie?”

He sounds incredulous, and Alex frowns. “Yeah. She's going to bring over some pizzas once she gets off of work.”

Whatever Winn's problem is, he seems to shake it off almost immediately. “Tell her no pepperoni.”

The conversation returns to normal after that, Winn and Kara trying to cram months of catching up into one weekend, but Alex stays silent, wondering instead what had made Winn react like that. If he and Maggie had issues, she's pretty sure Maggie would've mentioned something to Alex beforehand. And it's not like he knows what happened between Alex and Maggie, right? The thought leaves her somewhat unsettled the rest of the drive home.

//

“Wow, this is so nice!” Winn says as soon as they enter the Danvers' apartment.

Kara shakes her head as she looks around the small living room. “Oh please, you don't have to be polite. It's really not much, but it's plenty of room for the two of us.”

“I think it's great,” he says, flopping with a _thud_ down on the couch. “My dorm is the size of a shoebox this year — not to mention the bugs.” He shudders. “Ugh.”

“He isn't exaggerating,” Lena chimes in as she sits down next to him. “Good thing we're moving off campus next year.”

“Oh?” Kara says, raising her eyebrows. “You guys are moving in together?”

Lena nods. “Hopefully right at the end of the semester, if we can find the right place.”

“Lena has very... particular tastes,” Winn says, earning him an eye-roll from Lena. “I'm just saying, it may take a while.”

“There are too many slumlords in our town,” she says. “You're just desperate to get away from those giant centipedes.”

Winn stiffens, eyes squeezing shut. “I said not to mention them!”

Kara excuses herself to start on some food, leaving Alex with Lena and Winn.

She barely gets a word in edgewise as the two banter back and forth, but she knows within a few seconds that she'd maybe misjudged Lena. She thinks she'll enjoy having her around for the weekend, at the very least.

When it's been a few minutes and Kara hasn't returned, Alex goes to check on her. She's in the kitchen, cutting board on the counter with a large cheese block and knife sitting on it in front of her. She expects Kara to notice her — she's always had freakishly keen senses — but instead her sister stares at her phone as she leans across the counter.

“Everything alright?” she asks after a second or two, noticing the slight frown tugging at the corners of her sister's mouth as she studies her phone.

Kara looks up suddenly, look remaining for a second before she's back to smiling with a wave of her hand.

“Oh yeah, it's just James. He and Lucy are going to be here within the hour.” Kara says. “It’s going to be a real party!”

“Lucy?” Alex frowns. The name sounds familiar.

“Oh. Lucy is his uh — James’ girlfriend. He got back together with his ex when they ended up at the same college.”

_Ah, right. The girl on his Facebook with the pretty green eyes._

“You going to be okay?” she asks in a quiet voice.

Kara puts on a brave face. “Of course.”

“Kara,” Alex says, voice gentle. “You know you don’t have to lie to me. It’s okay to be a little jealous of your ex.”

Kara sighs, shaking her head. “It’s not that I’m jealous. I mean, I guess I am, just not exactly like that. It just seems like everyone is finding love except me. James and Lucy, maybe even Winn and Lena… you and Maggie?”

“We’re just friends, Kara,” Alex reminds her, though saying it out loud puts a lump in her throat. “And so are Winn and Lena. He would’ve told you if he got a girlfriend.”

Kara bites her lip. “I hope so. I know things were weird between us for a bit back in high school but I thought we’d gotten past all of that. I just hope he hasn’t been hiding things from me all this time.”

“It'll be okay,” Alex says as she pulls her sister in for a hug. “Just talk to him.”

Kara starts to say something when they separate, but Lena pokes her head in the door way.

“Hey, anything I could help with in here?”

“Right, sorry, we're being terrible hostesses!” Kara turns to Alex, a familiar glint in her eye. “You want to go check on Winn? Lena and I can get started on the dip.”

Alex narrows her eyes at her sister, but goes along with it anyway. She trusts Kara to keep her digging friendly, at least.

She finds Winn looking at the photos displayed along their living room wall. He's stopped in front of the one of the four of them at graduation, James, Winn and Alex all wearing robes. Kara had been practically devastated when everyone left for school. Kara had called Alex in tears on more than one occasion during her first semester away.

“Hey,” she says, getting his attention. “You want anything to drink?”

“No, no. I'm good. I knew they’d get along,” Winn says, nodding to Kara and Lena, who she can see chatting in the kitchen through the cutaway window.

Alex nods, watching as her sister laughs at something Lena’s said. “Kara’s pretty dependable for that sort of thing.”

“That’s what I was counting on,” he says. “Lena needs friends.”

Alex frowns. “Friends that live a plane-ride away?”

He glances around the room. “Between you and me — Lena isn’t exactly hurting for money if you know what I mean. Her father left her a ton of cash when he died. Oh — they weren’t close,” Winn says when Alex looks sad. “He was actually kind of a jerk, actually.”

“That sucks,” she says.

“What sucks more are the things people say about her at school. There were some rumors — nasty stuff — that she’s had a hard time getting past. Some shit her ex spread.”

“Wow,” Alex raises her eyebrows. “Bad enough to make the whole school hate her?”

Winn shrugs. “I don’t know. I never asked.” He lets a beat pass. “I think Kara thinks we're dating, judging by the looks I've been getting all afternoon.”

“Well… are you?”

“What? No!” Winn says, looking shocked. “Lena’s — I mean she’s — she’s a gorgeous girl and everything, but she would never be interested in someone like me.”

Alex shakes her head. True, she can't really picture the two of them together, but she doesn't want her friend putting himself down. “C'mon, Winn. You’re underselling yourself.”

“She’s gay, Alex.”

Alex’s jaw drops. “Oh. I mean — oh.” She looks at the girl talking to her sister again, noticing for the first time the way Lena was leaning into the conversation, her smile a little too bright and laughter a little too loud.

_Right. That’s what flirting looks like. Not whatever has been going on between you and Maggie._

“Speaking of — how are things with you and Maggie?” Winn asks.

Alex frowns. _What, can Winn read minds now?_

She thinks of that awkward moment in the car, and shifts, crossing her arms and straightening her back as she looks at Winn, missing her height advantage. “What do you mean?”

She’d never told anyone what had happened between her and Maggie, and to her knowledge Maggie had gone over and above to listen when Alex told her she didn’t want to talk to her again. She’d been under the impression that Maggie hadn’t been in touch with anyone in their group of friends since high school.

“Oh — nothing. I mean. You know, things seemed… you stopped being friends pretty suddenly and I just figured there had to be _some_ sort of —“

“Winn,” Alex warns, taking a step into his personal space. “What do you know?”

He’s easy to break. “Okay, okay, jeez. Maggie and I — we talked a lot, back then, when the two of you were… well, whatever it is you were.”

Alex swallows. _Great_ — another person who knew about what a mess she was back then. There’s no way that Winn hasn’t judged her for the way she behaved, the way she’d treated Maggie. At least she can be glad Maggie didn’t go through all that alone.

She sighs. “I don’t know how much she told you about it all. It was complicated, and I was an idiot, but… We’ve kind of reconnected recently, actually,” she says.

“That's good to hear,” he says, but his face indicates otherwise, brows furrowed. “Mind if I ask how?”

Alex decides to skip all the dramatic details. “We have a class together.”

“What? No, that's impossible.”

“Impossible?” Alex raises her eyebrows, and Winn's eyes widen as he audibly swallows.

“No, not impossible! Just really unlikely. I mean, it's a huge campus right?” Alex's face remains unchanged, and Winn knows he can't backpedal out of this. He sighs. “Look, you can't tell her I told you, alright? She just didn't want to have any... awkward run-ins.”

“What do you mean?”

“She kind of had me make sure the two of you wouldn't share any classes. You know, with my skills?” He mimics typing on a keyboard, and Alex would be amused if it weren't for what he had just confessed to.

She had no idea Maggie had gone to such lengths to avoid her.

Alex blinks, suddenly unable to look at Winn. She instead glances back at the graduation picture on the wall, remembering vividly how hard that day had been with the feeling of Maggie's eyes on her through the whole ceremony.

Alex wouldn't even look at her.

Winn squeezes her arm, getting her attention. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. It's all in the past, now, right? You said you guys are reconnecting? Have you... you know, talked?”

Alex nods. “Yeah. Plenty,” she says, not adding in that it hasn't really cleared much up for her.

Maggie doesn't like her that way anymore, and even if she by some miracle _did_ , she said that things between them wouldn't work. Alex knows that, but the past week has been like a blast from the past. It's like she's in high school all over again, constantly checking for texts whenever their apart and counting down the hours until she gets to see her again, even if it's just in class. And Maggie seems to want to spend every available minute with her, too. But Alex knows it can't be like it was back in high school, because as much as she would have denied it at the time, what they had was more than friendship. And now, Maggie just wants a friendship.

Alex is at a bit of a loss.

“Good. Talking is good.” Winn nods, clearly feeling awkward as the conversation lulls between them, unsure if he's crossed some sort of line.

Alex sighs, taking a step back. “Don't worry, Schott. I won't tell her you told me about the whole hacking into our university thing — which, by the way, is actually pretty impressive, legality aside.”

Winn's signature bright smile returns. “Eh, it was nothing.”

She's wondering how people as smart as Winn exist in the world when just this morning she had to watch a professor struggle for five minutes just to open a YouTube video when there's a loud knock at the door.

Alex glances down at her watch, heart jumping into her throat when she sees it's a few minutes after five.

“I'll get that!”

But when Alex opens the door, it's not Maggie, but James is standing on the other side with a bottle of wine and a warm smile. “Alex!” he says, moving forward immediately to hug her. “It’s been too long.”

Alex has to stand on her tip-toes to hug him back, but it’s worth it; James is a great hugger.

She turns to the girl standing behind him. “And you must be Lucy?”

The brunette is a few inches shorter than Alex, and is somehow even prettier in person than she looked in James’ profile pictures. She smiles as she sticks out her hand. “Lucy Lane.”

“Alex Danvers. Nice to meet you.”

“James!”

Alex and Lucy jump out of the way as Winn bowls into his friend, arms flinging around him as he practically pounces on the taller man.

“Since when are the two of you such good friends?” Alex asks, tilting her head as she observes them.

James grins. “Winn and I have been playing Left 4 Dead together pretty much every day since we graduated high school.”

“Winn! It’s so nice to meet you in person and not just the voice coming through James' speaker,” Lucy says, stepping forward to offer Winn a hand the same way she had to Alex. Winn shakes it excitedly.

Alex almost closes the door when she hears footsteps coming up the stairs. Maggie rounds the corner a second later, two boxes of pizza stacked in her arms. She smiles as soon as she sees Alex.

“Someone order delivery?”

Alex stomach grumbles in response, unhappy that she chose to skip lunch before heading to the airport. “You're my savior,” she says, reaching out to take the boxes as soon as Maggie's at the doorstep. “How was work?”

Maggie rolls her eyes. “Boring. Believe it or not, no one is really into spending their Friday nights in the library.”

“Maggie, hey!” James wears a warm smile when he notices them in the doorway. “It's been years. How are you?”

He reaches down for a quick hug, and Alex takes the opportunity to bring the boxes of pizza into the kitchen. She's not surprised when Kara follows right behind her, opening a box as soon as Alex sets them down on the counter.

“So... things going okay between you guys?” Kara asks in a hushed voice.

Alex glances over to where Winn and Lena have now joined Maggie and James. They're involved in their own conversation.

“Yeah,” Alex answers. “I mean, things are actually really good. It's confusing.”

Kara frowns. “It's confusing that things are good?”

Alex grabs a slice of plain, biting into it while she thinks. She gets distracted for a moment when Maggie laughs at something James' said, and Kara is grinning at her when she looks back. “We've kind of just jumped back into things. And I know that's what I wanted, but it... it feels too much like _before_ , except this time I know how I feel about her.”

“Don't you think you should tell her that?” Alex shakes her head. “You shouldn't just let yourself get hurt, Alex.”

“But it doesn't all hurt. In a way it feels great,” Alex says, looking back up to where Maggie stands in the hallway. “I've missed her so much and I don't want to lose her again.” Her words come out choked, and she's surprised to find she's blinking back tears. This is _not_ how this night is supposed to go. She takes a deep breath as she turns around to pour herself a cup of soda.

“You won't lose her,” Kara says, but Alex pretends not to hear, instead focusing on the task at hand. When it's clear she's not going to respond, Kara sighs. “I just think you should talk to her.”

Alex turns back around. “And I think you should talk to Winn.”

Kara sighs. “Point taken.”

“Oh my god, when did pizza get here?” Winn shouts from across the apartment. He's across it in a few quick steps. “I'm starving.”

“Me too,” Lucy says, appearing behind him.

Kara eyes their small dining table — plenty of room for the two of them, but not much more. “Let's eat in the living room,” she decides, picking up the boxes. “Alex, can you get the paper plates?”

Maggie saves her a seat next to her on the couch, though it's crammed with so many people in the small apartment, and James and Winn both opt for the floor. They catch up over dinner — who's majoring in what, working where, and dating who. Kara looks visibly relieved when Lena and Winn both say they're single.

Sometime after the last slice of pizza is long gone Kara jumps out of her seat.

“Oh, I almost forgot!” She darts into her bedroom and emerges a few seconds later with a stack of board games. “I ordered a few of the top recommended games off Amazon.”

Winn is excited. “Oh my god, you got Resistance? That's like, my favorite one! It totally destroys friendships, but that's okay.”

Winn explains the rules — three of them will randomly be selected to be spies and have to sabotage the “missions,” which are basically just the five rounds the game is played in. If a spy is sent on a mission they have the option of failing it, which means the spies win that round. If the mission passes, the resistance wins. Whichever team takes the majority of rounds by the end of the game, wins.

“Simple, right?” he asks after he's done. He's met with blank stares. “Well, you'll get it once we start playing, I promise.”

He's right. The game is simple enough, with very little actual gameplay. The majority of it is spent talking, trying to convince each other of their innocence. The box says it should only take a half hour to play, but by the time they reach round five it's been more than an hour and they're stuck on choosing the last team.

“Two rounds for the resistance, and two for the spies. It all comes down to this,” Winn says. “Alex, it's your turn to pick the team. You have to get all four resistance members or we'll lose!”

Alex looks at all of them one-by-one, eyes finally landing on Maggie.

“Convince me you're not a spy,” she says, voice stern.

Maggie laughs, but then stops when Alex remains serious. “Wait, really? I was in the first round with you, we passed the mission!”

“Yeah, but you could have been faking it, trying to throw us off your scent,” Alex points out. “And you, James and Kara were on the second mission and that one failed.”

“That's why I've been saying it's one of them this whole time,” Maggie insists. “Alex, come on, you'd know if I was lying. Kara too, for that matter. And James was on the other failing mission.”

Alex tightens her mouth into a line. “I don't know,” she says, leaning in close. “Look me in the eye and tell me you're not a spy.”

“We have to get all four resistance members on this mission, so if you don't put me on your team then the spies will win because I am definitely a _not a spy.”_

Her words are convincing, but she doesn't hold Alex's gaze, eyes flitting downward as she speaks. If Alex didn't know any better she'd say Maggie is staring at her mouth, but that's not likely, so that only means...

“I don't believe you,” she announces after a moment of thought. “I think I'm going to have to go with me, Lucy, Kara and Lena.”

“What?!” Winn says. “I've barely been on any missions, you have to take me!”

“Winn, we went on a mission just you and me and it _failed._ Why would I take you? And why would you want to go with me anyway, because if you're resistance, you wouldn't want any mission to pass with me on it.”

Winn open and closes his mouth, realizing he'd backed himself into a corner. “Good point.”

“Let's put it to a vote,” Kara suggests.

Maggie and Winn reject it — a good sign, in Alex's eyes — but the mission passes with a majority.

“Alright, I guess the mission is a go,” Maggie says.

“Yes!” Winn shouts suddenly, jumping out of his seat. “Spies win!” He grabs his card, revealing it to the group, and turning to high-five Lucy, who gets a surprised look from James.

Alex turns to Maggie, who is holding up her resistance member card.

“You weren't the third spy?” Alex asks. She was _sure_ Maggie was hiding something. “Then wait, who was...”

Kara grins, flipping over her card to reveal a spy character. “Got you.”

Alex's mouth drops. “What? No way! You're like the worst liar I've ever met.”

“Nope,” Kara says. “I've had you fooled all this time — I'm actually an excellent liar. Part of that just means making you believe I suck at it.”

“The long con, I like it,” Winn says, giving her a high-five as well before he lets out a loud yawn, and Alex glances at her phone.

It's getting late, and it's not like they have a particularly early day planned tomorrow, but they should probably get some sleep if they want to have plenty of time to show their friends the city.

_Wait a second._

“Uh — Kara?” Alex says, taking a mental tally of the number of people in the room. “What exactly are our sleeping arrangements for tonight?”

“Oh, um, let’s see…” Kara thinks for a moment, then frowns. “That’s a good point.”

“I have a pretty comfy couch at my place if anyone needs it,” Maggie says.

Alex raises her hand slightly. “I can vouch for that. In fact, I wouldn’t mind sleeping on it tonight and letting someone else have my bed. It’s a full, so you and Lucy can probably fit on it comfortably,” she says to James.

“We’re still one too many,” Kara points out. She's right. Winn and Lena can hardly share their small living room couch.

Maggie turns to Alex. “What if you stay with me, Danvers? That’ll free up my couch.”

 _Stay with her? Like in her room?_ Alex swallows. _That’s a terrible idea._

“That’s a great idea!” Kara exclaims. “That solves everything.”

Alex blinks as she looks at Maggie. She has to know that this isn’t going to end well, right? Maybe Alex is being pessimistic — after all, they’d managed to sleep through the night together on a couch without getting into _too_ dangerous of territory. A bed might be even easier to manage, even if it is one of those dorm-standard extra-long twins. Who knows — maybe Maggie will have a bunk, though a part of her really hopes that that’s not the case.

Alex nods. “Yeah, okay. Sounds good.”

“I claim Maggie’s certified comfy couch,” Winn says, stepping up next to Maggie.

“And you’re of course welcome to our’s, Lena.”

Alex goes to grab a few things in her room. She takes a pair of pajamas and shoves them in her backpack along with a few toiletries.

Kara walks in just as she's zipping up the bag.

“So... I've decided to talk to Winn,” Kara announces quietly. “Even though they're not dating, my reaction to thinking they were means that there's something else bugging me, and I probably won't figure out what until we talk.”

Alex swallows. It's not like they had made a deal... but if Kara is brave enough to talk to Winn, shouldn't she be able to tell Maggie how she's feeling? She owes her friend that much, right? After all, Maggie had been honest about her feelings at a time when it took a lot of courage to do so. It's Alex's turn.

“Okay,” she says, nodding slightly. “I'll uh — I'll try to talk to Maggie, too.”

Kara smiles. “I was hoping you'd say that.” She reaches out for a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around Alex. “Let me know how it goes, okay?”

Alex nods as she pulls away. She's going to have to do this tonight before she chickens out of it. “Tomorrow,” she promises.

They meet their friends back in the living room and say their goodnights, all exchanging hugs before Alex, Maggie and Winn make their way out into the cold night air.

Alex offers to drive so Maggie's beater doesn't have to make the trek twice. She's surprised when Winn doesn't call 'shotgun' this time and instead decides on the backseat. She understands his motivations though when he stretches out across the back seat. He's snoring by the time they hit the highway.

“I guess someone is jet-lagged,” Maggie whispers. Winn lets out a particularly loud snort, and she claps a hand over her mouth to keep herself from laughing. It doesn't get better when Winn keeps at it. “God, I can't listen to this the whole way home. Mind if I put on some music?”

“Not at all,” Alex says, reaching for the aux cable in the cupholder between them. But with her eyes on the road she doesn't see that Maggie has apparently already found the cord, and Alex's fingers wrap around her hand instead. She freezes, heart jumping into her throat for a brief moment before she pulls away quickly.

“Sorry — did you want to play something?” Maggie asks.

Alex is glad it's dark so Maggie can't see her blushing. “No, no — it's fine, I always choose the music. It'll be nice to hear something new.”

Maggie searches for a few minutes, then puts on a quiet song before adjusting the speakers so they're only playing in the front. Winn is unbothered, if his snores are any indication.

The singer's voice is almost haunting as he sings about some lost love, and Alex wonders if she's supposed to be paying attention to the lyrics. It's silly — Maggie is probably just playing some random songs — but she still finds herself searching for a message in them.

“This is one of my favorite albums,” Maggie says after the first song is over. “It really tells a story if you listen to the words.”

The first song is the saddest and slowest, and the rest are much more upbeat but still have that quality to them — a yearning for something he knows he shouldn't want — that leaves Alex somewhat breathless as they listen and ride in silence.

Maggie turns around to shake Winn as they near her building, and Alex turns down the volume as they pull into the quiet parking lot. Winn practically drags himself out of the car, eyes half open as he shuffles behind them up the stairs and into Maggie's room. She makes quick work of the couch, grabbing a spare pillow and blanket.

“Good night,” Winn mumbles sleepily as he tucks himself in.

Alex stands in the living room, staring at Maggie's bedroom door. She can't really do this, can she? She's supposed to just walk in there and tell Maggie how she feels and hope for the best? Sharing a bed will certainly be awkward after that.

It's only been a week since they'd had _the talk_. Maybe she should give it more time. Maybe she'll get better at this whole just being friends, thing.

But then she thinks of Kara — not just of telling her that she'd chickened out, but also about what she'd said earlier.

_You shouldn't let yourself get hurt._

She's right; putting this off will only make it hurt more in the end. She can't let herself fall for her friend, and if that means talking to Maggie about this now, then Alex is just going to have to force herself through it.

“You coming, Danvers?” Maggie is standing in her bedroom doorway, waiting for Alex.

Alex takes a deep breath through her nose. _It's now or never._

She nods, then follows Maggie into her room. Alex leans against the door as she shuts it behind her, and the silences hangs between them for a second before she takes a step forward.

“I think we —“

“So I — “

They both start speaking at the same time, and after a moment of awkwardness they both break into nervous laughter before Maggie starts again. “Sorry, just — can I go first? Because if I don't say this now, I don't know if I'm going to be able to.”

What few things Alex had planned to say fly out of her mind at Maggie’s words, particularly at the way she nervously glances at Alex’s lips as she worries her hands in front of her.

Her heart picks up speed, but she tries to keep her expression neutral as she nods. “Yeah, of course.”

Maggie takes a step back, rubbing her hands together as she thinks. “It’s just that I’ve noticed that you’ve been… well, looking at me,” she says. Alex feels herself flush at the accusation, but Maggie doesn’t seem mad. In fact, she’s smiling. “I know, that probably sounds like I’m full of myself, but you’re not exactly subtle, Danvers,” she says, nose scrunching. Maggie walks towards her, voice suddenly soft. “And if we’re being honest I’ve been looking at you, too.”

“You have?” Alex squeaks out, stomach flipping.

Maggie smirks. “Come on. You really haven’t noticed?”

She has, if she’s being _honest_ , but she didn’t want to get her hopes up over Maggie’s lingering looks — old habits and all, and she can hardly blame Maggie for that. And sure, they’d reminded her of the way things were between them all those years ago, but Maggie had made perfectly clear that she wasn’t interested in revisiting that particular time in her life.

Or at least, that’s what Alex thought.

But Maggie’s eyes are still trained on Alex’s mouth, and the air between them is thick in the same way it was last weekend before Alex had lost control and kissed Maggie. This is going downhill fast, and she’s not sure whether or not she can stop it this time. But Maggie doesn’t seem too concerned, teeth catching her bottom lip as her she drags her gaze up to Alex’s eyes.

Alex tries to keep her breathing steady as Maggie regards her.

“It’s just — at first, when we reconnected, I really thought I could set aside everything that happened between us before. And I still think its best for us to try to do that, but… what if we can’t until we… I don’t know.” Finally, Maggie sighs. “Maybe we should just.... get it out of our systems?”

Alex’s mouth opens and closes. _Get it out of our systems?_ That can’t possibly mean what she thinks it means, right?

“Out of our systems?” she repeats, voice squeakier than she’d like it to be.

“You know,” Maggie says, a nervous smile quirking at her lips. The way she gestures between them is vague, but it’s enough to make Alex’s heart pound in her ears.

 _Get it out of our systems. Right_.

Maggie takes a step closer, coming within just an inch or two from Alex before she stops. Everything in Alex is urging her forward, daring her to close that gap, but she’s frozen by a feeling of uncertainty that she doesn’t quite understand.

She swallows. “Just once?”

Maggie nods. “Just once. I mean, it’d give us like, closure or whatever, right?”

_Closure. Right._

Alex knows that if she’s being honest, she’d have to admit that deep down that once she crosses this line it’s going to be nearly impossible for her to go back. How could _just once_ ever be enough with Maggie? But having her just for one night would be better than nothing, and nothing is what she has right now. At the very least, she knows she can’t go on like this; this past week has been torture.

Maggie sways ever so slightly towards Alex as the seconds tick by. The space between them is almost imperceptible now, a current of electricity buzzing in the fraction of an inch separating them. She’s aware of every rise and fall of Maggie’s chest, every flutter of her eyelashes as she watches Alex through hooded lids.

In the end, Alex realizes she doesn’t have much of a choice. She can’t stop herself — they’re way past that point — and she’d be lying if she said she wants to.

Alex nods, their noses almost brushing as she does so.

“Okay.” Maggie is so close that she doesn’t need to speak above a whisper.

It’s all the confirmation Maggie needs before she stands on her toes, fingers grasping at the taller girl’s collar to pull herself forward upwards to meet Alex’s lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> (if you have a minute bug me on Tumblr to update @aka-patsywalker)


	12. give into the game (to the sense that you've been hiding)

The world slows to a stop when Maggie kisses her.

Alex wonders for a second if she's dreaming again.

This can't actually be happening. Alex knows she doesn't get this lucky, ever, and she's more than spent her chances with Maggie at this point. So this has to be another dream, right?

The soft slide of Maggie's lips against hers and the shivers running down Alex's spine with each move of the other girl has her doubting that theory. But she'd been fooled once before. Maybe she fell asleep on the car ride home. Maybe she'll come to any moment to Maggie shaking her awake in the passenger seat — but no, that can't be right. She drove here, not Maggie, and unlike in her dream she can remember every moment that lead up to this one.

She remembers the promise she'd made herself before she'd walked into this room to talk about whatever it is that's been happening between them. She remembers how quickly that plan had gone out the window — all it took was Maggie biting her lip and looking at Alex like _that._

She remembers the way Maggie's voice had dropped as her eyes settled on Alex's mouth; how her heart had fallen with it, leaving her chest tight and her lungs suddenly unable to take in any air as Maggie grabbed her by her shirt and pulled her in.

Alex is brought back to the moment by Maggie's fingers tracing up the nape of her neck, running through her hair, standing on her toes to lean into the kiss.

_Definitely not a dream._

Her eyes shut, Alex lets herself feel every movement of the shorter girl — Maggie's fingers as they scrape against her scalp, her body pressing against Alex's, their noses brushing together before her tongue slips into her mouth. Her head swims for a second until Maggie breathes out a barely audible moan against her lips, causing her heartbeat to finally come rushing back with a loud _thud_ in her chest that reverberates through her entire body.

She doesn't feel in control of her own hands as they rise to mirror Maggie's, cupping just below her jaw to draw her in, suddenly needing to be closer. It's not enough, so she moves to tug at the leather jacket Maggie is still wearing until it's sliding off and onto the floor.

It occurs to her that this is it — this is the only time she'll get the chance to be like this with Maggie, that she has to memorize every second. It's getting harder to do as each one passes though, more dizzying than the last.

Maggie's fingers dig into her hips, the pressure of her thumbs catching against her skin making her groan. Maggie uses her grip to guide Alex backwards until her back collides with the door. Alex is all too aware of the noise, but can't force herself to pull away to remind Maggie they have to be quiet.

Her hands don't leave Alex's waist, pulling at the edge of her shirt until it's riding up her back. Maggie's fingers dance across the exposed skin before her thumbs hook against Alex's hipbones and she presses her against the hard, cool wood of the door, making her shiver.

Overwhelmed, Alex pulls away to gasp in a much-needed breath.

She doesn't want to open her eyes, afraid that she's broken the spell and Maggie will once again realize what a bad idea this all is. A second passes, then two, and she feels more than hears Maggie let out a shuddering exhale, and she can't help but want to look.

Maggie's lips are slightly swollen, parted as she watches Alex with dark eyes.

“This okay?” she asks, out of breath.

Alex kisses her this time, wrapping her arms over Maggie's shoulders to bring her in close.

She wants this, no matter how bad it'll feel tomorrow when they have to go back to being just friends.

This is Maggie; it will be worth it.

She's vaguely aware of Maggie fumbling with something to her side — the doorknob, she decides when she hears the lock click into place — and then her hands are back, this time pushing Alex's shirt higher so her fingers dig in under her ribcage.

Now that they've established for sure that they're about to cross this line, everything becomes more urgent. Alex pulls Maggie's lower lip into her mouth, teasing it for a moment with her tongue and causing Maggie to moan into her again. She's quickly becoming addicted to that noise, she decides.

Maggie scrapes her nails against Alex's sides and it feels like she's on fire, skin burning everywhere Maggie's fingers have grazed, blood rushing in her ears. As if reading her mind, Maggie breaks the kiss to grab the bunched up fabric of Alex's shirt and pull it easily over her head.

The cool air is welcome, but it does little to stop the heat spreading from her stomach. Maggie blinks at her, eyes tracing over her shoulders, teeth sinking into her lip as her gaze drops lower. Alex holds her breath until Maggie leans in, this time turning her head so her lips land on Alex's jaw. She kisses her way up to Alex's ear, and now it's her turn to grip at Maggie's shirt as her mouth wraps around Alex's earlobe.

“Oh,” Alex's breath hitches as she exhales, trying her best to stay quiet. Her eyes squeeze back shut, her head thumping against the door as her hips jolt forward. Maggie reaches down to hold them still before she pulls away from Alex's ear with a slight nip, using her new grip to start to roll her body against Alex's, holding her just far enough away to have her pushing forward for more.

When her lips drop down to Alex's pulse point, she can't help but let out a real moan into the quiet apartment.

“Sh,” Maggie reminds her in a whisper, breath tickling underneath Alex's ear. She lets out a low, breathy laugh that has the hairs on the back of Alex's neck standing on edge despite the blush burning its way across her chest. She's not exactly known for being smooth in the bedroom (with the few people she's actually slept with), but she usually manages to keep it together better than _this._

_Get your head in the game, Alex._

She pushes off the door, hands dropping to Maggie's hips as she walks her backwards. Maggie makes a strangled noise of surprise, and Alex takes advantage, using the opportunity to deepen the kiss.

She needs tonight to be about Maggie, not her. She has to make this good.

Maggie stumbles a little, and Alex realizes she been a bit too focused on Maggie when they'd first entered the room to take note of how it was laid out. She's thankful when Maggie's knees hit the bottom of her twin-sized bed and they fall backwards together. She manages to catch herself with her palms, breaking the kiss and leaving her hovering above Maggie. She presses their foreheads together, taking a moment to try to catch her breath. It's useless; she's too aware of the feeling of Maggie's own labored breathing beneath her, the constant reminder of where they are and what they're doing making it impossible to gain back control over her lungs.

When Maggie leans up to kiss her again Alex decides air is overrated.

It's different, being on top of Maggie. Their bodies are pressed flush together, no space between them unlike the teasingly fleeting pressure of Maggie's hips just a few seconds ago. Alex can feel every inch of her, and somehow she still needs more.

Maggie chases her when she pulls away, but Alex tilts her head so she can kiss her way down Maggie's jaw. Her hands trail up Maggie's sides, earning her a shudder, before they find the buttons of Maggie's top. Her fingers are sure as she unhooks the first few, but she grows impatient halfway down. She drops her lips down to Maggie's neck, kissing softly until she lands on the spot she's looking for. She knows she's found it when Maggie groans, just loud enough for Alex to hear, and she smiles against her skin before her tongue darts out to press against Maggie's pulse point, lips wrapping around it a second later.

Maggie's hands land on Alex's back, nails squeezing into her skin as she gasps. Alex wishes they were alone somewhere, that their only time together didn't have to be with their friend sleeping in the other room, limited to hushed exclamations. But she'll take what she can get — and she's determined to hear that noise a lot tonight, hushed or not.

Alex resumes her work on Maggie's shirt, using one hand to undo the buttons to reveal a plain black bra while her other pushes the fabric to the side so she can kiss lower.

“Jesus, Danvers,” Maggie breathes out, and Alex glances up to see her head pressed into the bed, eyes closed. Maggie's mouth drops open as she kisses along her collarbone, and Alex tries to memorize the way her eyebrows pinch together when she rocks her hips downwards experimentally.

This time Maggie doesn't make a sound, though her lips move as if she wants to for a second before she secures the bottom one between her teeth. She responds to the pressure almost immediately, finding a quick rhythm with Alex's as they begin to move together.

The angle isn't as good as it was against the door, and Alex finds herself growing frustrated after just a few seconds. Maggie must notice, her hands falling down Alex's back until fingers are splayed across the back of her jeans, gripping into the fabric. She pulls Alex into a better position and begins to move.

Alex's head falls against Maggie's shoulder, hand finding purchase against Maggie's hip bones as the smaller girl grinds up into her. She follows her lead, unsure of how they had switched roles so suddenly. She was supposed to be in control here, not Maggie — but now it's Maggie whose lips are pressing quick teasing kisses against Alex's neck, her hands dragging up her back until she's found the clasp of Alex's bra, undoing it with a quick tug.

Alex shrugs off the straps, suddenly eager to remove the garment, and once she's free of it she throws it to the side. She expects Maggie to want to touch her, but her hands stay on Alex's shoulders, pulling her back in for another kiss.

Maggie's nails drag down Alex's freshly exposed back, and Alex drives her hips down harder. It barely has any effect through the thick denim of her jeans, but combined with the sting of a Maggie's nails as they dig into the skin and the new feeling of her breasts brushing against Maggie's soft stomach, it leaves Alex gasping for air.

Maggie leans up on her elbows so she can look at her, and Alex pauses as their gazes meet, taking in the sight in front of her — Maggie, half-undressed and hair tussled, lips swollen and shining in the dimly lit room — and _god_ she doesn't want to look away. But Maggie moves to sits up further until Alex is straddling her lap, and when Maggie's hands reach around to remove her own bra, Alex's gaze falls.

Maggie is beautiful, but Alex can't tell her that — that's not what this is about. Tonight can't be soft or sweet. Tonight isn't about feelings; it's about closure.

And she doesn't know where to start.

Alex has been with one other woman before, but that was nothing like this. She barely knew that girl — she'd gone on a few dates with her at Kara's insistence, and they only ended up sleeping with each other a few times before it fizzled. The sex wasn't bad, but it felt nothing like _this_ , and they had barely started touching each other yet. Alex wants to kiss every inch of Maggie's skin she sees, to spend every minute until morning finding new ways to make Maggie feel good.

Maggie tilts her head as Alex stares for just a minute too long, the beginning of a smirk tugging at her lips, so Alex leans in to kiss it off of her.

Alex uses a hand on her back to guide Maggie onto the bed, pressing her body into Maggie's against the firm mattress. Her fingers trace up her ribcage, smiling into the kiss at the feeling of Maggie's breath, catching with each graze. When Alex's fingertips brush against the soft skin just under her nipple Maggie shudders, and Alex decides she doesn't want to take this slow, even if they have all night.

She quickens the pace of their kiss, palm rising to fully cup Maggie as her thumb passes over her nipple. Maggie breaks away from her, forehead clumsily knocking into Alex's as she pulls in a sharp gasp of air. Alex's mouth drops open as she watches Maggie, mesmerized by the effect she's having on her.

She doesn't take her time on her way down Maggie's neck this time, pausing for only a quick nip at the same spot on Maggie's collarbone before her mouth finds the top of Maggie's breast. Maggie's fingers urgently thread their way through Alex's hair, giving her only a moment to enjoy the sweet skin before she's guiding Alex lower.

When Alex's mouth closes over her nipple, Maggie bucks into her. She rolls her tongue against the hardening bud and Maggie closes her eyes with a soft sigh as she presses her head back into the bed. Her hands find Alex's waist, fingers squeezing there for a moment as she pulls Alex slightly forward before rocking her hips upwards again. This time she moans when she presses herself against Alex's thigh.

It all kind of becomes a blur from there, Alex quickly losing track of the mental notes she'd promised to etch in her memory. Maggie's hands are guiding her hips down, eagerly rising up to meet her. It feels somewhat appropriate, that they're going at it like high schoolers. It is what they missed out on, after all.

When Alex opens her eyes next she sees Maggie's hands, shaking slightly as they reach down for the button of Alex's pants. Her brow is furrowed, lips parted as she concentrates on undoing the clasp, frowning when it catches on the fabric.

“Here,” Alex says, and Maggie jolts at the sound of her voice. She pushes herself up, standing at the foot of the bed for a second while she slides her pants down. She then reaches forward for Maggie, who scoots down until Alex can reach her. Her hands are less steady now as they undo the buttons of Maggie's jeans, slower as they pull down the fabric over Maggie's hips — the denim clings there, resisting for a moment, making Alex tug to get them off.

Maggie's tongue darts out to wet her lips as she looks at Alex, chest heaving. She doesn't think anyone has ever looked at her this way, has wanted her this much, and it makes her feel like she's entering uncharted waters.

Alex does her best to take her time as she climbs back onto the bed, each knee coming to a rest on either side of Maggie's thighs. Maggie's hands find her immediately, tracing up her legs until they reach the divots of her hips, thumbs hooking just slightly under her underwear to touch her bare skin. Their eyes remain locked until Maggie pulls her down so Alex is straddling her thigh.

Alex closes her eyes, her head dropping backwards as she begins to move. When she leans forward again, her hands land on Maggie's shoulders and Maggie's hands slide around and down, gripping her ass through her underwear to hold Alex steady as she rides her.

Alex moans at the feeling, and Maggie leans up to silence her, a hand twisting into her hair.

But kissing becomes hard quickly, Alex having to pull away every few second to pant out a breath. When Maggie flexes her thigh beneath her, she gives up on being able to kiss back, her head dropping to Maggie's forehead and then her shoulder as her movements become deliberate.

“Fuck, Alex,” Maggie groans, voice straining, fingers dragging down Alex's back, the sound of her name leaving Maggie's lips, raw and desperate, making her gasp.

It comes over her all at once, an unstoppable force running through her. Alex cries out as she grinds her hips down with a shudder — once, twice — losing her rhythm as she comes undone.

Maggie encourages each of Alex's jagged movements with hands on her waist, matching Alex's uneven pace. “ _Fuck_ , Alex,” she repeats again after Alex has stopped moving. Alex laughs, dropping her head back against Maggie's shoulder.

“Sorry,” she says, blushing as she begins to realize what she's just done. Now _that_ was really high school. She thinks that she should be more embarrassed, but there's something about the way Maggie is smiling up at her that sets her at ease.

“Don't be,” Maggie says, tucking a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. She shifts her hips and Alex has to close her eyes again as another shudder takes over her. “Are you okay to keep going?”

Alex looks down at Maggie. “Yeah.”

Maggie wraps her arms around Alex's neck, pulling herself up. “Good.”

Alex is on her back before she even realizes that Maggie is moving. The untouched side of the mattress is cool, and she shivers as Maggie leans in to kiss her.

Maggie had apparently been restraining herself, she decides, because once she's on top of Alex her whole demeanor changes. Her kisses are more harsh, her hands more adventurous, and Alex finds herself closing her eyes and losing herself to the feeling as Maggie indulges herself in her. She kisses her neck, her shoulders, her chest, her stomach — Alex is beginning to lose track when Maggie detours from her naval after swirling her tongue around it, dropping a few short pecks on her way down to Alex's hipbone. Her tongue darts out against the skin there and Alex groans, head falling back onto the mattress as Maggie's fingers begin to tug at the hem of her underwear so she can kiss just a little lower, and —

Someone is knocking at the door.

“Maggie?”

It's Winn, Alex realizes, suddenly remembering that their friend has been asleep on the couch this whole time. He knocks again, raps light but urgent.

“Shit,” Maggie says, and Alex worries for a moment but she's laughing as she pushes up off of Alex. “Hold on.”

It takes Alex a few minutes to get her bearings, mind still reeling. Alex hears Maggie open a drawer, and sits up in time to see her throwing a t-shirt her way. She pulls it over her head quickly as Maggie walks to the door.

Alex turns on her side and pretends to be asleep.

She hears Maggie open the door, and Winn immediately starts to talk. “Sorry, but where is the bathroom? I would have gone and looked for it but I don't have a key to get back in, and I —” he pauses. “Uh... why is your... what are you guys doing?”

“Sleeping,” Maggie replies curtly, and Alex hopes she's selling her performance of girl sleeping in the corner.

“With the light on?” he asks, glancing at the desk lamp still casting a dull yellow light across the room.

Maggie looks over at it, then back at Winn. “Yep.” Alex has to hold back a snort. “Bathroom is right through there.”

There's a beat of silence before Alex hears another door close. Alex decides she'll wait him out, and it doesn't take long before she hears the toilet flush and Winn is opening the door. She hears a mumbled “goodnight” to Maggie before the door closes again.

She turns to face Maggie, leaning against her desk, arms crossed as she watches Alex expectantly. Alex holds her gaze for a second then starts to laugh.

“Maggie, your shirt is on inside out _and_ backwards.”

Maggie looks down before breaking into a laugh of her own. “Guess we'll have to talk to _him_ tomorrow, huh?”

“Yeah.” Alex knows it's serious, that talking to Winn will mean talking to Kara, will mean admitting to this mess of a situation that she's gotten herself into. But that's tomorrow. Tonight is still theirs.

She can't stop herself from chuckling again as she takes in Maggie's mussed hair, the red marks on her neck, her obviously rushed choice of clothing. It's oddly adorable, in a way. Alex reaches a hand out to Maggie. “Come here.”

Maggie lands with a thump beside her, and they lay with their sides touching for a moment. “Talk about a mood killer,” Maggie whispers, and Alex snorts.

“I'm surprised he didn't hear any of that,” Alex says after her laughter has died down.

Maggie grins. “You're telling me.” Alex rewards her with an elbow in her side.

They lay in silence for a full minute before Maggie turns to her. “I guess we should talk about this, right?”

Alex lets out a slow breath through her nose. “Yeah, we should.” She rolls over on her side, their bodies flush together in the twin sized bed. Alex curses her heart as it picks up speed; this was supposed to help, not make things worse. But she still is more overwhelmed than ever by the need to lean in and press their mouths together, to feel Maggie against her again. She sighs. “Tomorrow?”

She doesn't need to explain; Maggie seems to understand. She sits up, leaning over so she can turn off her desk lamp. When she lays back down she shifts so she's curled slightly into Alex, leg sliding between hers to pull her closer. “Tomorrow.”

Alex doesn't know what comes over her — maybe the darkness makes her brave — but before she has time to doubt herself she's closing the inches between them for a chaste kiss. Maggie doesn't flinch, doesn't pull away, just raises her hand to cup Alex's jaw after a moment.

Their foreheads stay pressed together after the kiss ends. Alex's keeps her eyes closed, and she finds herself drifting away surprisingly quickly.

“Night, Alex,” she hears Maggie whisper just before she falls asleep.

//

Maggie isn't there when Alex wakes up.

It shouldn't bother her — she knows what this is, what this was, and it's not the sort of situation where they wake up and enjoy the morning wrapped in each other's arms. Still, it stings a little.

That is until she hears voices outside.

_Shit. Winn._

Alex is suddenly much more awake. She swings her legs over the bed, making sure to make no noise as she walks towards the door.

“What happens between me and Alex isn't really anyone's business.”

Maggie's voice sounds hushed, like she's trying not to wake Alex, but it's still charged with anger.

Alex can practically see Winn cower as he stutters trying to put together a response. “Look, you're both adults and I respect that and all, but it's Kara. I can'tlie to Kara. She's my best friend, and if she asks me if I think there's anything going on between you, I'm going to have to tell her I know you're sleeping together.”

“We slept together, Winn. As in a past tense, one time occurrence.”

It hurts a little to hear, but it's not like Alex doesn't know that it's the truth. Still, she can't shake the feeling that there was something more there towards the end of last night. But then again, everything always feels amplified with Maggie, the smallest things somehow significant.

“Maggie,” Winn says, voice oddly sad. Alex thinks maybe she should get in there — she doesn't think Maggie will react well to Winn feeling _sorry_ for her — but he just lets out a long sigh before continuing. “I'm just worried about you. You didn't even tell me she was back in your life.”

“I know. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have... I should've told you.”

“What exactly is going on between you two?”

Alex's eyes widen, tripping slightly over something on the floor as she stumbles backwards. She doesn't want to hear Maggie's response. She tells herself it's because she doesn't want to listen in on a private conversation, but part of her is also too afraid to know how Maggie would answer that question.

She looks down at what tripped her — her discarded jeans, it turns out, and she bends down to put them on. She picks up her bag, abandoned on Maggie's desk chair, before heading into the bathroom.

She gets dressed in her own clothes and takes her time brushing her teeth. She hopes that Maggie will hear the water running and realize that Alex is awake and she and Winn should definitely stop talking about _things_ now.

When she's done, she takes a second to look at herself in the mirror. She frowns at the hint of a mark Maggie left on her chest, just barely hidden by her shirt. She adjusts her shirt so it's not visible, but she knows she'll have to keep an eye on it all day if she wants to keep it from Kara.

 _Was this a mistake?_ she asks herself. She wants to hide it, which certainly makes it seem like it's something she's ashamed of, but that's hardly the case. She doesn't regret it, but it wasn't exactly effective. She dreamt of Maggie all night, and she'd be lying if she said she wasn't hoping that Maggie had somehow changed her mind and might want to do that again.

After all, it was a bit underwhelming, between Alex completely losing her cool before they could even have sex and Winn interrupting them just as they were about to.

Alex shakes her head and sighs, leaning forward to splash water on her face.

Just once is all she's going to get, though, and she can't help but feel like she ruined it somehow.

Hopefully at the very least things will stop being so awkward between the two of them.

//

Her plan to announce herself works, she supposes, because when she emerges a few minutes later Maggie and Winn aren't talking.

She realizes that might be worse after a few tense moments in the doorway.

“Good morning,” she says, and both of them look up. Maggie smiles, and Winn tries to, but it looks sort of miserable. _He must really best stressing out,_ Alex realizes.

She moves to sit next to him on the couch. She can feel Maggie's eyes on her, but she's focused on what she has to say to Winn right now. “Listen, Winn. I know that we uh — we put you in a really awkward situation here, and I'm sorry.”

Winn visibly relaxes. “Thanks. Look, I know you probably don't want me to say anything to your sister, but —”

Alex interrupts him. “No, actually. But I do want to ask if you can just not say anything to Kara until I get to talk to her first. And I promise you, I will tell her as soon as possible.”

“Today?” he asks. “Because she was already asking me if I thought the two of you were making eyes at each other yesterday, Alex. I don't want to lie to her, she literally just made me promise that I wouldn't after the whole Lena thing.”

Alex doesn't want Kara to get Kara to get hurt, and doesn't want to mess up one of the only friendships her sister has held tightly onto all these years. “Tonight?” she offers. “After everyone's gone.”

“What, is she going to be mad at you or something?” Maggie asks from the corner, and Alex had almost forgotten she was there. “God, you guys make it sound like we've wronged her somehow. Kara will be _fine.”_

Alex winces internally; Maggie sounds annoyed, and this isn't really the way she wanted their first conversation to go after what happened last night. “I know. She's just... sensitive about me hiding things from her.”

“Me too,” Winn chimes in.

“Sounds like Little Danvers has some trust issues,” Maggie says frankly. Alex bristles a little, defensive of her younger sister. Kara's been through a lot, after all. So what if she has some insecurities?

“Maybe,” Winn says. “But I'd still not rather hurt her, if possible.”

“Me too.” Alex looks back at him. “Just avoid the topic for today, okay? I'll talk to her tonight.”

“Okay.” He seems a little less tense than he did when Alex first walked out. He stands. “Anyone mind if I hog the bathroom for a few? I have to brush my teeth and stuff.”

“It's all yours,” Maggie says with a wave of her arm.

The silences makes Alex a little anxious after Winn's gone. She clears her throat after a moment. “You have any coffee?”

“Are you kidding me?”

It breaks the tension, and Alex smiles. “Let me rephrase: where's your coffee?”

She follows Maggie towards the kitchenette, watching as she pulls a Keurig out from inside a cabinet and places it on top of the one counter that's in the small kitchen. While it heats, she opens the cabinet over the sink, standing on her toes to reach a box on the top shelf. Alex is distracted by the way Maggie's lower back peaks out under her shirt as she stretches. By the time she realizes she's staring, Maggie's already caught her.

She expects a quip, maybe even a lecture on their _just once_ agreement. She doesn't expect Maggie to blush, biting her lip for a moment before she looks down at the box in her hands. “Uh - what flavor you want?”

She looks down at the box of assorted coffees. “Fancy,” she notes as she reads the flavors. “Any recommendations?”

“I like the blackberry,” Maggie says, somewhat absently, red still tinting her cheeks.

“Sounds great.” Maggie turns around to find a mug for Alex. “You're okay with me talking to Kara, right?”

Maggie waits until she's clicked the flashing button to brew the coffee until she turns to Alex. “I don't want things to be awkward,” Maggie says, worrying her lip between her teeth for a second. “Do you really think Kara will be mad when you tell her? Does she not like me or something?”

“No, no, of course not. I only think she'd be mad if I didn't tell her, and even then she probably wouldn't really be mad, just hurt.” Alex presses her lips together, thinking for a moment. “In high school, when everything uh... happened, between us,” she says, gesturing vaguely, “I didn't tell her about any of it, and apparently the way I kind of withdrew scared her.”

Maggie frowns. “Scared her?”

Alex shrugs. “I wasn't... myself, for a while after.”

“Oh,” Maggie says. Maggie stares at Alex for a heavy moment before blinking a few times, turning to the coffee machine, which had finished brewing a few seconds before.

“It'll be fine,” Alex says to her back. Maggie doesn't respond, just nods as she grabs a carton from her small fridge.

Winn comes out just as Maggie finishes stirring in the half and half and sugar into Alex's steaming mug. “Jesus, that smells fantastic. What is that?”

“Fancy coffee,” Alex says.

“It's from the dollar store,” Maggie points out.

Alex takes a sip. “Well, it tastes fancy.”

“Sign me up,” Winn says, clapping his hands together, and Maggie points him towards the box. Alex smirks as she takes another sip, trying not to read into Maggie making her coffee and not Winn's. “So, has anyone talked to Kara?”

Alex shakes her head. “No — I'll text her now. I think they're planning on meeting us in the city.”

But Kara — shining, bubbly, way-too-much-of-a-morning-person Kara — calls her as soon as she gets her text.

“Good morning! Did you sleep well?” Kara asks, and there's a hint of mischievousness in her voice that makes Alex immediately nervous.

“Yeah, yeah, we're all good here,” Alex says. “Um, when do you guys want to meet up?”

Kara is unfazed by Alex's awkwardness. “We'll be ready to leave in leave five minutes, so do you want to meet at Maggie's in like forty-five?”

“Yep, sounds good. See you soon, love you.”

She presses end, looking up to find an expectant Winn.

“Well? Did she... you know, say anything?” he asks.

Alex frowns. “Huh? Oh, no — she's not psychic, Winn. She just said they'll meet us here in like forty-five minutes, which, knowing Kara will probably be more like an hour.”

“So we have some time then. Do you guys want to grab breakfast?” Maggie suggests, and Winn perks up at the mention of food.

“Yes! I'm starving,” he says. “I'll go get my stuff.”

Maggie waits until he's back in the living room to speak. “You okay?” she asks, voice quiet enough for only Alex to hear.

“Yeah,” she says. “Great.”

Maggie squints her eyes, and Alex wonders for a second if she's going to question her, but after a beat she just nods and joins Winn in the living room, to put on her shoes.

Alex takes another long sip of her coffee as she watches them. Maggie isn't acting weird, Winn has promised to be chill... now all she has to do is get through the day without Kara figuring out that she and Maggie slept together before she can tell her in private.

No problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, and the long wait. Thank you all for reading! The constant feedback since I've posted the last chapter has been really great, and it's kept me writing when I was very, very stuck. I'm on tumblr and twitter as @aka-patsywalker if you'd like to bother me :) 
> 
> I was kind of nervous to post this, so encouraging words are appreciated!


	13. i give you what you want - i bend the truth

Alex decides to skip out on getting any actual food at the cafe, a growing knot in her stomach. Instead she just gets a large coffee, and finds a table while Winn and Maggie wait in line for their breakfast.

The more distance she gets from last night, the weirder she feels. She can't quite put her finger on why — everything has been pretty normal so far, after all — but she can't shake the creeping feeling that something is off.

She thought there'd be some kind of change after last night, that there would be some sort of shift. But Maggie hasn't treated her any differently so far this morning, making her coffee and offering to grab her something to eat while she secured a table. If anything, she's been downright friendly.

Everything is fine.

So why does Alex feel like nothing is?

She sips her coffee as she watches Winn and Maggie in line, Winn laughing at something he's just said that Maggie is shaking her head over, a small smile tugging at her lips. Alex isn't sure how she missed the two of them becoming such good friends while they were still in high school. She was oblivious to so much then, but she didn't think she was _that_ ignorant of what was going on in Maggie's life.

But when she thinks about it, she hadn't known that Maggie was gay, or that she was in love with Alex. She didn't realize that her sexuality was why her father was so cruel to her. She never even bothered to find out the reason why they'd moved to Midvale.

And now, she feels like she knows even less about Maggie. Things had all fallen back into place so quickly, they'd skipped over the “getting to know you” part of the friendship, and Alex is beginning to realize that after four years apart some reintroduction may be necessary.

She looks up as she hears Maggie's voice, suddenly a lot closer. She and Winn are almost at the table now, Maggie holding a tray with both of their food, and Alex instinctually scoots into the booth a little to make room, but both of them go to take a seat across from her.

“Jeez, I am not as young as I used to be,” Winn says, stretching his back before he sits down. “Sleeping on couches isn't as fun as it was when we were kids.”

“You should come with me to yoga tomorrow, if you want,” Maggie offers.

Alex frowns; _Maggie does yoga?_

Apparently Winn is thinking something similar. “I can't picture _you_ doing yoga,” he says, squinting as if he's really trying.

Maggie takes a bite of her crunchy bagel, then shrugs. “It's better than physical therapy.”

“Physical therapy?” Alex asks, frowning.

Maggie brushes back a strand of hair before looking up at Alex, hand hesitating over a faint scar on her forehead. “Uh — yeah. I was in a car accident a few years ago. Broke my leg pretty good.”

Alex's throat tightens (not that it matters much because she doesn't know what she should say, anyway). She takes a long sip of her coffee, hoping it will relieve some of the tension, but it just sends it melting down into her chest.

Winn and Maggie are both looking at her when she finishes, and she feels the need to say _something._ “Is it okay now?” is all she can come up with.

“Yeah,” Maggie says, and the conversation is over as she turns to Winn and starts to talk about something else. Alex fixates back on her coffee.

Add that to the list of things she didn't know about Maggie.

//

They meet up with Kara and company after breakfast, Kara exchanging hugs with each of them before she launches into her plans for the day.

She insists on bringing them to CatCo first to show them her desk, which the company finally had gotten around to giving her just yesterday after she'd been working there for a month. It's very Kara — neat, but personalized, with a potted plant (fake, Alex hopes, for it's own sake) and several pictures of Kara, Alex, their parents and their friends framed next to her computer.

She wonders briefly how Kara had decorated so quickly, but figures her sister probably had a box of things ready to go since the day she was hired.

“I like it because it's nice and close to Miss Grant's office — she even said good morning to me yesterday.” Kara pauses, scrunching her nose. “Well, sort of. She called me the wrong name, then told me to get her a coffee because her assistant was being 'quarantined.'”

“Nice,” Winn says with a nod. “Working your way up.”

“To being Cat Grant's assistant?” Alex asks, eyebrows raised.

Winn shrugs. “Better than starting in the mailroom,” he points out.

Kara gives them a tour of the rest of her floor and introduces them to a few people around the office, which is surprisingly full for a Saturday.

“Ms. Grant says the news never sleeps, even on weekends,” Kara says.

She leads them down a hallway that ends in a glass door. “And the _real_ reason I wanted to bring you guys here...” Kara turns to them with a grin as she pushes it open, and Alex squints as they step out into the bright sun. “Isn't it gorgeous? You can pretty much see the whole city from here.”

The door opens to a large balcony that stretches across a good portion of the building, with a bunch of small tables set up along it. The line up along the railing, looking out onto National City.

“It's beautiful,” Lena says. “I never realized quite how _large_ this city is.”

“Yeah... they only put it out here to encourage us to have working lunches,” Kara said. “But it's still really pretty.”

Alex's stomach grumbles at the mention of food, apparently no longer happy with just the coffee she's been feeding it all morning. “Speaking of lunch, is anyone else hungry? Where should we get food?” Alex asks.

“Sounds like someone skipped breakfast,” Maggie teases, smiling. She shrugs. “I guess I could eat.”

Kara lights up. “Hey, I have an idea! Now that we've seen my place of work, why don't we go to Noonan's for lunch?”

“Where's that?” Winn asks. “I could go for a good sandwich.”

“Oh, I don't know,” Alex says, scrunching her mouth to the side. “They're probably really busy.”

“They're never really busy,” Kara points out.

Alex hesitates. It's a little embarrassing — her job isn't anywhere near as glamorous as Kara's — but she can't think of a good reason to say no. “We _do_ have a pretty decent rueben.”

James and Lucy ride with Kara and Alex while Winn and Lena end up in Maggie's car. Alex is grateful for the company of the couple; she's not exactly ready to talk this all over with Kara. She's not done sorting it out in her own head first.

//

Noonan's is only a fifteen minute drive from CatCo's National City headquarters, and as Kara predicted, they're not really busy at all. The parking lot is empty save for a couple of cars.

“Hey Danny,” Alex says when they walk in, addressing the lanky boy leaning against the hostess stand. He's a high-schooler who only works on the weekends, so Alex doesn't usually see him. “I need a table for seven.”

He looks up, a sloped smile on his face. “Oh, hey Alex,” he says in his usual stoned affect. “You can sit wherever you want, it's been dead all day.”

He's not exaggerating; there's only people at a few tables inside. She spots a circular booth next to a window, and waits for everyone to file in before she takes a seat on the end, opposite of Maggie.

Dan brings them some water and menus, and everyone is quiet for a second as they look them over. Alex doesn't know why — she knows the menu by heart, after all — but she finds herself glancing over it just to look like she's doing something.

After a minute a hand lands on her shoulder, and when she looks up she sees Vasquez smiling down at her.

“Danvers! I wasn't expecting to see you here today.”

“Hey! Yeah, my friends wanted to see where I worked, so,” Alex shrugs. “Oh! Kara, this is Vasquez. This is my little sister, Kara.”

“Hey, I've heard a lot about you,” Kara says, reaching forward to shake Vasquez's hand with a grin. “Thanks for keeping my sister sane, Vasquez.”

“Well, it's a challenge, but I'm up for it,” Vasquez says. “Oh, and everyone but Danvers here calls me Susan, by the way.”

“Really?” Alex scrunches up her nose. “I've never heard anyone call you that.”

“That's because it's pretty much always just me and you,” Vasquez points out. “Speaking of, Joe's out 'sick' again.”

 _That kid's going to get himself fired,_ Alex thinks.

“So _that's_ why you're here on your day off.”

“Yeah, and you covered for him last time so I figured I'd take care of it,” she says, flashing Alex another smile. “So, can I get you guys some drinks?”

They all decide to stick with water for now while they look over the menu, and Vasquez leaves, promising to be back in a few minutes.

“You didn't tell me she's _cute_ , Alex,” Kara whispers once she's gone.

“Oh,” Alex says, glancing behind her shoulder to look at Vasquez, who is now waiting on another table. “Yeah. She is.”

It's a passive observation — it's not like she's ever been attracted to her coworker — but it's not a lie. Vasquez is pretty in her own way, and it's complemented by her wit and a charming smile.

It feels a little wrong to admit in front of someone she'd just spent the night with. So why is some twisted part of her hoping Maggie will be jealous? Alex chances a look at her, but the other girl's expression is unreadable as she stares at the grain of the wooden table.

James pulls Alex's attention away after a second. “How are the burgers here?” he asks.

Alex shrugs. “They're... not the best in the city,” she says, glancing again over at Maggie, but she's moved on to looking at her phone, a puzzling frown fixed on her face. “They're decent, though. I recommend the New Yorker, personally — it comes on a pretzel bun.”

Kara's eyes widen as she flips to that page in the menu.

When Vasquez reappears a few minutes later, they're ready to order. James, Lucy, and Kara all get the pretzel burger. Maggie gets the reuben, and Winn and Lena order turkey clubs.

Alex hands over her menu. “I'll have a —”

“BLT on whole wheat with waffle fries,” Vasquez finishes for her, and Alex laughs in surprise.

“Wow, I'm impressed.”

Vasquez rolls her eyes. “We've worked together for a year now — I know you order every lunch shift. You want a diet coke with that?”

“Yes please,” Alex says.

Vasquez shows her dimples when she smiles. “Alright guys, that will be out in a few,” she says, backing away. “Let me know if you need anything.”

Kara waits until she's out of ear-shot before she turns to Alex, mouth agape. “Alex, she's totally into you!”

Alex looks up to Vasquez, who has is across the room at one of the other tables, her back to their group, and she prays she can't hear them.

“What?” Alex shakes her head. “You're crazy.”

“She's not,” James says. “She knows your lunch order!”

“Because we work together.” Alex glances back over to Vasquez, who is talking animatedly to the couple in the booth.

“Whatever you say, Danvers,” Maggie says, and Alex's eyes snap to her. It's the first time she's addressed Alex since they sat down, a marked change since their mostly friendly interactions this morning.

Alex tries to hide a frown. That's definitely not jealousy; it's quite the opposite, encouraging almost, and it doesn't sit right with Alex.

“Oh shoot!” Kara says. “I forgot to order no onions on my burger.”

Alex spots Vasquez over at the hostess stand. She could use a minute away to shake this feeling. “I'll tell her.”

She doesn't know who “oohs” behind her as she stands, but she shoots a glare back at the table before walking over to Vasquez.

“Your friends are funny,” Vasquez says as soon as she's within hearing distance.

“You know, I was hoping you didn't hear that. Don't mind them, they're just,” she laughs as she looks back over at her friends, who quickly try to pretend like they're not watching them, “... idiots.”

“They're cute,” Vasquez says. “They go to your school?”

Alex shakes her head. “No, we went to highschool together though.”

“Must be nice to catch up,” Vasquez says.

“When they're not being 'funny,' sure.”

Vasquez laughs, nose crinkling, and Alex can't help but smile. Kara wasn't lying before — her coworker really is pretty cute.

“So, as flattered as I am by the visit, is there something you needed?”

Alex nods. “Right. Kara forgot to ask for no onions on her burger, thought I'd catch you before you brought the order to the kitchen.”

“No problem.” Vasquez pauses, then smiles, tilting her head. “You know, it's weird seeing you out of your work uniform.”

Alex looks down at her clothes — a pair of dark jeans a black button up, nothing special — and shrugs. “I need to do laundry.”

Vasquez shakes her head. “Nah. You look cute.”

Alex smiles. “Thanks.”

Vasquez goes to bring their order to the kitchen. Alex doesn't want to go back to the table just yet, still feeling slightly unsettled, so she decides to stop in the ladies room to shake it off.

She's surprised when she exits the stall and Maggie is standing at the sinks.

Maggie startles a little when she catches her eye in the mirror, glancing over her shoulder to be sure.

“Danvers, hey,” she says, seemingly surprised Alex is here in the bathroom. Alex wonders briefly where Maggie had thought she'd gone — off somewhere with Vasquez? — before she moves to the sink next to Maggie. “I figured I'd wash my hands since I got a sandwich.”

“Good idea,” Alex nods, wincing at the high pitch of her voice giving away her nerves. “I hope the reuben lives up to my recommendation.”

“The burgers were passable, so I'm not too worried,” Maggie shrugs, reaching for the soap. She focuses on her hands for a few seconds before she speaks again. “So, you and that Vasquez girl, huh?”

Alex splutters — she has always been caught off-guard by Maggie's forwardness, and tries to hide it by turning on the tap. “Uh — yeah, Kara's nuts, huh?”

“Well, I think you should go for it.”

“Go for it?” Her brow furrows. Surely Maggie can't mean...

But she's nodding, and Alex frowns.

“I mean, she clearly likes you. You should ask her out, if you want to,” Maggie says, voice lacking any real hint of what she's thinking as she keeps her head bowed, washing her hands.

_Ask her out?_

_She wants me to go on a date with Vasquez?_

Her first thought is that that's impossible. Vasquez isn't gay, and even if she is she doesn't have a crush on Alex. Surely she would've picked up on that, as practiced as she is at it. She _had_ just called Alex cute, but girls say that sort of thing to their friends all the time (Alex has always been baffled by the concept of gay-dar for that particular reason).

But then the implication sinks in — Maggie is telling her to go on a date with another woman — and it stings.

“I can't do that,” Alex says, shaking her head slightly. It sounds a little too wounded, too vulnerable, so she corrects herself. “I mean, I — she doesn't — Vasquez isn't gay.”

Maggie turns to Alex, leaving the water running. “I don't know, Darla thought she was checking me out that night. Come on, Danvers, have some confidence. She's flirting with you. You can't be _that_ oblivious.”

It feels like a jab, and Alex raises her eyebrows. “I'm not. We're just friends.”

Maggie looks at her for a long moment, and Alex is afraid of what she might say — she's expecting something like _so were we_ — but Maggie only sighs. “I'm just saying... I don't want you not doing anything because of me. Last night was fun and all, but... you should go on dates, if you want to.”

“Right,” Alex says. She doesn't want to go out on a date, not with Vasquez anyway, but she can't say that now. As Maggie had just pointed out, this is supposed to be out of her system. “Okay, yeah. Thanks.”

Maggie nods, finally turning off the tap. She shakes her hands a few times before turning to Alex with a smile. “I'll see you out there.”

Alex forces a smile at Maggie as she moves past her to leave, but it fades as soon as she's out the door.

Maggie wants her to go on a date with another woman.

The pit in her stomach that's been dragging lower and lower all day finally sinks.

Last night, however it affected Alex, had worked for Maggie. She's gotten her closure, and she wants to move on and for Alex to do the same.

She's not sure why it stings so badly — this was something she agreed to, after all — but she never thought it would work just like that, that the next day everything that was between them would have dissipated. Alex thought she and Maggie had something bigger than that, somehow.

It's only now, faced with the reality of the situation, does Alex realize how deep she's in here. Her feelings for Maggie are not just some little crush anymore. She wonders if they ever were.

//

Alex focuses on her food to avoid talking for the most part through lunch. She's unable to bring herself to look at Maggie except for a few quick glances when she's sure Maggie won't be looking back. She feels guilty for acting this way — she has no right to feel badly about Maggie not being interested in her after last night.

 _As if she was even interested before,_ she thinks bitterly. For Maggie, last night was a result of residual feelings from when they were kids.

It's karma, if anything.

Their next stop is National City Park, at the insistence of Winn. He pulls out some point-and-shoot camera and insists that Maggie take his picture with just about everything even remotely scenic. Maggie is rolling her eyes by the third statue they stop at, but she tags along anyway.

Alex hopes she's not noticeably moping. She doesn't want Maggie to know how pathetic she's being about this whole thing. She just needs a little while to collect her thoughts, and she can figure out how she's going to get herself out of this crummy situation. Except her thoughts keep running back to last night — to Maggie's touch, soft but electric in all the right places — and it's almost useless to try to deny what a bad idea that had all been.

Luckily James, Lucy, and Lena are more into hanging back and laughing at Winn's antics than participating in them, so Alex sticks with them. Alex is sure to smile at all the right times, but doesn't really check into the conversation. It doesn't need her, anyway; Lena seems to know just what to say whenever there's the slightest pause.

Alex wonders where she developed such finely honed social skills. Prep school, she figures, before frowning. _Is that rude?_

“Guys, let's get a group shot!” Kara calls, interrupting her thoughts.

They've only made it about halfway through the park when James is pulling out his phone and remarking that it's about time for them to head to the bus stop. Lucy has some obligation tomorrow morning at home, so they're making the drive that night.

Kara volunteers to drop the pair, and Alex glances at Maggie. She doesn't want to draw attention to herself as she's sure she would if she were to be in close quarters with Maggie, so Alex announces that she'll tag along with Kara, James, and Lucy. It'll give her time to talk to Kara, anyway, like she'd promised Winn this morning.

//

They decide to meet back at the Danvers' for dinner, parting ways the parking garage where they'd left their cars before their tour of the park.

“You guys can make yourselves at home,” Kara says, tossing her house key at Winn. He catches it, but not before fumbling for a second, making Lena laugh. “We'll be back by dinner time. Maybe we'll stop on the way home for groceries and we can cook?”

Winn blanches. “Uh — Kara, I'm not sure you should be offering to cook anyone dinner.”

Kara is dangerous in the kitchen, and Alex feels the need to speak up for the first time in a while. “Yeah, I'm with Winn on this one,” she says, nodding. “You live on takeout.”

Kara crosses her arms. “And last I checked, you live _with me_ , Alex, takeout and all, so... unless we all want to have grilled cheese for dinner, you shouldn't cook either.”

Maggie snorts, and Alex looks at her, finding herself smiling for the first time that afternoon at the small acknowledgement.

“I can find my way around a kitchen,” Lena offers.

“That she can,” Winn chimes in.

Kara claps. “Perfect! How about you poke around our pantry, see what we have and decide on what to make. We can pick up anything you need on our way back!” Alex is happy to see Kara seems to be warming up to Lena, at least enough not to be jealous that Winn would prefer Lena's cooking over hers.

They each take turns hugging James and Lena before they get into their separate cars. Alex hangs back, knowing there will be another round when they drop them off at the bus.

She's surprised when Maggie catches her eye just before she gets to her car. She stops for a moment, then waves. “See you guys in a bit,” she calls, eyes not leaving Alex's until she ducks into her seat.

The drive to the bus drop-off only takes twenty minutes from the park, and Alex spends most of it tuned out from the conversation, staring out the window and wondering.

It's the first time she's really had a second alone to think about it all, and she finds herself wanting to do anything but. She doesn't want to admit what has been nagging at her ever since that conversation with Maggie in the bathroom — that Maggie is right. Alex does have to move on. And she knows that that means pulling away from Maggie, which is an all but impossible mission at this point. She can't stop being Maggie's friend again — she _won't_ do that — but she does need to find a way to make this all stop.

//

They wait with James and Lucy at the bus stop until their ride arrives. They promise to meet up with them over the spring break.

“It was really great meeting you,” Alex says, squeezing Lucy's shoulders as she hugs her.

James grins. “I'm glad we could do this.”

“Me too,” Kara says, reaching up to give him a quick hug. “See you soon!”

“Have a good trip!” Alex calls as they begin to board.

Alex waits until the bus pulls away before she looks at Kara, who is still watching the bus disappear, a small smile fixed on her face.

“You okay?” she asks, and Kara quickly nods.

“Yeah, yeah. Just thinking about how glad I am that we can all still be friends.”

Alex smiles; she's happy for her sister. She wishes her situation would tie itself up so tidily, but she has a gnawing feeling that if today is any indication, that's not going to happen.

Kara only gets a minute into the drive back to their one-on-one time before she breaks. “So... did you talk to Maggie?”

Alex grimaces; she knew this was coming. “Sort of.”

Well, not at all, actually — more like the complete opposite of talking, if she's being honest, but Alex doesn't want to lead with that. She'd like to collect her thoughts before she just blurts something out, but it's now or never. Kara's asking, and it's not like she can lie.

“And?”

Alex clasps her hands, sighing as she looks over at Kara.

“We slept together,” is the best she can come up with. When Kara's mouth drops open, Alex groans internally. _So much for that putting it delicately._

“ _What?!”_ Kara's “Oh my god, Alex, that's... oh my _god!”_

“Yeah, I know,” Alex says.

She waits for Kara to finish processing, unsure of which direction this is going just yet. It only takes a second Kara lets out a delighted squeal and bounces in her seat, signaling as she pulls over into a parking lot.

Once they've stopped, she turns again to Alex, reaching forward to grab her hands.“You have to tell me everything! I mean, not everything,” she scrunches her nose, “but I need details.”

“You're not mad?” Alex asks.

“What? No.” Kara's smile falters, brow forming a slight crinkle. “Why would I be mad?”

“Because I — it was...” She feels her throat tightening, and she swallows. “It was _stupid_.”

“Alex,” Kara says, voice suddenly sad. “Alex, no, come on.” She pulls Alex into her arms, and Alex feels her eyes start to burn.

“It was though.” She shakes her head, letting a tear escape before she swipes at it. “I mean, god, who thinks sleeping together 'just once' is going to help you get over someone? Except, apparently it worked for _her_ , and I'm just an idiot,” she mumbles.

“Okay, so you just gave me a lot of information at once,” Kara says, rubbing Alex's back as she pulls away. “Just once? Was that like an agreement you guys had?”

Alex laughs. “Yeah, you know, to get it out of our systems.”

“... Alex.”

“I know. Trust me, Kara, I know. I thought it was a bad idea from the second she suggested it, but I couldn't... not.” Alex sighs. “Besides, it wasn't a bad idea for her. Like, I said, it worked. She even told me I should ask Vasquez out on a date.”

“And that isn't what you wanted?”

Alex shrugs, a fresh wave of tears trying to force their way out of her eyes.

 _No_.

“I don't know.”

Kara squeezes her shoulder. “Okay. So what now?”

“I don't know,” Alex repeats. “I mean, I don't know how to stop feeling this way about her. I never dealt with it years ago, I buried it so deep inside of me hoping it would just... go away, but it's like it's ingrained in me now, and I can't stop.”

“Maybe you should take a little space?” Kara suggests, but Alex immediately shakes her head.

“We had _space_ for the past four years, and it hasn't done anything.”

“But you weren't hung up on her until you started seeing her again,” Kara points out.

“I guess not actively, but it's not like I've had feelings for anyone else since,” Alex says. “There were sparks, here and there, but nothing like... there's no one like her, Kara. She makes me feel more than anyone else I've ever met.”

“Well, why can't you tell her that?” Kara asks. “Maybe she's just waiting for you to make the first move this time.”

“I kind of have, though. I mean I asked her why we couldn't try being together and she said it would be too complicated. Maggie knows what she wants, Kara, and it's not me.”

Kara is out of arguments, so she pulls Alex in again, tighter this time. “I just don't want to see you get hurt.”

Alex lets a long breath out of her nose. “Yeah, me either.” She wipes at her cheeks, sitting up so she's no longer leaning on Kara. “Can we just... drive? I think it'll make me feel better.”

Kara puts the car in gear. “Of course.”

//

The drive actually helps clear her head, though she's no closer to an answer on how to deal with Maggie by the time Kara calls Lena and dictates to Alex what they need at the supermarket while she takes notes on her phone.

There's only a few items on their list, but they end up making a few detours down side aisles for snacks at Kara's suggestion. “If there's one thing I know about heartbreak, it's that junk food makes it almost feel a little bit better.”

Alex wrinkles her nose. It doesn't sound very encouraging. “I'm not heartbroken,” she says. Sure, she's felt like there's been a weight on her chest all day long, but that doesn't mean anything. Kara scoffs, and Alex crosses her arms. “I'm not.”

Still, she doesn't argue as Kara grabs a package of double-stuffed Oreos off the shelf as they pass a display.

//

Lena's dinner is delicious, a chicken parmesan that rivals Kara's favorite Italian restaurant's. Alex hangs out with her in the kitchen while she cooks, offering to help here and there. Winn decides he's in charge of drinks, and has a bit too much fun playing bartender with their limited selection while Alex and Lena work in the kitchen.

Kara is sure to check up on her every few minutes until Alex assures her that she's fine.

“I promise, I'm okay. Go have fun with your friend on his last night here,” Alex says, voice quiet so Lena won't hear from where she stands at the stove.

Kara reluctantly listens. Alex watches as she rejoins Maggie and Winn, and hopes silently that Kara hasn't been giving Maggie any sort of attitude. She can be a bit... overprotective, at times.

Lena calls them all to dinner a few minutes later, and they manage to squeeze around the tiny table in the so-called dining room. Kara practically drools when Lena puts her plate in front of her.

“Buon appetito,” Lena says in perfect Italian.

Each of them end up with a second helping, but there's still plenty leftover by the time they all have their fill, though the two loaves of garlic bread Lena had made quickly disappear.

They look for a movie to watch on Netflix and decide on one they've all seen — Hitch is the winner, one that Kara practically forced Alex to watch a million times when they were growing up.

They only make it about halfway through before Kara pauses it to excitedly announce a brilliant idea. “We should make a pillow fort!”

They find every blanket, pillow, and generally fluffy thing they have in the apartment, and end up with a giant pile in the middle of the living room. Winn and Kara move the furniture out of the way, strategically placing it to form a stack behind the couch. Kara has a king sized blanket she got from some dollar store, and stretches it from the TV over the table, which is standing on its side behind the couch.

All the pillows are littered on the space between on the floor and they make themselves comfortable before restarting the movie. Alex picks a spot against the couch — so she has something to lean against, she tells herself, not because she's avoiding siting next to Maggie, who is lying facing the television.

After the credits roll Kara finds a way to pull a desk lamp under the fort, popping out of the blankets for a minute before she returns with the small light from her room and a box that turns out to be Cards Against Humanity.

Alex is grateful she recognizes her sister's sense of humor enough to choose her cards pretty consistently, happy to avoid awkwardly picking Maggie's each round. Still, Maggie winds up being responsible for three of Alex's black card victories, even throwing her head back to laugh at one of them.

“Sorry, 'vigilante justice,” Maggie says after she's calmed down, “Batman's guilty pleasure is _definitely_ 'a homoerotic volleyball montage.'”

“Oh come _on,”_ Winn whines, but Alex reaches her hand forward, making a show of plucking it away right in front of his face. Maggie shakes her head, as Alex proudly pronounces that she's taken the lead.

It doesn't last long. Kara manages to know how to amuse both Winn and Lena, and with Alex's strategic selection of winners, she easily wins by the time they decide to call it quits at midnight.

Winn decides to sleep on the couch, saying something about his back, so they end up with only the four of them on the floor, leaving plenty of room for each of them. Alex chooses the spot closest to the wall, and Kara is quick to claim the spot next to her. Alex smiles knowingly — she kind of loves it when Kara is protective over her.

As much as she doesn't want to admit it, keeping Maggie at arm's length all night wasn't all that hard, and she'd managed to keep her mind off of the whole ordeal for the most part.

She thinks about what Kara said earlier, and though she was quick to deny it, she knows her sister is right; she is heartbroken. She knows that she can't keep this going the way it has been the past few weeks if she wants to be able to have a lasting friendship with Maggie this time around. So for now, no matter how difficult it is, she needs to put some space between them.

Still, Alex can't help but glance at Maggie every so often as she drifts asleep; whatever she needs to do, it can wait until tomorrow.

//

Alex wakes up to a cool breeze on her face.

She frowns, pulling the blanket up over her shoulder, determined to stay asleep until a thought works its way into her consciousness — she doesn't remember leaving the window open, in fact she's sure she locked it — and she can't fall back asleep without at least checking that everything is okay.

Her eyes take a moment to adjust in the darkness — whatever time it is, it's still not morning — but once they do she notices the source of the fresh air: the balcony door is cracked an inch, and someone is standing outside. She can't make out who it is by the silhouette, but a quick headcount tells her that it's Maggie's makeshift bed that is empty.

She stops, unsure of what to do. _Why is Maggie outside?_ She doesn't want to intrude, but something inside of her is telling her not to lie back down. Alex waits a moment, watching, until she sees Maggie's hand rise to brush against her cheek, and she decides she can't go back to sleep if she knows Maggie is alone and upset, distance be damned.

Alex crawls towards the TV, hoping she can step over Kara and Lena's feet without causing too much of a disturbance,

Maggie barely glances at her as she opens the door, and by the time Alex shuts it behind her she's staring back down over the railing of the balcony.

“Everything okay?” Alex's voice comes out in a whisper, but it's loud in the quiet of the night. It's too cold to be outside in just their pajamas, and Alex shivers as she takes a few more steps outside.

“Yeah,” Maggie says, but she only lets it hang a second before she's laughing and shaking her head, shoulders slumping. “I mean, no, it's not, I...” She pauses, voice suddenly hoarse. “I just got off the phone with my aunt. My dad, he's — he's sick.”

“Oh.” Alex hesitates. She's doesn't know what to say. Maggie hasn't spoken to her parents in years; Alex isn't sure how she is going to react to this news. “Is he... is it bad?”

“He has cancer,” she says, though the last word is barely audible. “It's not operable. They've given him a few months.”

Alex closes the distance between them, but resists the urge to reach out and touch Maggie until she'll at least look at her. “I'm sorry,” she says, voice soft. “What do you want to do?”

Maggie shakes her head. “There's nothing _to_ do. They're in some treatment center in Metropolis.” She sniffs, and Alex's heart clenches. “Yeah, apparently they uh — they moved there last year.”

Her heart catches on that word — _apparently._ “They moved to Metropolis? Without telling you?”

An unexpected anger towards the Sawyers rushes through her. She'd only met Maggie's father once, and never met her mother, but she has a hard time wrapping her mind around her parents not wanting their only daughter in their lives. Eliza, for all her flaws, has always done her best for Kara and Alex.

Alex hates the thought of Maggie growing up feeling unloved, and she hates that she's one of the people that did that to her. She hates that she never noticed the way Maggie always needed affection when they were younger, how quickly she'd grown attached to Alex, how desperately she needed Alex in her life.

She hates that she came into Maggie's life, made her feel safe and cared for, only to become just another person to take that away within the span of a few short months.

Maggie breathes out a laugh. “It's dumb, right? My dad is dying and I'm more upset they sold our house without letting me know they were leaving. I mean, who doesn't know where their own parents live?”

“That's not dumb, Maggie,” Alex says, shaking her head. “They're your parents. They're supposed to be there for you, or at least let you know where they are.”

Maggie's fingers tighten around the railing. “That's a little hard, since they haven't spoken to me in four years and all.”

Alex bites her cheek, unsure of what to say next. She was trying to be reassuring, but had only made Maggie feel worse, and she doesn't want to continue down that path. She's sure touching Maggie isn't the way to go either (if her hunched shoulders and averted eyes are any indication), despite how badly Alex wants to reach out and pull her into a hug.

They stand in silence for a few minutes, a few inches between them on the small balcony. Alex can hear the traffic from the road just outside of the apartment complex, a car whizzing by every few seconds, marking the time as it passes.

Maggie speaks again first, voice shaking. “I always thought he'd come around, somehow. But now he's dying, and he's never going to —” She stops talking as her breath hitches. “I thought I'd talk to him again someday.”

“Do you want to try to?”

Maggie lets out a dry laugh. “No. I don't even know what I'd say if I got the chance. I wouldn't even know he was sick if it weren't for my aunt. They weren't going to tell me.”

“That's terrible,” Alex says. “I'm sorry. They shouldn't treat you like that.”

“Yeah, well, they do.” Maggie shrugs. “What're you going to do, right?”

Alex worries her lip as she looks at Maggie. “Your aunt, is she...” She's not sure how to finish that sentence. Accepting? Decent? Loving? She hopes the woman has at least something to offer Maggie in the way of family.

“She's my mom's sister,” Maggie finishes for her. “She's cool. I spend my holidays with her. She doesn't talk to my mom much, especially after she and my dad kicked me out. She was with me in the hospital, when I got in my accident. She was good to me — she took care of me that whole break until I went back to school.”

Alex knows she shouldn't say what's about to come out of her mouth next, but she can't help herself. “I'm sorry. I - I should have been there.”

It's the wrong thing to say — she knows it the second it leaves her mouth, and it's only confirmed my Maggie's sharp inhale as she turns to look back over the small balcony.

“Yeah, well —” Maggie sets her jaw, and Alex thinks her heart actually stops for a moment before Maggie sighs. “At least you're here now.”

It's so quiet that Alex has to strain to hear it, her voice nearly lost to the sound of the traffic. She feels her heart suddenly restart, and she blames the momentary loss of oxygen for her next move: reaching forward and touching Maggie's hand.

She's not ready for Maggie's flinch. Maggie tries to hide it, ducking her head so her hair frames her face for a second before she clears her throat. “You know, I think we should probably get to bed. It's cold out here.”

“Yeah, you're right,” Alex says, nodding a little too rapidly, eyes still fixed on the point where their hands had rested a moment before. “It's pretty late.”

Maggie tries to smile, but her mouth just forms a strained thin line before she walks past Alex, who trails behind her after a second. She stops to lock the door behind them; by the time she turns around, Maggie is already back under the blankets.

Alex doesn't bother to check the time before she ducks back into the fort, finding her way back to her spot. Kara turns into her instinctively when she lies back down and Alex lets out a long breath.

Maybe distance will have to wait. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to the slow burn. Thanks to everyone who left a nice note! I hope the wait was a little more bearable this time. Feel free to follow me on twitter or tumblr [@aka-patsywalker](https://www.aka-patsywalker.tumblr.com) :)


	14. you don't belong to me - you're too far away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahead of schedule for this update, thanks to "MG" who left some wonderful reviews and got me to finish this chapter today :) 
> 
> Thank you all for the support. We're getting there!

 

For a second day in a row, Alex wakes up alone. But unlike yesterday, there’s no mystery as to where her friends are — she can hear Kara’s laughter drifting from the kitchen. She stretches, body sore from another night not spent sleeping in her own bed. Rolling over, she groans when her back finally pops, and she flops back onto the pillow in relief. She forces herself to open her eyes after just a few seconds, determined not to fall back asleep.

The blankets from the fort are blocking most of the light from the windows, but it’s still shining through the cracks and Alex wonders just how long her friends have let her sleep in.

 _Long enough to cook breakfast_ , she realizes, if the smell of bacon sneaking through the fort’s small opening is any indication. Alex suddenly finds herself a lot more awake and able to move, quickly crawling through the blankets to the outside. She squints and rubs her eyes, the bright light of the morning incredibly offensive, and she hears Kara laughing at her.

“Hey, sleepy-head.”

That voice doesn’t belong to Kara, and Alex forces her eyes back open to find Maggie standing in front of her, trying to hide a smile. She’s no longer in her pajamas from last night, having changed at some point into a tank-top and yoga pants.

Alex’s mind blanks. “Hi,” she says. It comes out embarrassingly high pitched, and she can feel her face start to burn, but Kara saves her, swooping in and offering her a mug of what smells like coffee.

“I was hoping you’d be awake soon.”

Alex takes the mug gratefully and quickly raises it to her mouth, happy she’d finally taught Kara how she takes her coffee. “Thank you,” she says as soon as she’s finished. “You guys been up long?”

She shrugs. “An hour, maybe? Lena made pancakes, I saved you a plate,” Kara adds before she returns to the sink to tend to the pile of dishes they’d accumulated since last night.

“Amazing,” Alex says. She glances back over at Maggie. “You uh, going somewhere?”

Maggie looks down at her clothes, then back up at Alex, a smile teasing at her lips. “Yoga. You want to come with us?”

Winn emerges from the bathroom at that moment, wearing sweatpants that are a little _too_ tight that Alex thinks she recognizes as an old pair of Kara’s. “Alex, come! It will be fun. Maggie was just teaching me a few moves.”

“Poses,” Maggie corrects with a grin. “And you’re totally welcome to. It’s only $10 to bring a guest.”

Alex considers it, and as much as her back would likely appreciate it, she doubts she could get through an hour of yoga class with Maggie dressed like that in front of her, or next to her, or really anywhere around her given her current state.

“I’ll pass for today — I have work later and I need some down time first.”

Winn pouts, but Maggie nods.

“I’m taking a pass as well,” Lena chimes in. “I need to shower before we catch our flight.”

“As long as you guys know you’re missing out,” Winn says in one last attempt to get them to come along. “This yoga stuff sounds legit.”

“Another time,” Alex promises Maggie, though she doesn’t see herself fulfilling it anytime soon.

Lena hops in the shower as soon as Maggie and Winn leave, and Alex sets about making herself a plate of food. Kara watches her from the corner, arms crossed and a concerned look on her face.

She waits until Alex sits at the table before she joins her.

“So…” Kara idly swirls her spoon in her tea. “You doing any better today?

Alex pretends to not know what she’s talking about as she pours syrup on the stack of pancakes Kara had saved for her. “Great,” she says. “I mean, who doesn’t love pancakes?”

“Alex,” Kara says, barely hiding the sigh from her voice. “C’mon, you can talk to me. I’m worried about you.”

Alex shakes her head as she takes a bite. “I’m fine,” she insists. “Jeez, Lena really can cook, huh?”

“Yeah, I know. She’s great.”

Kara stops to let Alex to eat a little more of her food before, continuing to stir her tea around distractedly while she waits. Finally, she sighs.“Was everything okay last night? I saw you guys out on the balcony.”

“Kara,” Alex warns, and her sister throws her hands up.

“I don’t want to pry, I’m just… Maggie looked really upset.”

Kara looks genuinely concerned, and Alex immediately feels bad.

 _You’re not the only one who cares about Maggie,_ she reminds herself. Alex sighs. “She was. Her family is just shitty, that’s all. It has nothing to do with us.”

Her heart stumbles a little when she says that word out loud — _us —_ but Kara doesn’t seem to notice.

“Have you decided what you’re going to do?”

Alex frowns. It’s not like Kara is asking that much of her, but she still doesn’t have answers. “I can’t really do anything. She needs me to be there, so I’ll be there. And I know you’re worried,” she says just as it looks like Kara is about to interrupt, “but I won’t get hurt this time. I’m not going in blind; I know what I’m doing. I know not to get my hopes up. I just have to be her friend.”

It’s enough to convince Kara, who deflates a little. “Okay, if you say so. You’ll let me know if you need to talk though, right?”

“Yeah,” Alex nods. Kara still looks wary, so Alex covers Kara’s hand with her free one. “I will, Kara. For now I’m just going to… I don’t know, leave it alone, I guess. Let it run its course.”

Kara frowns. “You sure you can do that?”

“Nope,” Alex says truthfully. “But I’m going to try.”

“That’s the spirit,” Kara says, though her tone betrays her lack of enthusiasm for this plan (if you can even really call it that).

“It’ll be fine,” Alex assures her. “ _I’ll_ be fine.”

Kara doesn’t look so sure, but she lets it slide when Lena pops out of the bathroom.

“Your shower doesn’t seem to be… well, heating,” Lena says.

Kara jumps up. “Oh! There’s actually a trick to that, I can show you.”

Alex hides a smirk as her sister runs into the next room; Kara, always eager to please.

Alex quickly eats the rest of her food, but savors the last piece of bacon. She thinks of texting Maggie, asking her if she’d told Lena to leave her bacon on for an extra five minutes, but decides against it. There has to be some balance between whatever it was they’d done this weekend and the space Kara so badly wants Alex to take for herself.

Kara re-emerges from the bathroom just as she’s cleaning her dishes, but they don’t talk much more before Alex goes into her room to start to take care of a few things before work. Her chores have gone neglected this week — she skipped laundry day Friday due to her their friends’ arrival — so she gathers a few quarters and throws her uniform in a basket with her other dirty clothes before going downstairs to the communal laundry room.

She decides to return to her room and do homework while she waits for the load to finish. When she hears Lena turn off the shower about halfway through her forty minute timer, she texts Kara that she has dibs on the shower.

_Just finishing laundry then I want to shower before work, ok?_

She fills in the last answer on her worksheet just as her phone dings with a message.

 _Go shower, I’ll take care of your clothes :)_ is Kara’s response, and Alex texts her back several heart emojis before taking her up on the offer.

//

Her shower lasts longer than intended, apparently, because Winn is sitting in the living room when she gets out. She scans the room quickly for Maggie, frowning when she doesn’t see her. She must have dropped Winn off after yoga. Alex wonders if she came up to say goodbye to Lena and Alex had just missed her.

She doesn’t have time to question it though, wrapped only in a towel, so she ducks into her room.

She tries not to feel disappointed — this is the way things are supposed to be in a casual, normal friendship — but she can’t help but try to figure out just where it is Maggie is coming from. She acts one way one minute, and completely differently the next. This morning she’d invited Alex to spend more time with her, and now she didn’t even stick around to say hi.

It’s an insignificant thing to get upset over, and Alex chides herself the entire time she gets dressed.

Kara is going to drive Winn and Lena to the airport, since Alex’s shift is starting soon.

“Let me know what weekends you’re free and we’ll be here,” Lena says to Kara when Alex and Winn hug goodbye. “And maybe we can fly you guys over to us sometime.”

Kara nods, smile warm. “I can’t wait.”

“Bye, Lena,” Alex says, reaching out her arms for a hug, surprising Lena if the look on her face is any indication. “It was really nice to meet you.”

Kara is practically beaming at her over Lena’s shoulder; she knows Alex isn’t usually this forwardly friendly. But Alex can’t help it. There is just something about Lena that seems like she needs the affection, and she really had been a lovely guest this past weekend, despite her cool demeanor at first.

“Likewise,” Lena says.

“As much as I’m enjoying this love fest, kids, we’ve got a flight to catch,” Winn says, clapping his hands together. Alex rolls her eyes as she pulls away. Leave it to Winn to ruin a nice moment.

“Let’s hit the road,” Kara sing-songs, reaching forward to grab Lena’s luggage before the other woman has a chance to pick it up. Alex shakes her head as she follows them out the door, her bad mood unable to stop a small smile from spreading on her face at her friends’ antics as she locks it behind them.

//

Work is slow, even for a Sunday, and she spends most of the time chatting with Vasquez about their lives (she somehow manages to keep the conversation away from Maggie). Apparently Vasquez is going out for some big engineering internship she’s really excited about. It would mean quitting her job at Noonan’s if she gets it, but Alex wouldn’t blame her (though she’s not excited about being stuck with Joe all the time).

Still, she spends most of the night moping. Everything with Maggie this weekend has left her head spinning, and she’s not sure where it’s all going to land. She wants to reach out, maybe text her, but she doesn’t want to seem like she’s coming on too strong. Maggie wanted this to be a one time thing, and Alex has to respect that. She shouldn’t get clingy. She’s just not sure where the line is between friends and something more, and constant communication seems like it might be one of those.

Their last table leaves a few minutes before closing, so they’re able to clean up and get out pretty fast. It’s only half-past ten when they’re finally able to leave. Vasquez is a key-holder, so Alex volunteers to stay and wait with her for everything to be finished for the night; she’s not in any rush to get home and be left alone with her thoughts.

“Night, Alex,” Danny says as he passes her on his way out. Alex waves, mind still too stuck on Maggie to form a proper response.

Vasquez comes out of the back a minute later, flicking the lights off in the dining room. “You okay, Danvers?” she asks, tilting her head.

Alex wishes she were better at not wearing her emotions on her sleeve. That skill would certainly come in useful. “All good,” she confirms nonetheless, forcing a smile to match her thumbs up.

She follows her outside and waits for Vasquez to finish locking up so they can walk to their car together — the parking lot isn’t particularly well-lit at night, and she always feels safer when there’s someone with her.

But when Vasquez turns around, she doesn’t start towards their cars right away.

She hesitates. “I was thinking — the night is still young. You want to grab a drink?”

Alex thinks back to what Kara said to her yesterday, about needing space. Maybe having other friends is part of that. And while she can’t exactly distance herself from Maggie, not when everything is going so badly for her, one night out to get her mind off of things can’t hurt, right?

//

They choose some bar near campus that Vasquez has been to a few times. Alex hasn’t, but she’s not picky. It’s not like she’s exactly knowledgable when it comes to National City’s nightlife.

They’re only halfway done with their first beer when Vasquez says something about an ex- _girlfriend_ and Alex practically slams her bottle down on the table, jaw dropping as she looks at Vasquez.

“Wait, you’re _gay_?”

Vasquez scrunches her nose as she smiles. “You’re kidding me, right? I totally thought you knew!”

“No, I…”

Alex shakes her head. She shouldn’t be so shocked — she should’ve listened to her friends — but she thought surely she would have picked up on something like _that_ about someone she spent so much time with (this time around, at least).

“ _You can’t be that oblivious,”_ Maggie’s voice echoes in her head.

Alex groans. “God, I have the worst fucking gay-dar.”

Vasquez chuckles. “So… you’re telling me that we’re _not_ on a date right now?”

Vasquez lets Alex look mortified for a second before she busts out laughing again.

“I’m screwing with you, Danvers. You’re cute, but you’re not my type.”

Alex drops her head into her hands, feeling her face burn, but she can’t help but laugh along. Vasquez spares her and continues with her story.

They’re almost done with the first round when Alex stops short, almost choking on her beer. She passes it off as laughter at something else Vasquez just said, but in reality her eyes are trained on someone across the room.

 _Maggie_.

And she does not look happy.

Alex watches her as she pulls out her phone, the light from it illuminating an obvious frown on her face as she types something — and not a pleasant something, judging by her fast, angry keystrokes. Alex leans over to follow Maggie with her eyes as she approaches the bar, leaning over to say something to the bartender.

“Uh-oh. That’s not a good face,” Vasquez says. “What’s wrong?”

Alex must have tuned out of the conversation for a bit, because when she turns back to Vasquez her friend looks concerned. She quickly tries to shake the feeling, taking one last glance at Maggie before she shrugs and tries to wave it off.

“It’s nothing,” she says, but Vasquez just raises her eyebrows. Alex sighs. “Okay, it’s not nothing. It’s just — my friend, Maggie, I just caught a glimpse of her across the room and she looks really upset,” Alex explains. “I didn’t even know she was here.”

“Maggie,” Vasquez says, squinting. “You’ve mentioned her before. Is that _the_ friend?”

Alex fidgets. “Yeah.”

“Well, _shit.”_ Vasquez lowers her voice, though Maggie is far away from ear-shot. “Did she see us? Do you think she’s jealous?”

“I don’t think so,” Alex says, shaking her head. “In fact, I really, really doubt it. We uh — kind of slept together a few days ago and afterwards she told me I should move on. Like, specifically with you.”

 _Still_ , Alex can’t help but think, _it’s kind of a big coincidence, right?_

“Wow. That’s kind of harsh,” Vasquez says, laughing, and Alex joins her for a moment before she nervously glances up where Maggie had been standing a few seconds ago, heart sinking when she doesn’t see her anymore. Vasquez seems to pick up on her apprehension. “You should probably go check on that anyway — just in case.”

Alex breathes out a sigh of relief at not having to awkwardly excuse herself. “Thanks. You want anything to drink while I’m up?”

Vasquez picks up her bottle, still mostly full, and shrugs. “No, but if I run out I can get us another round.”

“You’re the best.”

Alex just barely catches sight of Maggie, making her way to the door, and tries to cross the room quick enough to get to her before she’s gone. Some drunk guy awkwardly shuffles in front of her for a few seconds, and by the time she gets around him Maggie is practically out.

“Maggie!” Alex calls out when she’s certain she can’t catch up.

It works; Maggie jerks to a halt before she slowly turns around, glancing at the door before she takes a few steps towards her. “Alex, hey,” she says, voice a little too quiet in the loud bar. She looks even worse up close, and obvious knit in her brow and slight pout to her lip, despite her breezy tone of voice. “Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt.”

Alex shakes her head, a sinking feeling in her chest. She hopes she’s not the cause of Maggie’s distress.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” She closes the rest of the distance between them so she can hear her better. “What are you doing here? This doesn’t seem like your scene.”

“You’re right, it’s not,” Maggie says. She glances behind her, and Alex looks over her shoulder.

Darla is standing near the door, practically glowering at Alex. Alex worries for a second that she might come over here and cause a scene, which is really the last thing she needs, but Darla just sighs and gestures to Maggie that she’ll be waiting outside.

“She called me, drunk off her ass. She says she doesn’t have money for a taxi or anyone else who’d come get her.” Maggie shrugs. “I was her last resort before she drove herself home, so…”

“You’re a good person,” Alex blurts out, and curses herself for drinking her beer so quickly. She’s happy the reason Maggie is upset isn’t about her, in a way, but it’s negated by the fact that it’s _Darla_ that’s got Maggie feeling this way.

Maggie drops her gaze. “Nah, I’m a doormat,” she jokes with a wry smile. “But at least no one will get hurt this way.”

 _Except you_ , Alex thinks, but knows it’s not her place to say.

When Maggie looks back up at Alex there’s something sad in her eyes that makes Alex want to reach forward and hug her, but she knows that’s not a good idea. Instead she wants to say something meaningful that will make all this awkwardness between them dissipate so they can just get on with their lives, but she comes up short.

“Text me if you need anything,” Alex says.

Maggie offers her a thin smile. “Will do,” she promises, but Alex has a feeling it’s insincere.

Alex watches her leave before she turns to make her way back to the small table they’d chosen in the corner of the room. Vasquez has gotten them another round when Alex gets back to it.

“It looked like you might need this,” she says, offering Alex her beer.

“You’re not wrong,” Alex says, taking it. She chugs a few gulps while Vasquez watches with raised eyebrows.

“That bad?”

“She was here to pick up here ex.”

“Ah, so _you’re_ the jealous one.”

“What? No, no, I’m just —” Alex falters, then sighs. “It’s complicated.”

“I’m just messing with you, Alex,” Vasquez says, smirking. It softens after a moment. “But judging by the look on your face, this is more than just a crush, huh?”

Alex takes a long swig of her beer. “You could say that.” Vasquez raises her eyebrows. “I was kind of in love with her in high school.”

“Jeez,” Vasquez says. “How… traditional.”

“Shut up,” Alex says, ducking her head as she blushes.

“So, did she break your heart?”

Alex doesn’t raise her gaze. “Uh, not exactly. I mean, yes, but it was my own fault.”

“Sounds… complicated.”

“It is.” Alex takes a big swig of her beer, and Vasquez chuckles.

“And you decided to make it less complicated by sleeping together?”

Alex rolls her eyes. “I don’t know. It just… felt right?”

Vasquez snorts. “That is the gayest thing I’ve ever heard, Alex Danvers.”

//

The rest of the night is fun, but Alex can’t get her mind off of Maggie, who hopefully has escaped Darla’s grasp by now after dropping her home. She doesn’t want to address the tightening in her chest at the possibility of Maggie not having just left afterwords, that she might be spending the night with her ex at this very moment.

Alex cuts herself off after the second beer, knowing she has to drive herself home if she wants to be able to get to her morning class tomorrow., and not really liking the thoughts swarming her mind because of the alcohol anyway.

“We should do this again,” Vasquez says when they part ways at their cars. “Catch up every once in a while, since I’m not going to be at work anymore.”

“Definitely,” Alex agrees.

“And I want to hear what happens with your girl,” Vasquez says.

A thrill runs through her at the thought of Maggie being just that — her girl — followed by the inevitable disappointment when she remembers that that will never happen, not in this universe, anyway.

//

Alex arrives before Maggie to class Tuesday. She’s managed to hold off on texting her ever since she saw Maggie in the bar the other night. She’d left that door open to Maggie to take advantage of if she wanted to, and she hasn’t. Alex doesn’t want to push it further.

“Your library assignments from last week are up front,” the TA announces from the front of the room. “Please send one member of your group up to collect your copy.”

Alex leaves her bag on her seat as she goes to the front to pick up their paper — knowing Maggie, she’ll probably make it to class with only seconds to spare.

She pulls out her laptop when she gets back to her seat, checking her email before frowning when the time catches her eye in the corner.

_3:58._

_Maggie is really pushing it today,_ she thinks.

But i’s not until Hughes arrives a minute later that Alex actually starts to worry. She reaches into her bag and grabs her phone, quickly unlocking it when she sees she’d gotten a text from Maggie just a minute before.

_Hey, I can’t make it to class today. Can you let me know what the hw is?_

Alex deflates — no Maggie? As nervous as she’d been for seeing her today, she had been looking forward to it.

 _Sure thing,_ she writes back. She glances at the homework in front of her with both of their names scrawled at the top, then continues typing. _You want me to sign you in?_

 _You’re a lifesaver. I owe you one,_ Maggie responds immediately.

Alex slides her phone back into her bag as Hughes starts the class. She only feels a slight pinch of guilt as she glances at Maggie’s signature on their returned homework before copying her name onto the attendance sheet.

//

It’s somehow worse when Maggie doesn’t show up to class on Thursday.

Part of it is that she doesn’t text first, Alex figures. At least Tuesday she’d known Maggie wasn’t going to come — she spends the first five minutes of class Thursday waiting for Maggie to walk in at any minute.

 _She was probably just running late and didn’t want to get lectured,_ Alex reasons at first, but it doesn’t stop the sinking feeling in her stomach that Maggie is avoiding her. She’d texted a “thank you” back after Alex had sent her an email with her notes and the homework assignment, but it’s been radio silence ever since.

She considers signing Maggie in again, but decides against it — what if Maggie had emailed Hughes to tell him she couldn’t make it to class? If she’d wanted Alex to do that for her again, she would’ve texted, right?

She stares at the shape of her phone in her bag occasionally throughout class, hoping to see the screen glowing through the fabric with a notification of a new message.

By the time Hughes is releasing them it’s an hour and twenty minutes later, and Alex has spent the entire class with her eyes trained on the outline of her phone, absorbing little of the lecture. She realizes she’s missed some homework assignment when he says something about emailing him before class next Tuesday, and makes a mental note to check Blackboard later.

//

When she gets home it’s just after dark, and Kara is sitting on the couch, legs folded as she watches TV.

“Chinese is in the fridge,” she announces as soon as Alex closes the door. Alex’s stomach growls in response, and she heats herself up a bowl of fried rice and dumplings before she joins Kara.

She has on some singing show, and Alex leans her head on Kara’s shoulder as she eats. Kara waits for the commercial break to turn to her. “How was your day?”

Alex leans up so she can shrug. “Normal, I guess. Maggie wasn’t in class again.

Kara frowns. “Really? Why?”

“I haven’t asked.”

“Oh,” Kara says, brow pinching. “Do you think it’s her family?”

Alex feels immediately guilty; she hadn’t thought of that. She’d been so obsessed with the idea that Maggie might be avoiding her that she hasn’t stopped to consider the other possibilities. What if something had happened with her dad?

“I should text her,” Alex says, nodding. “Do you mind?”

The show comes back on, and Kara shakes her head before turning her attention back to the television.

Alex pulls out her phone, hesitating as she opens her message thread with Maggie.

 _Hey,_ she types out, then deletes it. She frowns. How does she start this?

_Everything okay? Missed you in class today._

She erases that last part — too personal — then starts typing again.

_Class is boring without you._

That’s better. She presses send and tucks her phone back into her pocket, sure to put it on vibrate mode first. That doesn’t stop her from checking it every fifteen minutes with increasing disappointment to make sure she hadn’t missed a message from Maggie (she hadn’t). Maggie doesn’t text her back at all that night, even though Alex forces herself to stay up as late as she can with Kara on the couch.

She ends up falling asleep on Kara’s shoulder, and is woken to Kara shaking her at one in the morning.

“C’mon, sleepy head,” she says, and Alex’s mind immediately thinks of Maggie the other morning, smiling at her in the morning light. She quickly reaches for her phone, only to find herself disappointed for one last time that night.

//

Maggie finally texts her back while she’s in class Friday morning. She’s given up on checking obsessively at that point, and doesn’t notice until class is over that she has a notification.

 _Sorry,_ is the first thing Maggie texted, followed quickly by another message. _I lost my phone for a bit. I’ll be in class Tuesday, promise._

Alex isn’t sure what to say — it’s already been an hour since Maggie texted her — so she just types back a smiley face accompanied by an exclamation point. She doesn’t expect it to get a response, but it doesn’t stop her from starting to check her phone very few minutes again throughout her next class, nor the twinge of hurt every time she sees there isn’t a new message waiting for her besides one from Kara that says she’ll be working late tonight and to not wait up for her.

Not in the mood to cook, Alex picks herself up some dinner on the way home and opts for the couch over the table when she sits down to eat her burger and fries. She scrolls through the channels before she settles on some rerun of Law and Order: SVU that she’s sure she’s seen a hundred times before.

 _You need this,_ she tells herself. _A quiet Friday night to yourself. You would’ve loved this just a month ago._

Still, that doesn’t stop her from practically leaping up when she hears her phone ding from the charger across the room a few minutes later.

This time, she’s not disappointed.

 _Hughes posted a group assignment for Tuesday,_ Maggie’s message reads.

Alex sees that Maggie keeps starting to type then erasing it, and she waits for almost a full minute for another message to come through.

_Want to come work on it at my place?_

Alex’s heart thuds in her chest. She can’t do that, can she? Go spend the night at Maggie’s place?

 _Not spend the night,_ she corrects herself quickly. That’s not what Maggie’s asking for her, just for them to work on some homework together. She’d be being ridiculous if she said no. They’re supposed to be group partners, after all, and it’s not like she can set aside her homework just do deal with her personal problems.

 _Sure thing. I’ll be there in forty,_ she writes back, then sets her phone back down to charge.

She runs into her room to change her shirt, not wanting to smell like french fries. It takes her a few minutes to choose one, for reasons she doesn’t want to think about, and she settles on a comfy sweater that hugs her hips just right. She throws out the trash from her dinner, turns off the television, and scratches out a quick note to Kara just in case her sister beats her home. Knowing Cat Grant, she won’t.

She spends the ride planning strategies to keep herself from… well, embarrassing herself like she’s so prone to do around Maggie. She just has to get through this once and prove to herself she can still be with Maggie one-on-one after they’d had their “just once.” After tonight, things will be easy sailing.

Tonight, however, is not.

Alex takes the long way, avoiding the traffic leading up to campus through a back road. It takes her nearly an hour for her to get to Maggie’s apartment after she’d texted her “forty minutes,” but Alex needs the extra time to calm her nerves. She wishes Kara wasn’t busy, and briefly considers texting Vasquez, but she doesn’t want to keep Maggie waiting for much longer.

 _You’ll be fine,_ she reminds herself. _It’s just Maggie._

Nothing about Maggie is “just” anything, but Alex doesn’t have time to argue with her inner cheerleader — she’s here. She parks in the guest spots to the side of Maggie’s building. She decides to take the stairs, unsure what the few extra seconds will do but somehow needing them anyway. She forces herself not to hesitate once she reaches Maggie’s door, raising her fist to knock a few quick times before waiting.

Maggie opens the door, and all the breath leaves Alex’s lungs. “Hey,” she manages as it escapes.

Maggie blinks, then smiles. “Hey,” she responds, sounding almost breathless. “You uh — you came. I was starting to worry about you.”

Alex blushes, and Maggie bites her lip (which doesn’t help things at all).

“Of course I came, silly,” she says. Maggie steps aside to let her in. “I’ve missed you.”

The words slip out before she can stop them, and she’s happy she’s facing the other way as she shrugs her coat off her shoulders. But Maggie is smiling a little bashfully when Alex turns back around, and Alex can’t help but feel somewhat happy with herself.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I had to deal with… some stuff,” Maggie says, waving a hand. Alex frowns, but it’s pretty obvious Maggie doesn’t want to go into it. “But thanks for coming to catch me up.”

Alex’s ears tinge a little — she’s not going to be much help in that department, she’s afraid — and she’s about to say as much when Maggie tilts her head. “You didn’t bring anything with you?” she asks.

Alex’s eyes widen. “Shit. I forgot my bag!” she says, patting her sides as if it’s going to suddenly appear there. She thinks back — she didn’t just leave it in the car, she’d forgotten it on the couch before she’d left her apartment. There goes her textbook and laptop.

She doesn’t even know what the assignment is.

Maggie, god bless her soul, gives her an out. “That’s okay. We have all weekend to work on it. It’s kind of been a long week, maybe we can just… chill?”

Alex feels suddenly relaxed. Maggie doesn’t have high expectations of her, at least. “Yeah, of course.”

“Drink?” Maggie offers as she walks into the kitchen.

Alex nods, but decides she wants something non-alcoholic, just to be safe. “Got any soda?”

“Sprite okay?”

“Non-caffinated, just the way I like it after dark,” Alex says, earning her an eye roll from Maggie.

“Please. I’ve seen you drink coffee at midnight.”

“It could be decaf for all you know,” Alex points out.

“Is it?”

“… No.”

Maggie already was watching something on Netflix before she’d arrived, though she navigates away before Alex has a chance to see what it is. “Criminal Minds?” she asks as she pulls up the search screen.

“Sounds perfect,” Alex agrees.

They settle into the couch, Maggie positioning herself so she’s sitting sideways, her back leaning against the armrest and her feet tucked in near Alex’s legs. The distance is appreciated, Alex thinks, but she still wishes she could close it and just touch Maggie, even if it’s just to cuddle.

 _Clingy,_ she scolds in her head, but that doesn’t stop the nagging feeling.

It’s halfway into the first episode when Alex first notices it. Her phone buzzes in her pocket, and as she reaches down to grab it, Maggie catches her eye, clearly looking at Alex instead of the screen. She looks away as soon as their eyes meet, but it still sends a slight shock through Alex.

She wishes that they were studying; it’s a lot safer than sitting on the couch in a dark room together. She forces herself to concentrate on texting back Vasquez, who’d sent her some meme, and tries to ignore the feeling of Maggie’s eyes on her as she slips it back into her pocket.

It happens again when she leans forward to get a sip of her soda, chancing a glance over at Maggie when she raises the can to her lips. Sure enough, their eyes meet, and Maggie quickly tears her gaze away.

They make it another twenty minutes before Maggie leans forward and suddenly presses pause.

Alex’s heart stops.

“Can I ask you something, Danvers?” Maggie’s voice is soft, delicate, and Alex hangs on every word. She nods as soon as the words leave Maggie’s mouth, unable to take any delay in finding out what it is Maggie has to tell her. “You and uh, Susan… were you guys on a date the other night?”

“No,” she’s quick to answer. “We’re just friends. She’s not my type,” she says, borrowing Vasquez’s words from the other night.

Maggie is visibly relieved, her shoulders relaxing as she leans back into the couch. “Good,” she says, then shakes her head. “Well, not good, you’re, you know, free to date whoever you want, it’s just that…” Maggie trails off and uncrosses her arms.

Alex nods along even though she’s not quite sure where Maggie is going with this.

“Since you’re not…” Maggie sits up, and Alex’s heart returns with fervor, pounding harder in her chest with every inch Maggie closes between them. “I’ve been thinking…”

“Yeah?” Alex asks, voice embarrassingly constricted. But she can’t help it — Maggie’s face to face with her now, her features glowing in the light of the paused show, and Alex has to resist the urge to reach out and touch.

“We’re both adults, right? And there’s no reason — if there’s something we want, we should be able to have it, right?”

It’s dark, but Alex can see that Maggie’s eyes are trained on her lips, and she swallows thickly. “Right.” She gets brave. “What do you want, Maggie?”

Maggie puffs out a breath of laughter — and Alex wonders briefly if she’ll _ever_ know the answer to that question — before she catches Alex off-guard, surging up and connecting their mouths.

Alex may be taken aback, but that doesn’t stop her from responding immediately, hands quickly rising to cup Maggie’s face. The kiss is hot, desperate, but familiar in a way she isn’t used to and Alex finds herself melting into it, letting her mind go completely silent for the first time all week as Maggie climbs on top of her.

Her body knows what to do this time, hands instinctively sliding down to squeeze that spot above Maggie’s hip bones that had her squirming last time they were together. Maggie gasps into her mouth, but recovers quickly, sucking Alex’s bottom lip in between her teeth so she can roll her tongue over it. Alex’s thumbs dig against her hips and pulls her downwards, and Maggie pulls away to breathe.

Alex opens her eyes, grateful for how well adjusted they are when she’s able to see Maggie, legs straddled across her lap, lips shining and parted as she tries to catch her breath.

 _What happened to just once?_ she can’t help but wonder, but pushes the thought down. She doesn’t want to think about that right now. She can think later.

“What do you want?” Alex repeats, hands still tangled in Maggie’s hair.

Maggie pushes herself off of Alex, and she misses the heat of her touch until Maggie says something that makes her flush all over.

“Come to bed with me?”

Alex doesn’t hesistate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my lovely Katina, as always, who puts up with me talking about this fic all the time and fixes my typos :) 
> 
> If you'd like to follow me I'm on Tumblr and Twitter at aka-patsywalker. I'd love to hear from you on what you'd like to see. Also, I know this week was rough, so please reach out if you need someone to talk to. 
> 
> The next chapter will be from Maggie's POV. For those of you following along with Communion by Years & Years, next chapter will be a continuation of song 11 on the album, Without. For those who haven't been listening, I suggest you give it a try. For the purposes of the fic, try to listen to the deluxe version if you can!


	15. how could i have known - you're a universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one, so buckle in. Again, a little ahead of schedule thanks to everyone who has left a review or gotten in touch on twitter and tumblr :)

Maggie wakes up on Saturday morning tangled in Alex. 

She’d dreamed of the two of them on a dance floor, Alex in a familiar red dress as she held out her hand to Maggie. Alex’s arms had looped around her neck as they swayed, her cheek coming to rest against Maggie’s temple. She can still feel the kiss pressed against her forehead when she wakes with a start, expecting to be filled with disappointment. But today Alex isn’t just a dream, she’s _there,_ head leaning against her chest and Maggie feels like she can’t breathe. 

Her first thought is that this is not safe; just because Alex had some silly crush on her in high school doesn't mean they're on an even playing field here. For Alex this is closure. For Maggie it's something much more dangerous. 

Too dangerous to let herself lay here and enjoy the warmth of Alex's body, curled around hers as she sleeps. 

Still, she doesn’t pull away at first. She lets her eyes flit along Alex’s face, younger and more peaceful in sleep, the usual pinch between her brow relaxed. Maggie remembers how Alex leaned forward and kissed her in the dark last night, after all was said and done, and wonders if it would be crossing a line to kiss Alex’s forehead now.

Deep down, she knows the answer: she needs to get out of here. 

She moves slowly, careful to not wake Alex as she extracts their intertwined limbs. She can’t deal with the ‘morning after’ stuff, not today. Not that there will be another opportunity, no more mornings after — this can’t happen again. 

Alex has turned to face the window in Maggie’s absence, the tee-shirt Maggie had hastily thrown at her last night hanging off her shoulders. Still, Maggie can remember the way she'd looked the night before, her skin glowing in soft yellow light cast across the room as she moved above her. 

_This can't happen again._

She takes a glance behind her when she reaches the door, and Alex, as if sensing Maggie is there, rolls over in her sleep to face her. 

It strikes her then that this is something straight out of a memory — nights spent in Alex’s twin-sized bed after climbing through her window, leaving the way she’d came each time after Alex had fallen fast asleep. How many times had she sat on the sill to take one last look at Alex? 

Maggie lets her gaze linger for a second, trying to memorize at least this little moment, soft and peaceful, before she tears it away and opens the door.

Last night felt too much like something she'll never have. 

//

_It can’t happen again._

It becomes a sort of mantra throughout the day. She repeats it in her head when she catches Alex staring at her in the kitchen, and again when she finds herself doing the same to Alex from across the cafe while she and Winn wait for their breakfast. 

 _It can’t happen again._ Just the thought hurts, but she needs to desensitize herself to it if she's going to get through this with any sort of friendship with Alex left intact. 

Winn pulls her out of her thoughts just before they reach the front of the line. 

“Will you stick by me today? Just make sure I'm not alone with Kara until Alex gets to talk to her,” he asks, glancing nervously around them, as if Kara might appear at any moment. 

At Winn’s insistence, Alex promised to talk to Kara today about what had happened between them, which has Maggie oddly nervous — not that she has anything to hide from the younger Danvers. Kara's an adult; surely she can handle her sister sleeping with someone. 

 _You're not just someone,_ she reminds herself. 

 _Kara’s your friend_ , some part of her has the sense to argue, but it doesn’t stop her heartbeat from ticking up each minute they get closer to seeing Kara and everyone else. 

Winn’s proposal doesn't sound like such a bad idea to Maggie. “Sounds good.” 

//

The plan works for a while. They take separate cars, Alex sticking with Kara, and Winn doesn’t leave her side while they’re at CatCo. For the first few hours, things are fine — that is until they go out to lunch at Noonan’s and run into Alex’s _friend._

Susan Vasquez is a short girl with a bubbly smile, and she immediately makes Maggie’s insides twist with the way she looks at Alex, hand on her shoulder. Alex smiles back, and Maggie sinks further into her seat, feeling suddenly weighed down. She forces her attention to the menu, though she’s not really reading it as her friends talk around her. 

When Vasquez returns she orders the first thing that comes to mind — the reuben Alex mentioned earlier — and tries to ignore Vasquez’s dimples as she smiles at Alex.  

It’s distracting. She hasn't felt jealously like this since high school, since _Tommy._ And even then, it was sharper, an anger fueled by the fact that she didn't know what she was to Alex. He was a threat to their existence, as delicate as it was. Now, she knows exactly where she stands. Alex doesn't want her; she can't get in the way of her being with someone that could actually make her happy.  It’s a dull sort of ache in comparison, an old throbbing scar. 

Alex doesn’t want her, and she certainly has no right to hold Alex back. 

Still, when Alex goes to talk to Vasquez about Kara’s order, Maggie knows she needs a break. Dull or not, she’s not in the mood for heartache this afternoon. 

She decides to escape to the bathroom, but she’s not quick enough to miss Alex’s laughter across the restaurant just before she ducks inside. 

The water from the sink won’t heat up past lukewarm, so Maggie just soaks her hands for a few minutes as she watches it pour out the faucet. It’s therapeutic, in a way. The rushing water lets her drown out the noise in her mind for a minute and focus on just what it is she’s really doing here. 

She’d kissed Alex the first time on her couch because she was brokenhearted and a little drunk and Alex was _there_. Though that isn’t really why she kissed her, is it? She’d be kidding herself if she tried to say it had nothing to do with the fact that she used to be in love with Alex, like she wasn’t fulfilling some old high school dream of making out with her straight best friend.

_Alex hasn’t been your best friend for years, and she isn’t straight._

It’s hard for her to separate her thoughts about Alex then and Alex now, but sometimes it feels like they’re completely different people. Alex _then_ was forward about her feelings towards Maggie — besides the whole, “I think you’re hot,” thing. Then, they were best friends. Alex said she was lucky to have met her, that she was excited for their life together. 

Now she has no idea what she is to Alex. And she certainly doesn’t know what Alex is to her. 

So maybe that second kiss hadn’t been the best idea, and definitely not what came after it. But she’d somehow convinced herself that she deserved it, just one night with Alex, and Alex seemed more than happy to indulge her in that. She couldn’t stop thinking about it once she’d kissed Alex, that maybe Alex could want her back in even the smallest of ways. And she was happy to satisfy Alex’s curiosity about her high school crush. 

It was mutually beneficial. 

So why does she feel like such shit? 

 _Because you want more,_ is the obvious answer. But more isn’t on the table, or even on the menu, so Maggie just concentrates on washing her hands and hoping that Alex is back with their friends by the time Maggie leaves this bathroom. 

If only she were so lucky.

She doesn’t notice Alex at first when she slips into the bathroom, catching her in the mirror after god knows how long. 

“Danvers, hey,” she says. She tries to think of an excuse for what she’s been doing staring at the faucets for the past few minutes, just in case Alex has been there for more than just a couple of seconds. “I figured I'd wash my hands since I got a sandwich.”

Alex’s lips press together in a thin smile. “Good idea. I hope the reuben lives up to my recommendation.”

It’s a little too formal, and it makes Maggie uncomfortable. Alex being nervous makes her nervous. “The burgers were passable, so I'm not too worried.” The joke doesn’t seem to lighten the mood, Alex’s eyes remaining downcast as she watches Maggie’s hands. The attention makes her squirm — there’s something Alex obviously isn’t saying, and Maggie has a feeling she knows what it is. “So, you and that Vasquez girl, huh?”

Alex looks up sharply. “Uh — yeah, Kara's nuts, huh?”

Her eyes don’t leave Maggie’s in the mirror as she waits for her reaction. Maggie thinks she knows what she needs to say, what Alex is waiting for. “Well, I think you should go for it.”

“Go for it?” Alex asks.

She can’t make this easy, can she? Maggie nods, doing her best to seem encouraging. “I mean, she clearly likes you. You should ask her out, if you want to.”

Alex blinks, then shakes her head. “I can't do that. I mean, I — she doesn't — Vasquez isn't gay.”

Maggie resists the urge to snort. Alex and her infamous gaydar… But the way Vasquez had touched Alex’s shoulder, leaving her hand there until she’d taken all of their orders. And that _smile_ — Maggie recognizes that look, she’s given it to Alex herself god knows how many times when she was infatuated with her in high school.

 “I don't know, Darla thought she was checking me out that night. Come on, Danvers, have some confidence. She's flirting with you. You can't be that oblivious.”

Alex doesn’t look convinced. “I’m not. We're just friends.”

Maggie sighs. She won’t push it — it’s not like she actively wants Alex to see other people, just to know that she’s free to do so. She steels herself for what she’s about to say. “I’m just saying... I don't want you not doing anything because of me. Last night was fun and all, but... you should go on dates, if you want to.”

Alex just looks at her. “Right,” she says after a few long seconds, and _thank god_ because Maggie doesn’t think she could say that with a straight face again. “Okay, yeah. Thanks.”

Maggie nods, finally turning off the tap. She shakes her hands a few times before turning to Alex with a smile. “I'll see you out there.”

//

Winn glares at her as soon as they’re back in her car. “Way to totally abandon me with Kara before lunch.” 

Maggie’s eyes widen. “Shit, I totally forgot. Did she ask?”

Winn looks smug. “I used my master diversion tactics to steer the conversation away as soon as it arose.”

“Is _that_ why you knocked over your water?” Lena asks from the back seat. 

Maggie snorts. “Yeah, that’ll work.” 

“It did,” Winn says proudly. 

She puts the car in gear, and Winn fiddles with the radio for the first few minutes of their drive before sitting back in his seat, finally satisfied with whatever is playing.

Maggie braces herself for the conversation she’s certain is coming, and sure enough Winn barely gets through one song before he turns to Maggie. “So… you and Alex in the bathroom, huh?” 

“No,” Maggie is quick to shut him down.

“No? So you _weren’t_ in a small room together for several long minutes this afternoon?”

“There’s nothing sexy about a bathroom, Winn.” 

“What?” he splutters. “No! I meant — I meant talking.” Maggie chuckles as his ears turn red. “Did you guys talk?” 

“Yes.”

“And?”

“And what?”

He lets out an exaggerated sigh. “It was the first time you guys talked to each other after sleeping together, that’s kind of a big deal.”

Maggie groans internally. _Guess Lena knows now._ Lena, to her credit, doesn’t comment on what Winn’s just said, and just continues tapping away on her phone. 

“It wasn’t,” Maggie says. “I uh — I told her she should ask out the waitress chick.”

“ _What?”_ Maggie keeps her gaze on the road, but she can see Winn flail out of the corner of her eye. “That’s crazy, Maggie. I know I maybe didn’t sound so supportive earlier, but that’s just because I think you should be _less_ casual about this whole thing. If anyone should be dating Alex, it’s you.”

“It’s not going to happen, Winn.” 

“Lena, you know your gay stuff, back me up here,” Winn says, twisting to face Lena in the backseat. 

 _Lena?_ Maggie glances at her in the rear-view. _Huh. Maybe I need to work on my own gay-dar._

Lena takes a moment to compose her thoughts. “Well let me just say I may not know the history between you two, but Alex doesn’t strike me as a particularly warm and friendly person. Not to say she’s cold — she  just practically melts around you.”

“Yeah, well there’s a _lot_ of history,” Maggie says. She’s gone over the synopsis of their story many times in her head, though, so she’s prepared. “Alex and I were best friends for a few months in high school. She stopped speaking to me when she found out I was in love with her. I always thought it was because I was gay, but now… I don’t know.” She sighs. “It’s just too complicated.” 

Lena nods. “It sounds it.” She waits a moment. “Does that mean you should just throw it away, though? Maybe… regardless of your pasts or what happened in high school, maybe you should let bygones be bygones and consider going for it. Because right now? It kind of sounds like she’s into you.”

Maggie wishes she could believe that. “Yeah, I’ve heard that before actually,” she says, casting a side glance at Winn. “Trust me guys, I know Alex. I’m not what she’s looking for.” 

Maggie has plenty of experience in relationships to know that she’s not really worth dating. Inevitably she isn’t caring enough, or attentive, or involved, or anything, really. Even if Alex was interested, their friendship has been through enough without Maggie getting her hands on it. 

//

Winn drags her from statue to statue throughout National City Park to take selfies, and even makes her take a picture with him at a particularly impressive bush. It’s fun to lose herself in spending time with her friend for a few hours. She tries not to pay attention to how Alex is acting a little off, hanging back and not really interacting with Maggie, Kara and Winn. She’s not going to let it bother her for now, she decides — there will be plenty of time to obsess over what all of this means later. 

For now, Winn is here, and she’s going to enjoy that. Even if it means taking an abundance of photographs together, including one of him posing heroically on top of a rock. 

“Hey Winn, get one of me and Maggie!” Kara calls up to him. She hands him her phone before skipping up next to Maggie and slinging and arm around her shoulders. 

Maggie flashes a smile at Winn, trying to hide the doubt from her face at the thought that Kara might not be happy about the idea of her and Alex together. Not that that situation would ever even arise — but still, it hurts to know that there’s another thing she’s not quite good enough for. 

Kara squeezes her shoulder in, hugging her before letting go. She doesn’t _seem_ to hate Maggie, so why did Alex seem worried? 

She glances over at Alex, who seems to be having a good enough time with James, Lucy and Lena,  and reminds herself that she can think about this all later; right now is for enjoying the short amount of time they have with their friends. 

//

Maggie, Lena and Winn head back to the Danvers’ apartment while Kara and Alex take James and Lucy to their bus stop. 

Lena has volunteered to cook dinner, and sets about checking the pantry and fridge for possible ingredients. Winn offers to help, and the kitchen is way too tiny for three people so Maggie wanders into the living room in an attempt to get out of the way.  

She hasn’t spent much time in this room — she’s only been here two or three times, and one of those was spent almost entirely in Alex’s bedroom, and the other with the living room rearranged for their game night. 

There’s the large, lumpy green couch that Maggie was happy to discover is actually much more comfortable than it looks; a television surrounded by DVDs, a few older consoles and video games; a shelf practically stuffed with books and a collection of framed pictures hanging on the wall next to the TV. Maggie walks over to those. 

She finds herself staring at one photo in particular — Alex, Winn and James in blue and white graduation gowns, smiles wide as they pose with Kara. Alex is stooped, Kara’s arm slung over her neck, and she’s not looking at the camera as she grins, scrunching her nose at something off frame. 

It hurts to look at, seeing Alex happy on a day that for her was pretty awful. 

“Well, Lena has kicked me out of the kitchen in record time tonight, so I —“ Winn’s voice surprises her from the doorway. He stops, taking in Maggie’s folded arms and pinched brow. “Oh, sorry. You uh… okay in here?”

Maggie nods, biting her cheek. “Yeah, I’m just — reminiscing,” she says after a second, practically sighing out the last word, and Winn frowns.

“You sound… angry,” Winn notes, glancing at the photos on the wall. He finds what is bothering her after just a second, the centerpiece of the display. “Oh. Alex?”

She shakes her head. “I’m not angry,” Maggie insists, then sighs. “Or maybe I am, I don’t know. No, _no_ , I’m not — I mean it’s not like she meant to hurt me back then. She just was dealing with her own shit.” She sighs, unsure of whether or not she should share be telling Winn all of this. It isn’t really her place, but she needs him to understand. “Apparently I made her realize she’s gay.”

Winn looks pensive for a moment. “That…. that makes a lot of sense. Okay. Well, she could’ve handled it a little better,” he points out, raising his hands when Maggie gives him an unhappy look. “Just saying.”

“I guess,” Maggie says. She goes back and forth about how she feels about this herself. “No one gets to choose how it happens though. It’s a hard thing for everyone.” 

This Winn seems to understand, or at least realize he isn’t really in a place to comment on, because he just nods. Though after a moment, his brow furrows. “But wait — if you’re the one who was like, her ‘gay awakening’ or whatever, then why are you worried about her not being into you?”

Maggie shrugs. “It’s not really like that. The first person that made me realize I was gay — I thought she was hot, but it wasn’t like… I wasn’t in love with her or anything. When you’re at that stage of realizing I don’t think you can really _love_ someone. It’s all so much more basic than that.”

Winn chews on his lip. “Maybe. But this is Alex we’re talking about here. She was pretty much obsessed with you there for a minute in high school.”

Maggie’s face hardens as she looks back at the photo on the wall. “Yeah, and then she cut me out and didn’t talk to me for four years.” 

It has more bite to it than she intends, and Winn lets out a low whistle. “Okay, see now that was _definitely_ anger.” 

Maggie chews her lip, thinking. She doesn’t _feel_ mad at Alex, at least not when they’re together. It’s just times like these, when she really has time to think about everything that’s happened… “It’s just hard not to be mad at someone who hurt you, you know?” she finishes her thoughts out-loud. 

Winn reaches out to squeeze her shoulder. “I know.” 

Maggie sniffs, straightens her back. She shouldn’t be letting herself get so upset when Alex and Kara could be back any time. She needs to shake this off. “I think I’m going to see if Lena needs any help in the kitchen. Alex and Kara should be back soon.”

“Okay,” Winn says with a thin smile. “And hey — just be careful, okay? And if you need to talk, I’m always here.” 

Maggie smiles. “Thanks, Winn.” 

She slips in a hug for good measure and goes to see what she can do to help dinner along. 

//

Alex and Kara arrive with arms full of grocery bags a few minutes later. Lena already has a sauce going and has Maggie breading chicken breasts when they walk through the door. 

“Delivery!” Kara calls cheerfully. “We got the good stuff.” 

The good stuff includes two loaves of bread that Lena is going to melt garlic butter and cheese on that has Kara practically drooling, an obscene amount of cheese (including a whole one of those premade platters with the pepperoni and crackers) and several packages of cookies that Maggie is 99% sure Lena did not ask them to get. Kara confirms this when she rips open the Oreos before the rest of the groceries are even put away. 

“Hungry?” Lena asks with a smile, and Kara blushes, quickly closing the package back up after taking a small handful.

“They’re my favorite cookie,” Kara explains. 

Alex laughs. “They’re all your favorite cookie.” 

“And cookies aren’t a great appetizer,” Maggie says. “That cheese platter on the other hand…” 

“Is very large,” Lena points out. “Would you guys mind eating that in the other room?” 

“This kitchen is tiny,” Kara agrees, grabbing the black plastic tray and bringing it with her into the living room. 

Maggie is grateful when Alex volunteers to take over for her so she can go have some before the others eat it all, but she can’t help but tease her a little before she goes. 

“You sure you can handle that?” she asks, scrunching her nose. “I remember Kara saying something about you only being able to make grilled cheese.” 

“Well, I did learn from the best — maybe all my other cooking just pales in comparison?” Alex smiles, and Maggie returns it without thinking. The connection lasts for just a second too long, an almost magnetic force drawing her gaze to Alex’s mouth. She finds herself not wanting to look away, but Alex does it for her, turning back to the food. “Besides, you guys have done most of the work already.” 

“It was all Lena,” Maggie says, earning her a grin from Lena before she leaves the room. 

Kara and Winn are having a hushed conversation on the couch, and both snap their heads up quickly as soon as she enters the living room. 

_Great, wonder what they were talking about._

“Maggie, hey!” Winn says cheerily. “We were just… talking.” Kara shoots him a glare. “Talking about this cheese. It’s delicious!” He quickly shoves a cracker into his mouth. 

Kara has a little more grace, scooting over so Maggie can sit next to her on the couch. “You’ve got to try the muenster.” She smiles, and it sets Maggie at ease a little. At least whatever worries Alex had about talking to Kara hadn’t panned out, assuming they had their talk. Kara is still her friend. 

//

Maggie forces herself to stay out of her head for the rest of the night. Dinner is delicious, the movie is funny, and Alex is acting perfectly normal around her. There are more than enough positives to focus on; she’s not going to let herself ruin this, not tonight.

So she’s more than happy to play along when Kara announces she wants to build a pillow fort, though she does make sure she sets up her spot far away from Alex. That doesn’t turn out to be the best idea when she realizes that this lets her watch Alex more than the movie, which she has a hard time resisting. She catches herself staring at Alex more than once during their game of Cards Against Humanity, gaze lingering for an extra second  each time Alex would laugh at one of Kara’s cards. 

 _It can’t happen again,_ she recites in her head, but it’s starting to sound less convincing each time she repeats it. 

//

It’s the dead of night when Maggie wakes to her phone buzzing from her jeans pocket across the room. She’s slow to rise, and she must have missed the first couple rings, because by the time she’s sitting up it’s already stopped. When it immediately begins to ring again, Maggie decides it must be important for whoever it is to be calling at this late of an hour. 

She moves as quietly as she can out of the bed and fort, looking around for somewhere to go take this call. She hasn’t been in Kara’s room, and it’d feel rude to intrude. The kitchen isn’t really an option — the cutaway window won’t really block the noise and she doesn’t want to wake Winn on the couch. And she doesn’t trust herself to go in Alex’s room. There’s only one other option. She swipes to answer the call and opens the sliding glass door to the balcony. 

“Hello?” she says, voice still a whisper despite the fact that she’s out of earshot. She hadn’t had time to check who had been calling, but she recognizes the voice as soon as she starts speaking. 

“I’m sorry for calling so late, I hope I didn’t wake you.” 

“Aunt Linda,” Maggie says, surprised. She’s not sure who she was expecting — Darla, probably, considering the time of night. But not her _aunt;_ if she’s calling this late, that means something is wrong. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” her aunt assures her, and Maggie breathes a sigh of relief. It dissolves into a shiver in the cold air, and Maggie wishes she had had time to grab a jacket. “I’m fine,” she repeats. “But your father…” 

Maggie braces herself. “What’s wrong?” 

“He’s sick,” she says. “It’s cancer.”

“What?” Maggie asks. Her father, the doctor, was always the picture of health. He couldn’t — he _can’t be_ dying. “What kind?”

“Colon.” 

“How far along?” 

“It’s stage four.” Her heart clenches — her grandmother had died of the very same thing. He was supposed to go get his colon checked every year. Had he forgotten? 

“How long?” she asks, unable to form a longer sentence. 

Now, her aunt hesitates. “He got diagnosed a year ago. They moved to Metropolis a few months ago to be near a treatment center, but the cancer has stopped responding. They can’t operate. They’re giving him a few months at best.” 

“They… they moved?” 

She hears the sigh on the other side of the line. “They didn’t tell me either, sweetheart,” her aunt tells her. “They didn’t tell me about any of it.” 

Maggie believes her — her aunt has shown no loyalty to her mother, her only sister, since she’d thrown Maggie out on her own. Still, it does little to comfort her. 

“Thank you for telling me,” she says. “Keep me updated if you hear anything else, okay?” 

“Okay. I love you. Come and visit me sometime, yeah?” 

“Of course, Aunt Linda. Good night.”

She hears the telltale beep that means her aunt has hung up and lowers her phone, staring at the screen. She doesn’t realize she’s crying until a teardrop lands splashes against it, and she quickly brushes her tears away, sniffling. She’s not going to cry over _him_ , not after everything they’ve been through. 

The sliding door opens behind her, and she barely needs to cast the quick glance behind her to know it’s Alex. Of course it’s Alex, it’s always Alex. 

Her eyes start to swim again.

Alex’s voice is soft as she speaks from near the door. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah,” Maggie is quick to assure her, but her voice shakes even with just the one-word answer. “I mean, no, it's not, I...” Maggie swallows, not sure how to phrase this. “I just got off the phone with my aunt. My dad, he's — he's sick.”

“Oh.” Alex wavers, then takes a step closer to Maggie. “Is he... is it bad?”

“He has cancer.” It feels strange to say it out loud, and it doesn’t get any better as she continues. “It's not operable. They've given him a few months.” 

“I'm sorry,” Alex says, voice genuine, closer now. Maggie closes her eyes, not ready to see Alex.  “What do you want to do?”

Maggie’s throat somehow tightens more. “There's nothing to do. They're in some treatment center in Metropolis.” She lets out a wry laugh. _Metropolis — their new home, without you._ “Yeah, apparently they uh — they moved there last year.”

Alex pauses, then sounds shocked. “They moved to Metropolis? Without telling you?”

Maggie laughs, but it comes out choked, and she barely keeps it from sounding like a sob. “It's dumb, right? My dad is dying and I'm more upset they sold our house without letting me know they were leaving.” Another tear slips out, and Maggie ducks her head in time to hide it from Alex. ”I mean, who doesn't know where their own parents live?”

“That's not dumb, Maggie,” Alex insists, but Maggie just shakes her head. It’s selfish, at the very least. But Alex disagrees. “They're your parents. They're supposed to be there for you, or at least let you know where they are.”

Maggie's knuckles going white against the railing of the balcony. “That's a little hard, since they haven't spoken to me in four years and all.”

Alex doesn’t know what to say to that, clearly, because she just stands a little closer. Maggie isn’t complaining — it’s freezing out here, and Alex is warm. They stand in each other’s warmth for a few minutes, neither speaking. 

“I always thought he'd come around, somehow,” Maggie finally breaks the silence. “But now he's dying, and he's never going to —” she stops to take a shaky breath that turns into a sigh. “I thought I'd talk to him again someday.”

“Do you want to try to?”

Maggie shakes her head. “No. I don't even know what I'd say if I got the chance. I wouldn't even know he was sick if it weren't for my aunt. They weren't going to tell me.”

“That's terrible,” Alex says. “I’m sorry. They shouldn't treat you like that.”

Maggie sniffles. “Yeah, well, they do. What're you going to do, right?”

Maggie doesn’t look over, but she can practically see Alex, anxiously wringing her hands as the silence hangs between them for a moment. Somewhere in the back of her brain, part of her wants to laugh — how can Alex of all people criticize her parents for what they did, shunning Maggie after she told them she’s gay? 

But all that comes out is a heavy sigh. Alex had her reasons, and at least those she can sympathize with. Her parents are a different story. 

“Your aunt, is she...” Alex leaves the question dangling, and Maggie fills in the rest for her. 

“She's my mom's sister,” Maggie explains. Even though they weren’t close when she was growing up, her aunt has been there whenever Maggie has needed her since high school. “She's cool. I spend my holidays with her. She doesn't talk to my mom much, especially after she and my dad kicked me out. She was with me in the hospital, when I got in my accident. She was good to me — she took care of me that whole break until I went back to school.”

Not to mention she took her in when Maggie’s parents kicked her out. So yeah, she’s cool. 

 But Alex seems to be stuck on something else. “I’m sorry. I - I should have been there.”

Maggie sucks in a sharp breath. “Yeah, well —” She presses her lips together, then sighs. She wasn’t trying to make Alex feel bad. She’s not even sure that Alex _should_ feel bad, despite the small, angry nagging voice in the back of her head. She pushes it aside. “At least you're here now,” she says.

Maggie isn’t ready for what comes next. Alex reaches out, her hand covering Maggie’s for the briefest of seconds — a quick jolt of electricity runs through her veins — before Maggie quickly pulls her hand away.

_It can’t happen again._

Maggie clears her throat. “You know, I think we should probably get to bed. It's cold out here.”

“Yeah, you're right,” Alex says, though her voice betrays her. Maggie feels bad. It’s not her fault that Maggie can’t control herself. “It's pretty late.”

Maggie offers Alex a small smile before moving past her into the warmth of the Danvers’ apartment. She heads straight for the bed, suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to bury herself under some blankets and be done thinking for the night. 

//

Maggie wakes with a headache Sunday morning. 

She’s the first of her friends to wake up, Lena and Kara still curled in the middle of the pile of blankets, Alex’s back facing Maggie from the end. She sits up, rubbing her eyes before she reaches over to check the time. 

_Ten — still plenty of time to make it to yoga._

She sighs before flopping back against her pillow. It’s not that she doesn’t want to go, because it really does help. As reluctant as she was at first after her accident, her physical therapist was right. If she misses a class, her back will be killing her by the middle of the week. Turns out crashing your car into a tree hurts, and an hour out of her Sunday is worth it not to have to feel that way anytime again soon.  

Still, the headache isn’t helping things along. Maggie pinches the bridge of her nose between her fingers, hoping to relieve a little of the pressure. It works after a minute, and she takes another look over at Alex — a habit she really needs to break one of these mornings— before getting out of the makeshift bed. 

“Morning,” a voice surprises her, and it takes all she has not to shout out and wake her friends. 

Winn is sitting at the window to the kitchen, a cup of coffee in front of him.

“You scared me,” Maggie says with a glare.

Winn looks sheepish. “Sorry — I have a steady internal clock, I always wake up early.” 

She drags her feet into the kitchen, happy to see the coffee machine is still hot from Winn using it. The mugs are conveniently located in the cabinet above, and within a minute she has a steaming hot cup of black coffee in front of her. She adds a little half-and-half from the fridge to help cool it down before she goes back out to Winn.  

“Sleep okay?” he asks, voice still low enough to not wake their friends. 

“Fine,” she says. Winn raises his eyebrows, and she has a feeling he knows that that’s not true — he was asleep on the couch, and Maggie hadn’t exactly been aware of that last night when she was trying to find a place to take her call. But if she had woken him, he doesn’t say anything. Maggie is happy to let the conversation drop until she gets to drink her coffee. 

She walks over to the couch, curls up with her phone and waits to feel alive. 

//

Yoga helps revitalize her, though it also leaves her lost to her thoughts for an hour. She’s supposed to concentrate on her breathing, but her mind keeps returning to one thing. She knows —  _it can’t happen again_ — but that doesn’t stop her from thinking about it happening many, many times whenever her thoughts wander. 

So she decides not to go back into the Danvers’ apartment after class, opting instead to drop Winn off with the excuse that she needs to go shower. She’s happy she said goodbye to Lena before she left for yoga. Winn doesn’t argue — she does sweat a lot during yoga — so she hugs Winn extra tight before embarking on the half hour back to her dorm alone, lost to her thoughts again. 

She takes a brisk shower once she’s there, needing to rinse the past few days off of her.

//

She wastes the afternoon watching Netflix and keeping her thoughts at bay by stuffing her face with whatever junk food is left in her house. She makes a mental note that she’ll probably have to go grocery shopping sometime in the next few days by the end of the night. 

Her phone dings while she’s heating up her second Hot Pocket. She rushes over to where she’d left it on the arm of the couch, frowning when she sees that it’s just Darla. She doesn’t respond at first, returning instead to her second dinner — but by the fourth text, the one with the many typos saying she was going to drive herself home from whatever bar she’s at soon if no one could drive her, Maggie knows she can’t ignore her. 

“ _Stay there. I’ll come get you.”_

She doesn’t bother to check if Darla responds before she leaves her apartment, grabbing a coat on her way out. She fumes a little as she drives, wondering if she’s ever going to be free of Darla’s grip on her. 

The bar is only a few minutes away, so Maggie hasn’t had much time to simmer down before she walks inside, quickly scanning the crowd for her ex-girlfriend. 

It doesn’t take long before Darla is bouncing up to her. 

“You came!” she says, sounding delighted. She grabs Maggie’s hand, leading Maggie further into the bar, but she lags behind after the first few feet.

“Darla, hey, wait —“ Maggie says finally, stopping her. “I’m here to bring you home, not to hang out.” 

Darla rolls her eyes. “I know. Lemme just say bye to my friends,” she says, her words slurring. She goes to the bar, leaving Maggie standing in the middle of the room. 

She watches Darla for a moment as she walks over to a girl that Maggie vaguely recognizes as one of Darla’s friends she’d met somewhere down the line, though she can’t remember her name. When it looks like Darla is going to be more than just a few seconds, Maggie stops watching, not wanting to give Darla the wrong impression. She’s not here because they’re getting back together.  Nothing is going to happen between them tonight, not this time. She just can’t let Darla drive home drunk.

She scans the bar, wishing she’d gotten a little better dressed when she finds herself recognizing a lot of faces from school. It is the closest bar to the university, after all.  

Her heart stops when her eyes land on two people across the room. 

Alex is standing across a small table from Vasquez, whose head is thrown back in laughter. Alex’s head is in her hands, and when she looks up an obvious blush is on her face before she breaks into laughter herself.

Maggie tears her gaze away; it feels somehow wrong to watch this. She pulls out her phone, frowning as she looks for anything to take her attention away from what looks like Alex on a date on the other side of the room. 

It hurts more than she thought it would, seeing Alex with another girl.

It sends her thoughts reeling. Has Alex been in an actual relationship before? There is still a lot Maggie doesn’t know about what she’d done in the years they were apart. Maybe Alex has been too scared to pursue something serious with Vasquez and just opted for the easy road — a friends with benefits relationship with an old whatever-it-is Maggie is to Alex. 

Maybe all she’d needed was that push from Maggie to go for it.

The thought has her feeling somewhat sick. 

She looks up, frowning when she realizes Darla is no longer standing near the bar. She looks back over the bar to no avail. Even Darla’s friend is gone. 

That’s it. She can’t stay here anymore. Maggie makes for the door, but before she gets very far she hears someone calling her name. 

She freezes before turning around — that’s not Darla’s voice. 

“Alex, hey.” 

She doesn’t bother ask why Alex is here — she doesn’t really want to know the answer for sure, doesn’t want the confirmation of what this is. Still, Maggie feels bad that Alex looks upset, watching as her frown deepens, and she feels bad for ruining her night. She didn’t want to interrupt Alex’s date. She’d encouraged Alex to ask Vasquez out, after all. 

She’s almost grateful when she catches sight of Darla in the doorway just a few seconds later. 

She turns back to find Alex looking at Darla over Maggie’s shoulder, and feels the need to explain herself. 

“She called me, drunk off her ass. She says she doesn’t have money for a taxi or anyone else who would come get her,” she says. “I was her last resort before she drove herself home, so…”

Alex smiles, cheeks a little rosy. Maggie wonders how much she’s been drinking. “You’re a good person.” 

Maggie’s chest squeezes, knowing that that’s far from true, and she drops her gaze. Can Alex can really think that of her? And if she does, how long will it be before she destroys that idea? Especially if they keep going down this path. 

Maggie knows she has to leave. Darla isn’t exactly renowned for being patient, especially not when it comes to Alex — in fact, Maggie is surprised she hasn’t marched over here and demanded they leave already. Still, she doesn’t know what to say to Alex — she doesn’t think she can manage to tell her to enjoy her date. She’s happy when Alex gives her an out, and Maggie forces herself to smile before she turns to leave. 

Darla is waiting for her outside, a half-smoked cigarette between her fingers. “Hey,” she says, voice unexpectedly gentle. “You okay?” 

“Yeah,” Maggie nods, breathing in the cool air. “Let’s get you home.” 

//

The bar is only a few minutes away from campus, so the drive back to Darla’s dorm isn’t long. It’s just across the quad from Maggie’s, and there’s no one around this time of night, so Maggie offers to walk Darla up to her room given the state that she’s in, though she regrets when Darla leans against her as they make their way up the stairs. 

Darla turns to her once they reach her door. “Thank you for doing this,” she says, swaying slightly on her feet as she looks up at Maggie. She doesn’t give Maggie time to respond before she leans in and hugs her.

Maggie freezes, then raises a hand to pat Darla on the back.  When she pulls away Darla looks hurt, but Maggie shakes her head — she can’t deal with this, not now. 

“Darla,” she sighs out. “I told you — I can’t do this.”

She expects an argument, but Darla just gives her a sad smile. “I know,” she says, putting her hand on the doorknob. “Thanks for the ride.” 

She unlocks her door and Maggie is left alone and confused in the hall. 

//

She skips class Monday, opting instead to spend the day in bed. It’s the first time she’ s done it this semester, even though most of her classes no longer take attendance by this point. Moping feels healthy, somehow. She tells herself she deserves it. She’d just broken up with her girlfriend, her father’s dying and Alex… 

Alex went on a date last night. 

She wonders if Alex had gone home with her — they looked like they were having a good enough time. It doesn’t seem like the Alex she knows, but then again, she doesn’t know much about Alex now. She could be a totally different person from who she was in high school. Maggie has changed plenty, and she’s sure Alex has too. 

Somewhere towards the middle of the day Monday Maggie thinks of her offer — _text me if you need anything —_ but can’t bring herself to take her up on it. She doesn’t want to dig herself any further into that hole. 

_It can’t happen again._

Instead, she lets herself wallow for a day. 

Except one day turns into two, then three, and it feels significantly less healthy by Thursday morning, when she wakes up on her couch after falling asleep to whatever she’d found on Netflix late last night. 

Maggie drags herself off the couch with only a few minutes left until noon, forcing herself into the shower for the first time in a few days. 

She doesn’t reach for the shampoo or soap for the first few minutes, opting instead to just let the hot water run over her scalp and down her shoulders. She closes her eyes, lets the water drip over them as she thinks.

She doesn’t know how she’s going to handle the jealousy; historically, it hasn’t been her strongest suit. She doesn’t want to make a fool of herself like she did in high school when Tommy came around. But this is different — things were so much simpler then. She’s doesn’t feel mad at Alex like she did then, she’s just… sad. Yes, she knew going into this that Alex didn’t really want her, not in the same hopeless way Maggie has always wanted Alex, but having it proved to her so soon after they’d spent the night together was hard, to say the least. 

It takes the water getting tepid for her to stop thinking and start actually getting ready for class. No matter how bad she’s feeling, she can’t just avoid Alex forever. That’s not an option, not after everything that’s happened between them. 

She’s surprised to see nearly an hour has passed when she gets out of the shower. She gets dressed in something comfortable — a pullover sweater and some old jeans — and sets about catching up on the homework she’s missed over the past few days. 

She’s just finishing up the work for Hughes’ class Alex had emailed her when her phone buzzes on her desk. She jumps up — it could be Alex, checking that she’ll be back in class today.

But it’s Darla, and the message has a feeling of dread creeping up her spine. 

“ _Can you come over? I need to talk to you.”_

Maggie is glad to have an excuse. _“I have class,”_ she writes back.

 _“Not until four,”_ Darla replies immediately, followed by a second text. _“I just need a few minutes.”_  

She regrets sharing her schedule with Darla at the beginning of the semester, considering they were only together for the first week or so of it. 

Still, she’s always had trouble saying no, especially to Darla. 

_“I’ll be there in ten.”_

Maggie sighs, putting down her phone before grabbing her bag for class, suddenly in a rush with only a half hour before class. 

_//_

Darla is waiting for her at the door, answering only a second after Maggie knocks. 

“Hey,” she says, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. Darla moves aside to let Maggie into her dorm. “Thanks for coming.”

“Yeah,” Maggie says, looking around her at Darla’s uncharacteristically neat room. “What’s uh… what’s up?” 

She felt like they’d left off okay the other night, so she’s not sure why she needs to be here. But then again, nothing is ever that simple with Darla. 

“I just wanted to say thank you, for Sunday,” she says, voice oddly soft. “It’s nice to know that no matter what’s going on between us, I can still count on you to be there.” 

“Sure,” Maggie says, glancing uncomfortably at her feet. It’s not exactly a true statement — she probably wouldn’t have shown up unless Darla had given her that ultimatum. 

She’s barely aware of Darla getting closer to her until her hand is rising up to cup Maggie’s cheek, pulling her in for a kiss. She freezes, then finds herself kissing back for a second, until her senses catch up with her and she realizes that Darla is not the person she wants to be kissing — she’s not Alex. 

“Darla,” Maggie says, voice muffled as she pushes her away. “Darla, stop.” 

But it doesn’t seem to deter her. “C’mon, Maggie,” Darla says, stepping into her space again. “You can’t tell me you don’t miss me.” 

Maggie holds firm. “I told you — we’re not doing this again. Not this time.” 

This is the way they used to do things — they break up every other month, it seems, until one of them invites the other back in and they pretend their relationship makes sense for another couple of weeks. But Maggie is tired of it. 

“Oh, that?” Darla huffs, but has the decency to take a step back. “I thought you were just in a bad mood because you saw your ‘friend’ on a date.”

Maggie pauses.“Wait, you saw Alex there?” She frowns, a thought dawning on her. “Is that why you called me that night? You wanted me to see her with Vasquez?” 

“No! I didn’t lie to you. I needed a ride,” Darla says, then crosses her arms. “Besides, why do you even care? I thought there was ‘nothing going on’ between the two of you.” 

Maggie breathes out a laugh. _Of course,_ she thinks. This is just such typical Darla behavior, she’s not sure how she hadn’t seen it sooner. _That’s why she disappeared outside — she wanted to make sure I was looking around the bar._

Another thought occurs to her — that this means Darla had noticed Alex and Vasquez and thought they were on a date — but she needs to push that one aside for now. 

She shakes her head. “I can’t believe you. I mean, I can, I just — Jesus, Darla, does everything have to be some stupid game with you?” 

Darla walks towards her, tears springing to her eyes. “That isn’t fair. You’re the one who’s been lying to me this whole time.” 

Maggie doesn’t need to hear this. 

She moves towards the door, happy she didn’t bother to take off her coat. “I didn’t lie to you, Darla. There was nothing going on between me and Alex. I broke up with you because I was unhappy.”

“And now?” Darla asks, still following her. “Are you happier now?”   

Maggie pauses, her hand on the knob. “I don’t know,” she says, shrugging before opening the door. She looks at Darla, and is struck by the fact that she no longer feels the need to go comfort her, the draw that’s been pulling her back to Darla time after time over the past few years suddenly gone. “But I’m working on it.” 

//

She arrives at class at 4:03, and stands outside the door for a minute. There’s a small pane of glass set into it, just big enough for her to see Alex sitting in their usual spot. She’s looking down at something — her phone, Maggie figures — and Maggie considers going inside for a second. Then Alex looks up, and she finds herself quickly dodging out of the way. 

She closes her eyes, her breath suddenly coming fast, and before she even thinks about it she’s walking briskly away from the classroom. 

Maggie can’t go to her room — not after the past few days spent just sitting there — so she finds herself just wandering the campus. She’s doesn’t realize until she reaches for her phone and headphones that she’d left them behind in her rush to leave. 

 _Shit,_ she thinks, but doesn’t consider going back for them. 

At least she’d brought her coat. She shoves her hands into her pockets as she takes the long way around campus, walking behind the union as she thinks. 

She’s really going to need to get a grip on herself she’s going to be able to keep things going with Alex. But ever since she saw Alex and Vasquez together, all she can think of is that she’s missed a chance. 

Just once really is going to be just once — and it was barley anything at all. 

It wasn’t enough. 

//

It’s dark by the time she finally walks back to her dorm. 

The first thing she does is check her phone, immediately feeling guilty when she sees she has a message from Alex waiting for her an hour ago. 

_“Class is boring without you.”_

She stares at it for a second before dropping her phone back down onto the couch and walking into the kitchen, heading straight for the cabinet where she keeps her liquor. There’s a cheap bottle of vodka and a pretty much empty bottle of rum in there, along with a nice bottle of scotch that Darla had brought over one night months ago in place of an apology. 

She only breaks it out on nights where things are really bad, when she needs to lose her cool a little. And tonight is definitely one of those nights. 

She finds a few ice cubes left in the tray in her freezer, and pours herself a glass. It’s strong — she remembers the way Alex scrunched her nose when she tasted it, the night Maggie broke up with Darla — but she doesn’t water it down. The sharpness of it reminds her of that night, the first night she’d let her resolve break, when she’d kissed Alex and when Alex had kissed her back. 

//

By midnight, she’s drunk and dying to text Alex. She texts Winn instead.

It’s long and rambling, and probably doesn’t make much sense, but Winn somehow understands it, because when he calls her a minute later he immediately launches into a response. 

“You can’t trust Darla, Maggie. They probably weren’t even on a date. They’re friends, and friends go to bars together. I mean even _we’ve_ gone to bars together,” he says. 

Maggie leans back into the couch, closing her eyes. “I know, I _know,_ but you didn’t see her. She was smiling, and laughing and she was just…” she sighs. “She was practically glowing. I don’t know, Winn.” 

She can hear Winn laughing on the other side of the line, and she wishes he were here so she could smack him. “Maggie, no offense, but don’t you always kind of think she’s like that?”

“No,” Maggie answers, and Winn doesn’t say anything while she takes a sip of her drink. “Okay, fine. Maybe. I guess. That’s not the point, Winn.”

“Isn’t it though? I mean you don’t even know if it was a date. And if it was, it could’ve been terrible!”

“It was a date, and it wasn’t terrible,” Maggie insists. 

“But how can you really know?” Winn asks, and Maggie groans. “No, seriously. When we first met you told that I had to like, confront my feelings with Kara and deal with it or we could never move forward. Isn’t that kind of where you’re at now?” 

“This is different. This is Alex,” she says, and now it’s Winn’s turn to scoff. “It’s hard to explain, but it’s not like you and Kara. There’s something between us that’s just…” she trails off. “I don’t know if it’ll ever go away.” 

Winn is quiet for a moment. “Then maybe that’s all the more reason you need to push past this. If you really feel that way, shouldn’t you want to see what could be next?” 

Her mind is hazy, but this makes her bristle and everything pulls into focus for a moment. “Winn — no offense, but I really don’t need you getting my hopes up. I’ve spent more than enough of my time in my life convincing my self that Alex feels the same way about me only to end up having my heart broken.” 

“Okay, okay, jeez. Sorry. I just mean — well, you were kind of right, right? She _did_ like you back.” 

Maggie rolls her eyes, surprised to find that they’re actually brimming with unshed tears. She quickly wipes at them, determined not to let them fall, despite the fact that Winn can’t actually see her. 

“A lot of good that did me,” she mumbles. 

She hears Winn sigh on the other end of the line. “I think you’re a lot angrier with Alex then you want to admit.” Maggie doesn’t say anything, so he keeps going. “But if you really did want to forgive her and move on, then I think the best thing to do would be to talk to her. Ask her about that girl — Suzy whatever — and find out where you stand.” 

Maggie closes her eyes, leaning her head back down against the cushion. “What if I don’t like what she says?” 

“Then at least you can deal with it. I think you deserve to know what’s going on this time around, don’t you?” 

“Yeah,” she breathes out. “You’re right, as always. Thanks. I’ll uh — let you know how it goes.” 

He says goodbye, and she ends the call. She stares ahead of her for a long moment, considering what he’d just said. But even if he’s right — she needs to talk to Alex — it shouldn’t be tonight. Not like this. 

She presses the power button on her phone, waiting until the screen goes black before she sets it back down on the table, then goes to pour herself another drink. 

// 

When she wakes up Friday morning she doesn’t remember much about her conversation with Winn, but she does remember one thing: she needs to talk to Alex. 

She picks up her phone and turns it on, fixing herself a cup of coffee while it starts up. After she’s done stirring in her creamer she walks over to her phone and immediately opens up to her thread with Alex. 

_“Class is boring without you.”_

Maggie bites her lip as she rereads the message. It’s friendly, sure, but there’s always just something slightly _more_ behind the words with Alex. She can see her saying it in her head, sincere and soft, and she feels the need to apologize. 

“ _Sorry. I lost my phone for a bit. I’ll be in class Tuesday, promise.”_

It doesn’t seem like enough, but she’s not sure if she should rush into this ‘talking to Alex’ thing right away. She should at least know what she wants to say first, right? 

So she showers, hoping to wash the smell of alcohol off of her. She has work today, after all. She considers her Friday shift at the library both a blessing and a curse, sometimes.

When she gets out, she has a message from Alex. She frowns when she opens it — it’s not exactly the response she’d wanted, just a couple of emojis — but she’s happy Alex at least acknowledged her. 

//

Work is, as predicted, incredibly slow. She volunteers to reshelve books when her coworker gives her the option. It’s somewhat soothing, putting things back in their place. 

She can’t stop her thoughts from wandering to Alex, not that she really tries to fight it. 

_If she and Vasquez are dating, what does that mean for us?_

_If they’re not dating, what does that mean for us?_

It keeps coming back to one thing: those _ifs._ Winn’s words suddenly come back to her from last night — _you deserve to know what’s going on —_ and she knows she’s going to need to confront this before Tuesday. She can’t just go sit next to Alex and pretend like this isn’t consuming her every thought lately. 

When she gets out of work, she decides to wait until she gets back to her apartment before texting Alex. That is until her phone dings halfway through her walk — an email from Hughes, and an excuse to see Alex — and she finds herself immediately switching to their texts. 

“ _Hughes posted a group assignment for Tuesday,”_ she types out, hesitating before she seals her fate. She doesn’t have to do this. She can wait a little longer, until this is a little less fresh, until she has a little more control before she sees Alex (and especially before she invites her over to her house). 

She doesn’t have to… but she kind of wants to. 

_Fuck it._

She’s pressing send before she has time to second-guess herself. _“Want to come work on it at my place?”_

Maggie doesn’t even get to put her phone away before Alex starts typing a response. 

“ _Sure thing. I’ll be there in forty.”_

//

Alex shows up an hour later, just late enough for Maggie to consider that maybe she wasn’t actually coming. She’s leaning against the counter in her small kitchen when she hears the knock, and she finds herself crossing the room in a few quicks strides without thinking. 

Alex smiles at her, cheeks and nose tinged red from the cold. “Hey,” she says, voice breathless from the stairs, and Maggie blinks before smiling. 

“Hey.” 

//

She loses her nerve as soon as Alex walks into the room, but she’s more than happy to just exist around Alex for a little bit, sure she’ll get to it by the end of the night. For now, she just wants to enjoy Alex’s presence for a little. 

Alex makes it easy — she forgot her backpack, which Maggie finds adorable, somehow — so they can settle in and watch some Criminal Minds. It’s familiar, and it sets her at ease.

Except — when her mind isn’t racing with thoughts about what all of this means — it keeps returning to the same thing. She wants Alex in a way that she definitely can’t have if Alex is taken. 

_You need to know._

It’s almost the end of the first episode when she reaches forward and presses pause on the controller. 

Maggie turns towards Alex, knowing she needs to say this now or she won’t be able to. “Can I ask you something, Danvers?” she’s barely able to force out. 

However quiet, it gets Alex’s attention; she nods. Maggie feels her heart thud against her ribcage, growing louder by the second, and she wonders if it’s not too late to back out of having this conversation. But she needs to know. 

“You and uh, Susan… were you guys on a date the other night?”

Alex doesn’t leave her hanging, shaking her head immediately.. “No,” she says definitively. “We’re just friends.” She pauses, eyes connecting with Maggie’s. “She’s not my type.”

Maggie relaxes. “Good,” escapes her mouth in a relived sigh, before she realizes what she’d just said, unsure if she really wanted to imply _that_. “Well, not good, you’re, you know, free to date whoever you want.” 

She forces herself to stop rambling, focusing instead on the way Alex nods along, her mouth parting as if there’s something she wants to say but can’t. Maggie forces herself to look away. 

 _It can’t happen again,_ she reminds herself, but the voice is weaker now, distant.  She shouldn’t have invited Alex over; she knew this would happen. But Maggie had invited Alex over anyway, which means that — despite her denial for the past week — she wants this to happen again. 

Maybe one more time wouldn’t be so bad — maybe _this time…_

Maggie lets out a shaky breath. She sits up a little straighter, eyes finding Alex’s in the dim light of the television. “It’s just that, since you’re not. I’ve been thinking…”

 _This is a bad idea_ , she reminds herself, but then Alex encourages her. 

“Yeah?”

It’s all Maggie needs to make up her mind. 

 _One more time can’t hurt._  

“We’re both adults, right?” Maggie says. Alex bites her lip at this, and Maggie can’t fight it anymore, her gaze finally dropping down to Alex’s mouth. She forces herself to keep talking. “And there’s no reason — if there’s something we want, we should be able to have it, right?”

“Right,” Alex agrees, voice barely above a whisper. “What do you want, Maggie?”

Maggie laughs. She wouldn’t begin to know the as to answer that if she even tried. 

Well — except for maybe just one thing. 

//

Alex hits Maggie’s bed hard, a little of the air knocked out of her lung as Maggie lands on top of her. Their clothes were lost somewhere on their way into the bedroom, a trail of evidence that Maggie will have to clean up in the morning that she can’t be bothered to care about now. 

Alex is left only in her underwear by the time Maggie is above her, the warmth of their naked skin beginning to burn as Maggie presses into her. Alex groans, breaking their kiss as she grinds up into Maggie, but Maggie laughs, bringing her hands to Alex’s hips to slow her down.

“Not this time, Danvers,” she says, voice low in Alex’s ear. She enjoys watching the hair on the back of Alex’s neck stand up as the warmth of her breath passes over it. She leans forward, nipping at her pulse point before she kisses her way down Alex’s body.

This time, there’s no Winn to interrupt them.  

//

The sun is just beginning to rise when Maggie first wakes up Saturday morning. She comes to slowly, forgetting for a moment what had happened the night before, reminded when she realizes her face is buried in Alex’s neck, her arm slung over her hip and her hand resting against her stomach. 

She freezes, the familiar need to extract herself quickly taking over. She could get up now — leave some note about having an early shift at the library this morning — and be gone before Alex wakes, as she always is. But then Alex shifts, her warmth pressing into Maggie as she turns on her back, leaving Maggie laying on her shoulder, and the choice has gone out the window.

Maggie presses a kiss into Alex’s shoulder before she drifts back to sleep. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all for now! Next chapter is back to Alex. 
> 
> I hit 100k this chapter, which is crazy. Thank you all for reading! And to everyone who has sent me song recommendations, please keep it up, they're great. I have them in a playlist that I listen to when I write. :)


	16. i'll bring you another rush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took an extra week! Thank you as always to everyone who has left a review, or sent me a nice message on tumblr or twitter. They really helped me along this chapter, particularly the past couple of weeks.

Alex is expecting to wake up alone. Maggie surely would have left sometime in the night, realizing that she'd made a mistake. Or maybe she would wait until morning, slip out early and write Alex some scribbled note with an excuse (and then probably never talk to her again). Maybe she’d be waiting in the living room for her, wanting to deliver the news in person.

What she doesn’t expect when she wakes up is Maggie to still be in bed with her, head tucked under Alex’s chin, arm around her waist and legs tangled with hers. Alex keeps her eyes closed for a second, knowing that everything will probably have to change when she opens them, but this — this moment — is perfect. 

When she opens them she’s surprised to see Maggie already looking up at her. 

She gives Alex a sleepy smile. “Hey,” she says, voice soft and raspy. 

“Good morning,” Alex breathes back. 

She’s not sure what any of this means — she still can barely believe Maggie hadn’t left. But here she is, head resting on Alex’s shoulder, wearing nothing but a faint smile as her eyes slowly work over Alex’s face. 

After a few long, quiet seconds that are far too intimate for Alex to process, Maggie crinkles her nose. “Have I mentioned how much you kick when you sleep? Because _ouch.”_

Alex blinks, unsure of what she was waiting for Maggie to say, but it definitely wasn’t _that._ A surprised laugh bubbles out of her before she starts to feel bad. “I’m sorry. You should have kicked me out! I would’ve slept on the couch.” 

Maggie scrunches her nose and shakes her head before sitting up so that she’s no longer leaning against Alex. “Yeah, right. You sleep okay?” 

Alex is happy for the space, feeling like she can breathe again without Maggie so near. “Great,” she answers honestly. 

Maggie smiles. “Good.” She runs a hand through her hair, and Alex watches her fingers the whole way through, her eyes eventually settling on Maggie’s bare shoulders. The sun filtering through the blinds leaves a glowing, striped pattern on her naked skin, and it strikes Alex that she’ll probably remember this moment, the way Maggie looks right now, for the rest of her life.

The trance is broken when Maggie peels off the covers, and Alex feels like she should look away as she hops out of bed and walks over to her dresser, but she can’t make herself. She sits in silence, watching Maggie as she pulls some clothes out of a drawer, a question burning at the back of her mind.

_What are we doing?_

She knows that she can’t leave this bed without knowing the answer. 

“So…” she says, blowing out a puff of air before she forces herself to speak. “I have to ask… was this just another, uh, one time thing?”

Maggie pauses, shrugs, then pulls a shirt over her head. “Is that what you want?” she asks, voice slightly muffled through the fabric. 

Alex’s panic spikes, sharp in her chest. “No,” she answers without thinking, though she knows that’s the conclusion she would have reached no matter how long she considered it. She wouldn’t be able to resist falling into this with Maggie if she tried, now that they’ve broken the dam. 

Maggie’s eyes find hers as soon as the shirt is sitting snuggly on her shoulders. “Good,” she says, lips quirking into a small smile. “Me either.” She finds Alex’s shirt, discarded somewhere on the floor last night, and tosses it at her. “Now I don’t know about you, but I’m starving. Breakfast?”

//

They find a rhythm surprisingly quickly. 

There are the nights after class, when she can steal an hour or so before heading back to her apartment with dinner for Kara and she follows Maggie back to her room. Then there are the nights Alex doesn’t have class or work that she spends over at Maggie’s — she doesn’t always mean to, but Maggie has a habit of exhausting her. 

Alex’s favorite nights, though, are the ones when Maggie comes to her place to do “homework” (which they really do need to catch up on one of these days). Those times are the best, because even though Maggie could leave before Alex would even know in the morning, she never does. 

They’ve avoided awkward morning run-ins with Kara so far — not that Alex is hiding anything. The number of nights she’s spent at Maggie’s apartment recently are not exactly something she can _hide_ from the sister she lives with. 

Kara asks, of course, after the first week or so, and Alex doesn’t have the gall to lie. 

“It’s not that serious,” Alex insists. “We’re just… having some fun. That’s allowed, right?” 

“Of course. But are you sure you’re ready for that?” Kara asks. “I mean, just a few weeks ago you were crying in my car over her. Not that I’m not happy to see that you’re happier now, I’m just… worried.” 

“And I appreciate that,” Alex says sincerely, “but I’m telling you, I have it under control this time.” 

Alex ignores Kara’s frown, but does promise her she’ll be careful, which seems to work at cheering her up at least.

It’s a promise she knows she won’t be able to keep as soon as she makes it. What she and Maggie are doing is anything but careful — it’s downright reckless — and Alex is far from in control. 

But what she said to Kara wasn’t all a lie. 

This thing with Maggie, whatever it is, is fun, and Alex doesn’t want it to stop. 

//

“I — mm — I told Kara I’d be home for dinner,” Alex manages to get out as Maggie’s mouth works against her neck. She’d come to Maggie’s as soon as she’d gotten out of class, barely able to think of anything else during the hour and forty minutes she had to wait before the professor let them go. 

Maggie apparently was also feeling impatient. That’s how Alex figures she ended up here, pinned between Maggie and her bedroom door, still wearing her coat. 

“That’s a shame,” Maggie says, pressing a few kisses up her neckline. She stops near her ear. “I had a whole night planned for you, Danvers.” 

Alex shudders, and she can feel Maggie laugh against her skin. “You have an hour,” she says.

Maggie pulls back, teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she looks at Alex before she nods. 

“I can work with that.” 

//

It’s two weeks into whatever it is this is that they’re doing when Alex finds herself on the living room couch, sandwiched between Kara and Maggie and trying not die.

“Can you pass the popcorn?” Alex jolts when Kara asks. 

Maggie leans forward to get it for her, allowing Alex to breathe for what feels like the first time since the movie started and Maggie’s hand came to rest on her thigh. It hasn’t moved — Maggie is better behaved than that — but it’s still enough of a distraction to leave Alex’s skin burning under her touch the entire time. 

She makes it about halfway through the movie when she decides she needs a break from this before she combusts.

 “Another round of beers?” she offers. She doesn't wait for a response before she's standing and collecting their empty bottles. 

“You're the best. Want me to pause it?” Kara asks, but Alex is already on her way to the kitchen, shaking her head. It would be pointless— it's not like she has any idea what's been happening in the story, and she was hoping to buy herself a few minutes to collect herself without Kara and Maggie waiting on her.

Maggie has been over the past three nights in a row, but Kara doesn’t seem bothered by the intrusion. In fact, it’d been her idea to invite Maggie over tonight to watch a movie. Not that Alex wouldn’t have invited her over herself, anyway, or maybe she’d have ended up at Maggie’s place. They’ve spent almost every night for more than a week together now, save for one night when Maggie had to work late and Alex wasn't trying to seem too clingy by offering to come back to campus that late at night. 

It's hard to strike a balance between spending nearly every moment with Maggie and holding herself at a distance, and Alex knows she's doing a terrible job — she just can't find it in herself to care. 

Not when Maggie smiles at her like that when she returns to the room, like she's been counting every second she's been gone, or when Maggie's arm slides around her shoulder as soon as she sits back down, like she'd missed Alex's touch as much as Alex had missed hers. 

She's a goner. And she knows its silly to hope, but maybe, just maybe, Maggie is too. 

//

As soon as the movie ends Kara announces she has a Skype date with Winn and bids them both goodnight. It only takes a few seconds after her door clicks shut before Maggie looks over at Alex with a smile. “Want to watch another movie?”

It’s not what Alex is expecting, but she can’t turn Maggie down. “Sure. You pick,” she says, handing her the controller. 

Maggie doesn’t seem to care what movie she chooses, only scrolling through a few on Netflix before she clicks play on one without even watching the trailer. 

It becomes clear why a second later when Maggie’s hand lands back on her leg under the blanket, a few inches higher than it’d been minutes ago when Kara was in the room. Her fingers stretch out across Alex’s thigh, and Alex can feel the pressure of her squeezing fingertips, just a little too far inward to be innocent. But Maggie’s eyes remain on the television, a small smile teasing at her lips, and Alex knows she’s going to be in for a long night. 

But two can play at that game, right?

Alex takes advantage of Maggie’s smaller stature by sliding her arm around her shoulder, her hand coming to rest at the base of her neck. She waits a few minutes, forcing herself to have the same patience as Maggie, whose fingers haven’t moved aside from a gentle squeeze here and there. 

Things like this are better when you draw them out — Maggie’s taught her that in their nights together, for sure. But Alex has also learned a lot about Maggie.

Like how she looks when she’s distracted, hopefully by thoughts of Alex, her teeth just barely catching her bottom lip as she forces herself to look forward, pretending to concentrate on whatever is in front of her. But Alex can tell by her blank stare that Maggie is not watching anything happening in the movie — an admittedly funny one judging by the few seconds that she’s forced herself to watch while she’s being patient. 

Then there are other, less obvious tells; like how Maggie’s spine straightens ever so slightly whenever Alex touches her neck, just enough to press into her fingers or tongue, or the way she usually manages to keep her breathing steady and measured until the last second, always releasing just one uneven breath before she finally breaks. 

Maggie’s jaw clenches as Alex drops a finger onto the nape of her neck, playing with the swirl of hair she finds there. Alex isn’t usually this forward — she always waits for Maggie to make the first move — but there’s something different about tonight. 

Maggie’s grip tightens against Alex’s thigh as she lets out a rattled breath, but she doesn’t otherwise move as she lets Alex continue to scratch lightly at the back of her head.

Alex stops pretending to watch the movie as soon as she sees Maggie’s teeth sink into her lip, knowing for certain now that this is what Maggie wants. She allows her touch to become more sure, her thumb rising to swipe against the side of Maggie’s neck, and Alex decides can’t take it anymore when Maggie literally shivers against her touch. She leans in, her lips easily finding the point where Maggie’s jaw meets her neck. 

She knows it’s not fair — it’s Maggie’s weakness — but she can’t wait any longer. It’s been a long night of having to hold back, and she needs this. 

Maggies fingers tighten against the fabric of Alex’s jeans, her jaw dropping open into a gasp as she tilts her head to the side, giving Alex better access to her neck. Her fingers slide up into Maggie’s hair as her other hand reaches blindly for Maggie’s leg. She drags her teeth lightly over her skin until she reaches her earlobe, relishing the way Maggie’s breath catches when she pulls it into her mouth. 

It’s enough to break Maggie. She turns her head to the side, capturing Alex’s lips with hers, her hands rising up to Alex’s face and splaying across her cheeks to pull her in close. 

They’ve gotten good at this — this kissing thing — though sometimes Maggie leaves her so dazed she’s convinced she must be terrible at kissing back. Maggie doesn’t seem to mind tonight, though, her tongue teasing at Alex’s lips. Alex opens to her, more than willing to let Maggie take the lead. 

It’s not that Alex doesn’t have things she wants to do to Maggie — because _god_ does she want to do so many things to her — Maggie just turns her into a puddle of mush every time she so much as looks at her.

Like right now — how is Alex supposed to be capable of forming a thought when Maggie is swinging her leg over Alex’s lap, hands dropping to Alex’s shoulders so she can push her further back into the couch as she leans into the kiss? Her nails scratch their way up to Alex’s hairline, grabbing a small fistful when she gets there. She’s always gentle enough, but Alex would be lying if she didn’t love Maggie’s stifled sense of urgency and the brief moments when how desperate she really is for Alex shine through. 

Maggie’s fingers tighten in her hair just as she grinds down against Alex, and Alex has to hold back a groan. Instead she focuses on her hands on Maggie’s hips, slipping her thumbs under Maggie’s untucked shirt so she can touch her skin. Maggie breaks away in a gasp, and Alex drops her head back onto the couch to get a second to breathe.

Maggie has other plans, ducking to the side so she can kiss the exposed skin at the base of Alex’s neck. Her hands drop from Alex’s hair onto her shoulders, tugging the fabric out of the way so she can kiss her way down. Her hands continue downward, wasting no time before slipping her fingers under Alex’s shirt. 

Alex lets out a heavy breath through her nose, balling her fists at her sides as Maggie’s tongue traces a firm line against her collar bone. Her hands continue to skirt up Alex’s rib cage, fingers dragging lightly over each ridge and it takes everything Alex can muster to just stay quiet and — 

Kara’s door bangs open, followed by a surprised gasp from across the room. 

Maggie practically flies away from her, landing with a thud on the other side of the couch as Alex struggles to tug her shirt back into place.

“Oh, god,” Kara says, covering her eyes. “Sorry! Sorry — I just wanted to make some tea. You guys carry on, I'll just be...” she ducks her head and quickly walks into the kitchen. 

Alex feels her face start to burn. She knows she shouldn’t be embarrassed — Kara knows, after all — but it’s another reminder that what they have is only for behind closed doors, and she feels like she can’t look over at Maggie.

They don’t speak as Kara fumbles her way through putting a mug of water in the microwave, humming awkwardly to herself while the it heats. After not nearly a long enough time, she opens the door and removes her mug. She winces as she passes back by, mouthing a quick ‘sorry’ to Alex before she disappears back into her room. 

Alex’s smile looks more like a grimace as she turns to Maggie, who hasn’t moved this whole time. She stares at Kara’s closed door, letting out a breath she’d obviously been holding for too long. 

After a second she looks over at Alex, brow pinching as she tilts her head. “You seem... surprisingly calm for Kara just having walked in on us.” 

Alex glances at the movie still playing on the screen, suddenly uncomfortable under Maggie’s gaze. “Yeah, well, it’s not like she didn’t already know about us,” she says. Her eyes widen when she realizes how she made that sound — like there's an “us” here — and she rushes to fix it. “I mean, that we're, you know... uh, I figured she'd figure it out eventually anyway, what with me staying at your place like most weeknights and how often you're over here and there was that one time when you left that _thing_ on my neck —”

“Alex,” Maggie interrupts her, trying to hold back a smile. “Breathe. I don’t care if you don’t. Kara can know we’re sleeping together.” 

It stings a little, the reminder that that’s all this is to Maggie, but she brushes it off. Still, Alex is wary. Maggie had certainly seemed freaked out enough by it herself just a few seconds ago, but she seems to be shaking it off. She tries her best to do the same. “Okay. Cool.” 

“But… maybe we should take this into your room?” Maggie suggests, and Alex nods, suddenly eager to return to the ease of their arrangement. 

“I’ll meet you in there, I just want to tidy up.” 

She waits until Maggie closes the door behind her to put her head in her hands, letting out a long sigh she didn’t realize she’d been holding. She needs to control the way she behaves around Maggie or else she’ll start to think this is a bad idea. Who wants a spastic, clingy friend-with-benefits? 

She rounds up the empty bottles on the table and the bags of popcorn Kara had polished off. 

When she enters her room, Maggie is waiting for her on the bed. 

“Where were we?” Maggie asks, and suddenly Alex is right back where she was just a few minutes ago (before Kara threw a bucket of ice on her). 

She closes the door and crosses the room quickly, and Maggie eagerly leans up to meet her kiss. Alex is just getting lost in it when Maggie pulls back. 

“Wait — uh — did you lock the door?” Maggie asks, and Alex racks her brain for a second before nodding. “Good, good,” Maggie breathes out, relaxing back into Alex’s touch. 

She tangles her hands into Alex’s hair, her kisses less precise as she climbs into Alex’s lap. Alex’s hands find their familiar place on Maggie’s hips, securing her. 

But just a second later Maggie pushes Alex away. 

“Wait, sorry — I’m just —“ she stutters out, eyes still squeezed shut as she holds Alex at a distance. Alex’s heart clenches at Maggie’s tone. “I’m just in my head, sorry.” 

“What’s wrong?” she asks, certain she’s done something to cause Maggie’s sudden mood change.

Maggie shrugs, shaking her head. “Do you mind if we…” she stops, then sighs. “Is it okay if we don’t — I mean, not that I don’t want to, I just —“ 

“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to,” Alex says, suddenly racking her mind to check if she’d somehow forced herself on Maggie at any point this evening. She’d been the one to initiate things on the couch, yes, but she’s pretty sure that was Maggie’s intention. Had she read the signs wrong? 

“It’s not like that,” Maggie is quick to tell her. “I want to. Just… being walked in on makes me kind of jumpy and I don’t think I’ll be able to stay out of my head.” 

Alex remembers the one time Maggie’s father caught them in her bedroom — how quickly Maggie had pushed her away, the sad look on her face when she’d returned — and understands. “Don’t worry about it,” she says, but Maggie doesn’t seem assured. 

She glances worriedly at Alex’s door. “I would offer to drive home but I had a few beers and… maybe I could just sleep on the couch?” 

Alex shakes her head, gathering her courage. “You don’t have to do that, you can stay in here.”

“Are you sure?”

Maggie’s smile is encouraging. “Of course,” Alex says. “I can grab my laptop if you want. We can keep watching that movie.”

Maggie chuckles, and Alex’s heart lifts a little. “I have no idea what was happening in that,” she admits. “What was it even called?” 

“No clue,” Alex responds, grinning. “Criminal Minds?”

//

They fall asleep in the middle of the night, Alex just barely having the awareness to close her laptop and place it on the floor before she nods off in Maggie’s arms. She’s still there when she wakes up the next morning, head on Maggie’s chest, legs entangled. 

She wakes up slow, taking a few seconds to even realize she’s in her own bed. The night before comes back to her slowly — how scared and uncertain Maggie had looked for those few seconds — and nuzzles her nose further into Maggie’s hair, inhaling deeply. 

She’s happy her face is hidden when she hears Maggie laugh in her ear. “Good morning, Danvers.” 

She decides not to move. “Good morning,” she mumbles against Maggie’s neck, certain she’s made the right choice when Maggie pulls her tighter against her. 

They lay in silence for a few minutes, Alex wondering if Maggie thinks that she’s fallen back asleep when Maggie suddenly pulls her arm out from behind Alex. 

Alex is worried for a second, before she sees the smirk on Maggie’s face.

“I was thinking,” she says, sliding her leg over Alex’s hip and sitting up so she’s straddling her. Her hands land on the bed on either side of her face, and Alex tries to force her gaze up from Maggie’s lips, suddenly too close not to be a distraction. It’s unfair — she’s still half asleep, and her resolve is weak, but Maggie doesn’t seem to mind, smile widening. “Since neither of us have anywhere to be this morning… can we pick up where we left off last night?” 

She tilts her head as she asks, and Alex has to resist the urge to lean in and kiss the smile off of her. As much as she wants to say yes, she’s still worried about Maggie after her hesitance last night. “You uh — you sure?” 

Maggie nods. “Yeah. We both have no where to be this morning, and Kara left for work twenty minutes ago.”

“Don’t you have class?”

Maggie shakes her head. “Cancelled.” 

Alex swallows. The idea of spending hours alone with Maggie alone is intimidating, somehow. Their relationship never extends into the mornings after; it’s saved for nights spent in each other’s beds, where there’s always class the next morning, a sister in the next room, or a hall-full of freshman that are always managing to get themselves into trouble. 

But how can she say no to Maggie? 

She nods. Maggie smiles. “Good.” She straightens her back, slipping her hands behind Alex’s shoulders to tug her up with her. “Now if I remember correctly…” her hands find the hem of Alex’s shirt, not waiting for confirmation before she tugs it upwards. 

//

Alex has to constantly remind herself that this, what she has with Maggie, is not a relationship (no matter how much it feels like one when they spend every night together, or when Maggie buys her coffee in the mornings, or when she texts Alex throughout the day). 

It doesn’t help that Maggie is always on her mind. She can’t go more than a few minutes without thinking of her, and that’s being generous. 

But this whole casual thing is what she signed up for, and she knows that that comes with rules. So no matter how hard it is to resist kissing Maggie when they go their separate ways after class, or reaching for her hand under the desk during lectures… she has to. 

This isn’t a relationship. 

She can’t let herself get too attached. 

Still, Alex begins to keep track of the little things, like the number of times Maggie pulls her in close by the elbows while they’re kissing (at least seven in the first three weeks), or how many times Maggie drops a kiss to shoulder when she thinks Alex is asleep (which has been just about every night they’ve spent together). These are the things she holds on to — the smallest signs pointing towards this being something deeper than what is is, though she wouldn’t even know what to do if they got to that point.

//

She wishes hadn’t let her hopes get as high when Maggie decides its time for them to have the talk.

“You awake?” Maggie asks into the darkness one night. 

Alex has to strain to hear her whisper. It’s late — they’d gotten back to Maggie’s apartment from the library at eight, and it’s been several hours since then, both of them long committed to going to sleep. 

Wrapped up in Maggie’s blanket, Alex is tempted to keep her eyes closed and not answer. Whatever Maggie is about to ask her about in the middle of the night probably isn’t good, right? 

Still, she can’t resist rolling over to look at Maggie. “Yeah, you okay?” 

Alex can barely make out Maggie’s nod. “I just can’t sleep.” Alex can hear her sigh. “Too many thoughts.”

Alex’s heart quickens — that doesn’t sound good, especially this late at night. “What are you thinking about?” 

A silence strains between them for seconds until Maggie finally sighs, then speaks. “This, I guess.” 

Alex hopes she doesn’t look too terrified as Maggie gestures vaguely between them, happy that it’s at least darker than usual in the room, a late snowstorm blocking the moon from shining through Maggie’s window the way Alex has so often appreciated. 

God, why hadn’t she just pretended to be asleep? 

She doesn’t know what to say, and her mind races with the possibilities. Should she tell Maggie how badly she wants this to become something more? No, she can’t. It runs too high a chance of Maggie rejecting her (for all the obvious reasons) and Alex ruining their friendship for a second time. But she can’t lie to Maggie’s face and tell her she doesn’t want this, like she wouldn’t give anything to keep whatever this is going just a little longer. That is, she could try — she just doubts she would be successful. 

Maggie must sense her panic in the quiet. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.”

Alex is quick to nod. A little direction — that she can work with. “Yeah, yeah, of course.” She hesitates after a second. “What uh… what page is that, again?” 

A silence hangs between them for a moment, and Alex wishes she hadn’t asked. She knows she can’t go on forever like this with Maggie, diving blindly headfirst into something when neither of them know where it’s going. 

But still, as terrifying as that feeling was, Alex prefers it to what comes next. 

“We’re… having some fun?” Maggie says. Alex’s chest tightens but she keeps her face as neutral as possible. “I mean you’ve seen first-hand how my relationships end; I’m a disaster. And with us, things are still… complicated. I mean, you and I, we have all this _stuff_ , and I think it’s just easier if we keep this… you know, simple.” 

It’s kind of exactly what Alex had been afraid of. 

She knows she could leave — just get out of Maggie’s bed, tell her this isn’t going to work, and leave her apartment with some dignity. She should respect herself enough for that, right? 

She knows her feelings, and they go far beyond ‘fun.’ Doing this, with Maggie, with no end in sight is self-destructive no matter how she tries to spin it. She knows all the reasons why she shouldn’t say yes to keeping this going — but if this is the only way that she can have Maggie, even if it’s just for a little while, she’s going to take it. 

“Simple,” Alex repeats. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking. I mean, who wants to make things complicated, right?”

Her voice is a little high pitched and fast for her liking, but Maggie seems relieved. 

“Exactly.” She smiles, bright enough for Alex to see even in the dark. “I mean, we only have a few months left of school anyway, and I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get out of this place.” 

Alex can’t help but smile back — Maggie is like something straight out of a memory in this moment. “I wish, but I have to stick around for a year so Kara doesn’t have to get another roommate.” 

“You’re a good sister,” Maggie says, turning so her arm wraps around Alex’s waist as her cheek presses into her shoulder. “Well — maybe you can come visit?”

 The suggestion is so quiet that Alex almost doesn’t hear it, but she warms when she does. 

Any hint of a future is better than nothing, right?

“Yeah, maybe.” 

//

Maggie just barely gets to class with a minute to spare the Thursday before spring break. Alex is on the verge of texting her when she sees her come bursting into the room, two coffees in her hand. She flashes Alex a smile, happy to see Alex has saved her a seat. 

The professor starts to talk before she even gets to where Alex had sat. 

“Hey,” she whispers to Alex as she slides into the seat next to her. She places a coffee cup in front of her. “Thought you could use this.” 

Alex is grateful — it was a cold walk from the parking lot to campus. “Thank you.”

“Figured I owed you after this morning,” Maggie says. She’d had an early shift at the library and they hadn’t been able to grab the breakfast they’ve made a habit of getting each morning. 

“Presentations will start after the vacation,” Hughes’ booming voice gets Alex’s attention. “I will post the schedule after class today. Keep in mind, it’s a tight schedule so your assigned date can’t be changed, unless you find another group willing to trade with you.” 

She listens to him for a few more minutes before she leans over to Maggie. “Have any plans for break?” she asks, voice hushed. 

Maggie nods. “Yeah, I promised my aunt a visit.” 

“Oh,” Alex says, trying her best not to sound disappointed. She had kind of been hoping that Maggie would be on campus, since she’d already committed to staying here over break. It’s not that she doesn’t want to go home — she just knows she wouldn’t get through it without coming out to her mother, not with everything going on with Maggie. It’d just be too much to handle right now. “Well, I’ll be here.” 

“Really?” she asks, frowning. “Shit, if I’d have known that, I would’ve stayed.”  

Alex blushes, then tries to hide it by glancing at Hughes. He hasn’t seemed to notice their lack of focus. “When do you leave?” 

“I don’t have class tomorrow, so I told her I’d be there by the afternoon.” 

Alex frowns. “I’ll miss you,” she says without thinking. 

Maggie blinks, then breaks into a smile. “Shucks, Danvers. You’re getting soft on me.”

The flush on Alex’s cheeks returns in full force, but she stands by what she said. She opens her mouth to say something, but Hughes’ voice booms from the front of the room, commanding their attention.

“So, who is ready for a pop quiz?”

Alex grimaces — she hasn’t been keeping up on the homework —  until she remembers that he’ll drop at least one quiz grade, and so far she hasn’t bombed on anything this semester (though that might be about to change).

Sure enough, she barely knows half the answers, and spends the first few minutes trying to decide on a question she knows at least enough about to write _something._

Maggie finishes first, and Alex can’t help but feel disappointed that she won’t get to say goodbye. She waits until Maggie is out of the room, then glances at her own sheet. 

_This is going to be your lowest score no matter what,_ she thinks, before making up her mind and standing up. She tries to avoid Hughes’ gaze as she hands in her half-blank paper and speed-walks towards the door, hoping she might be able to catch Maggie.

“That was fast,” she hears as soon as she exits. 

She turns to find Maggie leaning against the wall.

Alex almost stumbles, then catches herself. _She waited for me?_

Maggie takes a step towards her. “I, uh — I wanted to say goodbye. I’m going to be leaving pretty early tomorrow morning, and I still have to pack, so…” 

She reaches out and pulls Alex into a hug, her arms wrapping around her shoulders before Alex even begins to process what Maggie’s just said. 

“Just so you know, I’ll miss you too,” Maggie mumbles into Alex’s shoulder after a few seconds, then takes a step back. “Text me if you start going stir-crazy, okay?” 

Maggie’s parked in the metered lot, so they have to part ways outside. Maggie holds the door for Alex, then stops once they get to the end of the walk. For a second Alex hopes that Maggie’s about to hug her again, but then she surprises Alex by standing on her toes and pressing a quick kiss against her cheek. 

“See you in March, Danvers.” 

Alex isn’t sure she’s still able to form words as she pulls away. 

“Yeah,” she’s proud when she manages, nodding with a smile. She doesn’t even care that she’s blushing this time. “You too.”

//

“You sure you don’t want to come with?” Kara asks as she packs her bag Friday morning. “I feel bad leaving you here all alone.” 

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry,” Alex insists. “Besides, you and mom will have fun. You can go to the mall, get mani-pedis, and all the other stuff I usually veto.”

“Trust me, I know,” Kara quips with a grin. It fades after a second. “But still, I’ll miss you. Promise you’ll call me?” 

“Duh,” Alex says. “I’ll miss you too.” 

She spends a few minutes helping Kara fold her clothes (though she doesn’t know why when she watches Kara cram the piles carelessly into her duffle). 

Her phone dings, and she smile when she sees its a message from Maggie. It only widens when she sees what’s inside — a selfie of Maggie with her aunt’s adorable dog. 

“That should be illegal,” Alex mutters. She sends back a heart-eyed emoji, and finds Kara hiding a  knowing smile when she looks back up. “What?”

“You’re cute, that’s all,” she says. Alex hides her phone, but it’s no use. “So, how is Maggie?”

“She’s good — she left for break this morning.”

Kara pouts. “Shoot — I was hoping she’d keep you company while I was gone.” 

Alex raises her eyebrows, but doesn’t comment. They fold in silence for a few minutes before Alex finally breaks. “She kissed my cheek yesterday after class.” 

“Stop, that’s adorable,” Kara says, grinning. “So, is she your girlfriend yet?”

“Uh, no —“ Alex says, debating whether or not she should tell Kara about that particular latest development. She decides against it. “Not yet.” 

Kara doesn’t seemed dismayed. “You’ll get there — she’s crazy about you.”

“Yeah, well,” Alex sighs. “Not this week. She’ll be at her aunt’s, and I’m going to be crazy busy at Noonan’s.”  

“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself,” Kara says, finally zipping her suitcase shut. 

“I will,” Alex says. “Starting now. I have to get in the shower before work. Have a safe trip, okay? And text me when you get there?” 

Kara reaches out for a hug. “Of course. I’ll call you tonight.” 

//

It’s past ten on Friday when Alex gets home to an empty apartment. She takes a quick shower, desperate to wash off the smell of Noonan’s — greasy food and beer — and changes into some comfortable pajamas. 

She curls up on the couch and absentmindedly flips through the channels for a few minutes before settling on something satisfyingly mind-numbing, happy Kara isn’t here to argue with her life choices. 

One episode fades into another, and another. She’s almost about to fall asleep when her phone buzzes on the table. 

_She’s only been gone for a half a day and Kara already misses me,_ Alex thinks amusedly as she grabs her phone. She frowns when she sees the name on the caller ID, quickly raising the phone to her ear.

“Maggie?” she asks. “Are you okay?” 

Maggie laughs. “Yeah, Danvers, I'm fine. Are _you_ okay?” 

“Sorry, I just — I wasn't expecting you to call.” 

There's a beat, then Maggie speaks. “Right. Sorry, if you're busy I can —” 

“No, no! That's not what I meant. I'm just sitting at home,” she explains “Kara left for break this afternoon.”

“Home alone?” Maggie says, voice suddenly low, and Alex wonders how she can switch so fast between sounding insecure and sounding like _that_. 

Alex clears her throat. “Yep. Yeah, I uh — how about you? How's your aunt's?” 

_Smooth recovery_ , she thinks, but Maggie at least sounds amused. “It's good,” she says, laughing. “It's... it's nice to be with her. It's a little weird, with everything going on with my parents. She'd never bring them up around me and now it's kind of like all she wants to talk about.” 

“Yikes,” Alex says. “Are you okay with that?” 

“I don’t know yet,” Maggie says, honestly. “So, uh, work — how was that?” 

“Shitty. Joe finally got fired, so they have me and Vasquez pulling extra shifts this week — that’s why I can’t go home,” she explains. “And she’s going to be leaving soon too. She has this internship thing, and then it’s just going to be me and _Danny.”_

“That kid who smells like all he eats is spicy cheese puffs?” 

“Yep.” 

“Gross.” 

Alex laughs, and she’s happy when she hears Maggie join her on the other end of the line. She walks over to her bed, flopping onto her pillows as she listens to Maggie start in on a story about her aunt. 

It’s more than an hour later when Maggie finally says that her aunt is going to want her up at seven in the morning tomorrow, which is way earlier than Alex has ever seen her rise, so she better get to bed. 

“Can I call you again tomorrow?” Maggie asks, and Alex breaks into a smile. Talking to Maggie on the phone late into the night reminds her so much of old times, and though some small part of her argues that maybe that isn’t actually a _good_ thing, she ignores it. 

“Yeah, of course,” she says. “Night, Maggie.” 

“Sweet dreams, Danvers.” 

//

Maggie calls her Saturday night as soon as Alex texts her to tell her she’s home from her shift. 

She lets Alex rant to her for a few minutes about work — she had her first one-on-one shift with Danny today, and it went less than great. 

“Enough about me though,” Alex says, “how was your day?

She can hear Maggie sigh. “She keeps trying to convince me that I should my dad, and I know I don't have a lot of time but I'm just... I'm not ready yet.” 

“That's not right,” Alex says. “She shouldn't be pressuring you. You have to deal with it in your own time.”

Maggie sniffs, and Alex feels her heart clench. “Thanks. I needed to hear that. God, I wish the dorms weren't closed. I don't know how I'm going to get through a whole week of this,” she says. 

An idea occurs to her — a crazy idea — that Maggie could come spend the rest of the week at Alex's apartment. But once she's thought of it, she can't keep it to herself.

“You — you don't have to,” she says. She sucks in a deep breath before rushing out her next sentence. “You could come stay with me.”

Maggie pauses, and Alex feels like her heart might fall out of her stomach while she waits for her to answer. “Really?” she finally asks, and Alex breathes again finally. 

“Yeah, of course you can.” 

“I can be there tomorrow afternoon,” Maggie says, voice bordering on excitement, and Alex finds herself smiling.

“Okay, great, awesome,” she says. 

“I'll see you then,” Maggie says. “Thank you, Alex.”

//

Alex spends the day cleaning before Maggie arrives, gathering the boxes left scattered from her takeout from the last few days and doing the dishes neglected in the sink. Not that Maggie hasn’t seen their apartment in all sorts of states, but Maggie actually _staying_ here for the week feels different, somehow. 

So she cleans the bathroom for good measure, and hides most of her dirty laundry in her closet. 

It’s around three in the afternoon when Maggie interrupts her with a call. 

“Hey, Danvers,” she says, voice tired, and Alex immediately knows something is up. 

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

She's hoping that Maggie will chastise her like she did the other day for being worried, but instead all she gets is a heavy sigh. “There was some big accident and we’ve been sitting bumper to bumper for…” she pauses, the sighs again, “like forty-five minutes. I just wanted you to know that I am coming, traffic is just a nightmare so it’s going to be at least another hour — might be a couple, even.” 

“Drive safe,” Alex says. “I can have food waiting for you when you get here.” 

“You’re perfect,” Maggie says, and Alex is happy she isn’t there to see her blush. “Thanks, Alex. I’ll see you soon, okay?” 

“Okay. Bye.”

// 

The sun has just set when Alex finally gets a knock at her door. 

It could be the pizza she’d ordered online she reasons as she forces herself to take the time to pause her show, trying to not get too excited. But no, that was only twenty minutes ago; that would be way too fast, even for Dominos. The person knocks again, and she’s sure now, not even bothering to look through the peephole before she throws open the door. 

“Maggie,” she says with a smile. “I was starting to get worried.” 

Maggie stands in front of her, holding a small, stuffed duffel bag, still huffing from her climb up the stairs. “Sorry,” she says. She doesn’t move from the doorway, looking at Alex with something in her eye that Alex can’t quite place. 

She takes a step back, hoping Maggie will come inside. “That’s okay. How bad was the drive?” 

She’s barely aware of the bag hitting the floor before Maggie’s hands are on her cheeks, pulling her in. The kiss is soft, gentle, lacking Maggie’s usual urgency. This is something different, something that leaves Alex breathless when Maggie pulls away a second later. 

“Sorry,” Maggie says again, but the small smile on her face makes it seem insincere. “

Maggie flops down on the couch, then smiles up at Alex. “So, what are watching?”

Alex glances at the paused screen, confused that Maggie doesn't recognize the show’s title character on the screen. “Jessica Jones?”

Maggie scrunches her nose. “Superheroes? Don't tell me you're some sort of comic book nerd, Danvers.”

“Oh my god, you haven't watched Jessica Jones? You're going to love her.”

Maggie frowns. “What's that supposed to mean?” 

“You’ll see."


	17. my heart (it will start to shine)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a long time, but I hope it was worth the wait. Final four/five chapters coming up! Thank you for staying with me :)

 

Alex recognizes she’s not the best cook in the world. 

Yes, she’s debating getting a masters degree in forensic science, and _yes_ she’s a functional adult who has lived away from her mother’s home-cooked meals for nearly four years now. But still, beyond grilled cheeses, Alex knows she has no place in a kitchen. If she’s being truthful, she might even acknowledge that Kara might be a better chef. Kara — her lovely sister whose best dish is microwaved potstickers and who hasn’t quite mastered making a plate of Bagel Bites without burning them at least a little — certainly would be able to make it through the most basic of breakfasts without ending up with the monstrosity in front of Alex right now. 

The smell from which has apparently awoken Maggie, foiling Alex’s plan to welcome her into her home for the week with a nice, homemade breakfast, like her mother would for their guests when she was younger. It’s almost worth it for the sight of Maggie, in her shorts and a t-shirt, hair mussed from sleep as she grins at the mess before her. “Jesus, Danvers — what did you do _?”_

“Um — I thought I could make us some breakfast.” She looks down at the blackened bacon in the pan she’s standing in front of. “I figured you like your bacon crispy.” 

Maggie isn’t buying it, though it does earn her a laugh. “Well I have some bad news for you, Danvers, because I actually like my food _edible_.”

Alex snorts. “I’ve seen what you do to your bagels and I beg to differ. But…” she looks back down at the mess she’s made, “I guess I’ve gone a little past crispy and into burnt territory.” 

“You don’t say?” Maggie grins as Alex turns off the heat. “Do you have another pan? I can show you how it’s done.” 

Alex’s scrambled eggs are passable, so she offers to make those instead while Maggie works on the half-package of bacon still left. Maggie watches as Alex whisks the eggs, adding a few things — mostly, lots of cheese, a little bit of garlic powder and some salt for good measure — and before Alex knows it the only thing she’s in charge of is the toast. 

Which, it turns out, is a good thing.

“Oh my god, Maggie, this is delicious.” 

The eggs are light and fluffy, the bacon crispy but definitely not burnt, and the toast… well, it’s toasted. 

_If only she could cook us breakfast all the time — Kara would be so happy._

But no, that’s not right. She shakes the thought off immediately, blaming it on the earliness of the morning and the single cup of coffee she’s had so far. Maggie is not her girlfriend, and doesn’t want to _be_ her girlfriend. Family breakfasts are probably off the table, a long with a whole lot of other stuff Alex wishes they could have together. But that’s the way it is, and the way it’s going to be, and Alex will need to try her hardest to keep that in mind for the rest of this week. 

“Thank you for cooking,” Maggie says once they’ve finished eating. It seems a little too sincere until Maggie breaks out into a wry grin. “Or trying to, at least.” 

Alex does her best to look offended. “Hey! I didn’t even set the smoke alarm off this time.” 

“Yeah, you’re right,” Maggie says, glancing up at the small box on the ceiling, “we should check the batteries in that thing.”

Alex swats at her arm, but she knows Maggie is right. It _had_ gotten pretty smokey in here.  Still…

“I’m stealing a piece of your bacon for that.” 

Maggie doesn’t argue, instead leaning her head against her hand as she looks at Alex. She smiles after a second. “Thank you again for letting me come stay here.” 

Alex pauses, mouth full of stolen bacon. “Of course,” she manages to get out. She chews as quickly as she can and swallows. “You’re always welcome here.” 

Maggie’s smile falters, though she presses on. “Oh please, I’m sure Kara would get sick of me.” 

Alex shakes her head. “Kara loves you. She’s always asking me about you.”

“Oh yeah? And what do you tell her?” Maggie asks. It sounds like a joke, but there’s something hidden beneath her tone that makes Alex feel like she should give an honest answer. 

“That you’re really — that is, that I, uh…” Alex stumbles as she tries to find one. There’s only one thing she can think to say. “That I really like you.” 

Maggie blinks. That was clearly not what she was expecting, and Alex regrets it opening her mouth until Maggie quirks into a soft smile. “I really like you too, Danvers.” 

Her last name tacked on at the end almost makes it seem a little more casual, but it still hits Alex right in her chest. She’s not sure what to say — it’s definitely an easy segue into the conversation she’d been debating having with Maggie while she’d been cooking, about her feelings and how rapidly they’re descending into not-so-casual territory. If she’s being honest with herself, she’d probably acknowledge that they’d reach that point a long time ago. But that’s too pathetic, even for Alex.

Then Maggie gives her an out. “And definitely not for your cooking skills.” 

A laugh bubbles unexpectedly out of her chest, releasing the tension that’d been building there. “Yeah, well, I promise to never try to cook for you again.” 

Maggie raises her eyebrows. “Oh, I don’t know about that. I’m not doing all the cooking around here.” 

 “Well, you definitely don’t want Kara volunteering — though she’d try, I’m sure.” 

“Family trait?” 

Alex follows Maggie’s line of sight to the pans stacked on the stove, then huffs. “Hey — come on, I’m way better than Kara.”

Maggie nods. “True.” Her voice quiets. “You’re kind of the best, Alex.”

It’s been like this since Maggie arrived last night — their conversation taking sudden turns from light-hearted, easy-going territory to anxiety-inducing seriousness — and Alex has been left reeling the whole time. She knows well enough now that Maggie doesn’t want to get into an actual discussion about it— she always diverts the conversation before they get there with a joke or some other distraction — and Alex isn’t brave enough to push forward herself. 

So she waits, knowing what will happen. And sure enough, not a second later, Maggie drops her gaze, eyes landing on their empty plates. “I can clean this up if you want to start getting ready for work?”

Alex’s eyes widen. “Oh, god, what time is it? I totally forgot.” 

“Ten-thirty,” Maggie supplies. “Go — I’ll take care of this.” 

Alex reaches forward and squeezes her hand, unsure of whether or not she’s allowed to lean forward and kiss Maggie. They haven’t really kissed outside of the bedroom, besides last night when Maggie first arrived and took Alex by surprise. There’s boundaries to this, even if Alex isn’t quite sure what those are. 

She showers quickly, not letting herself get caught up in her thoughts as she rinses out her shampoo and conditioner. She hadn’t meant to take so long eating breakfast — but then again, she’d pretty much had to start over once Maggie woke up. 

She slips into her room without catching sight of Maggie, who is probably still in the kitchen cleaning up after her mess. She pulls her uniform out of the one basket of clean clothes she’d managed to get through this weekend while waiting for Maggie. 

Maggie is waiting for her in the living room when she comes out. 

“I gotta run, sorry,” Alex says, glancing at the watch on her wrist. She should’ve left five minutes ago, but she knows Vasquez won’t be mad. “I hope you won’t be too bored here — we only have basic cable.”

“I’ll find something to do,” Maggie says, walking with Alex to the door. “Have a good day.”

“You too,” Alex says, smiling. 

Maggie stops her before she reaches for the knob, hand winding around Alex’s to pull her in for a kiss. It’s soft, and she can feel Maggie smile into it, slightly off-balance as stretches up to reach Alex. 

She’s _really_ going to be late now, but Alex can’t find it in her to care. It’s Maggie that pulls away a second later. “You’ve gotta go.” She gives Alex’s shoulder a slight push as she backs away, and Alex can’t help the grin from spreading on her face as she watches Maggie walk away. She forces herself to leave before she decides to skip work. 

She feels like she’s walking on air as she goes down to her car, though it pretty much dissipates as soon as she hits the highway. Maggie had done it again — kissed her for real reason — and underneath the fluttering excitement of it all, the blurring lines leaves a heavy sinking in her stomach. 

//

Noonan’s isn’t busy, seeing as most of the town’s population has left for the week. She’s happy she’s stuck here with Vasquez instead of Danny, or the girl they hired to replace Vasquez once she’s gone. That is, until Vasquez decides that the break in customers just after lunch is a perfect time to corner Alex at the hostess stand. 

“So,” she says as she slides up next to her. “How are things with your girl?” 

“She’s not my girl,” Alex answers automatically, but she can’t stop the smile spreading on her face. “And things are good,” she can’t help but add.

Vasquez lights up. “Really?”

“She’s staying at my place for the week while the dorms are closed.”

“Wow, sounds serious.” 

“It’s not — we’re just, you know — “

“Having fun?” Vasquez finishes for her. “Yeah, you’ve mentioned.” 

“It’s true,” Alex insists. “We’re keeping our distance. I know what I’m doing.”

Except they’re not, they’re not at all, but she doesn’t want to admit that to Vasquez. 

Vasquez frowns, and Alex realizes that her tone was a little harsh. “I know, and I’m not trying to overstep, I’m just saying… I’ve been there. It’s not as easy as it sounds.” 

 _She’s just trying to help,_ Alex thinks. She shouldn’t be making her friend feel bad just because she doesn’t have a handle on her own feelings. 

Alex sighs. “Yeah, I’m actually discovering that now,” she admits. 

“Yeah?” Vasquez’s interest is piqued again. “You uh — you want to talk about it?” 

Alex glances over at the empty dining room, praying there’s some customer there she’d forgotten. There isn’t. She folds her arms over her chest as she shrugs. “I guess I don’t really know to what to say. I don’t know how I feel. I’m kind of trying not think about it, actually.” 

Vasquez laughs. “I know what that’s like. Well, you said you were in love with her in high school. What’s this like in comparison to that?”

Alex chews her lip as she thinks. “It’s crazy how much it feels like nothing has changed, even though everything is so different now.” 

“Well… it sounds like you might have your answer,” Vasquez says. Just then the bell dings, and a second later a family of four walks through the door. Vasquez jumps up. “I’ve got this.”

“Thanks,” Alex answers absentmindedly, still stuck on what Vasquez had just said. 

//

Business picks up after that, and Alex manages to shove her thoughts into the back of her head until the drive home. 

Maggie is waiting for Alex in the living room when she gets there. 

Her feet are propped up on the table, her face scrunched as she concentrates on the television, a controller clutched tightly in her hand, her fingers practically flying as she jams on the buttons. She doesn’t look up until the door closes behind Alex, but once she does her eyes find Alex’s immediately. She can hear some sort of explosion on the screen, but Maggie doesn’t seem concerned anymore as she smiles at Alex. 

“Hey,” she says, and Alex’s heart warms a little in her chest at the sight of her, hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. She’s wearing a National City University sweater Alex has never seen her in before, complete with a pair of cutoff sweats, and Alex just about melts. “How was work?”

“Way too slow,” Alex answers automatically. _I missed you_ , part of her wants to say, but she knows better. She hangs up her jacket before walking over to where Maggie sits on the couch. “How about you? I’m sure you were bored out of your mind here.” 

“I made do,” Maggie says, and Alex looks at the pile of Kara’s old games she’s pulled out. “I was going to try to cook, but I didn’t have time to go shopping and…”

“Yeah, we uh — we usually go together on the weekends. I kind of skipped it since Kara was gone.” 

“I can go tomorrow,” Maggie offers. “Anything in particular you want?”

“You don’t have to do that,” Alex says. But there really isn’t anything to eat in the house, and she feels bad leaving Maggie here with no food. “I can try to go before work tomorrow.”

Maggie shakes her head. “It’s the least I can do.”

They settle into the couch and decide on Chinese delivery. Alex calls while Maggie boots her game back up, and Alex has to apologize to the lady on the phone more than once for laughing at just how _bad_ Maggie is at this. She’s always struck Alex as some gamer — she takes over every time Alex can’t get through a battle on Mass Effect. But _this_ game — some old racing game of Kara’s — she’s almost comically terrible at. 

“Shut up,” Maggie grunts after one particularly bad crash.

“I didn’t say anything.” 

“I haven’t played this in like, ten years, okay?” 

“Just remind me never to get in a car with you again.”

Maggie barely improves as they wait for the food, but she at least isn’t in last place by the time Alex’s phone dings. She glances at it, expecting to be the delivery guy, but instead she finds a text from Kara. 

 _“We miss you!”_ it text reads, accompanied by a photo of Kara and Eliza. In Kara’s hands — clearly not happy to be there — is the small kitten that her mother had gotten a month ago that Alex has yet to meet. Judging from the insane amount of photos and videos Eliza’s mother had sent them after Kara taught her how to start a group chat, the thing is pretty cute. She’s happy — her mother has needed the company, being left in that big empty house all by herself. 

Alex can’t help the warm smile that spreads across her face at the sight. She sends back a quick heart, not wanting to be rude by staring at her phone while she’s hanging out with Maggie. But then her phone dings just a second later, her short answer apparently not satisfactory for Kara.  “ _Going stir crazy yet?”_

Alex raises her phone to take a quick picture of Maggie, who is adorably oblivious as she purses her lips, clearly deeply invested in the game. She pauses to look at it for a moment, taking in every bit of Maggie illuminated by the soft light of the television screen, before she decides staring at a picture of Maggie is just as weird as staring at the girl in person and forces herself to get back to the task at hand.

“ _Nope,”_ she writes back before pressing send. 

“What are you smiling at?” 

Alex ’s head snaps up to see Maggie, controller resting in her lap as she tilts her head, regarding Alex with a small smile. If her heart weren’t beating out of her chest at nearly being caught being a creep, she’d think it was cute.

“Kara, uh — she sent me a cute selfie of her with my mom and the new cat.” 

“Oh my god, you guys got a cat?” 

And _shit,_ that was the wrong thing to say, because now Maggie is leaning over like she wants to see the photo, and Alex’s eyes widen as she looks back at her phone, the picture of Maggie she’d just sent to Kara still taking up most of her screen. She quickly scrolls up to select the one Kara had sent her instead, praying that her phone won’t freeze and glitch like it does half the time she needs it to do anything fast.

Luckily, the photo loads just as Maggie leans into her. “Oh no, it’s cute,” she says, nose crinkling as she looks at the pair of them. “God, why are you here when you could be at home with a new kitten?”

Just as Alex thinks she might start dying for a whole _different_ set of reasons, her phone dings. 

She follows Maggie’s eyes up to the incoming message from Kara, the photo of Maggie just above it. 

_“O.M.G. whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!! I NEED THE DETAILS.”_

Alex feels like burying her head in the couch and never coming out. Her cheeks flush as her gaze meets Maggie, who of course is looking at her with that incredibly frustrating unreadable smile. “I, uh — I may have told Kara you were here.” 

“Oh, really?” Maggie teases. “Well hey — you don’t want to keep her hanging.” 

Maggie goes back to her game, but the grin doesn’t fall from her face for at least five minutes, and Alex spends the rest of the night wondering just what that might mean. 

//

Alex has work at ten the next morning, so she makes sure to set an alarm when they finally crawl into bed after two a.m., knowing waking up won’t be easy tomorrow.

It turns out that she doesn’t need it.

The first thing she becomes aware of as she wakes up is Maggie’s hand, trailing a soft line up and down her stomach. It feels nice, and Alex keeps her eyes closed, tempted to stay asleep — the alarm hasn’t rang yet, after all. 

Then Maggie’s mouth closes around her earlobe. 

Alex’s eyes shoot open, hands grasping into the sheets as she lets out a light gasp. Maggie laughs, nose nudging against the side of her ear. “Good morning,” she murmurs.

“Mm,” Alex responds, still unable to form words. Maggie’s lips return to her neck and she decides that speaking isn’t that important right now, anyway. 

Her hands leave the sheets, finding their way up to Maggie’s back, still covered by the tank top she’d fallen asleep in the night before. Her fingertips press into Maggie’s shoulder-blades, and she makes a satisfied noise in Alex’s ear. Her hand slides lower, and she finds Alex’s dip of her hip bone with her thumb. 

“What  — uh, time is it?” Alex asks, suddenly remembering her alarm. 

“You’ve got time,” Maggie assures her, dropping kisses as she kisses Alex’s collarbone peeking out from under her shirt. Alex closes her eyes, sighing as she brings a hand up to Maggie’s hair. She cups Maggie’s jaw with her other hand to pull her up to kiss her. 

Maggie pulls away after a few seconds. “Not that much time,” she says with a smile. 

“Okay then.” Alex bites her lip, reaching down and tugging her shorts a little lower, dragging Maggie’s hand with her as she goes. Her eyes shut as soon as Maggie touches her, teeth digging further into her lip as Maggie presses their foreheads together. 

It doesn’t take long for Maggie to work her up, hips rising to meet the quick rhythm of her hand through her shorts. She becomes frustrated with the angle, shimmying herself further out of her pants and underwear until she can kick them off with her feet. Maggie puts the room to good use, moving her wrist so she can and Alex is happy they have the house to themselves when she can’t her loud moan as she comes. 

Maggie gives her a second before she kisses her, soft and sweet. But Alex isn’t ready for that, not yet, hands reaching down to tug on the edge of Maggie’s shirt.

She finds her hands stopped by Maggie’s.

“I’m good,” she says. 

Alex looks at her quizzically, but Maggie just shakes her head. 

“I just wanted to make sure you had a good day at work,” Maggie says, leaning forward and pecking Alex on the mouth one more time before she rolls to the other side of the bed. Just then Alex’s phone starts buzzing where it sits on the night stand, and Maggie grins. “Besides, looks like you’re out of time.” 

She takes one last long look at Alex before she goes into the living room, leaving Alex breathless on the bed. She can only take a minute to gather herself — she definitely needs a shower, now. 

//

Vasquez eyes her up for a full minute when she gets to work before she comes over to her. “You’re practically glowing,” she points out.

“I am not,” Alex says. “I just — I had some really good coffee.”

“Yeah, sure.” Vasquez leans in, tilting her head. “What coffee is it that leaves hickeys, again?” 

Alex’s hand flies up to her neck as her cheeks flush a deep red, and Vasquez throws her head back as she laughs at Alex. “I guess I’ll be hosting tonight,” she says. 

//

When Alex wakes up Wednesday morning, Maggie isn’t there. She can hear her in the kitchen, though, so she quickly pulls on some clothes and stumbles into the living room. 

Maggie is leaning against the kitchen counter, a bowl of cereal in her hands. 

“Sorry,” she says as soon as she sees Alex standing in the door. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Alex runs a hand through her hair, hoping it isn’t too mussed from sleep. She should’ve at least looked in the mirror before she came out here, she realizes now, but her sleep-addled brain had just wanted to be back with Maggie. 

“No, no — it’s fine, I was awake.” She punctuates it with a yawn, and Maggie laughs and shakes her head.  

“Coffee?” Maggie offers.

“Please.” 

Alex leans against the fridge as she watches Maggie find her way around the kitchen. It takes her a moment to realize, but Maggie isn’t just up early –– she’s wearing leggings, running shoes, and a loose fitting t-shirt. She glances back down at her own shorts and old sweatshirt, feeling suddenly underdressed.

“You going somewhere?” Alex asks. 

“Yoga,” Maggie answers. “I was hoping to be back before you woke up, but — since you’re awake, want to come with?” 

Alex’s eyes go wide. “Uh — I don’t know. I’m not exactly flexible.” 

There’s that, and then there’s the other reasons she’d turned down this same offer once before. She’s pretty sure she’d short circuit watching Maggie do yoga.

“You’ve tried it, right?”

“…. Yeah.” 

“ _Alex.”_

“We did a unit on it in gym!”

“In high school?” Maggie rolls her eyes. “Come on. You have to try it at least once!”  

“I don’t know…” 

“I’ll buy you fro-yo afterwards.” 

Alex crosses her arms, sighing. She can’t say no to Maggie. “Make it ice cream and I’m there.”

Maggie extends a hand, grinning when Alex takes it. “Deal,” she says. “Now go get dressed — we need to leave in like five minutes.” 

//

Yoga, it turns out, is _hard,_ and not in the way Alex had expected. She’s so busy focusing on not falling over that she barely has time to even look at Maggie — though when she does, she’s embarrassed to find that she seems to be the only one really struggling. 

But it’s worth it for the ice cream, Alex tells herself. 

That, and getting to be with Maggie, of course, who is somehow even more beautiful after class, glowing with a sort of energy Alex has never really seen her with before. 

“So, did you like it?” Maggie asks once they’ve sat down at the ice cream parlor. 

Alex takes a bite of her cookie dough while she thinks. “It was…. interesting.”

Maggie rolls her eyes. “That means no.” 

“No! No, it was fun. I just really sucked, that’s all.”

“You’ll get better,” Maggie says. “If you wanted to come again, that is.” 

“I’ll think about it,” Alex answers coyly. 

“That definitely means no,” Maggie repeats. 

“Just — drink your smoothie. I can’t believe you got _that_ at an ice cream place, by the way.”

“It’s _healthier,_ Alex.” 

“Says the girl who slathers her grilled cheeses in mayonnaise.”

“Hey!” Maggie frowns. “You like my grilled cheese.” 

“And I also like my ice cream.” 

“Yeah, well,” Maggie says, taking an exaggerated sip from her straw. “To each his own.” 

//

They spend Thursday working on their homework, though thankfully Hughes hadn’t assigned them anything over the break except for their presentation, which they decide to put off until after school is back in session since they have pretty much the entire semester to work on it. 

They decide to take a break somewhere halfway through Alex’s second essay when Maggie’s stomach grumbles loudly. 

“Thank you for going shopping yesterday,” Alex says as they enter the kitchen. “What do you feel like having?” 

“Well… I’ve kind of been craving grilled cheese since we were talking about it the other day.” 

“Of course you have been.” Alex rolls her eyes. 

Maggie bats hers. “Please?”

“Wait, me?” Alex is suddenly anxious. “Uh — no, well, I mean, yours are _much_ better I’m sure.” 

“Come on, Alex. I want to see how much my student has learned.” 

Maggie pouts, and Alex groans. “Fine. But you’re not allowed to make fun of me if they suck.” 

She’s not sure why she’s nervous — she’s made these probably hundreds of times for Kara on nights when they didn’t have the time or ingredients to cook anything else — but she’s shaken from her attempt at breakfast the other day.

Maggie tries to make conversation as Alex cooks, but she’s too focused on the frying edges of the bread to really keep up, especially not when Maggie walks up behind her and wraps her arms around her waist, chin resting on her shoulder.

“Looking good, Danvers,” she says, and Alex swallows. 

She forces herself to focus on the sandwiches —  now is time to flip them, if she doesn’t want them to burn — and even though Maggie is watching she manages to get them both turned over without destroying either one (though the bread flops off on one, cheese sizzling as it fries on the side of the pan).

 _Maggie can have the pretty one,_ she decides.

Maggie leaves her after a second to get the plates, pressing a quick a kiss against Alex’s neck before she goes that sends a shiver up her spine. 

She cuts them diagonally — the ‘only way,’ as Maggie had once phrased it — and sets them up fancy like they do on the Food Network. 

“I feel like I should take a picture for Instagram, and I don’t even have an Instagram,” Maggie says when Alex puts the plate in front of her. 

“You could send it to Kara,” Alex points out and Maggie’s eyes light up. 

She goes to get them each a soda. When she returns, Maggie is smiling at her phone, and Alex can’t help but feel warm and fuzzy at the thought of Maggie and Kara getting closer. Maggie deserves good friends in her life.  

Maggie waits for Alex to sit down until she eats, but once Alex is seated she immediately digs in. Alex watches as she takes her first bite, waiting anxiously for her review. 

“Damn, Danvers.” 

Alex grins. “You like it?”

“Mm — the student has surpassed the teacher,” Maggie says. “The cheddar cheese is a nice touch. I’ve been stuck with American lately.” 

“Yeah, well, only the best for my best friend,” Alex says before she even thinks of what she’s saying. Maggie freezes, sandwich halfway to her mouth before she continues to eat. 

Alex is distinctly aware of each second that passes by without Maggie saying anything, and she tries not to freak out as she focuses on her food. But by the time she’s finished two entire bites without Maggie responding, she knows she can’t just sit there. “Sorry, that was weird. I mean — it’s not — old habits, I guess, right?” 

“Right,” Maggie agrees, though that doesn’t seem to sit well with her, a frown tugging at the corners of her mouth. She puts down her sandwich, sighing. “Well, am I?” 

“Are you what?” Alex asks, feigning ignorance in hopes that she’ll come up with an answer in the few seconds it buys her. 

“Your best friend?”

It doesn’t.

“Uh — I don’t… I mean, it’s not like there’s a lot of competition,” Alex jokes, hoping to lighten the situation. “So I guess, yeah.” 

Maggie smiles, but it looks sad. “Alex…”

“No, I mean — you don’t have to… I don’t have to be _yours_.” 

_Shit, that sounds bad._

But Maggie isn’t hung up on it, her mind clearly elsewhere. “It’s not that. I don’t want to sound like I’m judging, but, you said it yourself… is it really healthy for you to be sleeping with the only person you’re close to besides your sister?”

 _Ouch. That stings._ Alex fidgets in her seat, suddenly uncomfortable with the way Maggie is looking at her. “I have Vasquez.” 

“You don’t even see her outside of work, Alex.” Maggie drops her gaze. “I’m just saying, I’m going to be gone in a couple months and I don’t want to have this be something that hurts you. I mean, you said last time that you were in a bad place afterwards, and I don’t want that for you.” 

“I can handle myself.” Alex doesn’t mean to sound defensive, but it’s not like Maggie’s situation is much different. She spends all her time with Alex, too, after all.

“I just don’t want to put you in a bad spot,” Maggie says. “I care about you, and I… know what it feels like to get too deep into something you shouldn’t and I don’t want to be the person to do that to you.”

_Is she talking about us? Or Darla?_

“Too deep?” Alex asks. “I’m not too — I know what this is, Maggie. We’re just… friends.” 

“Best friends?” Maggie asks. 

Something in her tone doesn’t sit right with Alex. She shrugs. “Not if you don’t want to be.”  

It hurts to say, and it looks like it hurts Maggie to hear. “That’s… that’s not what I meant.” She sounds sad, and Alex immediately regrets it. Maggie fixes her jaw as she stares at her half-eaten sandwich. “This is — I’m sorry, I told you, I always do this.” 

She goes to get up, but Alex grabs her hand. “Wait — I didn’t mean that either. Can we just rewind? Finish our food? This week? I mean, you said it yourself, we don’t exactly have much time.” 

Maggie considers it for a long moment, and Alex’s heart just about stops beating in her chest.

“Yeah,” she finally says, sitting back down. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” 

Alex doesn’t let go of her hand. “It’s okay. I’m sorry too.” 

“Food’s probably cold,” Maggie notes. “We could reheat it?”

Alex takes a bite. “Actually — its kind of good.” 

Maggie follows suit. “Huh. What do you know.” 

The rest of the meal goes off with out a hitch, though Maggie’s jokes are a little flat and Alex’s laughs a bit forced. Alex would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little relieved to get back to her homework. At least it’s something to concentrate on other than the uneasy feeling in her stomach that this whole thing will fall apart at any moment, and she’s just not ready to let go. 

Not yet.

//

Saturday comes too soon. 

It’s her last night with Maggie before Kara gets home and the dorms reopen tomorrow, and neither one of them have made any mention of extending Maggie’s stay past then. 

It’s their last night, and she’s spending it at fucking Noonan’s. 

She can’t wait to get back home, driving a little faster than she would usually choose to at this time of night, but she needs to get home for her last night with Maggie. She’s expecting the same scene she’s gotten each night for the past week when she arrives — but Maggie isn’t in the living room when she walks in. 

“Maggie?” she calls out into the empty space.

“Oh, hey!” she hears from the other room. Maggie comes around the corner, smile slightly nervous as she regards Alex from a distance. “Welcome back. How was work?” 

“It was… good,” Alex trails off, sniffing the air. “Is that… did you cook?”

Maggie nods, smile easing into something more natural as she cocks her head and walks towards the kitchen. Alex follows her, stopping when she sees the dining room table.

“I, uh — I figured I owed you one after that delicious breakfast the other morning. And to apologize for uh, everything last night.” 

The dinner is delicious, and Alex is sure to tell Maggie after just about every other bite. 

“How have you been hiding this all this time?”

“What?” Maggie asks, scrunching her nose.

“That you can _cook!”_

“Oh — I guess I learned a thing or two from my aunt,” Maggie says as she shrugs. “My mom sucked at cooking, but my aunt — _god._ You have to try her food one day.” 

“Why don’t you pick a movie while I clean up?” Alex offers when they’re done.

Maggie had already done most of the cleaning as she cooked, so there’s only their plates and the dishes the food was served in for her to take care of. She finishes as quickly as she can, anxious to get back with Maggie for their last few hours together before things go back to whatever they were before.

But when she enters the living room the television is still off and Maggie is standing near the couch, staring at her phone where it sits on the table. 

“Hey,” Alex says when she decides Maggie isn’t going to notice her standing there. Maggie barely glances up, eyes returning to her phone after a second. 

“Sorry, I didn’t pick a movie,” she says. 

“You okay?” Alex asks. Maggie doesn’t meet her eyes as she nods, instead staring at her phone where it lays on the coffee table. It makes Alex nervous, and she keeps a bit of distance between them as she sits down. “What’s wrong?”

Maggie sighs as she finally looks over at Alex. “My aunt texted. She called my mom and asked if I should — if they would —“ she stops herself, pinching her brow between her fingers as she sighs. “She wanted to know if my mom thought my dad would want to see me. She said no.”

Alex’s heart aches in her chest. She reaches forward and grabs Maggie’s other hand, resting on her lap. “Oh Maggie. I’m so sorry.” 

Maggie shakes her head. “No, no it’s okay. I wasn’t going to go, anyway. It feels good to know that was the right decision. I said goodbye to my father a long time ago. I mean, it’s been four years, and he’s had plenty of time to make amends; that’s not on me.”  

“You’re right,” Alex says. “You don’t have to forgive him just because he’s sick.”

Maggie nods, sniffing. She lets out a shaky breath, her fingers curling around Alex’s. “But she also said that my mom told her she wants to see me. After, uh… after he goes.” 

Alex presses her lips together. “Has she tried to contact you at all since… you know, everything?”

“No,” Maggie shakes her head, “but she was never like _him_. My mother may not have understood me being gay, but my dad? He despised it.” 

“So…” Alex is unsure if she should ask her next question. “Would you want to see _her_?”

Maggie sets her jaw, her eyes dropping to her phone. “I, uh —“ She starts to speak, but her voice is choked, suddenly hoarse, and she stops to take in a wavering breath. “I don’t know? She — she could have stopped him, I think. When he kicked me out. I mean, she never stood up for me — does that make her just as bad? What kind of mother…” Maggie stops herself, letting out a shallow laugh. “I mean , I know wasn’t the greatest kid, but I don’t think I deserved _that.”_

It just about breaks Alex’s heart. “Maggie, of course you didn’t,” she assures her, her free hand rising to cup Maggie’s cheek. “You didn’t deserve any of it.”

Maggie’s lip quivers when she looks back at Alex, and Alex can’t hold herself back anymore. Her arms wrap around Maggie, pulling her close to her chest and holding her tight. Maggie’s arms slide around her neck, a hand winding into Alex’s hair against the crook of her neck, her small frame shaking against Alex’s as she finally breaks. 

//

They fall asleep on the couch that night. 

Alex somehow finds the strength to force herself to get up, nudging Maggie until she’s awake and they can stumble to bed together. Maggie has to be in her hall early so she can be there while her residents return, so they wake up together to pack up her things. 

Kara won’t be there until that night, and Alex isn’t looking forward to the few hours alone, but she tries her best not to pout as she helps Maggie fold her clothes. She trails behind her as they walk towards the door. Maggie stops when she reaches it, turning to Alex with a soft smile. 

“Thank you, again. I don’t know if I would’ve survived a week at my aunt’s.” 

“Well, you know you’re welcome here any time,” Alex says. She’s said it a lot the past few days, but this time Maggie seems to soften a little more, biting her lip as she considers Alex for a moment. 

“I wish I could take you up on that, but I’m pretty sure I’d lose my housing if I just abandoned my freshmen.”

Alex shuffles, unsure of what to do next. Does she walk Maggie to her car? Is this a hug sort of moment?

Maggie doesn’t seem too sure either, hesitating as they stand near the door.

“I’ll uh — I’ll see you in class Tuesday?” Maggie says. It’s a suitable goodbye, but the reminder that she’s not going to see Maggie again for another few days helps Alex decide that it’s not enough. 

She reaches forward to grab the lapels of Maggie’s peacoat, leaning down to kiss her. Maggie responds eagerly, hands immediately rising to Alex’s face to pull her closer. 

Maggie has kissed her a lot in the past few days, but this one feels different, and not just because Alex initiated it. It’s not just the way Maggie’s fingers tighten as they slide into her hair, tilting her head as she deepens the kiss, or how Maggie keeps their foreheads connected for a second after they pull away, chest heaving as she tries to catch her breath. 

It’s that this is starting to feel safe. It’s starting to feel right. 

And that terrifies her more than anything.

//

Kara gets home just after eight o’clock, eyes slightly bleary from the drive. They light up nonetheless when they see Alex, and she practically throws herself on her sister. 

“I missed you,” she says after they pull away. “Mom did too.” 

“Yeah, I missed you guys.”

“Uh-huh, sure,” Kara said. “I’m sure you hated having the apartment to yourself. Oh that’s right _—_ you didn’t.” 

“Shut up,” Alex says, rolling her eyes. “Just tell me what you want to know.”

“Oh, no. I wouldn’t want to pry,” Kara says. 

“Really?” Alex asks, but Kara just smiles and nods.

That is, until they’ve settled in the living room. 

“So… how are things?” 

“Kara, just _ask_.” 

“Okay, okay, fine. How was Maggie?”

Alex sighs. She was expecting it, but she still isn’t sure how to answer. “She was good,” she decides. “We had a lot of fun. She’s kind of going through a lot right now, with her dad and everything.” 

“Yeah, that must be tough,” Kara says. “And um, how are you?” 

“Good,” she says. “I mean, it was a really nice week. I’m going to miss her.” 

“You can have her over whenever you want,” Kara says. “I love her being here. It’s nice seeing you happy.” 

Alex chooses to ignore that last comment. “Yeah, well, she has a hall full of freshman she’s kind of responsible for, so.”

“And you can’t go there?”

“And leave my darling sister?” 

Kara gives her a serious look. “Alex — I didn’t mean that I didn’t want you to be close with her. I just don’t want you to shut me out. Spend as much time with her as you want, just keep me in the loop, okay?” 

“Yeah, I will,” Alex promises. Kara smiles at her, and she decides it’s time to lighten the mood. “So, how was your week with mom?”

"It was good — she did all my laundry." Kara’s eyes widen suddenly as she gasps. “Oh my god, you _have_ to look at these pictures of the baby.”

Alex scrunches her nose. “It’s a cat _,_ Kara.”

“He’s a _baby.”_

//

It’s been two weeks since spring break, and she’s barely gotten to see Maggie.

Okay, that’s an exaggeration. They’ve spent at least three nights together each week, but it’s nothing like having her there every day, and Alex misses her.

Still, they’ve stayed in touch, texting each other throughout the day and calling each other at night if they haven’t seen each other that day (and a couple of nights just because). And she’d gotten a text from Maggie that morning that had given her an idea. 

_“A freshman came back to the dorm at 3 a.m. completely shitfaced. Guess who got woken up to make sure she didn’t have alcohol poisoning.”_

She knows Maggie has an early shift this morning at the library, so she decides to pick up a couple of coffees and bring them to her. She’d barely gotten any sleep, after all.

Alex is practically bouncing as she takes the stairs up to the library. She hasn’t seen Maggie in two days, at this point, and that’s two too many. 

She stops short when she enters the library and sees Maggie, smile wide as she stands close to another girl behind the counter. She’s pretty — sort of like Kara, if she’s being honest, with long brown hair and a fashionable but sensible outfit — and Alex’s stomach twists. The girl bumps Maggie’s shoulder before she goes back to a computer at the other side of the desk. Maggie’s eyes don’t follow her, and Alex relaxes a little. 

She considers turning back. Maggie hasn’t seen her, and it’s not like the coffee cost a lot of money. She can throw it in the trash outside and pretend like this never happened. 

Except she can’t do that. She can’t turn away from this not knowing whether or not she’s just being insanely paranoid. Maggie would have told her if she had a crush on another girl, right? And definitely if she was seeing someone els.e She might not know what exactly she _is_ to Maggie, but in the past few months they’ve rebuilt their friendship at least, and friends don’t hide stuff like that from each other. Maggie wouldn’t hurt her like that.

But then again, she’d hurt Maggie pretty badly at one point in their lives, and she’s sure Maggie wasn’t expecting that, either. 

Alex only hesitates another second before walking through the entrance, putting on her best smile for Maggie when she finally notices her. 

“Danvers, hey!” Maggie sounds surprised to see her. She looks at the two coffee cups in Alex’s hands. “Please tell me one of those is for me.” 

“Of course,” Alex says, but her voice lacks its usual enthusiasm. Maggie might notice it — pausing for just a second to look at Alex before she takes the coffee from her hand. 

“Thanks,” she says with a smile. 

Alex tries to return it, but the girl Maggie had been talking to walks over, and she finds herself staring at her instead. She shouldn’t have done this. Maggie hasn’t really brought their relationship into public at all — this could be way too forward. What if she _is_ seeing other girls? Alex has no right to interfere with that, right? 

“Danvers?” Maggie brings her attention back. “You okay?” 

Alex nods immediately. She’s made up her mind — this isn’t the time or the place to talk about this. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. You mentioned you didn’t sleep well, so I thought maybe…” She takes a quick sip of her coffee, unsure of where she should end that sentence. She’d really just wanted an excuse to see Maggie, after all. 

“Well, it’s much appreciated.”

“How was your shit-faced freshman?”

Maggie laughs. “A mess, but we took care of her. I hate when they come back that fucked up — I have to report it.” 

“Ugh, I forgot we’re supposed to be a dry campus. Thank god I don’t live there anymore.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not that hard to get around if you’re not a fucking idiot, but.”

Alex lets out an empty laugh, shaking her head as she takes a sip of her coffee.

Maggie raises her cup to her mouth, but pauses before sipping, instead squinting at Alex before she sighs. “Come on, Alex. Something’s bothering you. What’s going on?”

She shakes her head, trying her best to look cool. “What? No.” It’s not working. Maggie doesn’t let up with her stare. “Really, it’s nothing — it’s just… I, uh — “ 

Alex can’t find the words, but then something that looks a lot like fear flashes across Maggie’s face as she waits for Alex that pushes her to keep talking. She knows she has no choice but to get this out there now. At least the other girl has returned to her desk, out of earshot. 

Still, Alex leans across the counter and keeps her voice hushed. “I know we’re not — you know — _together_ together, or anything, but I was just wondering if you’re… that is, if you have any — uh — other girls?” 

Maggie pauses, brow furrowing for a moment before her face breaks into a teasing smile. “Aw, Danvers — I didn’t know you got jealous. I thought I was alone there,” she says, laughing. “And for the record, no. I mean when would I even have time? I’m basically at work, at class, or with you.” 

Alex rolls her eyes. “I know, I know — I guess I pictured you making out with girls in between the library stacks or something.” 

Maggie raises her eyebrows, then smirks. “You know, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.” She looks over at the girl at her desk. “Hey, Sara? I’m going to take my break.” 

//

Alex is running late to class on Thursday. She texts Maggie and asks her to save her a seat, but she hasn’t responded by the time Alex arrives on campus. Alex spends the whole walk to class so worried that Maggie might not be there that she almost misses her, leaning against the building their class is inside of. 

She smiles and goes to wave, but her greeting dies in her throat as soon as she sees the look on Maggie’s face.

_Something’s wrong._

_“_ Maggie?” she asks as she approaches. “What’s going on?”

“It’s my dad, he’s, uh —“ Maggie sniffs, wrapping her arms around herself. “I just got off the phone with my aunt and he’s — he’s dead. He _died._ ” 

Her voice cracks, and Alex reaches forward and pulls her into her arms. Maggie’s shaking, but she doesn’t cry, not like she did the other night. Instead she just rests her forehead on Alex’s shoulder as she takes a few deep breaths, than pulls away. 

“I — I, uh, I don’t think I can go in there. I need to go, I need to —“ 

“Hey, hey,” Alex says, running her hands up and down Maggie’s arms as she tries to get her to look her in the eyes. “You don’t have to go in. Come on, I’ll drive.”  

“But my absences, and Hughes —“ 

“I’ll email him. He’ll understand, trust me.” 

Maggie glances at the door one more time, then nods. “Okay. Yeah, okay. Let’s go.” 

They make it to Alex’s car without talking, Maggie reaching for her hand halfway through. She holds onto it so tight Alex’s fingers hurt, but she squeezes back as best she can. 

They drive in silence until they get to the highway, and Alex finally has to ask: “Where do you want to go?” 

“Just… drive,” Maggie says, gesturing aimlessly in front of her.

They continue down the highway until it nears dark and Alex has to stop for gas. She texts Kara to let her know what’s up while she’s inside the station. 

She gets a few different types of candy, unsure of what kind Maggie likes or if she’ll even want to eat right now. She barely remembers what she’d done when her own dad died; it’s all a blur, and she has a feeling that’s what it feels like for Maggie right now. 

Maggie smiles at her when she gets back in the car, but doesn’t say anything as they pull out. She gets back on the service road, following it until she reaches the light where she needs to decide which direction they head — back towards school, or deeper into the state. 

There’s no one behind them, so Alex sits there for a moment before turning to Maggie. “Which way should we go?” 

She can see Maggie in the glow of the red light, but Maggie doesn’t look at her, eyes fixed forward, brimming with tears still unshed. She almost thinks isn’t going to get an answer when she barely catches Maggie voice, quiet after a few hours of disuse. 

“Home,” she says. She reaches out for Alex’s hand, fingers lacing through hers on the gear shift and squeezing. “I want to go home.” 

Alex knows she doesn’t mean her dorm, or the apartment Alex shares with Kara. She pulls her phone out and sends a quick text out to Kara to let her mother know they’re coming, and when the light turns green, she turns left, following the familiar road she’d drive a hundred times her first semester to visit her sister. 

 _Home_ , she repeats in her head.

_We’re going home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And back to Midvale they go...
> 
> Let me know what you thought! Again, sorry for the wait, but the next chapter should be a lot easier to write (this one was a bit of a doozy, and I was sick with the flu for a good two weeks and didn't get much writing done). If you're interested in Years & Years, the band whose album the fic is named for, they just released a new song on Spotify a few days ago that I highly recommend!


	18. i try my best but i don't ever change

 

Eliza is waiting for them on the porch when they pull up to the house.

Alex offers to get Maggie’s bag when they get out of the car, so Maggie gets the first hug while Alex sets their things down. Eliza’s still got a tight hold on Maggie when she’s done.

She can’t help but feel guilty as she watches Maggie, forehead resting on Eliza’s shoulder as the older woman rubs a small circle on her back. Alex knows she’s been so stupid these past few months, avoiding her mother. She’s learned from experience what it’s like to lose a parent. 

There’s nothing keeping her from having a good relationship with Eliza but herself. 

“It’s good to see you,” Eliza says when Maggie pulls away.

“You too. Thank you for letting me stay here.”

“Of course.”

When Maggie steps back Alex hurries to take her place, wrapping her arms around her mother. The embrace is quick, but Eliza presses a soft kiss to Alex’s temple that makes her think her mother — as usual — knows exactly what she’s thinking. 

“I made up Kara’s room for you, Maggie. And of course your room is always ready for you, Alex.” 

“Thank you, Mrs. Danvers.” 

“Maggie, please. You know better. Now, did you girls eat?”

“We got some snacks at the gas station,” Alex admits, leaving out that it was mostly candy.

Eliza gives her a hard stare that leaves Alex shrinking then shakes her head. “Well, why don’t you go get settled in and I’ll heat you up some leftovers. Okay?” 

Maggie follows Alex down the hall that leads to her bedroom. Alex flicks the switch on the wall as she enters, dropping her duffel at the side of her desk. She goes to sit on her bed, but stops herself when she sees Maggie hesitating in the doorway.

“Sorry,” she says, looking around the room. “I guess it’s just… it’s been a while.”

“Yeah,” Alex says. “Sorry,” she follows up with, because she doesn’t know what else to say. 

Maggie shrugs it off. “Can I chill in here until the food’s done? I don’t really feel comfortable just hanging out in Kara’s old room. Is it still painted all those insanely bright colors, by the way?” 

Alex snorts. Kara’s coated her walls in garish neon paints in her sophomore year. She was way too proud to admit that it looked terrible. To this day, Kara swears by her choice in decor, saying it expressed who she was perfectly at the time. 

Alex is happy to report her tastes have gotten more subdued in her older age. 

“Ha, no way. My mom got those covered as soon as we moved out. And of course you can hang with me.” 

“Well, I’m glad to see things are pretty much the same in here.” Maggie finally steps into the room, closing the door behind her. Much to Alex’s dismay, she takes a seat on the chair at the desk. “Your mom seems like she’s doing well.”

“Yeah, she is — she’s the head of her lab now, and of course there’s the —“ 

“Oh my god, Alex, the kitten!” 

They drop Maggie’s bag in Kara’s room before they start on their hunt for the cat. With a little help from Eliza, they find him curled up asleep behind one of the hutches in the living room. 

“He’s a mush,” Eliza says. “Give him a few minutes to warm up to you and he’ll be in your lap.” 

“I can do that,” Maggie says, holding a hand out for Hamilton to sniff. He takes a moment before bopping his head against Maggie’s fingers. Maggie scratches under his chin, in awe when he makes a small noise and leans into her. “Oh my god.” 

“I know, right?” Eliza says. “He’s a cutie.” 

Alex can’t help the smile on her face as she watches the scene unfold, almost able to put the real reason why they’re here out of her mind.

Almost.

“I never had a cat,” Maggie says, watching intently as Hamilton cranes his neck so she can scratch behind his ears. “My dad kind of hated the idea of pets, and my aunt’s dog would probably eat one.” 

“Well, you’re welcome to visit this guy any time,” Eliza offers. “Now about that food… you girls hungry?” 

//

Eliza makes sure they each have their fill of whatever she found in the fridge — a mix of tex-mex from the other night, some leftover chicken cutlets and way too many mashed potatoes. 

“What were you cooking for, an army?” Alex asks. 

“Your sister was home recently,” Eliza reminds her. “And I host a book club now.”

“Really?” Alex says, surprised. Her mother hadn't mentioned it. Eliza raised her eyebrows like she's expecting Alex to make fun of her, but she just smiles. “That sounds nice.”

“It’s delicious, Eliza,” Maggie says. “Thank you.” 

//

Alex wakes up early on Friday. It hadn’t been a particularly restful night. It’s been a while since she slept in this tiny of a bed, but that wasn’t really what bothered her. It was the distinct lack of _Maggie_ next to her, knowing that she was just down the hall.

She goes into the kitchen, happy to find it empty. She’s not sure what time it is, but she treads carefully, sure to be quiet as she fixes herself a cup of coffee on her mom’s weird fancy machine. 

Alex finds her computer in her backpack in the living room and opens up her email. She first writes a message to Hughes, explaining their situation and that they’d be back in class on Tuesday. She also texts her boss, letting her know that she won’t be available in case anything comes up this weekend. She’s happy she didn’t have any shifts — not that it would matter. She would have come with Maggie either way. 

She’s not sure if there’s anyone else she should reach out to — Maggie hadn’t mentioned having to work this weekend, and she almost always skips her Friday class anyway, claiming it’s “pointless.” 

Alex leans back in her seat, taking a long sip of her coffee. 

It feels odd, being back home with Maggie. It brings up memories, to say the least. They had only spent a few months together as best friends, but it had seemed like so long, and so long ago — until now. 

She isn’t sure how long she’s been sitting there, lost in her thoughts, when Maggie appears in the doorway. She’s wearing some of Kara’s old pajama pants, and her t-shirt from the night before. 

Maggie looks surprised to see Alex sitting there, pausing in the door. 

“Oh. Good morning,” she says. “I didn’t think anyone would be up.”

“Sorry,” Alex says, unsure why she’s apologizing. “You uh, sleep okay?” 

Maggie shrugs. “Yeah.” She takes a few steps forward, heading straight for the coffee pot. “I mean — as well as I could, I guess.” 

Alex watches as she pours herself a mug, then reaches into the fridge for the creamer. 

“I emailed Hughes,” Alex tells her when she sits down. “Is there anyone else you want me to reach out to?” 

Maggie shakes her head. “I texted my coworker last night to double check, and I’m not on the schedule.” 

“Good,” Alex says. “You want something to eat?” 

Maggie laughs. “I know better than to accept that offer.” 

Alex pretends to be wounded. “Hey! I’m sure we have cereal.” 

“Tempting,” Maggie says. “But I’m good with coffee for now.” 

“Speaking of,” Alex says, grabbing her now-empty mug. “I think it’s time for a refill.”

Maggie frowns. “Did _you_ not sleep well?” 

Now it’s Alex’s turn to shrug. “I guess. I uh — I haven’t been home in a while. It’s kind of weird.” 

“Really?” Maggie asks. “Any reason why?” 

Alex pours her coffee, thinking. “I work a lot. And school is pretty busy. I mean, I make it home for the holidays, but most of the time some relative is in my room and I’m stuck camping out with Kara in the living room, so…”  She shrugs. “It’s been a while.” 

Maggie nods. “I haven’t been here since the summer after high school, so…” 

“We could go for a ride around town, I can show you what’s new,” Alex offers. She knows that’s not what Maggie is talking about — she means here, in Alex’s house — but she’s not sure she’s ready to broach that subject. 

Maggie nods. “Yeah, that sounds nice.” She pauses, swirling her spoon in her mug for a moment before she speaks. “I was thinking — maybe we could drive by my uh, my parents house?”

Alex hesitates. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Won’t it like, bring up bad memories or something?”

“Maybe,” Maggie says. “But I just feel like I have to do it. My aunt says they're selling it, so...”

“You want to see it one last time,” Alex supplies. “I get it. Sure, just let me grab my stuff.”

She finds her wallet in her jeans pocket from the day before and her keys on the nightstand. When she returns to the kitchen, Maggie is standing there with Alex's mother. 

“Good morning, sweetheart,” Eliza says with a smile. “Maggie tells me you two are going out?”

The phrasing makes Alex freeze, but she realizes what her mother means after a moment. They’re going _out,_ as in leaving the house, not as in, well… 

“Yeah,” Alex says, glancing at Maggie, not sure how much she should say. “Do you have work today?” 

Eliza nods. “I have to stop by the lab, but I’ll get off early and make a run to the grocery store so we don’t end up eating more mashed potatoes for dinner.” 

“I’d be happy to help cook,” Maggie offers. 

Alex perks up. Another one of Maggie’s dinners sounds _amazing._

“That would be lovely,” Eliza says with a warm smile. Alex is sure her mother will appreciate having someone competent to help her in the kitchen — god knows both her daughters are failures in that department. Eliza glances at her watch. “Well, I’d better get going if I want to be out of work in time.” 

“Have a good day,” Alex says, reaching out for her mother. 

Eliza hugs her, then gives Maggie’s shoulder a squeeze before she leaves the kitchen. 

“You want to get going?” Maggie asks as soon as the door closes behind her. Alex hadn’t been thinking they’d go so early, but she supposes Maggie doesn’t want to wait. And if this will help her deal, then Alex isn’t going to stop her. 

“Just let me get changed.” 

//

They don’t talk on the ride to Maggie’s house. Alex hasn’t been there in four years, but she still easily knows the way. She’s had to resist the urge to turn down her road so many times over the past few years — the couple of times she’s been home, that is. She just wanted to _see,_ maybe catch a glimpse of Maggie’s life after Alex. Now she knows that it would have been pointless; Maggie wouldn’t have been there. 

Maggie reaches for Alex’s hand when she puts on her blinker to turn down Maggie’s road. Her grip is tight, and Alex does her best to return it. 

Alex isn’t sure what to do — the driveway is empty, but it feels weird to pull in. She decides on pulling up to the curb. Maggie waits until Alex puts in park before she speaks.

“They took down the tree,” Maggie says. “The one outside my window, with the swing. I never used it — I was too old by the time we moved here — but my dad loved the idea of it. He loved that stupid tree.” 

“Maybe it was rotten,” Alex says. 

“Yeah, maybe.” 

Not much else looks different about the house, from what Alex can see. She hadn’t spent much time here, not with Maggie’s parents breathing down her neck. But still, it brings back memories. 

Maggie looks like she’s about to say something else when the front door opens.

“Shit _,”_ Maggie curses under her breath, immediately sliding down into her seat. But it’s too late — a woman is on the porch, looking directly into the car. She must have already seen them from inside. “What is she _doing_ here?”

“Is that —“

“Yeah, it is. Wait here,” Maggie says, unbuckling her seatbelt and opening the car door. 

Alex watches with a lump in her throat as Maggie approaches her mother. 

Alex has never seen the woman before, but she would have recognized her anyway — so much of Maggie is hidden in her features, obscured slightly by age but obvious nonetheless. 

She can’t hear what they’re saying as they stand a few feet apart from each other in the slightly overgrown yard. Maggie keeps her hands in her pockets, shifting her weight as she listens to her mother. The conversation is short, ending with a curt nod from Maggie as she turns on her heel and walks back to the car. 

She motions for Alex to roll down the window as she approaches.

“Hey,” Maggie says. “Would it be alright if I, uh — went inside to talk to her?” 

“Of course,” Alex says. “I can wait.” 

Maggie nods. “You can uh — go for a drive, if you want. It might be a while. I have a lot to say.” 

“Okay.” The idea makes Alex uneasy — of leaving Maggie here with her mother who she hasn’t seen in four years — but if it’s what Maggie wants… “Just text me when you want me to come get you.” 

//

Alex tries to find things to do in Midvale to occupy her time — she really does. It’s just a bit hopeless, is all. The town certainly hasn’t experienced a renaissance in the past few years. In fact, there just might be less to do around town now than there was when Alex was in high school. 

It’s been more than an hour when Maggie finally texts her. She’d found her way to an old used bookstore that is somehow still in business. It doesn’t carry anything remotely popular, and is built mostly from the collection of the zany old man that owns it, but it’s always held a special place in her heart. There’s something charming about the dusty shelves and dim lighting that makes Alex feel comfortable. 

It’s where she comes to think.

Though her thoughts are anything but organized in the hour she waits for Maggie. She can’t help but worry, of course. And a tiny voice in the back of her mind keeps reminding her that she needs to mend her relationship with her own mother.

God, she wishes she could be there with Maggie. She doesn’t want Maggie to have to face this alone — she deserves someone by her side for at least once in her life. But she can’t; that’s not the sort of _friendship_ they have.

So she forces herself to pick up a book from the dust-covered shelving, blowing it off before she opens the pages. She barely absorbs the information as she reads — it’s a biography, so far as she can tell, with a bit of a narrative twist. She finds herself rereading the same page over and over again, and she’s barely made a dent when her phone dings. 

Alex fumbles to get it out of her pocket, and the shopkeeper clears his throat, not-so-subtly looking towards the “no cell phones” sign behind the counter. 

“Sorry,” she mouths to him as she finally pulls it free. She silences it before opening the message. 

_“Can you come get me?”_

Alex puts the book back on its shelf, trying not to sneeze at the cloud that rises from its landing, and waves a quick goodbye to the owner before she leaves. 

“ _I’m on my way.”_

//

Maggie texts her an intersection to meet at, and she’s waiting there with her arms crossed over her chest when Alex pulls up.  

“You okay?” Alex asks once she's inside the car. They're pretty far from Maggie's house — she must've been walking for a while before she’d texted Alex. 

Maggie nods. “Yeah, I uh — just needed some air.”

Alex isn't sure if she should ask, but her curiosity gets the better of her. “How'd it go?”

“It was... she was nice, I guess. Sad. She didn't really have too much to say.”

Neither does Maggie, apparently. They make it halfway back to Alex's house before she starts talking. 

“Sorry, I need time to process, I guess,” Maggie says after several minutes of silence. 

“It's okay,” Alex says. “No rush.”

“I just—it's silly, but I can't help but keep thinking... like, I thought she’d look older, you know? Gray hair or something. But I guess it’s only been four years,” she says, sighing. “It feels like longer.” 

“Four years _is_ a long time,” Alex reminds her gently. “Did you… get to say what you wanted to?” 

Maggie lets out a long breath. “I don’t know.” 

//

Maggie excuses herself to shower once they get home. 

Alex isn’t sure what to do with herself, especially since her mom isn’t home yet. She decides to call Kara, sitting on the couch while she waits for her to answer. The cat jumps in her lap as soon as she sits, and Alex almost drops her phone. 

“Alex!” Kara’s voice suddenly comes through the speaker. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Alex assures her. “Just checking in.”

“Sorry,” Kara says. “It feels kind of weird — you being home and me not.” She waits a beat. “How’s Maggie?” 

“She’s… I don’t know. She saw her mom,” Alex says.

“Oh. Shouldn’t that be like… a good thing? That’s why she went home, right?”

It occurs to Alex suddenly that Kara doesn’t really know anything about Maggie — not about her parents, or her tumultuous relationship with them. “Um — part of the reason, I guess. It’s just hard. You know.” 

This Kara can agree with. “Yeah. Well let me know if there’s anything I can do. How’s mom?”

“She seems happy,” Alex says. She strokes behind the cats ear for a moment while she thinks. “Hey, did you know she hosts a book club?” 

Kara laughs. “Yeah — actually, I met them when I was home for spring break. They’re a lovely group of ladies.” 

“That’s cute,” Alex says. “And what about you? You holding up okay?” 

“I may have eaten Chinese delivery every night for the past week.” 

“Kara!” 

“I’ve gotten different things! It’s just so _good.”_

She stays on the phone with Kara until she hears the water turn off and decides to excuse herself. She doesn’t think Maggie would come out here if she heard Alex on the phone. 

“We’ll be back Sunday,” Alex tells Kara before she hangs up. 

“Okay, good. I miss you. Give Maggie my love.” 

//

Dinner with Eliza is genuinely enjoyable, to Alex’s surprise. Maggie helps her make Alfredo sauce, and Eliza makes her famous chicken cutlets. Alex is put in charge of the garlic bread, which she’s proud to say made it out of the oven at a perfect, crispy golden brown. 

Maggie seems to have put the conversation with her mother out of her mind, at least for the evening as she jokes and laughs with Eliza in the kitchen. It’s nice to see her mother happy, and it’s even nicer to see Maggie making her feel that way. 

They stuff themselves full of food, each of them going back for seconds (and Alex eats an embarrassing amount of the bread). 

“God — I’m ready for bed, now,” Eliza says, laughing. 

“Me too,” Alex agrees. “Though I really have to shower first.” 

“Why don’t you head up and do that while I clean up?” Eliza offers.

Alex shakes her head. “No way — you cooked.” 

“I’ll help,” Maggie says. “Go ahead.” 

Alex eyes Maggie and her mother. “If you’re sure.” 

She finds herself suddenly nervous — she’d mentioned to Maggie that she’s not out to her mom before, right? Maggie doesn’t seem like the sort of person to _out_ someone. She tries to put the thought out of her head while she showers, but still, she can’t help but try to hurry through, barely letting her conditioner soak in before she rinses it out. 

But by the time she gets dressed and back into the kitchen, she finds only her mother at the sink, finishing rinsing it out. 

“Oh good — I can start the dishwasher,” she says once she sees Alex. “That was fast.” 

“Yeah, uh, I just needed to rinse off,” Alex says. “Where’s Maggie?”

“The poor girl looked exhausted, so I told her to go get ready for bed. I made her some tea — do you want to bring it to her?”

“Sure,” Alex says. It’s an excuse to see Maggie one more time tonight, after all. She walks over and wraps her arms around her mother where she stands at the sink, pressing a kiss against her shoulder. “Goodnight.” 

She carefully carries the full mug down the hall to Kara’s room, trying not to let her knuckles brush against the hot ceramic. 

Maggie opens the door as soon as she knocks. She looks surprised to see Alex, and smiles. “Oh, hey. That the tea your mom made me?”

“Mhm,” Alex says. “Smells like chamomile.” 

“Great,” Maggie says, reaching for the mug. “Thank you.”

Alex stands there, unsure what to do next. Maggie is tired, and Alex should let her go to bed, but she can’t help but want to be around her for just a little bit longer. She’s acutely aware of her mother just down the hall, but still risks it. She leans in, pressing a soft kiss against Maggie’s cheek. 

“Goodnight,” she says when she pulls away. 

Maggie smiles, small and soft but still enough for her dimples to appear on her cheeks. “Night, Alex.”

//

Alex can’t sleep. It’s not like she’s not tired — after last night, she was sure she’d be able to fall asleep no problem tonight. But still, her thoughts don’t want to calm enough for her to even begin to think of shutting down. 

It’s been nearly an hour of laying there before her thoughts finally start to lose focus, drifting further away each time before she catches them. Just when she’s nearly about to fall asleep, she hears something that makes her sit up, frowning. 

Did she dream that, or was someone knocking at her door?

Sure enough, a second later another soft rap comes, and Alex throws back the blankets as she gets up, quickly walking to the door and opening it

Maggie is standing on the other side. 

“Hey,” Alex says, voice quiet. “Is everything okay?”

“I uh — I can’t sleep again, and I just thought…” She glances back at Alex’s dark room, obviously slept in bed and sighs. “I’m sorry, it’s the middle of the night. This is dumb, I’ll just —“ 

Alex catches her hand. “Stop that. Come on.” 

Maggie follows her into the room, still seemingly unsure. 

“Sorry if I woke you,” she says once Alex closes the door behind her.

Alex shakes her head as she turns on the lamp. “You’re not the only one who couldn’t sleep.” 

Maggie leans back against the door. “It’s kind of weird, being in Kara’s room. I haven’t really spent much time in there.”  

Alex sits on the bed, trying not to feel hurt when Maggie hesitates to follow her. “You okay?” 

Maggie sighs. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking a lot about what this would feel like,” she says. “When my dad died, when I’d talk to my mom again — but it just… I don’t feel _anything_.” 

Alex nods. “I think that’s normal, actually. When we feel to much, our brains just kind of shut it all down. It’s like a defense mechanism.” 

Maggie chews on this for a moment. “But I _wanted_ to feel something. I wanted to be able to yell at her, or, I don’t know, cry and make her feel bad for hurting her only kid — but I just stood there _._ I just… talked to her.” 

“You could always try again,” Alex points out. “If you wanted.” 

Maggie is silent for a moment. She crosses the room to sit next to Alex on the edge of the bed. She folds her hands as she thinks, and Alex lets her take her time. 

“The funeral is this weekend. It’s here. He, uh — apparently wasn’t well enough to make any friends in Metropolis.” 

“Do you want to go?” 

Maggie shakes her head. “No. My mom asked me not to.” 

Alex frowns. “Can she really do that?” 

“I guess,” Maggie says, shrugging. “It’s not like I wanted to be there, anyway. Maybe…. maybe we could go after?” 

“If you want,” Alex says. 

Maggie sighs, leaning back onto the pillow. “I don’t really know what I want.” 

Alex lays down too. “You don’t have to, you know. It’s okay to not know.” 

“Yeah,” Maggie agrees quietly. “Do you think we can try to get some sleep? I’m pretty tired.” 

“Of course,” Alex says, nodding. She reaches down to pull the blanket over them, then turns to get the light. “Goodnight.” 

Alex tries to calm her beating heart. She’s not sure why she’s nervous. It’s not like they haven’t shared the twin-size bed more times than Alex can count. But it was different, then. She didn’t know how she felt. And how many times has she thought of being back here, since? How often has she wished over the years that she wouldn’t have been such an idiot, that she would have realized how meaningful all those hours she spent with Maggie here were? 

Her thoughts drift, her memory rewinding, flashes of all the times they’d spent together in this room, curled up in this bed running through her mind. 

She remembers waking up alone after Maggie would sneak back home in the early hours of the morning. Then there was that first night, when she’d showed up at Alex's window crying after her father had torn into her. And the night Maggie’d come there crying for a different reason; she was afraid of losing Alex. That was the first night Alex had called her her best friend. 

She thinks of the first night they’d spent together, when Maggie asked her if she believed in soulmates. 

She knows if she could go back now, she would say yes.

“I can practically hear you thinking,” Maggie says, startling Alex. Alex tries not to jump — she thought Maggie had fallen asleep at least ten minutes ago — but isn’t successful, judging by Maggie’s laugh. “Sorry.” 

“It’s cool,” Alex says. “Uh — yeah, I guess I still can’t sleep.”

“Is that my fault?” 

Alex shakes her head — it’s her own fault, after all. “No.” 

“Okay,” Maggie says, but she doesn’t seem convinced. “Do you want to like, talk about it?”

“I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about,” Alex says, then sighs. “I haven’t really been home in a while,” she admits. 

“Oh, Yeah, you mentioned that earlier.” A heavy pause. “Hey, um, so that reminds me— does your mom know?” Maggie asks. “About… about us?” 

“No,” Alex answers a little too quickly. 

Maggie doesn’t say anything right away, and she’s afraid she’s hurt her feelings. 

_Nice going, Alex._

“I mean, she doesn’t know about _me_ yet,” Alex corrects herself. 

“Oh,” Maggie says, and Alex can practically hear her frown. “Mind telling me why?”

“Would you buy that I just haven’t had the time?”

“Not really.” 

“Didn’t think so.” Alex sighs. “I don’t know. I’m scared, I guess.”

“Because of what happened with me and my parents?”

Alex is silent as she thinks. It’s not that, not really. Her mother won’t react like _that,_ she’s sure of it. Hell, she’d be surprised if Kara hasn’t slipped up sometime and mentioned one of Alex’s exes to her. Just the idea of having that serious of a conversation with her mother makes her nervous. 

She hasn’t really talked to her about anything since… well, since her dad died. 

“I’m going to take that as a yes,” Maggie says. “Look, Alex, the last thing I would want is for anyone to know my story and feel… discouraged. Yeah, what happened to me sucked, but it was really my dad who sucked. Your mom… she’s not like that.”

Alex is surprised to hear Maggie talk so openly about her father so soon after his death. It had taken her months to be able to talk about her dad casually, but that was an entirely different relationship. “I know,” Alex says. “And that’s not it. Not really. It’s just an excuse.” 

“Okay,” Maggie says. “Well, why do you think you’re making it?”

“I don’t know,” Alex says, squeezing her eyes shut. “My mom and I, we haven’t really been close since… well, since my dad died.”

She hears Maggie’s breath hitch, and she realizes what she’s just said.

She turns on her side, hands finding Maggie’s under the sheets. “I’m sorry — we shouldn’t be talking about me right now.” 

Maggie takes a moment, then clears her throat. “No, it’s uh, it’s good. I like knowing what’s going on with you, Alex. I’m just sorry I can’t give better parental advice.” 

“Honestly, it feels better just to talk say it out loud,” Alex says quietly. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” Maggie says. “You know, it will feel better if you say it out loud to her, right?” 

Alex fakes a yawn. “I think that’s enough parental advice for tonight.” 

Maggie snorts. “Fine. Just — think about it. Your mom loves you.” 

“I know,” Alex says. 

They sit in silence for a few minutes, and Alex is almost lulled to sleep by the evenness of Maggie’s breathing when Maggie speaks. 

“Alex?” Maggie breathes, as if hoping Alex won’t be awake to hear it. 

“Yeah?” she answers, against her better judgement.

“When I said I wanted to come home — this is what I meant.”

Alex opens her eyes, finding Maggie’s quickly. She’s happy her sight has adjusted enough to make out her face, only inches from Alex’s.

Her breath catches in her chest. No one has ever looked at her the way Maggie does, the warmth in her eyes enough to melt her from the inside out. She can’t stop herself from closing the distance and kissing her.

Maggie’s hands find Alex’s face immediately, pulling her closer as her body presses into Alex’s. Her hands cup her cheeks, and the kiss is tender, too soft, and it makes Alex unsteady. She’s overwhelmed by the rush of emotions, and she has to pull away after just a second to catch her breath. 

Maggie’s thumb drops onto her mouth when she does, and when Alex opens her Maggie’s eyes are focused there. She feels her lip tremble against the pressure as she tries to pull in a breath. Maggie leans back in slowly as her thumb slides away, until she’s pressing her mouth gently against the spot it just occupied with a lingering kiss. When she pulls away, she moves only just enough to rest her head on the pillow, her nose still brushing gently against Alex’s. 

“Goodnight,” Maggie whispers.

Alex can feel the ghost of her breath against her lips, and smiles. “Night.” 

//

Alex _still_ can’t sleep, and it’s not for lack of trying. 

Usually she has no problem falling asleep once Maggie has curled into her side, the steady rise and fall of her breaths enough to lull her to sleep. She had been so close to drifting off earlier, until Maggie arrived and gave her so much more to think about. Not that she’s mad Maggie is here — she’d probably rather spend a night awake next to Maggie than asleep by herself. 

It’s past midnight when Alex decides she can’t just lay there anymore. She needs to move, to do something to get these thoughts out of her head. She detangles herself from Maggie, trying her best not to wake her as she slips out of bed. 

She walks into the bathroom to splash some water on her face — it sometimes helps, when she’s feeling particularly anxious. She decides a glass of water might help her, and makes her way down the hall into the kitchen.

The light being on should have been her first clue, but Alex doesn’t notice that Eliza is sitting at the counter until she’s halfway to the fridge. 

“Oh,” Alex says, hand jumping up to her chest in shock. “Sorry. I didn’t think you’d be up.”

Eliza turns at the noise, smiling when she sees it’s Alex. 

“Hey, sweetheart,” her mother says. “Can’t sleep?”

“No,” Alex says. She glances back down the hall. “Maggie is though.”

“Good,” Eliza says. Alex approaches her, sitting at the island across from her. “How is she holding up?”

Alex shrugs. “Better than can be expected. She’s uh — she’s strong. She’s been through a lot.” 

“It’s good to see the two of you together again. You were so close in high school.” She perks up. “Oh! Wait here.”

She leaves Alex standing in the kitchen for a minute while she goes to retrieve something from the living room. She returns with a large blue binder that thuds loudly as she drops it on the counter. 

“I was doing some cleaning the other day when I found this.” 

The pages crinkle as she opens the binder, the plastic sheets that protect the photos sticking together until they finally separate, opening to a page of Kara and Alex in some high school band performance. 

“Oh, god,” Alex says, covering her face. Why had she ever thought that haircut was a good idea? 

“Stop it, you’re beautiful,” Eliza comments as she continues to flip to the page. “Ah, here we go.” 

The first photo on the page is Kara and Alex, arms around each other’s waists as they pose in front of their house in their prom dresses. It’s followed by a photo of James and Kara, and photo of the group. Alex frowns, she was hoping her mom would have some pictures of Maggie in here too, but maybe she’d gotten rid of them after their whole falling out. 

Then her mother turns the page.

The photo is only a little aged, preserved by the pages photo album. It sticks to them as Eliza pulls it out, offering the four by six to Alex. Alex’s eyes are shining in the picture as she looks at Maggie, a soft smile on her lips as she presses a kiss to Maggie’s hand. 

She can remember it like it was yesterday. Maggie got out of that car with James and suddenly she was the only person Alex could see for the rest of the night. She looked so beautiful.

God, if only she hadn’t been so stupid. If she had just recognized her feelings _then,_ maybe they’d be happy and together by now. 

“You two were always so cute,” Eliza says.

Alex blinks hard against the tears forming in her eyes and tries to push her thoughts into the back of her head. This is supposed to be a nice moment, reminiscing with her mother. 

“Uh — yeah, we were really… close.” 

She chances a look up at her mom, whose eyes are surprisingly sad as she looks at the picture. 

“I was really glad you didn’t end up going with that Tommy boy. He was so…”

“Dumb?” Alex offers.

“That’s mean, Alex,” her mom chides, but her smile makes it seem disingenuous. “You know… I was kind of always hoping you guys would find your way back together.”

Alex freezes. There’s that word again — _together._

Does her mom… know? 

“With uh, with Tommy?” Alex asks. 

But Eliza just looks back at the photo, sighing. “No, sweetheart. You and Maggie were just…” She reaches out and squeezes Alex’s hand. “Well, it’s just good to see you with someone who makes you happy again.” 

Alex flattens her lips into a thin line. If she doesn’t _know_ , now would probably be a good time to tell her, right?

But she can’t bring herself to say the words, instead returning to looking at the photo. She’d been so happy those few short months in high school, before she’d messed everything up and ruined any chance she’d had of a happy life with Maggie. It’s too late, now. She broke Maggie’s heart and she can’t take that back. How can she ask her to stay in National City after graduation when all she has to offer her is… 

_Love._

The word terrifies her, but it’s all she can think of when she looks at the two of them, young and so happy together. She’d all but shut down that part of herself after Maggie kissed her. And if she’s being honest with herself, she’s always been in love with Maggie. How could she not be, when she’d never given herself the chance to get over her? When Maggie had just walked back into her life and settled right in?

But how can she tell Maggie that she loves her, when all she’s ever done is hurt her? They’d had their chance to be in love, and she’d thrown it away. 

 _Being in love with Maggie again is not an option,_ she thinks. 

She knows, deep down, that it’s too late. 

She doesn’t realize she’s crying until Eliza runs a finger down her cheek, brushing away a tear. 

“Oh, Alex,” she says. “Why is it so hard for you to talk to me?” 

Alex sniffs, trying to collect herself. “I'm sorry. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just... it's so much to explain.”

Eliza nods. “Okay. Well, why don't you start at the beginning? Tell me about Maggie.”

Well, her mother knows, that much is clear. _At least that’s out of the way,_ she thinks. 

Still, it doesn’t make saying it out loud any easier.

“I, uh... I was in love with her,” Alex admits after a few seconds, and with it a tear rolls down her cheek that she's quick to swipe away. She chances a glance up at Eliza, but her expression remains unchanged, a soft, patient smile on her face. She keeps going. “I was from basically the moment I met her. But... I wasn't ready to be, I guess. That's why we stopped talking after senior year — I broke her heart.”

Admitting it out loud does nothing to assuage her guilt. If anything, it makes her feel worse. Eliza’s lack of reaction doesn’t help either. Alex knows she should have done this years ago, but she was a coward.  Why was Maggie, who knew exactly what she was risking with her parents, brave enough to love Alex, when she was too scared to love her back? 

“How about now?” Eliza asks. 

Alex fidgets, an unhappy laugh forcing its way out of her. “Now? We're friends. I mean, we're uh, a little more than that, but,” she says, her ears tinging pink from having to say those words to her mother. “I think we're kind of... stuck in the middle.”

“Ah, well, believe it or not, I know a thing or two about that,” Eliza says. “But, how do you _feel_ about her now, sweetheart?”

Alex's lip trembles — she can't bring herself to say those words, to speak it into existence. Not tonight. Not here. 

“It doesn't matter. She stuck around for me after high school and I'm sure she regrets how that turned out. I'm not sure how she even forgave me. And now she wants to leave after graduation — who am I to stop her again?”

Eliza thinks for a moment. “Well, have you asked her? Not to stay, I mean — if she regrets it? Because Alex, darling, I love you with all my heart, but we both know you can be a little hard on yourself. Maybe Maggie isn't the only one who needed to forgive you.”

Alex's tears are coming faster than she can wipe them away, now, so she stops trying, instead just leaning her chin against her hand and staring at the table. This isn’t the way she expected this conversation to go. Her mother had just glossed over the fact that she’s gay — as if she’s known it all along. Her mind is spinning trying to catch up. 

Eliza squeezes her hand. “Honey, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no good ever comes of keeping this stuff to yourself. You'll never really know what Maggie is thinking unless you ask her. It's terrifying, and you may not like the answers, but you need to talk to her.”

“I just don’t want to ruin the time that we have left,” Alex admits quietly. “What if she doesn’t want to spend the next few months with me, knowing that I want something more?” 

“What if you could have something more, but would never know it because you never asked? Life is full of ‘what-ifs,’ Alex.” 

“It wouldn’t matter either way,” Alex says with a shrug. “I mean, it is what it is. Whether she regretted it the first time or not,  Maggie doesn’t want to stay in National City now, and it’s not like I can follow her to wherever she ends up. I just have to enjoy these next few months, and I guess I’ll just cross that bridge when I get to it.” 

Eliza shakes her head. “I don’t think that will work.” 

“Why not?”

“Because, Alex, your love is beautiful, and radiant, and something to be _proud_ of. And you shouldn't hide it from anyone, especially not Maggie. I'm not even sure that you can.”

//

Maggie doesn’t wake when Alex slips back into bed. She must be exhausted — it’s been a long few days. 

Alex’s eyes are tired now from the stinging tears at least, so she might have better luck falling asleep this time, though her thoughts are racing now more than ever.

She’s in love with Maggie. She let herself fall in love with Maggie, when Maggie had specifically warned her against it. 

And now she has to tell her. 

//

If Alex dreams, she doesn’t remember any of it when she wakes Saturday morning. As soon as she opens her eyes, all that she’s aware of is Maggie, wrapped in her arms. Her left hand has fallen asleep at some point during the night, trapped under Maggie’s head, but she’s in no rush to move. Not with Maggie laying in front of her, sleeping peacefully. 

It’s not until a few minutes later, when Maggie stirs, that Alex decides to move. She doesn’t want to be caught staring, after all. She’s glad she did when just a second later, Maggie’s eyes blink open. 

“Hey,” she says, noticing Alex is awake. She rubs at her eyes. “What time is it?”

Alex shrugs. “No idea.” She pauses, smiling. “It’s kind of nice, isn’t it?” 

“Mhm,” Maggie says. She sits up suddenly on her elbows. “You smell that?” 

Alex nods, smiling. “It’s the weekend — that means pancakes.” 

Maggie’s eyes widen. “Oh my god, how could I forget?” 

Alex sits up, reaching out her hand. “Come on.” 

Maggie grins as she takes it, and Alex is happy she’s been able to improve Maggie’s mood somewhat, despite the circumstances. Maggie stops her before they reach the door, standing on her toes to press a kiss to her mouth. It isn’t much — they both just woke up, after all — but it’s reminiscent of last night, and it gets her thinking again. 

 _God_ does she love Maggie. 

She keeps her eyes closed for a second after Maggie pulls away, until she feels Maggie tugging at her hand. “C’mon Danvers, I’m hungry.” 

Alex isn’t one to deny Maggie anything she wants, so she shakes off her daze and opens the door. 

Eliza is standing out in the hall. 

“Oh,” Alex says, surprised by her mother for the second time in the past twelve hours. Maggie drops her hand, and Alex realizes Maggie doesn’t know she came out to her mother last night. She doesn’t have to hide. She smiles. “Morning, mom.” 

“Good morning, girls,” Eliza says. “You’re just in time — I just took the first batch off the griddle.” 

“They smell delicious,” Maggie pipes up from behind Alex. 

Eliza heads back into the kitchen, and they linger outside Alex’s door. 

“Sorry,” Maggie whispers once Eliza is out of earshot. “Are you… was that okay?” 

Alex nods quickly. “Yeah — I, uh, I actually got up last night after you went to sleep and I ran into her. We…. we talked.” 

“Oh,” Maggie says, eyebrows raised. “About, uh — “ 

“Yep,” Alex says, reaching for Maggie’s hand and forcing a smile onto her face. “She knows. Come on.” 

//

Breakfast is delicious, as always. Maggie doesn’t put butter on her pancakes, but it’s not the weirdest food-related thing about her, so Alex decides to let it slide. 

“What’s on your agenda for the day?” Eliza asks while they’re cleaning up. 

“I don’t know,” Alex says with a shrug. Maggie had mentioned her dad’s funeral being today, but she knows she doesn’t want to go to that. But she’s probably going to have to do _something_ to distract her. 

“I was thinking we could go for a drive?” Maggie suggests. “I haven’t been in Midvale in a few years, and aside from my house I haven’t seen what’s different.”

“That sounds fun,” Eliza says. 

Alex thinks so too, so they go to their separate rooms to get dressed after they’re done and meet back out in the hall. 

“Any destination in particular?” Alex asks as they make their way to the car. 

“We can just drive for a bit,” Maggie says. “If that’s cool?”

“Of course.” 

She drives automatically to the high school, and Maggie rolls down her window as they drive past the football fields. It’s not too cold out, so Alex doesn’t complain when she decides to keep it down. They drive down Main Street — though most of the stores have closed — and stop in Maggie’s favorite cafe for a coffee.

Maggie insists on buying one for Alex  — “it’s the least I can do, Danvers,” — and they decide to drive to a park to enjoy them. 

The closest one is back near Maggie’s house. It’s park is empty and small, but it has a walking path, picnic tables, and a swing-set. They don’t opt for any of those, though, choosing instead to sit on a small hill that’s been warmed by the sun. 

“I used to stop here on my way home from your place sometimes — to think, you know?” Maggie says after a few minutes. “It was always really late, and no one was around. Actually, that’s kind of dangerous now that I think about it.”

“Yeah, it is,” Alex says, laughing. “But everyone needs a place.” 

They lay back in the grass, and Alex closes her eyes. 

She knows she needs to talk to Maggie, but not now — not when she’s still dealing with everything with her parents. It wouldn’t be fair to her. It has nothing to do with the fact that Alex is scared. 

She thinks if there’s one thing worth facing her fears for, it has to be Maggie. 

Maggie interrupts her thoughts. “So, uh, I was doing some research, and… did you know National City Police Department is the highest paid in the state?” Maggie asks, words rushing out of her mouth all at once. 

It takes Alex a second to piece them all together. When she does, her mouth drops open uselessly, turning to face Maggie.

“What?” 

“Yeah — and they just finished their new police academy. All new apartments, classrooms, training facilities…” 

“Maggie,” Alex starts, looking over at her. “Are you… are you thinking of staying? In National City?” 

Maggie holds her gaze. “Would that be okay?” 

Her chest tightens uncomfortably at Maggie’s vulnerable tone. Of course it’s okay with her, but…

“I just — I don’t want you to feel like… I don’t know, like I’m keeping you here or something. Haven’t you always wanted to get out of this place?”

Maggie thinks for a moment, then shakes her head. “I wouldn’t be staying for you, Alex. It’d be for me. I feel like, for the first time in a while, things are going right for me. And yeah, you’re a part of that, but… maybe I’m a lot less ready to leave behind this part of my life than I thought I was.” 

Maggie reaches out for her hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“And besides — NCPD just created this really interesting science division. It’s all cutting edge stuff, and it sounds like it’d be really cool to be a part of. There’s nothing else like it around.” 

Maggie’s enthusiasm is reassuring. Alex manages a small smile. “And I thought _I_ was supposed to be the nerd.” 

“Shut up,” Maggie says, looking back up towards the sky as she grins. 

A strong wind passes over them, and Alex shivers. Maggie must notice, because she scoots over until they’re laying side-by-side.

“That does sound really awesome,” Alex says after a moment. “The science thing.”

“Yeah, well, that’d be a long way away, and I’d have to get in to the department first. And that’s no guarantee — I still have to take this long test, and pass a physical. It’s supposed to be really hard.” 

“You’ll kick it’s ass. You do all that yoga, and that shit isn’t easy,” Alex says. “And I can help you study, if you want. Not that you need it.” 

“No, that’d be great. I mostly have to just take practice tests — it’s basically reading comprehension, critical thinking, that sort of thing.” 

“Cool,” Alex says, nodding, but her thoughts are already racing elsewhere.

If Maggie’s staying, what does that mean? She’d said she didn’t want Alex to get hurt because she would be leaving in a few months. That was only a few weeks ago — had she really changed her mind? And if she’s staying, does that mean that maybe they could… 

Maggie nudges her shoulder. “Hey,” she says. “You’re thinking too loudly again.” 

“Sorry,” Alex says. She pulls her lips together as she tries to come up with at least one thought she can speak out loud. “I guess I just hadn’t even considered that you might want to stay.” 

Maggie blinks, like that isn’t what she was expecting Alex to say, then smiles. “So you’re okay with it?” 

Alex smiles back. “More than okay.” 

“Good,” Maggie says, looking back towards the blue sky. She reaches for Alex’s hand and Alex squeezes back readily; it grounds her. She knows she’ll have to tell Maggie she’s in love with her.

She’s just going to wait to do it until she knows Maggie is here to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a lot to write. Sorry if it's a heavy read! If you want to talk to me I'm on Twitter @aka_patsywalker :) 
> 
> The response to this story has made me so happy. Thank you to everyone who has left a comment or reached out. 
> 
> Only three more to go!


	19. take what you want from me

Kara is happy to see Alex when she gets home Sunday morning.

She jumps up from the couch, bounding towards Alex for a hug before the door even closes.

"I missed you," Kara says, squeezing her sister around the shoulders. "It's weird being here without you — and not just a few minutes away at Maggie’s or something, I mean."

"It was weirder being back home without you, trust me," Alex says, pulling away.

"How is Maggie?"

Alex shrugs. "A bit better, I think."

They'd left Midvale early that morning, before Eliza had woken up (they said their goodbyes the night before). Maggie was allowed more time away from her RA duties, but Alex has to be back in class on Monday. Maggie’s suggested they leave early to beat the traffic.

She heads towards the kitchen. "Do we have anything to eat? I'm starving."

They hadn't bothered to have breakfast, neither particularly hungry that early in the morning, settling for coffee instead.

Kara blocks her path.

"Why don't we go out?" she suggests with a sly smile.

Alex gives her a knowing look. "Forgot to go shopping?"

Kara nods, glancing back at the kitchen. "So unless you want leftover potstickers..."

Alex blinks. "You have _leftover potstickers?_ Wow, this weekend alone really _did_ change you."

"Well, I got them with every meal. A dozen each day. Thirty-six potstickers, Alex," she says, shaking her head. "By day three I only ate like, half the order."

"Unbelievable," Alex says, laughing. She thinks sitting down with Kara might be nice — she does have a lot to tell her. "Want to go to the diner?"

Kara beams. "Yes, please!"

//

The diner is a place Kara found in her freshman year after her first real college party — she called Alex from there asking to be picked up, and she had to drive as slow as legally possible on the ride home because Kara had eaten _way_ too many pancakes.

They came back the next morning to look for Kara's drunkenly forgotten wallet. Kara insisted Alex try the short-stack (though she had sworn them off herself, which she quickly gave up on as soon as Alex didn't finish her plate), and the rest is history.

"Good morning girls," a woman in a apron greets them after they've been seated.

"Hello, Michelle," Kara says sunnily. "How's your Sunday morning?"

"Better now, sweetheart," Michelle replies, and Kara smiles.

She has a motherly quality that Kara had latched onto immediately, and the two became fast friends after that first morning Kara showed up slightly hungover and asked for a half-cocoa, half coffee.

"Can I start you with the usual?" Michele asks.

"Yes, please," Alex responds.

"You got it."

She walks away to fix their beverages — Kara's concoction and Alex's coffee, black — while Alex looks at the menu. She tries to get a different omelette every time she comes, which is pretty easy with their specials menu.

“Ooh — have you tried the cream cheese and scallions one?” Kara suggests, her own menu in front of her, always ready with suggestions for what Alex should order. She knows what she’s going to order, after all.

"Yeah — it’s... very scallion-y,” Alex says. “Oh, how about the lox one?”

"Fish with your eggs? Really?” Kara scrunches her nose.

“What’s wrong with that?”

“It’s just so...” Kara sticks out her tongue. “Blegh. What about this broccoli cheddar one?”

“That sounds like a soup.”

“It comes with bacon?”

“Hm,” Alex considers it. “Tempting.”

Kara has swayed her by the time Michelle returns — anything to keep Alex from ordering something she doesn’t want to pick through after Alex is done.

“Good choice,” Michelle tells her after she takes her order.

Kara takes a long sip of her drink after Michelle leaves, regarding Alex over the lip of her mug.

"So..." she says, after she puts it back down. "How was your weekend?"

"It was nice," Alex says. She shrugs. "I came out to mom."

"You _what?"_ Kara says, sitting up straight. "Oh my god, thats great! I mean, how'd she take it?"

"Good — I mean, she's mom," Alex says. "But it was actually better than I expected.”

"Did you tell her _everything?"_ Kara asks, and Alex knows she's wondering about Maggie.

"I told her... I told her that I was in love with Maggie in high school. And that we're kind of together now, but it's complicated. She actually gave me some really good advice."

"Oh?" Kara raises her eyebrows.

Alex stirs her coffee. "She said you can't hide love. And I, uh — I think she's right."

"Wait. You love Maggie? Like, currently?" Kara practically squeals. "Oh my god, Alex!"

"Shh," Alex says. "I mean, yeah, I — I do."

She can't help the slight smile tugging at the corners of her lips at saying it out loud.

"Are you going to tell her?"

"I think so," Alex nods. "I mean, like mom said, I can't exactly hide it. She's going to catch on eventually. I just want to make sure I know she's going to be staying in National City. I don't think I could profess my love only to have her move across the country."

Kara frowns. "Has she mentioned wanting to stay?"

"Oh!" Alex says. "I forgot, you don't know. She's thinking about joining the National City Police Department. She's going to try, anyway. The testing is like, hard or whatever, but I told her we'd go running together and I'd maybe tag along to a few more yoga classes, and she's going to study while I work on our project for class and..." she pauses, taking a much-needed breath. "I just... I really hope she gets in."

Kara takes her hand. "Me too. And if she does?"

"Then... I'm going to tell her. All of it."

Even the thought leaves her somewhat breathless.

"Wow," Kara says. "I have to say, I'm kind of proud."

Alex scrunches her nose. "Only kind of?"

"No, really," Kara says. "We should plan what you're going to say. It should be romantic, but not like, too over the top, you know?

"Please, I'll be lucky if I can even manage to get the words out," Alex says.

Michelle arrives with their food, and the conversation dies off as Kara digs into her pancakes. But it has Alex thinking; how exactly is she going to do this?

She can't just come out and tell Maggie she loves her. Maybe she could ask her on a date, make it sound casual, and not actually confess anything about her actual feelings. Build it slow. She knows that won't work — she needs to be honest with Maggie if they have any chance at making this real.

"Hey," Kara says, interrupting her from her thoughts. "You're going to be great. She'd be crazy to turn you down."

"She wouldn't be," Alex points out. "But I hope she doesn't." //

“Danvers, I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Maggie says, voice grave. She leans forward, her hands on her knees as she gasps for breath. "You’ll have to go on with out me."

Alex laughs. “Drama will get you nowhere,” she says, jogging in place next to Maggie until the light turns green. “Come on! Unless you _want_ to fail.”

Maggie groans before trailing behind Alex. They’re almost done with their run, anyway, and within five minutes the park where Maggie’s car awaits them is in sight.

Alex puts on one last burst of speed until they reach it, grinning when she turns around to see that Maggie is no where near her.

She claps as Maggie approaches, laughing when Maggie collapses dramatically on the grass. "Jesus Christ, I can't feel my feet."

Alex stands over her. "It's great, right?"

"No."

Alex snorts. She had expected Maggie to be in much better shape (and a much better sport).

"It was only two miles."

"Two?! Shouldn't we have started with like, one?"

"Well, if I had known you were so out of shape..."

"Shut up. It's not fair, your legs are a lot longer," Maggie says from the ground. "I mean... not that I have short legs, just — ugh."

Alex laughs. "Ah, yes, the rare self-burn."

Maggie sits up on her elbows. "Seriously, though, how are you not dying?"

"I used to run a lot with my dad. I haven't in years, but... well, half of it is mental, anyway," Alex says. "That, and breathing."

"Breathing? Really? That's your expert advice: to think and breathe?"

Alex rolls her eyes as she offers Maggie a hand up. "You have so much to learn, Sawyer."

//

It turns out, Maggie is pretty good at breathing, what with all the yoga and all. She starts actually keeping up with Alex after a week or two, despite her tiny legs (which Alex teased her about mercilessly until Maggie started actually outpacing her).

Studying is a different story. It also turns out taking the police exam at the same time as finishing your last semester of college is difficult.

“Should you be drinking another one of those?” Alex asks as Maggie cracks open her second can of energy drink in the hour or so she’s been at Alex’s apartment.

"I didn't sleep very well last night," Maggie says. Alex had slept at her own place, not wanting to miss her weekly sister night with Kara they'd started having ever since Alex had gotten so... busy.

"You can stay here, if you want," Alex offers. She always sleeps better when Maggie's here — maybe the same is true for her. Still, she doesn't like the implication. "That way you wouldn't have to drive home later."

Maggie is laying on Alex's bed, her hair framing her face as she props herself up on one hand on the bed. Alex's heart flutters a little when she smiles, and she scolds herself, remembering her mother's words. She needs to hide this for just a little bit longer, and that involves not making a fool of herself in front of Maggie.

"That would be great, actually," Maggie says, and Alex's anxiety quiets a little.

She returns to her work, skimming through the books they'd borrowed earlier from the library to use in their presentation and taking a few notes as she goes. She can't find the one quote she's looking for — something about an increased police presence actually making people feel less safe, because they thought it was a high-crime area. If only she could remember what book she'd read that in.

"Hey, Maggie, could you hand me that —" she stops herself when she looks up, happy she hadn't spoken too loudly. Maggie is asleep, her face smushed adorably against her hand as she somehow maintains her balance.

"Never mind," she whispers, smiling.

Studying will have to wait another night.

//

The month before the test passes quickly. They spend every day together — Maggie even manages to drag Alex to yoga once a week. They trade off, spending a night at Alex's then the next at Maggie's so she doesn't get in trouble for staying away from her residents for too long.

They end up spending a lot of time with Kara, who is working on her thesis for her English major, and has plenty of studying to do on her own. She's trying to graduate a semester early, and though Alex teases her for being an over-achiever, she's actually pretty proud that she's seeing it through.

It's not easy, trying to hide her love from Maggie. The fear helps.

But there are still times when she catches herself almost admitting it accidentally, having to change her sentence halfway through in ways that probably barely make sense. Kara smirks each time it happens, and Alex shoots daggers towards her with her eyes. Maggie is smart — she'll figure it out eventually, if Alex doesn't spill first.

//

Things are a little tense on the day of the exam. Maggie wakes up early — Alex doesn't know when, because she wakes up hours later to find Maggie in her kitchen, fully dressed and pouring over her practice tests.

"They say cramming isn't good for you, but it works for me," Maggie says with a shrug when Alex asks what she's doing.

Alex makes them breakfast — she's gotten pretty decent at eggs, with Maggie's help over the past month. And she knows how Maggie likes her toast (much darker than Alex likes hers, of course).

Maggie barely looks up when she puts the plate in front of her.

"Hey," Alex says after a minute passes. "You need to eat."

Maggie sighs, putting down the piece of paper she'd been holding up to her face. "Sorry. Thank you for this." She takes a bite, raising her eyebrows. "It's actually pretty good."

"Grilled cheese and scrambled eggs. I'm practically a chef, thanks to you, Maggie Sawyer."

They spread out on the couch afterwards, Alex insisting Maggie take a break for at least an hour before the test to give her poor brain some rest. They pick some cartoon to watch a few episodes of to keep her mind off of it.

"I guess I have to get going," Maggie says, standing after the third episode ends. She doesn’t move to leave though, instead standing with her arms crossed as she looks at her things, still spread across the coffee table.

"You nervous?" Alex asks.

Maggie nods, mouth set in a firm line.

"Hey," Alex says, touching her shoulder to grab her attention. "You're going to ace this, Sawyer. You've taken like, every practice test there is."

Maggie nods again, but the frown remains. “I know, but still... the next test isn’t for another few months. What if I don’t pass?”

“Don’t think like that,” Alex says.

Maggie sighs. “You know, I try not to, but my brain has a mind of its own.”

"Do you want me to drive you?” Alex offers. It’s not that far, and she'll feel better if she can be there for Maggie. “I can try to keep you distracted.”

"No, no, you don't have to do that," Maggie shakes her head, but the concerned look on her face remains.

"I don't mind — I can bring a book. Besides, I'll pretty much just be sitting here, worrying about you anyway," Alex says. She should probably be embarrassed by that admission, she thinks, but at this point Maggie probably knows that she's all Alex thinks about, anyway.

Maggie looks at her, a faint smile forming on her lips. "You're kind of a softie, you know that, right?"

"You love it," Alex retorts without thinking, acutely aware of how Maggie freezes as soon the words leave her mouth. It's the second thing she's let slip in less than thirty second — she really needs to work on her self-control.

Alex wonders if she should say something to make it less awkward — not that she knows exactly what that would be — but Maggie's shoulders relax after a second, smile returning.

"You know, I kind of do, actually," Maggie says, voice almost too quiet for Alex to hear. But she does, and Alex's heart just about stops. Maggie reached down to grab her bag. "Anyway, I'd appreciate a ride, if you really wouldn't mind waiting."

"Of course," Alex says. She grabs one of her textbooks for a class she has an upcoming final for, throwing it in her backpack before she follows Maggie out the door.

//

They arrive a with several minutes to spare, and Maggie doesn't move to get out of the car right away. Instead, she stares straight ahead, chewing on her lip.

"I can do this, right?" she asks after a minute has gone by. "I mean, I studied, I took the practice tests. I shouldn't be this nervous."

"It's okay to be nervous," Alex says, taking her hand. "You've worked really hard for this."

"It kind of feels like I'm about to decide my future," Maggie says, then looks at Alex. "No big deal, right?"

"Right." She gives Maggie her most encouraging smile. "You've got this."

"I'll see you on the other side," Maggie says. She leans in, pressing a quick kiss against Alex's lips before she exits the car.

Alex watches her until she disappears into the building.

The test takes nearly three hours, but Alex barely gets any studying done, getting distracted every few minutes by what Maggie had said about deciding her future. She knows she probably didn't mean with _Alex_ , but she sure heard it that way.

She jumps when Maggie knocks on the window. Alex hurries to unlock the car, trying to catch Maggie's eye as she sits down.

"How'd it go?" she asks.

"Okay. Maybe. I don't know," Maggie says, reaching for her seatbelt. Alex hopes she's just being modest — Maggie tends to undersell herself. She holds her breath, waiting a second while Maggie re-evaluates, then shrugs. "Actually, kind of good, I think?"

“Really?” Alex asks, voice hopeful.

Maggie breaks into a smile. "I really think I might've done okay. There weren't any questions I really had a hard time with. The grades won't be posted for one to two weeks, but... I feel pretty good."

Alex can't help it — she leans forward, throwing her arms around Maggie's shoulders. Maggie's arms loop around her back, squeezing her just as hard. It's a little awkward, and the car's center console is digging uncomfortably into her side, but she's not letting go.

"That's amazing," Alex says after a moment, face still tucked into Maggie's neck. "You're amazing."

She pulls back a little, but Maggie follows immediately, chasing her until their mouths connect. Her fingers thread through Alex's hair, splaying against the back of her neck. The kiss is deep, and a little intimate for a public parking lot, but Alex isn't complaining.

//

It's strange, knowing that in the next 'one to two weeks' she'll either have a chance to start a real thing with Maggie, or have to say goodbye to her. It's definitely affected how they act around each other.

For one, there's the lack of talking. They've substituted it with something else, and... again, Alex isn't complaining.

But maybe Kara is. Or at least she hints that she is, and that's enough for Alex to want to avoid _that_ conversation. She figures she can spend most of the week at Maggie's anyway, even if it means sleeping in her extra-long twin for multiple nights in a row. Her back may hate her, but it's worth it, especially if Maggie is leaving soon.

It's thoughts like these that keep entering her mind when she leasts expects it — that this might be it, that this might be all they get. She wishes she could bring herself to do something now, to say something. But she waits.

And the best way to avoid talking with Maggie tends to mean keeping her occupied in other ways.

“Alex,” Maggie breathes, her fingers clutching into the sheets as Alex moves against her.

Another way this week has been different — Maggie usually is the one in control in bed, but not these past few days, and not tonight. Tonight, she opens herself up to Alex, head pushing into the pillows as she arches her back, lip caught between her teeth. Alex shifts, changing the angle of her hand, and Maggie gasps, eyes squeezing shut.

Alex leans forward, kissing Maggie’s open mouth as she leans into her with her whole body. Maggie’s legs wrap around her waist as she continues to move, and she can feel Maggie moan against her lips as her hips work against Alex's hand.

After they’re done, Alex lays on top of her, head resting on Maggie’s chest as she plays with the hair curling against Alex's temple. She's not sure when she falls asleep, but she wakes up hours later, the lamp beside Maggie's bed now off, their bodies still tangled together.

It's a strange mix between distance and intimacy, and Alex isn't sure she likes it.

_Just one, maybe two weeks,_ she reminds herself. _And then no more hiding._

//

It turns out the results take exactly one week to be posted. It's the Saturday before the last week of classes, and they're spending it working on their project when Maggie sits up suddenly, gasping as she looks at her phone.

"I got an email — the results are up."

Alex sits up, watching as Maggie fumbles with her phone. Maggie frowns suddenly, and Alex's heart drops.

_Oh god. She didn't get in._

"Well," Alex asks. "What's it say?"

"It says I need to view it on a desktop."

Alex jumps up to grab the laptop off of her desk, handing it over to Maggie. Alex sits next to Maggie as she opens it, watching as she opens her email. Sure enough, the most recent message is from the testing agency.

"Oh god, I can't do it," Maggie says, staring at the screen.

"Want me to?" Alex offers.

Maggie nods, quickly handing the laptop over.

Her cursor hovers over the link, and Alex feels the sudden rush of anxiety Maggie had just been experiencing. She thinks back to Maggie's words before she took the test.

This could decide their future.

She can see it all at once. If Maggie stays, maybe Alex could somehow work up the courage to make this _real_... maybe they'd get an apartment together while Maggie works her way up through the ranks at the police department and Alex goes to graduate school. They could have weekly board game nights with Kara — maybe Eliza would even visit.

"Alex?" Maggie prompts, and Alex looks up.

Her mouth opens, and she's afraid all her thoughts are going to come pouring out at once.

"Sorry, I just — I just feel like..." she bites her lip, looking back towards the screen. She hesitates — would spilling her feelings out to Maggie really be so bad? It'd be courageous, that's for sure — to take a chance like that for them, to show Maggie that she's ready for this. She lets out a long breath. Maybe she can do this. "I just feel like should say something first."

Maggie tilts her head as she considers Alex, a small smile blooming on her lips. "Okay."

Alex's heart picks up at the sight of it. "Uh, you're just... I really —" she starts and stops, suddenly unsure. As much as she wants to be brave, she can't seem force the words out of her mouth.

She can't do this — not until she knows for sure. She has a plan, and she needs to stick to it.

"Sorry, just — I know you worked really hard for this, and I know you're going to make a fantastic police officer. So... good luck, I guess?"

Maggie's nose crinkles as she smiles. "Thanks, Danvers." She looks back at the laptop. "So?"

Alex nods, trying to fight the blush from coming over her cheeks. "Right."

The screen loads, and Maggie looks over Alex's shoulder.

"Okay so, there are no names — only ID numbers," Alex points out.

"108464," Maggie recites.

Alex scrolls, and as they approach Maggie's number she buries her face in Alex's shoulder. "I can't look. Just — just tell me."

Alex's eyes scan through until she finally lands on 108464, her eyes following the table until she reaches the last column and she breaks out into a large grin.

"Maggie, look _!"_

Maggie opens her eyes, finding her row in no time. "Oh my god."

"I know!"

"A 99?" She blinks. "They call almost everyone over a 95 first round, Alex."

"I _know!"_

Maggie looks back at the screen. "Holy shit." She breaks into a grin. "I'm going to be a NCPD officer."

Alex heart just about stops in her chest. "You're definitely going to do it?"

Maggie looks at her like she's grown another head. "I mean, of course. It's good pay, there's the whole science division..." She bites her lip. "And you said that's cool, right?"

Alex nods. Like she'd stop Maggie from taking an awesome opportunity like this, even if she wasn't in love with her.

"More than cool," she confirms.

Maggie grins. "Awesome."

"We should celebrate — I bet Kara would be down to go out."

It's not something she'd usually suggest, but this is worth it.

Maggie is staying in National City, and Alex is over the moon.

She'll think about what comes next tomorrow.

//

There's a bar near campus that Maggie loves, and Kara volunteers to drive so Alex and Maggie can 'have fun.'

"Let's get you guys some drinks," she says as soon as they enter, Maggie laughing as Kara grabs her hand to lead her to the bar. Alex trails behind a little, smiling.

This is a life she could get used to, she thinks.

Kara insists they order a round of shots before they get drinks — "it's the only alcohol I'll drink tonight, come on!" — and Alex tries not to get distracted at the sight of Maggie throwing hers back, though she's not entirely successful, a bit of alcohol dripping down her chin.

Maggie catches the droplet with her thumb before it falls, and Alex flushes — unsure of whether it's from Maggie's touch or the embarrassment.

She follows up with a rum and coke, and Kara and Alex laugh when Maggie gets a scotch on the rocks.

"Still can't believe you drink that stuff," Alex says, shaking her head.

"We're lucky it's the week before finals, otherwise this place would probably be packed," Kara says after they walk away with their drinks.

There's an empty pool table in the back, and Kara has a bit of a competitive streak, so she challenges them both to play.

"I don't know how to," Maggie admits.

"Well, watch and learn," Kara says, grabbing a pair of cues and handing one to Alex.

Alex tries to hide her grin — Kara's overconfident, and she hasn't played Alex in years, not since she lived in a hall on a campus that had a pool table in the basement. She and her friends would hang out down there at least once a week.

Kara catches on by Alex's second turn, when she clears her fifth ball.

"Hey," she says, pouting. "Not fair. When did you get so good?"

Alex shrugs. "Maybe I learned a thing or two at college, after all. Loser gets drinks," she reminds her, and Kara glares.

She does better on her next turn, almost catching up to Alex, and it stays close until the end. Maggie is watching with rapt attention, alternating who she's cheering for every few minutes. By the end, it's Alex, and she jumps up with excitement when Alex sinks the eight ball, giving her an enthusiastic high-five.

"You next?" Alex asks. "I could teach you."

"Oh, man," Maggie says, shaking her head. "Sounds like a recipe for disaster."

"What?!" Alex scoffs. "You just saw my skills."

"Could've been a fluke," Maggie points out. "Tell you what. You play me in darts, and I'll play you in billiards."

Alex isn't any good at darts, but she's pretty sure she can get through a game without impaling anyone. "Deal," she says, shaking Maggie's hand.

Kara arrives with another round of drinks for them, and a soda for herself.

As predicted, Maggie kicks her ass at darts, though Alex does manage to not cause any injuries. And by the time they get around to the next round of pool, she has another two drinks in her, courtesy of Maggie.

She misses her first shot, which Maggie laughs at until she tries to go herself. She doesn't even know how to use the cue.

"Here," Alex says, walking up behind her. She knows she wouldn't be so bold in public usually, but the alcohol... well, it helps. She wraps her arms around Maggie, happy that she has a slight height advantage so she can tuck her chin against her shoulder. "Hands like this... aim... and..."

Maggie thrusts the cue forward, making solid contact with the ball. It goes nowhere, bouncing uselessly against the side, but Alex is proud of her.

"I did it!" Maggie says, jumping on her toes. "Well, sort of. Baby steps."

"It's all you can manage with those little legs," Alex remarks, earning her an elbow in her side from Maggie and a loud laugh from Kara.

Alex tries to go easy on her, but it doesn't really work when Maggie can't sink a single ball, except for on her very last turn. Kara cheers as if she's just won, and Alex feels a little less guilty about beating her.

Maggie goes to get their drinks — the loser's duty, after all — and Kara mouths "you got this" at her as soon as Maggie's turned her back, complete with an exaggerated thumbs up.

//

They find a table at the back of the bar to take a break, since neither of them wants to play Alex in pool anymore.

"To Maggie," Kara toasts, raising her soda glass.

"To Maggie," Alex echos, clinking her glass against Kara's.

Maggie laughs, joining them before downing what little is left of her drink. She excuses herself to get another.

Alex is prepared for Kara to want to talk about her and Maggie, but her sister seems distracted, standing on her toes as she looks across the room.

"Oh! There's some girls from my English class over there. Would you mind if I go say hi?"

Alex shakes her head. "Of course not."

Maggie should be back any minute, anyway, judging by the line at the bar.

But when she looks closer after Kara leaves, she realizes that Maggie isn't among the people waiting on the bartender. She looks around, frowning when she doesn't see Maggie anywhere.

Alex starts to walk over just to be sure, but she catches sight of Maggie, leaning against the wall in the hall to the bathroom. Alex stops, a little too tipsy to not be struck by the sight of her.

She can't go over there — she knows that — but she can look, right?

But then Maggie looks up, as if she can feel Alex's gaze on her. Maggie's eyes light up when she sees Alex, and Alex can feel her feet start to move before she even has a chance to think about it. Maggie pushes off the wall, a slow smile spreading across her face as Alex approaches.

"Hey," Alex says, trying to think of a way to make herself seem less weird. "Is this the line for the —"

She doesn't get to finish her sentence.

Turns out, scotch tastes a lot better when it's on Maggie's lips.

Alex's knees go a little weak as Maggie's hands land on her hips, and Maggie guides her backwards to the wall. She's never done anything like this, not in public, but she can't find it in herself to care. The world around her melts and all she can focus on is Maggie's mouth on hers, the sting of alcohol on her tongue as she tangles her hands in Maggie's hair.

They fall apart after a minute, Alex leaning her head the wall as she tries to catch her breath. Maggie looks a little wrecked, lips swollen and hair mussed. Did she do that?

She smiles at Alex, and Alex can't help but let out a breathy laugh, knowing she probably looks just as worked up.

Maggie must be aware of how she appears, because she glances towards the bathroom, which is now apparently empty.

Whoops.

"I'll uh — I'll go freshen up." She flashes Alex a smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before she heads down the hall.

Alex takes a few seconds to even out her breathing, hoping she doesn't look quite as bad as Maggie. She's sure she would have said something though, right?

Alex finds Kara back at the bar.

"This isn't what I thought of when you said celebrating, but I have to admit, it's fun," Kara says. "You two are pretty adorable."

"Stop," Alex says, shaking her head. She doesn't need the reminder of how completely transparent she is, not when she's still flustered from their little encounter in the hallway.

"What?" Kara asks coyly. "You said you were going to tell her you — well, _you know what —_ after she passed the test, right?"

"Right," Alex says. "I didn't mean the same day, though."

"I'm just saying. No time like the present!"

Alex shakes her head, but can't stop the grin from spreading over her face at the reminder that Maggie is staying in National City. Still, there's a steady trickle of nerves flooding through her at the idea of telling Maggie how she feels.

She orders another drink from the bar, even though she probably doesn't need it at this point. But tonight is about celebrating, and having fun, and not worrying about what comes next.

"Oh, here she comes. I'm going to give the two of you some alone time," Kara says, winking a little too obviously at Alex before she walks away.

Maggie laughs. "What's that about?"

"Huh? Oh, Kara was just — she likes to tease me," Alex says, then realizes that that doesn't really make it any better. "She uh — she has some friends here."

"That's cool," Maggie says. "You're stuck with me though, Danvers. No running off to your other friends."

"I don't have any other —" Alex starts, then Maggie grins. " _Hey._ That's mean."

Maggie throws her head back as she laughs, her cheeks glowing slightly from the alcohol. Alex feels dizzy just looking at her.

Maggie tilts her head. "What?" she asks, a small smile on her lips.

"Nothing, just — god, you're pretty," Alex says, brain taking a minute to catch up with what her mind has just said. When it does, her eyes go wide.

Maggie's raises her eyebrows, then laughs. "You know, Danvers, you're kind of cute when you're drunk."

_You're cute all the time._

She's happy she managed to keep that thought inside, but she's pretty sure it's the last one she can contain, with Maggie looking at her like that.

She should leave, but she can't — not with Maggie holding her hand. When did that happen?

She's not sure where Kara's disappeared to at this point — she wishes she were here, so Alex would be able to stop herself from doing what she's probably about to do.

"I'm really proud of you," Alex says, too soft for the volume of the bar. But Maggie hears her somehow, smile soft as she scrunches her nose.

"Aw, thanks," she says. "I couldn't have done it without you. You've been... I don't know how to thank you, Alex."

"You don't have to," Alex says. She wonders if the blush on her face has been there this whole time — she does always get red when she drinks. "But we should, uh, celebrate sometime, you know?"

"We _are_ celebrating, Danvers," Maggie points out, but Alex shakes her head. That's not what she'd meant.

"No, I meant — us. We should celebrate. I was thinking... maybe I could take you to dinner?" The words leave her mouth in a rush, a little incomprehensible from the nerves and the alcohol.

It takes a second for Maggie to process what she's said. When she does, the look on her face is... not encouraging. She freezes, eyes wide, reminding Alex of a deer caught in headlights. "Oh, like, a — uh, like a date?"

Alex shakes her head, then nods. The alcohol has clouded more than just her judgement, apparently. "I mean, yeah, I guess. If you wanted it to be."

"Oh," Maggie says, brow furrowing slightly. "I, uh..."

Alex knows that her lack of answer isn't a good sign, that she should probably stop talking and making things worse. But everything she's planned to say in this moment comes bubbling up, and now that's she started she can't make the words stop. "I just thought — maybe since you're staying in National City, we could —"

"Guys!" Kara says, interrupting Alex with a loud shout. Her arms slings around Alex’s shoulder, pulling her close.

But Alex can’t stop staring at Maggie, at the stark fear on her face. She should’ve done this better — somewhere they could be alone, where they could talk. But she’d been stupid, and she’d been drinking (which is pretty much synonymous for stupid, in her case), and Maggie had kissed her in the hallway like Alex was her anchor to this world.

Kara is blissfully oblivious. “You guys want another round of shots?”

“Actually, Kara, I think I have to go,” Maggie says, taking a step back, face suddenly blank, no trace of the confusion on it from just seconds before.

Alex takes a step after her. “What?”

Maggie won’t hold her gaze. “Yeah — sorry, I just realized — I have to...” she trails off. “I can’t be here right now. I have to go.”

“Maggie, wait.” Alex’s voice cracks slightly, and Kara finally looks like she’s caught on to what’s happening here.

“I’m sorry, I have to — I’ll call you, okay?”

She offers Alex her best smile — a sad, shaking one that has Alex’s heart aching in her chest — before she leaves.

Kara stands in stunned silence for a few seconds. “Are you going to go after her?” she asks.

Alex shakes her head, though she does take a step forward. She needs to get out of here, but she needs to give Maggie time to get a Lyft or whatever. She leans against the wall, bringing her hands up to her face. She can feel Kara as she moves next to her, and sure enough, her sister's arm slides around her shoulder a second later.

She can't cry — not here, she's not going to be one of those drunk sobbing girls at a bar.

She manages to hold it together until the ride Kara called for gets there. Kara leads her by the hand outside. Alex tries to keep her eyes down, but she chances a look around a she sits in the back seat. She doesn't see Maggie.

//

Alex doesn't hear from Maggie on Sunday, and can't bring herself to text her. She spends the day working on their presentation, instead. There's a website where you can make it collaboratively, but she doesn't invite Maggie. She doesn't think she could handle seeing her online without trying to talk to her, and she doesn't trust herself to do that right now.

She waits until after class on Monday, when it feels like she'll be consumed by the need to talk to her, to know she hasn't completely ruined this.

She had plans, and she blew them.

_Hey,_ she writes out, frowning at the word on the screen. It feels wrong. She needs to send more than just 'hey.'

_Sorry about the other night._ She deletes that as soon as she's finished writing it.

_Can we talk?_ Definitely not an option, she thinks, backspacing.

_Want to work on our presentation?_ That one feels safe enough.

She puts down her phone and goes to the kitchen, determined not to stare at it until she gets a response. A coffee sounds good, if she's going to finish this presentation tonight. She hasn't exactly been sleeping well, lately.

Kara is sitting at the kitchen counter.

"Hey," she says, as soon as she sees Alex. "You okay?"

She's been in hyper-vigilant sister-mode ever since Alex broke down in the car the other night. It'd taken her until they got home to get Alex to tell her what had even happened, and even then Alex had been reluctant to tell her much except that she'd "fucked it all up."

"Yeah," Alex says. "Just needed some caffeine."

"Oh, I can get that for you," Kara offers, jumping up.

Alex resists the urge to tell Kara that she's heartbroken, not sick, though she's not so sure that admission would really help things either.

Her phone dings in the distance.

"Actually, that'd be great," Alex says, trying not to run as she heads back to her room.

The screen is still glowing on her desk when she reaches it, and she can see the smiley face's that she knows are next to Maggie's name in her contacts.

Her heart falls when she reads the message.

" _I can't, I'm sorry,"_ is all it says.

Alex puts the phone back down, letting out a deep breath before she picks it right back up, rereading the message several times.

Can't _what?_ Work on the project? Or even talk to her?

" _Okay,"_ she writes back. " _I can send you what I have so far, and you can add to it or edit it if you want."_

She hopes it doesn't sound short, but she's not sure what other tone she can take. The presentation is due tomorrow; she knows Maggie doesn't want to be around her, so she's not sure what else to do. It doesn't matter — Alex did most of the research for their project while Maggie was studying for the police test — she can put together the presentation herself for the most part. Maggie just needs to know what to say tomorrow.

Her phone vibrates in her hand.

" _Thanks, Danvers."_

Alex moves to her computer, pulling up the website with the presentation and emailing it to Maggie. She texts her to let her know as much.

She doesn't get a response, but Maggie signs onto the website a few minutes later. She makes a few aesthetic changes, and adds an extra slide or two. Alex watches as Maggie types. It feels creepy, but she figures Maggie probably can't tell.

After a few minutes she returns to her own work. There's only a few slides left, at this point — a couple for a conclusion, and a references slide. Maggie had agreed to do citations. She's 'good at that sort of thing,' and Alex hates doing it so she didn't complain when Maggie suggested it.

They finish around midnight. Alex finds herself not wanting to exit the window, her only real link to Maggie right now. But Maggie hasn't typed anything in several minutes.

Her cursor is hovering over the red button when a message pops up on the website's chat filter.

" _Maggie (12:02:18): Goodnight."_

She stares at it for longer than she cares to admit, trying to read more into the single word. It doesn't work, and she's left with a nagging emptiness.

" _Sleep well. See you tomorrow,"_ she types back, hesitating before pressing send.

A little check mark appears next to it immediately. She watches as a few dots appear and disappear, and she waits for another message from Maggie, but it never comes.

She closes her computer after five minutes, eyes burning from the bright screen in her dark room. It doesn't stop when she lies in bed and closes her eyes, and it takes her a few seconds to realize she's crying.

She needs to fix this.

//

Alex comes to class ten minutes early on Tuesday just in case Maggie will be there. She knows she won't — Maggie is notoriously late to this class practically every day — but it is the day of their presentation, and the last day of class, so just _maybe..._

But Maggie shows up with only seconds to spare. She doesn’t look at Alex as she enters the room, head down as she makes her way up the stairs. Alex is relieved she at least seems to be headed towards their usual spot.

Hughes begins speaking before Maggie reaches her seat, though she does offer Alex a small smile as she sits down.

"Hey," Alex says, loud enough for just Maggie to hear.

"Sorry," Maggie mouths back.

"Today for presentations we have... John and Katie, Dylan and Josh, and Maggie and Alex. Who wants to go first?"

She can hear Maggie's sigh of relief when two sets of hands shoot up a few rows in front of them.

"Dylan and Josh, great," Hughes says.

Alex leans over to Maggie as the two head up to the front of the classroom. "You ready for this?"

Maggie nods, barely glancing over at her. "Yeah, I think so."

Any relief she'd felt at Maggie sitting with her washes away. "Good," she says, mouth forming a thin line. She slumps into her seat as one of the boys begin talking.

She tries to clear her head, reading over her notes for the presentation.

They end up going last. As with most public speaking, most of it is a blur for Alex — she reads off the slides she's supposed to, and answers a few questions from the class at the end. Maggie does her part without a hitch; she must have studied the slides Alex sent her the night before.

"Great job, girls," Hughes says as they walk back to their seats. "That wraps it up for our presentations. You all will receive your grades on Blackboard by the end of the week."

Alex's knees are still shaking as they climb the stairs, her heart refusing to calm down for the remaining minutes of class. She's not sure if it's from her nerves from the presentation, or for what's coming next: talking to Maggie.

She knows she needs to talk to her after class and get this straightened out, once and for all, even if it will break her heart.

Maggie, apparently, has different ideas. She's up and out of her seat before Hughes has even finished dismissing them, and Alex is scrambling to catch up, haphazardly tossing her things in her bag before heading down the stairs after her.

Maggie has already made it outside by the time Alex catches her.

“Maggie,” Alex says, running up to her. “Maggie, wait.”

Maggie stops, and Alex can see her shoulders heave in a sigh before she turns around. "Hey, sorry, I just had to — what's up?"

Alex takes the few last steps to catch up to her. "Nothing, I just —" Alex stops, feeling suddenly small. "I wanted to talk to you."

Maggie nods, looking off to the side for a second before regaining her focus. "You did a good job with the presentation. Sorry I basically left it all to you."

"It's fine," Alex says. "I'm glad the presentation turned out okay."

That's not what she really wants to say, but she needs to work up to this. Maggie nods. "Yeah, it was — you did a really good job. Thanks for that, again."

"Yeah, no problem," Alex says. It really wasn't — she'd done most of the work in the past few weeks, it was just putting it all together. But that doesn't matter. She needs to change the subject. "You, uh... you've kind of been MIA the past few days."

Maggie pulls her lips into a flat line as she crosses her arms. "I know. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I just..." Alex trails off, sighing. "Did I do something wrong?"

She knows she did, but she needs to hear Maggie say it.

Maggie shakes her head. "No, it's not that — I mean... it was kind of something you said, the other night."

Alex nods — of course it was. “Just let me explain —“ she starts, but Maggie shakes her head.

“You don’t need to explain. I mean, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just… I can’t, Alex.”

Alex shakes her head — she’s not going to accept an ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’

“Why?” she asks, voice not hiding her hurt.

Maggie sighs. “I haven’t been honest with myself and I need to be. I’m not… I’m ready for this.”

Alex blinks. “For what? A relationship? Because when I said that, I didn’t mean —“

“No. This,” Maggie says, gesturing between them. “Me and you. I’m not…” She stops, sighing. “I shouldn't have even started this. I guess I never really dealt with everything that happened between us.”

It feels like a bucket of ice water has been poured over her shoulders. Alex remembers Maggie saying that same thing after the first time they had kissed. Well, not the _first_ first time, but their first kiss as this new… whatever it is they are, or were before Alex messed things up. God, it was stupid to let it get this far without addressing that — but deep down, Alex knew that talking about it meant it would come to this, that everything would come to a grinding halt, that she'd messed this up too badly in the first place for it to be something real. But she wants it to be real so, so badly.

She knows that if she’s ever going to save this, she needs to be honest with Maggie.

“I know,” Alex says. “I didn’t either. I never… I never told you. How I felt,” she says, voice choking. “I loved you. I was in love with you, and I never told you. And I don’t want to make that mistake again, not when I finally have you back.”

Maggie’s eyes widen as she processes Alex's words. “You…”

“I love you, Maggie," Alex says, voice earnest. "I love you, and I’m sorry, because I know you told me not to, but I can’t — how could I not? If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I ever stopped.”

Maggie’s lip trembles as she looks up at Alex. “I — I loved you too. But you knew that, I guess.”

_Loved_. Past tense.

Alex forces a weak smile. “Yeah, kind of.”

“But that’s exactly my point —“ Maggie says, blinking back welling tears. “You loved me then and you still broke my heart. What’s to stop you from doing it now? Every person that has hurt me in my life has claimed to love me while they did it.”

Alex doesn’t have an answer to that. “You’re right,” she says. “I don’t — I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you because I have done it before.”

She takes a step closer, reaching out for Maggie’s hands, surprised when she lets her take them.

“But Maggie, the way I loved you in high school — it was nothing like I had ever felt. I didn’t know what to do with it. But it is nothing compared to how I feel about you now, and now I know what I want to do. And I want it so badly,” she says, the last few words coming out in a whisper. She isn’t able to stop herself from saying everything she hasn’t said — not if now is going to be her last chance.

But Maggie drops her gaze, and Alex is suddenly struck with the realization that it didn’t work.

Her last chance is over.

This isn’t what Maggie wants.

Alex lets go of her hands, but doesn’t move away, voice still low as she speaks — it’s all she can manage. “But if that’s not what you want too, then…” she stops, her throat clenching as if trying to keep the words from escaping. It doesn’t work. “Can we please just… can we still be friends? Because I don’t want to lose you again.”

A tear finally breaks free, rolling down Maggie’s cheek, and she lets go of Alex’s hand to swipe it away. “Yeah — I don’t think I could do that, either.”

“Okay,” Alex says, nodding. She’s crying now, too. “Good.”

Maggie surprises her then, reaching forward and pulling her into a hug, arms crushingly tight around her shoulders. Alex returns it, burying her face into Maggie’s hair and holding on as tight as she can until Maggie pulls away a few seconds later.

‘Okay,” Alex says again. “I guess I’ll just —“

“Yeah,” Maggie says. “I'll see you later?"

Alex nods.

She offers Maggie one last thin smile before Alex turns on her heel, walking as quickly as she can towards the parking lot. When she stops to look back, Maggie is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger. The next (and final) chapter will be from Maggie's point of view, followed by an epilogue. 
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with this story. For those of you who are in college, good luck on your finals!
> 
> p.s. Years & Years just released a new single. You should check it out :)


	20. would you break my heart, I would break it for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! We’re here: the final chapter. It’s kind of ridiculously long and took two months to write, but I hope you all will enjoy it. 
> 
> It was particularly difficult for me to write this last chapter, not only because there was so much left to cover but also because this work has become something very special to me and it’s hard to say goodbye. But all good things must come to an end, so…. 
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me :)

Her mother is in Midvale.

Maggie hasn’t seen or heard from her in four years — not even a card on all of the birthdays that have come and gone— and yet here she is, standing feet away from her on their front lawn.

“Do you want to come inside?” her mother asks, glancing behind her at the house Maggie used to live in with her, where they used to be a family.

“Sure,” Maggie answers automatically. She knows her mother is a private person — she probably won’t appreciate Alex watching them talk, like Maggie is certain she is from her car — so she agrees. She follows her into the house, taking a deep breath before stepping inside. Not much has changed, and she wonders how long her parents lived here after she was gone.

Her mother leads her into the kitchen. Maggie watches as she pulls out two glasses from the cabinet, rinsing them before she fills the with water from the tap. She sets one in front of Maggie, but doesn’t speak, eyes trained intensely on her her daughter. Maggie feels like shrinking — her mother’s gaze has always had that power, but today she straightens her back instead.  

“How are you doing?” Maggie asks, looking around the room. There’s a distinct lack of dishes in the sink, and on second glance everything in the kitchen is coated in a thin layer of dust. If her mother is staying here, she isn’t eating. But then again, she’s probably not staying here — maybe she just came by to get a few things and Maggie just has terrible timing.

Her mother runs a hand through her messy hair. “Do you really want to know?”

She looks at her mother for a long moment — takes in her tired eyes, her gaunt cheeks, the wrinkles in her forehead and around the corners of her mouth, a permanent etching of the frown on her face — then nods. “Yeah.”

“I’m tired,” she answers simply. “It’s hard to sleep without… it’s strange, after sleeping next to the same person for nearly thirty years. We even slept together when he was in the hospital.”

“Always by his side,” Maggie says, dropping her mother’s gaze. “Are you staying here?”

She shakes her head. “No. I have a hotel. I can’t be here for long. I just came for the photo albums.”

For the funeral, Maggie realizes. Bad timing, indeed.

Maggie doesn’t move to look at the photos — she doesn’t want to relive those memories, not today.

“How are you?” her mother interrupts her thoughts by asking.

“Do you really want to know?” Maggie repeats, a wry smile working its way onto her face.

Her mother lets out a sharp exhale, a flash of hurt on her face before she sets it straight again. “Of course.”

“Of course?” Maggie asks, unable to stop herself from asking. “How can you say that? Like I should just assume you still care about me after four years of radio silence or something.”

The glass in her mother’s hand slams down on the counter. Maggie looks down at it, unsurprised to see it’s still in tact — her mother never went for the cheap stuff. She keeps her eyes down until her mother speaks.

“There hasn’t been a day that went by that I didn’t think of you, Maggie,” her mother says, voice shaking. Maggie holds back her scoff, though her mother seems to sense it anyway. “You have to understand — or I suppose you don’t, really. I wanted to call, during that summer you went to stay with your aunt. But then your father got sick, and I… I didn’t.”

It feels like a punch to the gut — her father’s been sick for four years, and no one told her. He probably didn’t want them to. He was a force to reckon with when he didn’t get his way — Maggie knows that from experience. She can understand why her mother wouldn’t want him dealing with that while he was fighting for his life.

“Is it too late?” her mother asks.

“I don’t know,” Maggie answers honestly.

“Okay,” her mother says, voice even. “I understand that. I just want  _ you _ to understand… you are my child and I love you, Margarita. I know that may be hard to believe, and I don’t expect you to, but I do. And I always will, no matter what you decide. I just hope you’ll give me a chance to prove that to you again.”

Maggie’s chest tightens. Some small part of her wants to just hug her mother, like she used to after one of her father’s particularly bad episodes. But she knows she can’t do that. Not yet, anyway.

“When’s the funeral?” she asks.

Her mother blinks, seemingly surprised by the change in subject. “Tomorrow. Do you… would you want to come?”

“Would you want me there?”

Her mother’s hesitation tells her everything she needs to know.

“That’s okay,” Maggie says, shaking her head. “I don’t want to come, anyway.”

“It’s not that I don’t want you to come, Maggie,” her mother insists. “I just… your father’s family… they feel the same way he does. I don’t want you to run into any trouble.”

Maggie tries to hide the frown from her face. “Right,” she says. “That’s fine. Like I said, I wasn’t really interested in going.”

Her mother nods, looking off to the side, searching for a change in conversation. “Do you have a job? Where are you living?”

“I live in a dorm. I’m graduating, actually, in like a month.”

Her mother’s eyes suddenly shine. “You went to school? Where?”

“National City University.” Maggie scrunches her brow in thought. “Aunt Linda didn’t tell you?”

“No,” her mother answers, shaking her head with a sad smile. “She always said that if I wanted to know anything about you, I’d have to find out myself. My sister is… she can be very stubborn,” she finishes with a laugh.

Maggie feels a rush of love for her aunt. She’ll have to remember to call her later.

“What did you study?” her mother asks.

“I double-majored in sociology and criminal justice,” Maggie answers.

Her mother’s eyes widen. “That sounds like a lot of work. But it makes sense — all those mystery books you used to read when you were a kid.”

“Yeah, I never outgrew it,” Maggie says. “I, uh — I’m going to try to join a police department, maybe become a detective one day.”

“Of course you will. You’ve become an amazing young woman,” her mother says, but her voice is more sad than proud. “I wish I had been there to see it.”

Maggie chews on her lip as she considers something. “Well, you could see me graduate, if you want. It’s a month from Friday. Aunt Linda will be there.”

“You want me there?” her mother asks, echoing Maggie’s question from earlier.

Maggie isn’t sure, but she doesn’t want this to be the last time she sees her mom. She nods. “Can I have your phone number? I’ll uh — I’ll send you the information, and if you want to come just let me know and I’ll save you a ticket.”

“I want to come,” her mother answers immediately. “Just let me know the day and I’ll be there.”

“Okay,” Maggie says, unsure of what to make of this. She hadn’t intended on inviting her mother — she’d thought about it, sure, about how nice it would be to have people in the crowd there, cheering for her — but she’d never expected they’d get this far into a conversation after all this time.

She was expecting it to be awkward, for her anger to overtake everything else. But now, looking at her mother, everything is different. The anger is there — it probably always will be — but it’s dulled.

She opens up a new contact and hands her phone over to her mother, watching as she types the numbers in.

She clearly hasn’t gotten better with technology over the past four years.

Her mother hands her back her phone, and she takes a second to send her mother a message so she’ll have her contact. She hears it ding on the counter, but she doesn’t move to get it. Instead, they stand there for a moment, looking at each other.

“I guess I should get going,” Maggie says.

“Okay,” her mother responds, and Maggie isn’t sure whether she sounds sad or relieved. 

She follows Maggie towards the door. She doesn’t reach out for her, and Maggie is relieved — she still doesn’t think she could handle hugging her mother right now.

“It was nice to see you,” her mother says when Maggie reaches for the handle.

“Yeah,” Maggie manages. She’s not sure she can really say the same, but it hadn’t been as terrible as she was imagining. She hadn’t gotten to say all the things that she had planned when this encounter eventually happened, but she figures there will be a time for that, and the day before her father’s funeral is not it. “I’ll be in touch about graduation.”

Maggie can feel her mother’s eyes on her as she leaves the house, walking across the unkempt yard to the sidewalk. She shoves her hands in her pockets. She doesn’t know where to go, but she starts walking anyway.

//

Maggie can’t sleep.

It’s what her mother said, about sleeping next to the same person for thirty years, and she can’t help but wonder if that’s why was awake half the night last night. She’d be lying if she hadn’t been too busy thinking of Alex, just a few rooms down the hall, to drift off. 

After an hour in bed she finds herself throwing off her blankets, on her feet before she has time to second-guess herself. Today was too hard; she needs to see Alex.

There’s a light on in the kitchen at the end of the hall, but otherwise the house is quiet, and Maggie’s knock echoes for a moment before Alex swings open her door.

“Hey,” Alex says, voice raspy, probably from sleep. “Everything okay?”

Maggie takes her in, mussed hair and concerned eyes, and feels better already.  “I uh — I can’t sleep again, and I just thought…” She notices the dark room behind Alex, the clearly slept-in bed, and shakes her head. It was silly to wake Alex up just to make herself feel better. “I’m sorry, it’s the middle of the night. This is dumb, I’ll just —“

Alex’s hand wraps around her own, pulling her closer. “Stop that. Come on.”

She tugs her forward into her room, shutting the door behind them. Maggie still knows the way to Alex’s bed in the dark, muscle memory from nights spent sneaking in and out of Alex’s room in the pitch black of night.

It kind of feels like old times, staying up talking to Alex, voices hushed, side by side in a dark room. It’s like being surrounded by Alex, past and present. She thinks Alex might be starting to drift off, eyes closed and breathing even, when Maggie decides there’s enough she hasn’t gotten to say yet today. 

“Alex?” Maggie asks in a whisper.

“Yeah?” Alex answers immediately. Maggie is glad — she wouldn’t want to wake her up for a second time that night.

“When I said I wanted to come home — this is what I meant.”

Alex opens her eyes, finding Maggie’s immediately. Her smile fills Maggie with warmth, and she can’t help it — she reaches forward, hands tracing over Alex’s jaw before she kisses her. It’s soft, and simple, and something she wishes they had shared in this same bed years ago.

How much easier things would have been, then.

//

Somehow between when Maggie had fallen asleep last night and when they run into Eliza in the hall the next morning, Alex has found the time to come out to her mom. 

“She knows,” Alex says after Eliza spots them holding hands outside Alex’s room, but it lacks all the dread Maggie has usually associated with that sort of declaration. Instead, Alex is smiling — she seems happy. 

Good for Eliza — Maggie knew she was better than that. Alex deserves to be accepted. She only wishes her parents had felt the same way. 

But she’s proud of Alex. It clearly feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders, judging by her bubbly attitude at breakfast. It’s nice, seeing Alex so happy. 

It almost feels like she’s happy, too. 

Especially when Alex grabs her hand to lead her out to her car, with no real destination in sight. It’s just the sort of thing they would have done in high school, doing things just for the sake of being together. Maggie fiddles with the radio while Alex sets a course for nowhere in particular. 

Their first stop ends up being the school itself, and Maggie tries to soak in every bit of it as they drive past. She rolls down her window, shivering a little at the breeze on her face. 

There are so many memories here. 

She’d only been at Midvale High School for six months — the shortest stay she’d had in any school. Yet the things that happened to her here, and the people that she met, shaped her more than any other place she’d ever been. 

Winn, Kara, and of course, Alex _.  _

Three people she can’t imagine her life without anymore.

Kind of crazy, considering she’s probably going to lose two out of the three in the next few months when she moves to god knows where. Unless, of course, she gets into the National City Police Department. She doesn’t think she can or will — the test is in less than a month, and her professor just recommended the department to her a few days ago. It’s Maggie’s dream job, but she needs to be realistic. It’s far from likely she’ll be called in the next few years, never mind score well enough to make it in first round and be able to stay in National City. 

She hasn’t even told Alex about it, though she needs to soon if she’s going to be studying as much as she’ll need to if she’s really going to take the test. 

Maggie knows it’s crazy, to think that she can stay in National City with Alex and that things will somehow be okay. Because there are still moments when she’s alone — when she’s driving home, or in the shower, or walking to class — when the things she’d planned to say to Alex after all these years come back to her, where she finds herself rehearsing the same words she’d memorized forever ago, long before Alex had come back into her life.

That Alex had hurt her. That Alex had left her at a time when she’d needed a friend the most — and for what? For being gay? Yeah, kissing her without asking her first wasn’t cool, but now that she knows Alex liked her back, that she wasn’t imagining it all — was it really worth abandoning her for? 

She’d had a hard summer after high school. It all started with Alex, of course, and the sting of that heartbreak would underline all the rest of the pain to come in the next few months. Then there was her parents, which came with moving into a new house with an aunt she barely knew. Her car accident, when no one she cared for was there to care for her. 

Alex wasn’t there. 

But she’s here now.

And now… Maggie doesn’t know what to think.

So sometimes, when it’s just her and her thoughts, she dwells on it a little — their past, her anger. It probably isn’t healthy, but it keeps her from saying these things out loud to Alex. If she ever did that, well…

Their friendship would probably be over, right? Alex had run away from her once. Maggie doesn’t want that to happen again, and she knows that confrontation of any sort is bound to scare her away. 

It doesn’t really matter — she’s not getting into National City Police Department, so she’ll never have to deal with any of this. 

She’s made her peace with not staying in National City a long time ago. She never planned to, after all, and she’s had all this time with Alex now.

It’s been enough, right?

//

“I might as well give up now,” Maggie says, shaking her head as she looks down at her practice exam. She’d downloaded a bunch of different old tests and printed them at the library, excited to get to work on them with Alex. 

Except when she’d gotten to the Danvers’ apartment, opened her binder and looked at the first question, she immediately realized it was pointless when she saw what was looking back up at her. 

Math. 

No way in hell is Maggie Sawyer doing well on a math exam. 

“What?” Alex asks, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s hopeless, that’s what’s wrong,” Maggie says. “I didn’t know there’d be  _ math.”  _

Alex squints at her, then bursts out laughing when she looks at the page. “Maggie, come on. That’s basic division — you learned that in like, fifth grade.” 

“And, funnily enough, that’s when I started failing math,” Maggie answers. “Seriously. Hopeless.” 

“No way. You must’ve had a bad teacher or something,” Alex says, but Maggie just shakes her head. “Okay, come on,” she insists. “You’re like, a genius.”

“I am not,” Maggie says adamantly, not knowing where Alex could have possibly gotten that idea. 

“You do better than me on like, every test!” 

“I have a scholarship to keep, Danvers,” Maggie points out. “Why do you think I study so much?” 

“Good point,” Alex says. “So, you should be especially good at studying for this. Come on, I promise — arithmetic is not that scary.” 

Maggie scrunches her nose. “Who even calls it that? Are you a nun?” 

“What? No!” Alex shakes her head. “Do nuns say that?”

“The ones in my school did,” Maggie says, shrugging.

Alex pauses. “You went to Catholic school?”

Maggie quirks an eyebrow. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Danvers.”  

“Huh,” Alex says, thinking for a moment. “Tell you what, let’s make a game out of it. For every question I help you through, you tell me one fact about yourself.” 

“Wow,” Maggie says. “And here I thought you were helping me out of the goodness of your heart.” 

“That would’ve been nice of me, yeah,” Alex says, a gleam in her eye that Maggie recognizes as the one she gets right before she breaks into a big smile. 

Maggie rolls her eyes, extending her hand. “Fine — deal.” 

Alex grins, and Maggie can’t help but return it. 

The feeling fades pretty fast once they return to the math problems. 

“Okay, so — you have to multiply this… subtract that… bring this down… and what does that get you?” 

“Twenty… seven?” Maggie answers nervously, but Alex smiles, nodding. 

“Exactly,” she says. 

She looks at Maggie expectantly, and it takes a second for Maggie to realize what she wants. 

Details about Maggie’s life. 

“Oh, um…” Maggie stops, suddenly shy. “Maybe it’d be easier if you asked me questions?” 

“Okay,” Alex says, looking off to the side as she thinks for a moment. “What was Catholic school like?” 

“Weird,” Maggie answers immediately. “We weren’t even religious, but later my dad said he put me there because he could just see my — he called them ‘rebellious tendencies.’ I guess he thought that it would help keep me from becoming gay. We had these religion classes, and I had to wear a skirt. It was so ugly, God… I almost wish I hadn’t burned all the photos my mom had of me in it.” Alex laughs, and Maggie joins her for a second until she sighs. “It wasn’t all bad, though. I mean, I had friends, and they were cool. But the school itself was so strict, and about the stupidest things. Never mind my raging homosexuality.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure that was a blast,” Alex says, smile suddenly a little sad. 

Maggie shrugs. “I didn’t actually really know, at the time. I mean, there was this one girl — my best friend — I liked her way too much. It wasn’t until my last few months there until I realized why.”  

Alex looks at her, eyes wide and a little too vulnerable, and Maggie needs to shake it off. 

“Anyway, enough about me. Back to the math.”

Now there’s a sentence she thought she’d never say. 

Alex walks her through a few more questions — the division is the trickiest, in Maggie’s opinion, though Alex is a good teacher. She shares little details — the names of her friends in school (Haley, Clara, and Cassidy were her favorites), and the story about how she got knocked out once during her first softball game. She never went back on the field. 

Maggie ends up doing the fifth question by herself, and Alex almost applauds her when she gets the answer right. 

“Perfect,” Alex says, barely containing her beaming smile. 

Maggie smiles back at her, though it fades after a moment when she starts to think about what she’s going to reveal next. 

“My dad, he uh — he pulled me out of school, when he found out I had a crush on Clara. It was the week before Christmas break. I’d just started playing the saxophone that semester. That’s right — for a whole two months, I was in the woodwind section.” 

She hopes the joke would ease the tension that is suddenly thick in the air, but Alex doesn’t crack a smile this time. 

“How’d he find out?” she asks.

Maggie laughs, mostly at herself. “I told him,” she says. “I didn’t think it’d be a big deal. We weren’t religious, they aren’t particularly political people. I just asked him about it — if it was possible, you know? And he… he flipped out. Said that it was the ‘repressed Catholic school’ environment, that it leads to unnatural experimentation or something. We’d moved there for a job he’d gotten, and they’d put me in this all-girls private school because they thought it’d be better, he said, but  _ this —  _ me? It wasn’t what he wanted.” 

“He said that?” 

Maggie nods. “Then he made me miss school for the next few days until I could transfer into the nearest public school. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my friends. And I couldn’t join the orchestra in my new school— it was too late, so.” 

“I’m sorry,” Alex says, but Maggie shakes her head.

“It was a long time ago.” 

“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt,” Alex responds. 

Maggie looks at her for a long moment, then sighs. “You’re right about that,” she says. “Anyway, that’s why I’m so bad at math — when I transferred, it turned out my old school was pretty far behind and I ended up totally missing some major things that I never had time to catch up on.”

“That’s awful,” Alex says. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re a really fast learner. You’ll have this down in no time.”

Maggie rolls her eyes, but she finds herself smiling. “Thanks, Alex. The private tutoring kind of helps.” 

Alex smiles back at her, and there looks like there’s something she wants to say before she sighs, dropping her gaze back down to the practice sheets. “Speaking of...” 

“Right,” Maggie says, suddenly embarrassed they’d gotten off on such a tangent. “The  math.” She says it like it’s a bad word, and Alex laughs before she starts explaining the next problem. 

Maggie feels a little bad, because she knows they’ll have to go over it again in a few minutes. She’s not really paying attention, her brain going a little fuzzy as she looks at Alex, whose smile is still lingering on her face as she reads the question out loud. 

Just having someone there, to help her, to listen to her problems… it’s nice. 

It’s nice spending time with Alex, having her there to laugh at Maggie’s stupid jokes and make sure she eats and just…  _ care _ about Maggie. 

She hasn’t felt this cared for in a long time. 

Maggie tries not to, but she can picture the two of them together so easily — she’d spent months doing just that in high school, after all. 

She knows they’d fit like a glove, that Alex would make her feel whole in ways Maggie hadn’t ever known before. She knows she could love Alex with all her heart — if only Alex hadn’t broken it to pieces once already. Her heart never really recovered — not from Alex, not from her parents, not from any of it — how can she love someone like that? 

She wishes it could be that easy. 

//

Maggie wakes up early the morning of the test. She doesn’t have to actually leave until after noon, but as soon as her eyes open she feels the need to get up and get going. She knows sleep won’t come back to her, not with how fast her thoughts are already racing. 

Today’s the day. 

She takes a moment to look at Alex, still asleep next to her. Maggie resists the urge to reach out and touch her lips — they always get so puffed out when she’s asleep, like little pillows or cloud, and she wants to kiss her. 

She settles for pressing her lips gently to Alex’s temple, not wanting to wake her. They’d stayed up pretty late the night before. 

Maggie gets out of bed, shivering at the sudden cold on her naked skin. She pulls open the drawer where Alex has started keeping her clothes — too many of them had been gathering on the floor, she’d said — and finds a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. Might as well be comfortable while she decides her future, right?

Her notes and practice tests are still spread across the table where she left them the night before, but she doesn’t go for them right away, instead heading for the coffee machine, knowing she’ll be useless until she has at least a cup in her. 

She pours over her notebook, starting from page one. She’d written down explanations for every question she hadn’t immediately known the answer to — something Alex had suggested. 

Maggie doesn’t know how she’ll ever thank her for her help this past month. 

She hopes she can thank her by passing. Alex wants that, right? For Maggie to stay? 

Maggie shakes her thoughts loose, taking another sip of her coffee. She needs to focus. 

She’s not sure how long it’s been when she hears the door to the bedroom creak open, and she can hear Alex enter the room behind her. 

“Morning,” she says once Alex is near. Alex places a hand on her shoulder a second later, leaning in for a half hug. 

“You been at this long?” Alex asks, eyeing Maggie’s empty coffee mug. 

“A bit,” Maggie answers. “"They say cramming isn't good for you, but it works for me.” 

“Well, I’m sure you’d store the information better if you had something to eat. Want breakfast?” 

Her stomach rumbles loudly in response, and she nods. 

Alex throws together some eggs and cheese she finds in the fridge, and makes toast — extra dark, just for Maggie. 

Maggie is so absorbed in her cramming that she doesn’t even register when Alex puts the plate down in front of her. It takes Alex saying something for her to look up, surprised to find a full plate of food and Alex herself sitting in front of her. 

Maggie apologizes — she goes into hyper-focus mode whenever she has to do something like this. 

The food is delicious, and Maggie compliments Alex on it. She’s become quite the chef since she’d first cooked with Maggie. Maggie clears her plate and then some, using her toast to soak up whatever’s left on her dish.

Alex stands after she’s finished, reaching forward for Maggie’s plate.

“Don’t be silly,” Maggie says, shooing her away. “I should clean up — you cooked.” 

“No way,” Alex says with a sharp shake of her head. “I know you’ll just be freaking out the whole time that you need to get back to studying.”

Maggie wants to argue, but Alex is right, so she just says thank you and starts rereading the passage she was on before Alex woke up. 

Alex hums to herself as she does the dishes, and Maggie finds herself going over the same question three times before she finally gives in and looks up at her. Her sleeves are rolled up around her arms, sweatpants hanging loose down on her hips, and Maggie lets her gaze linger there for a second too long, a blush rising to her cheeks. She bites her lip as she forces her eyes back down to her paper. 

_ Focus, Sawyer.  _

Fortunately for Maggie, Alex excuses herself to change after she’s done cleaning. She’s able to get through a whole practice test in the time Alex is gone — one she’d done particularly well on, granted. 

Again, she doesn’t notice Alex’s return until her arm is slung around her shoulder, her hand landing next to Maggie’s on the collection of papers. 

“Come on,” Alex says, gentling tugging the practice test out of Maggie’s hand. “Whatever you don’t know at this point, you don’t know, right?”

Maggie sighs, but the look of concern of Alex’s face is kind of warming her heart. “I guess.”

“Good,” Alex says with a firm nod. “Let’s give that brain of yours a rest.”

“What did you have in mind?” Maggie asks in a way she hopes doesn’t sound  _ too  _ suggestive. They don’t have time for that… do they?

But Alex’s mind is elsewhere — far elsewhere. “Cartoons?” 

Maggie smiles. “Sounds perfect.” 

The curl up on the couch as Alex pulls some show up from the kids section of Hulu — Maggie doesn’t really pay attention to whatever it is that she chooses. 

Her mind is too busy focusing on other things. 

Like on the test. Well, sort of. More like, what comes after it, and what this will mean for her and Alex. If she doesn’t get in, then the answer is obvious. They say their goodbyes after graduation, and maybe they’ll run into each other once every ten years when they’re in the same city. They can reconnect on Facebook or whatever social media is popular a decade from now. 

But if Maggie does somehow get in? 

The most obvious answer is that they could continue on as they are with no end in sight, but Maggie isn’t sure she can do that. She was kind of counting on this being a short-term thing so she wouldn’t have to deal with how she really feels about Alex.

She knows she’s probably in love with her. It was in fact likely she never really got over her in the first place. She also knows she’s still so hurt by what Alex did in high school, but that she can’t help herself — being around Alex the past few months has just felt right. How could she not want to be with Alex while she has the chance? 

She knows no one else has ever or will ever hold a candle to Alex, that if Maggie doesn’t end up staying she’ll spend the rest of her life comparing all other women to her.

Maybe someone will come along someday who will measure up.

Maggie doubts it.

But it’s not really the idea of her own love that scares her. It’s Alex’s.

She’s not sure she’s ready to mean that much to Alex again. It had snuck up on her, this sudden closeness with Alex, and she wasn’t prepared. It’s why she had freaked out on Alex for calling Maggie her ‘best friend,’ even though she feels the same way. 

It’s a lot of responsibility, being someone to Alex again, especially considering how that ended the last time around.

As it is now, she can pretend that their past pretty much doesn’t exist. But if she were to stay, if Alex were to somehow return her feelings and they were to get more serious, she’d have to deal with everything that had transpired between them the first time around.

And that’s the thought that terrifies her.

//

Alex volunteers to drive her to the testing site, and Maggie spends the whole ride biting her tongue, fighting thoughts about what comes next. 

She knows can’t think about that right now — she has to focus on the test. It’s the most important test she’s ever taken, and she can’t seem to remember one thing she’d studied in the past month. 

Alex doesn’t say anything as they pull up to the testing site — some high school that’s empty on the weekends. They sit there in silence, Maggie not ready to leave yet, wanting to enjoy just a few minutes more of Alex’s calming presence. And if this is how she is when she’s with Alex, god knows she’s going to be losing her mind, alone in a testing room. 

“I can do this, right?” Maggie asks out loud suddenly. She hadn’t really thought it would get this far when she suggested it, but somehow, she’s done it. She’s studied, registered, paid the fees — she’s here, for god sakes. Now she has to just go inside. 

“It’s okay to be nervous,” Alex says. Her hand intertwines with Maggie’s, and Maggie closes her eyes, trying to focus on Alex’s touch. “You’ve worked really hard for this.” 

“It kind of feels like I’m about to decide my future,” Maggie admits, voice quiet. It’s the first time she’s really acknowledged the gravity of the situation out loud with Alex. She looks up at her, but Alex just offers her a soft smile, and Maggie feels herself melt a little. 

“No big deal, right?” Maggie asks. 

Alex nods. “Right. You’ve got this.” 

And somehow, when Alex says it, Maggie kind of believes that she does. 

//

The week in between taking the test and getting her score feels weird. Maggie’s mind can’t stop circling around the same few thoughts — that she needs to talk to Alex, that none of this matters because she’ll never get into the NCPD anyway, that she hates herself for getting into this situation in the first place — and she feels like she’s in a strange kind of limbo.

Alex feels it too, she can tell. She stays closer to Maggie, constantly by her side. She holds her tightly before they fall asleep, and Maggie wakes up with Alex’s arms still around her. Maybe she’s aware this could be one of their last few weeks living in the same city. 

Maybe Alex is preparing to say goodbye.

Or maybe Alex is letting herself want for something more with Maggie, if Maggie should manage to score well on the exam and stay in the same city as Alex. Maggie hopes that’s not the case — she’s always known this whole thing would end up breaking her own heart, but she doesn’t want to break Alex’s too. 

But now that the thought has entered her mind, now that she’s acknowledged her feelings and that they can’t stay buried forever…. it all feels sort of inevitable. 

There’s no way this is going to end well.

Still — she has at least a week before she has to deal with that, right?

So instead of losing her mind over something that might not even happen, she decides to enjoy this time with Alex. It’s going to be the last she has for a while (or maybe even ever, if Alex hates her after all is said and done, but Maggie doesn’t want to think about that right now). 

However desperate for these last moments with Alex her mind seems to be, her body feels it ten times more. She can’t stop herself from touching Alex almost constantly — Maggie’s hand always landing on Alex’s leg when they’re sitting together, or her arm inevitably finding her way around Alex’s shoulder. Her fingers tangle in Alex’s hair each time they kiss, pulling her just a little bit  _ closer.  _

That’s changed, too — the kissing. And it’s not just Maggie. 

Alex has always been rather tame when it came to being physical with Maggie, usually waiting on Maggie to make the first move (and the second, sometimes even the third). It’s not that Maggie can’t tell Alex wants her — sometimes she can see it so clearly on Alex’s face it almost kills her — but Alex has never been one to push the boundaries, more than happy to let Maggie take control. 

But this week, Alex is different. This week with Alex, every kiss turns into something more. And Maggie is more than happy to oblige. How can she not when Alex gets so visibly lost in Maggie every time they’re together, eyes glazed, breathing ragged and gaze trained on Maggie at all times — like nothing else exists to Alex but her.

Those moments are coming more and more often this week, and Maggie can’t help but bask in them a little. 

Tonight, she takes her time when undressing for Alex, pulling her shirt over her head slowly, stretching her arms up high as she does. She can’t see through the fabric, but she can feel Alex’s eyes on her as she moves. 

Sure enough, a second later, Alex’s fingers graze over her stomach, and Maggie is suddenly very happy with the few defined muscles that years of yoga have given her. Alex’s fingers scratch lightly on their way down to Maggie’s hip, steadying her there while Maggie pulls the shirt over her head. 

Alex doesn’t waste time once the garment is gone, propping herself up on her elbows so she can kiss Maggie. Her hands stay on her hips for only a moment before they start to wander, Alex clearly feeling unusually bold tonight. 

Maggie isn’t complaining. At all, actually. She leans into Alex’s grip, moaning into Alex’s mouth when she presses her fingers tighter against Maggie’s skin. Everything about Alex feels good — she could never get enough of this, not really. 

Alex surprises her by flipping them over, knocking a bit of the air out of Maggie’s lungs as she lands on the bed. Alex doesn’t give her much time to recover, her mouth quickly finding Maggie’s neck as her hands continue roaming over her stomach. 

Again, god bless yoga. 

Maggie uses their new position to get Alex’s shirt off, desperate to feel Alex against her. That’s new too — just how badly she needs Alex. She can feel it in every cell of her body, an electric buzz that ignites her from the inside out. 

Alex kisses her again, and Maggie stops thinking. 

The rest of their clothes end up on the floor, discarded until tomorrow morning’s groggy search for something to wear, and Maggie let’s Alex take her time, knowing she won’t move on until Maggie says so. She doesn’t rush Alex when she lingers on Maggie’s collar bones, enjoying every nip and scrape of Alex’s teeth. She holds Alex’s head in place over her chest as Alex kisses her there, tongue swirling. 

She doesn’t usually let Alex spend this time, doesn’t let her taste every inch of her skin, but if it’s all ending soon anyway — 

Alex’s teeth drag against a particularly sensitive spot and Maggie groans. 

“Alex,” she says, voice rough. Alex peers up at her, face the picture of innocence aside from the fact that her mouth is wrapped around Maggie’s nipple, and she can’t help but die a little. “I need to touch you.” 

Alex understands, but she doesn’t move to lie down like Maggie’s expecting. Instead she gives Maggie a coy smile as she sits up so she can drag her underwear slowly down her legs. Then she crawls back over to Maggie, and Maggie feels the lump in her throat grow as Alex’s long legs straddle her. 

“So touch me,” she says, hand reaching for Maggie’s to guide her. 

She’s going to miss this, she thinks for a second before she’s inside Alex and all her other thoughts disappear. 

It doesn’t take long for her to make Alex come undone. She’d felt bad about it the first few times — like maybe she was rushing things — but Alex says it’s just how she is, and she certainly doesn’t seem to mind, her head thrown back as she grinds against Maggie’s hand.

God, she’s going to miss this. 

Alex comes down a minute later, cheeks still glowing pink as she looks at Maggie with a small smile. Maggie can’t help herself, leaning forward to kiss Alex, knowing that those are probably limited, now. Alex makes a small noise as Maggie’s hand shifts against her, two fingers still buried inside, but Alex doesn’t seem to mind too much. She pulls Maggie in to deepen the kiss. 

Has she mentioned that she’s going to miss this?

Alex lifts herself off Maggie a minute later, pushing her back against the pillows. 

“Your turn,” she says, leaving no room for argument from Maggie. 

Not that she was going to argue, anyway. 

Alex takes a few seconds to collect herself, starting back up at Maggie’s ear and kissing her way down her neck and jaw. She straddles one of Maggie’s legs, and Maggie tries not to moan at the feeling of Alex against her. She closes her eyes and blows out a low breath, though it’s pointless when Alex laughs lowly against the nape of her neck, knowing exactly what Maggie’s trying to hide. 

She’s transparent — so why bother? 

So the next time Alex’s tongue flits against her pulse, she doesn’t try to stop the noise from escaping her mouth as her fingers wind their way into Alex’s hair. It spurns Alex on, her hands finding their place at Maggie’s hips — where else? — before sliding lower. 

Maggie shivers as Alex’s fingers drag over her thigh, and Alex pulls back. She wonders if she’s going to stop, for a second — then her fingers land on Maggie’s clit, and she realizes that Alex isn’t stopping.

She’s watching. 

Maggie’s eyes slam shut as Alex starts to move, suddenly overwhelmed by everything that’s happening. This could be one of the last times she gets this — to be with Alex — and she doesn’t want to come undone just from Alex just looking at her. 

So she keeps up a jittering pace with her hips as Alex works against her, trying to keep the pressure from building. Alex understands, alternating her pace to keep Maggie on the edge.

Then Alex’s fingers slip a little too low, and Maggie gasps. 

It’s not that she doesn’t like being touched like that — she’s enjoyed it plenty on her own, that’s for sure — but it takes her much longer to get anywhere, and it’s usually frustratingly fruitless with a partner. So she saves it for her solo sessions, when she has the time to make sure she gets it right.

But tonight, she doesn’t care — she’s pretty sure none of that will be a problem anyway, not with Alex above her, looking down at Maggie like she’s tethered to this planet by her touch. 

Her hand trails down Alex’s arm, and Maggie grips her wrist as she meets Alex’s gaze. She needs to feel Alex everywhere. 

“Sorry,” Alex whispers, misreading her intent. Her cheeks still tinged pink and breathing uneven, and Maggie can’t help but think she looks adorable like this, all disheveled. 

Alex had learned early on what Maggie was into, and again, Alex isn’t one to push boundaries. She starts to pull back, but Maggie’s fingers tighten around her wrist. 

Maggie shakes her head, her mouth opening as she tries to find the words, but she can’t seem to decide on any. Instead, she tugs Alex’s hand a little lower, gasping again when Alex’s fingers slide through her. 

Alex’s eyes light up, as if she’s suddenly aware of the effect she’s having on Maggie. She bites her lip as she takes another experimental dip, and Maggie’s eyes flutter shut as her breath hitches. She tries not to lean into Alex, not to rush this, but her body has other ideas. 

It doesn’t take long at all for her to crash around Alex’s fingers, her eyes screwed shut and her mouth slack as she goes silent. She’s vaguely aware of Alex pressing a kiss against her forehead — something she’ll probably spend hours obsessing over later. 

When she comes back to her senses her legs are still wrapped tightly around Alex, who is laying on top of her, looking at Maggie with a soft smile on her face. 

“Hey,” she says, voice still slightly husky. 

“Hi,” Maggie says, laughing at the silliness of it after what they’d just done together. She closes her eyes, leaning back into her pillow as she slowly returns to her body. Alex takes the opportunity to lay across across her chest, her legs falling to the side of Maggie as she slides off of her. 

“You good?” Alex asks after another few second of silence. 

“So good,” Maggie says, still somewhat out of breath. 

“Good,” Alex says, and Maggie can hear the smile in her voice, along with the sudden need for sleep that has apparently gripped Alex. 

_ I love you,  _ Maggie has the urge to say, though she stops that thought long before it makes it anywhere near her mouth. It startles her — it’s not true, right? Just an old remnant of feelings long passed. She can’t be in love Alex, not now. Not when she’s so sure she’s about to lose her. 

So she keeps her mouth as Alex settles against her chest, and doesn’t say anything as she strokes Alex’s hair. She can feel when Alex falls asleep, head heavy and breathing even. 

Maggie tries not to wake Alex as she leans over to turn off the light, but she knows she needs to turn it off, or else she’ll just sit here staring at Alex for hours, knowing that she can’t let herself love her (and knowing she’s already failed).

//

Maggie does it.

She doesn’t know how, but she gets into the National City Police Department. She thought she did okay on the exam, but a 99? It’s almost unreal.

It sure feels like a dream at first. Alex is looking at her like she can’t believe it either,  a slow grin blooming across her face. Maggie thinks Alex might kiss her, but instead she just beams as she says that they should celebrate.

“Let’s do it,” Maggie agrees, happy to have one more night not to think about what all of this means.

Except that’s not how it turns out at all. Because when alcohol is involved, Maggie can’t control herself.

Like when Alex presses against her when she teaches Maggie how to play pool, arms wrapping around her and hands on top of her own as she guides her movements. It shouldn’t affect her, not with Kara only a few feet away, chatting away with some guy she met while they were playing darts. But she can’t help the blush creeping up her face, and she excuses herself as soon as their game is over to cool off in the bathroom.

But being alone with her thoughts isn’t much better, not four drinks in with a fifth waiting back at their table.

She knows needs to deal with her history with Alex, and to do that, she needs to not be with Alex, because she’s sure when she opens up that box of feelings she’s been keeping locked tight in the back of her mind for years, it won’t be pretty. It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to be hard, and she’s not sure their friendship will even survive. She’s absolutely dreading it, but knows it’s what she needs to do if there’s any chance at a future for them. And she needs to do it soon, before their feelings get more serious and they just end up hurting each other even worse than before.

But then Alex catches her eye across the room, and all the fear clouding her thoughts suddenly dissipates. Alex is clearly looking for her, neck craned as she scans the bar until her eyes find Maggie’s. Maggie smiles, and as if Alex can read her mind, she walks over.

Maggie doesn’t even think before kissing her.

If everything is about to change, tonight is their last night, and she’s going to enjoy it.

//

Then it all goes wrong.

"I'm really proud of you," Alex says, eyes sparkling.

They’re back at the bar now, and Alex is clearly drunk, a slight slur to her words that Maggie’s never really heard from her before that she finds pretty damn adorable.

“Thanks," Maggie replies, grinning. She still can’t believe this is happening, that this is probably the last time they’ll be happy like this together for a while,  but has the strength of mind to steer her thoughts elsewhere. Tonight is about having fun. “I couldn't have done it without you. You've been... I don't know how to thank you, Alex."

"You don't have to," Alex says. ”But we should, uh, celebrate sometime, you know?"

Maggie scrunches her brow, a little confused in her drunken state — isn’t that what they’re doing now?

"We are celebrating, Danvers," she points out, but Alex shakes her head.

"No, I meant — us. We should celebrate. I was thinking... maybe I could take you to dinner?"

Maggie’s world comes grinding to a halt, a sudden sobriety taking over.

"Oh, like, a — uh, like a date?" she musters. 

Alex shakes her head, then nods, and Maggie watches her every move. "I mean, yeah, I guess. If you wanted it to be."

“Oh," Maggie says, brow furrowing slightly. "I, uh..." Her words die in her throat, her mind suddenly blank.

It’s clearly not encouraging, because Alex begins to ramble like she does when she’s wracked with nerves. “I just thought — maybe since you're staying in National City, we could —"

"Guys!" Kara appears over Alex’s shoulder. “You want another round of shots?”

Kara’s been graciously buying all night, and offered to drive them home as well. Maggie regrets that, now. She needs to get out of here, and she doesn’t have a ride.

“Actually, Kara, I think I have to go,”  Maggie gets out. The room has begun spinning again, and the only thing she can seem to focus on is the plain heartbreak written on Alex’s face.

“What?” Alex asks, voice near a whisper. Maggie drops her eyes, unable to look at her anymore.

“Yeah — sorry, I just realized — I have to...” She can’t seem to come up with an excuse. “I can’t be here right now. I have to go.”

“Maggie, wait.”

Not being able to see Alex doesn’t help when she sounds just as broken.

Maggie forces herself to look up at her. “I’m sorry, I have to — I’ll call you, okay?” She smiles, or at least tries to, then quickly makes her exit.

The air is warm outside the bar — or at least it feels warm compared to how cold the last month has been. Maggie almost wishes it was more biting — it would feel more appropriate.

She pulls out her phone, glancing back at the bar to make sure Alex isn’t following her. She starts to walk down the block as she pulls up an app to get a ride, not realizing she’s crying until a tear splashes against her screen. She wipes at her face quickly, then presses confirm for a driver to pick her up around the corner in a few minutes.

//

Maggie wakes up on the couch the next morning, face buried under a pillow. She shivers — she’d obviously forgotten to grab a blanket before falling asleep the night before. Maybe she’d even left the window open judging by the chill in the air. She sits up, rubbing her eyes as she checks her phone, frowning when she doesn’t see any new messages.

Then it all comes rushing back to her.

Last night.

Alex.

Maggie falls back onto the couch, looking up at the ceiling. She closes her eyes for a moment, hoping that maybe she can fall back asleep and forget again, but she knows it’s no use.

Alex wants to be with her. And Maggie…

She covers her face back up with the pillow.

//

She doesn’t feel good about avoiding Alex in the upcoming days. It’s not that she wants to hurt her feelings — it’s the exact opposite of that, actually. Maggie is worried what she might say to Alex now that the wound is reopened, now that she  _ has _ to say something _. _

So she’s okay with the fact that Alex doesn’t try to contact her on Sunday. 

She doesn’t actually think she can talk to anyone that day, let alone Alex. She keeps her lights off, her door locked and her headphones in. For all intents and purposes, she’s not here, and she’s happy that her freshmen seem to get that message.

She’s just not ready to deal with this.

Maggie isn’t ready Monday either. So when Alex texts her that night asking if she wants to come work on their presentation, she has to say no, even though it’s due tomorrow. Maybe she can talk to Hughes, tell him that her father’s death just threw her so far off that Alex ended up taking on most of the work and to please not Alex’s grade suffer because of Maggie’s inability to work on it. It might work — Hughes seems like a chill enough professor — but then Alex has a better idea. 

She sends her the project on one of those websites where they can collaborate in the cloud or whatever, so they don’t have to talk. It at least makes Maggie feel a little less useless.

She pulls out the notes she’d made before she’d started all this police exam stuff, and starts to fill in the information on the website.

It’s oddly comforting, knowing Alex is right on the other side of the screen.

//

Sleep doesn’t come easily to her Monday night, plagued by thoughts of what she’s going to say when she talks to Alex the next day in class. Maybe she’ll get lucky and Alex will feel awkward and want to forget it even happened, but even so — this conversation will occur eventually.

Falling in love with Alex in high school had been sort of an unconscious thing. She’s not sure when it started, or if it ever really ended. It was seamless. It’s a little different this time around — she chose to fall into this thing with Alex the first night they’d spent together. She knew it wouldn’t be enough, but she did it anyway.

She’s remiss to call ‘this thing’ love, but if she’s being honest with herself… she doesn’t have a choice in loving Alex. She never really has — not that she would necessarily choose differently if she did.

But how can she love someone that hurt her so badly? She should be angrier, right? It’s the same situation with her mother all over again. Maggie seems unable to hold onto the anger that seems to fuel some people.

She chalks it up to having repressed her feelings for so long — towards both her mom and Alex. She hadn’t had time to deal with Alex because of the fallout with her parents soon after, and she’s not sure she could ever truly deal with the abandonment by her family.

The only thing she can do is move on.

Only how can she do that, if it means trusting Alex and giving herself to her again when she hasn’t even begun to deal with what happened between them?

So sleep is elusive, but when she finally does drift off she sleeps like a rock.

//

Her head hurts when she wakes up on Tuesday, and she squints at her clock. It’s late — like, afternoon, late — and she pushes herself quickly out of bed. She hasn’t showered since they went out Saturday, and she needs to do that before she sees Alex.

She ends up leaving her room a couple minutes later than she knows she needs to in order to make it to class on time. She considers texting Alex to let her know she isn’t bailing on their project, but decides instead to put on an extra burst of speed — jogging clears her head now, after all. 

It does still leave her slightly out of breath by the time she gets to Taylor Hall, but she makes it there with a few seconds to spare before class starts. She figures it’s better like that anyway — no way she could give a presentation after she tells Alex everything.

Maggie immediately finds Alex when she enters the room, sitting in her seat, punctual as always. Alex’s eyes snap up as the door closes behind her, and Maggie can practically see her sigh of relief when she sees Maggie. Maggie feels bad — she hadn’t meant to worry her. 

She manages to smile at Alex as she sits down, and she’s surprised when Alex returns it. Even so, Alex doesn’t look much better off than Maggie, obviously sleep deprived and not at all happy.

The other presentations drag on for Maggie. She keeps chancing glances at Alex, each time finding her looking over her notes with a slight frown. She looks down at her own index cards she’d copied down from their presentation. She’d done her best to memorize them, but it’s not like she’s been particularly focused lately.

“And, last but not least, we have Alex and Maggie,” Hughes calls out. “Come on up, you guys.”

The presentation isn’t hard. Alex takes the lead for the actual presenting parts, though there are a few slides that Maggie made herself that she explains. She fields questions from Hughes and this one kid who keeps asking them for oddly specific details, but everyone else is so tired from the weeks of presentations leading up to that they don’t seem too interested in participating.

Sometimes going last has its benefits.  

But then the presentation ends, and Maggie follows Alex back to their seats. Hughes starts talking like he’s about to dismiss them — something about what a pleasure its been to have them all in his class and to give him a good review when they get the email from the university — and Maggie starts to panic.

She’s not ready to do this.

So as soon as Hughes finishes up his farewell, Maggie gathers her things and basically runs out of there. There’s really no better way to put it — she lets her legs carry her as fast as they can away from Alex.

She knows it won’t work, that Alex will follow her, that with even a month of running every day under her belt Alex could outpace her easily. She just needs to get outside, somewhere with less people, before she breaks.

It’s a gorgeous day out, and Maggie again finds herself wishing it was raining or something. It would be more fitting.

“Maggie,” she hears Alex calling her. “Maggie, wait.”

She stops. She won’t literally run from Alex — that would probably just piss her off, or hurt her, and that’s not what Maggie wants.

So she turns to face her, putting on a brave face.

“Hey, sorry, I just had to…“ She trails off, not wanting to lie to Alex. She shoves her hands in her pockets as she shakes her head. “What's up?"

It’s so casual — as if Maggie doesn’t know what’s going on here — and she feels a bit bad for the pressure that puts on Alex to bring it up. But Maggie is back to kind of hoping she won’t. She’s not ready, she doesn’t want this to end, and maybe if they just pretend like the other night never happened, it won’t have to be like this.

Alex blinks. ”Nothing, I just —“ she hesitates, wringing her hands together. "I wanted to talk to you."

Maggie nods. “You did a good job with the presentation. Sorry I basically left it all to you."

"It's fine," Alex says. "I'm glad it turned out okay."

She knows that that isn’t what Alex wants to talk about, but happy she seems at least willing to play along. Alex eyes her warily, like she’s waiting for Maggie to bolt at any second. Maggie feels bad for putting her in this position. Sure, the initial blow all those years ago was Alex’s doing, but Maggie is hurting Alex too, now.

She crosses her arms, determined to look at anything but Alex. She nods again. “Yeah, it was — you did a really good job.” Great, now she’s repeating herself. “Thanks for that, again." 

"Yeah, no problem," Alex says. Maggie watches as she shuffles her feet. ”You, uh... you've kind of been MIA the past few days."

Maggie lets out the breath she’s been holding. She knew that thinking this conversation was avoidable had been wishful thinking. If Alex wants to talk about it, then Maggie owes that to her. 

She nods. “I know. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I just..." Alex trails off, sighing. "Did I do something wrong?"

It’s a loaded question.

"No, it's not that —“ Maggie starts, but that’s not exactly true either. “I mean... it was kind of something you said, the other night."

“Just let me explain —“

Maggie shakes her head. She needs to get what she has to say out of the way, first. She can’t do that if Alex is standing in front of her, confessing her feelings. “You don’t need to explain. I mean, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just… I can’t, Alex.”

Alex looks lost. “Why?”

“I haven’t been honest with myself and I need to be. I’m not… I’m not ready for this.”

It’s getting closer to what she needs to stay, but it’s obviously not quite there yet, judging by the still-confused look on Alex’s face.

“For what? A relationship? Because when I said that we could go out, I didn’t mean —“

“No. This,” Maggie says, gesturing between them. She sighs, trying to find the words. It’s more than just the idea of getting more serious, starting a relationship — it’s everything about this situation she finds herself completely unprepared for. “Me and you. I’m not…” She stops, takes a second, refocuses. “I shouldn't have even started this. I guess I never really dealt with everything that happened between us.”

It feels good to say the words, but she knows she has so much more left to say. But Alex seems to understand this much, anyway, nodding.

“I know,” Alex says. “I didn’t either. I never… I never told you. How I felt,” she says, voice choking suddenly. “I loved you. I was in love with you, and I never told you.”

Maggie closes her eyes. It somehow hurts worse, that Alex loved her and still did that to her. She shouldn’t be surprised — Alex is not the first person who has loved her and broken her heart. But still, it stings.

Then Alex keeps talking.

“I don’t want to make that mistake again… not when I finally have you back.”

It takes a moment for it to sink in — then Maggie opens her eyes, finding Alex’s immediately. “You…”

“I love you, Maggie," Alex says, voice earnest. "I love you, and I’m sorry, because I know you told me not to, but I can’t — how could I not? If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I ever stopped.”

Maggie’s heart hurts. 

Alex loves her.

She’d had so many things she’s planned to say in the days she knew this conversation would be coming, but none of them seem right anymore now that she knows that Alex is in love with her.

“I — I loved you too. But you knew that, I guess,” Maggie says, words coming out before she really has a chance to process them, mind still reeling. 

“Yeah, kind of.” Alex smiles, though it looks so damn sad, and Maggie feels even worse for what she’s about to say next. 

Maggie gathers herself, straightening her spine as she looks Alex in her eyes. “But that’s exactly my point —“ she says, voice raw as tears force their way into her eyes. “You loved me then and you still broke my heart. What’s to stop you from doing it now? Every person that has hurt me in my life has claimed to love me while they did it.”

It’s not fair, she thinks, to blame Alex for everyone else who abandoned her — but it feels so good to be able to confront someone for it that she can’t stop herself. 

Alex rolls her lips together as she thinks, and each second that passes feels like an eternity to Maggie, wondering if she’s gone too far. 

“You’re right,” Alex says finally. “I don’t — I can’t promise you that I won’t hurt you because I have done it before. But Maggie, the way I loved you in high school — it was nothing like I had ever felt. I didn’t know what to do with it. But it is nothing compared to how I feel about you now, and now I know what I want to do. And I want it so badly.”

Maggie’s heart just about stops beating.

Alex wants her. And she can’t kid herself into thinking she doesn’t want Alex too, but Alex has hurt her before. Can she trust her? And can Maggie trust herself with Alex, with all the things she hasn’t dealt with lurking in the back of her mind. 

There’s no way she can just jump into a relationship with Alex, someone who loves her, when there’s this much baggage holding her down. It will end in disaster; she doesn’t think she can take that.

She can’t destroy her friendship with Alex, not again.

If they’re going to make this work, she needs to get over their past first.

Alex seems to sense her hesitation. She takes a deep, shaking breath, straightening her back before she speaks. 

“But if that’s not what you want too, then… can we please just — can we still be friends? Because I don’t want to lose you again.”

Maggie nods. Tears are flowing freely down her face now. She’s not sure when she stopped fighting them, but she can’t find it in herself to care.

“Yeah — I don’t think I could do that, either,” she admits. That’s what this is all about, after all  — not ruining what she has with Alex.

“Okay. Good.”

Alex is crying, too, and Maggie can’t help but reach for her, her arms wrapping around Alex’s neck as she holds on tight. It’ll be the last time she gets to be like this with Alex for a while, and Maggie doesn’t want to let go.

But she has to.

‘Okay,” Alex says again after Maggie pulls away. “I guess I’ll just —“

“Yeah,” Maggie says, letting her arms drop back to her sides. “I'll see you later?"

Alex nods, and Maggie tries not to let her eyes linger too long as Alex turns and walks away. Knowing Alex, she’ll look back, and Maggie doesn’t want to still be here when she does. She doesn’t think she could handle it.

//

Maggie’s first night on her own isn’t pretty.

She puts a serious dent in the bottle of scotch Winn had delivered for her birthday. She almost sends him a message, a really pathetic one detailing all the ways she’d screwed this whole thing with Alex up from the start, before she thinks better of it and puts her phone onto airplane mode. 

It’s better if no texts get sent, tonight. 

She puts something on the TV. She chooses the first thing that popped up on Netflix without even checking the title, desperate to not be left alone with her thoughts. It doesn’t help much, but it does distract her enough for her to pour herself another drink.

It’s not her healthiest coping mechanism, but she’d already taken one crutch away today when she’d cut off her relationship with Alex.

She takes a long sip of her scotch and turns up the volume on the television. 

//

She wakes up Wednesday morning with a headache. Maggie shields her eyes from the sun from the open blinds of her living room window, taking a moment to recognize where she is. 

The couch. Of course — it’s her bed of choice for most of her worst nights. Something feels wrong about the comfort of her room when everything else in her world is in chaos. Maggie picks up her phone despite everything in her brain screaming at her not to look at the bright screen. But she needs to know — did Alex text her?

No, of course not. Maggie had told Alex she needed space. That means no texts, no calls — she probably won’t hear from Alex for a while, she realizes sadly.

But that’s what she wanted, right? At least, that’s what she thought she wanted. 

There’s a message from her aunt — probably another picture of Herbie, her dog — but other than that, just more emails. She closes her eyes as she rests her hand against her forehead. 

Today is going to be a long day. 

She drags herself off the couch a few minutes later, deciding the pounding of her head upon standing would be worth it if it meant closing those damn blinds. Coffee seems like the most obvious next step, though she struggles with the machine, pressing the wrong button twice before she finally selects the right size. 

How much had she had to drink last night? 

She watches as the coffee drips into her mug, her thoughts slowly creeping back into her mind. 

She’d finally said her piece to Alex, but it hadn’t felt… right. She hadn’t gotten to say everything she needed to say, never mind ask all the questions she has of Alex now. 

Like when had Alex fallen in love with her? Does she want to be with Maggie after all this is said and done? What happened in high school? Why did she push Maggie away? 

And most importantly: how could she do that? 

Maggie takes her mug from the machine, glancing at her fridge before deciding to forgo the creamer — she doesn’t exactly feel like treating herself, today. 

//

It doesn’t take long for Maggie to end up back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. She’d picked up her phone, hoping the internet would be able to distract her, but quickly found herself continuously checking Alex’s messages. She knows there isn’t a new one — she wouldn’t miss that notification no matter how hungover she is — but just looking at the messages kind of makes her feel better. The jokes, the flirting, the just plain  _ talking  _ to Alex — that’s why she’s doing this, to preserve all of that. 

Maggie doesn’t think she’ll get very far on that objective today. Today is for grieving. 

So she leaves her phone on her chest, so she won’t miss the vibration  _ just in case _ , and counts the cracks in her ceiling as she tries to process everything that had happened yesterday.

Alex is in love with her. 

She always has been. 

Maggie doesn’t even know where to start unpacking that. 

So she decides not to try right now— there must be something she can do to distract herself, right? Maggie opens up her streaming service on her PlayStation, but most of the shows in her suggestions are ones she’s been watching with Alex. It feels a little wrong to catch up without her, seeing as they’d stopped following as much when they started to prepare for Maggie’s exam. 

She presses the home button, but frowns when she sees what game is in the drive — Mass Effect. That’s a no, too. 

Maggie opts for an old-school fighting game she’d downloaded from the online store a few months ago, one she’d played with her cousins as a child. But her years of skill seem to be gone today, and after the fifth frustrating and somewhat brutal loss she angrily mashes her way back to the home screen. 

She warily eyes her phone where it sits on the table, knowing that obsession over their texts and dwelling on this certainly won’t help her move on. And that’s the whole point, right? 

It would be so easy for Maggie text Alex something, to just reach out and make contact, but she feels silly for wanting to. She was the one who said they needed to take a break just a day ago so that she can deal with this. But that’s just the thing: even though she hasn’t really given it much of a chance, she can tell already this distance isn’t as helpful as she thought it’d be — not when she has so many things she needs to talk to Alex about. 

Alex was in love with her in high school. Maggie wasn’t just her gay awakening — she was her first love. That is so much bigger than anything Maggie had ever thought she was to Alex. And Alex loves her now, too? 

_ “If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I ever stopped,”  _ Alex’s voice echoes in her head. Maggie knows deep down she feels the same way — has for a while now, although she hasn’t wanted to admit it to herself. How long have she and Alex been on the same page without even knowing? 

Why hadn’t she talked to Alex sooner? 

She should be talking to her  _ now.  _

Maggie reaches forward and grabs her phone, unlocking it quickly and opening up Alex’s thread. She bites her lip as she looks at the empty message, fingers hovering over the keys, suddenly at a loss. 

Maggie has plenty of questions for Alex, but a text doesn’t really seem like the place to start, right?

She puts her phone down. She can’t do this, no matter how badly she may think she wants to. She has to at least give this a few days before she reaches out to Alex. She can’t give up on this plan on day one. 

She owes that to herself.

//

Maggie has her one and only final the next day, so she dedicates her night to studying, though it’s only for an entry-level English literature class for a requirement that she’d been putting off since she started college. They’d submitted a final essay already, so the test itself isn’t even worth that big of a percentage of their grade (apparently they do that a lot in the freshmen classes).

Having something to focus on helps keep Maggie’s mind clear, though she can’t stop herself from periodically picking up her phone and scrolling through her messages from Alex, the ones from before this past week when things were so much easier. It doesn’t help that even studying now reminds her of Alex. 

But what doesn’t at this point? 

//

The final goes well enough. It’s mostly multiple choice, and Maggie is sure she got most of that part right at least, since she had done the readings throughout the semester. But after the test finished Maggie’s left again with a sense of emptiness inside her, the one that she’s reluctant to label.

She decides to clean her apartment, but that doesn’t take long — it’s not very big. Even when she takes the time to dust behind the television and organize her game collection, it only takes her about a half hour to finish at most before she’s stuck alone with her thoughts again. 

She needs something to do other than sit on her couch and circle the same drain over and over again. 

_ Alex is in love with me… so now what?  _ Somehow that fact seems insurmountable, and every time her train of thought crosses it, it screeches to a halt, loud and uncomfortable in her head. 

“Fuck,” she mutters under her breath, closing her eyes. Thinking in circles is getting her absolutely nowhere. Wasn’t this supposed to be the healthy, adult thing to do? She’d asked for space, Alex respected that, and now she has all the room she needs  to deal with her shit. Her therapist would be proud.

Except she’s not dealing with it. How can she when she can barely even start to think about it all without her mind returning to the fact that Alex Danvers is out there, somewhere in National City, in love with Maggie Sawyer?

She needs to talk to someone — she needs to talk to  _ Alex —  _ but she can’t, so she decides to do the next best thing. 

Maggie walks over to the table where her notebook still sits from the night before. She opens it, flipping past her study guides and the pages of doodles Alex had done while Maggie was taking her practice tests, finding a blank page.

She grabs the pen, and hesitates. 

This is dumb, right? Writing to Alex isn’t going to make her feel better. It’s not like she’s going to walk up to her and give her a letter. But this isn’t for Alex — this is for Maggie. 

_ Alex Danvers hurt me,  _ she writes, frowning at the words as they’re laid out on the page. They look wrong, somehow angry on their own, but she resists the urge to scribble them out. Instead she keeps going. 

_ Alex broke my heart _ , she adds on the line below.  _ She saw me for who I was and she ran.  _

Maggie frowns.  _ No — she made  _ me _ run.  _

And Maggie had. Not from her sexuality — that was undeniable at that point — but from being loved. She held her aunt at arms length their entire relationship, despite the fact that she took Maggie in when no one else would. That’s not say she’s doesn’t appreciate everything her aunt has done, she just hasn’t been able to allow herself to get close to another member of her family like that. 

She has basically self-destructed in every romantic relationship she’s been in. Part of that has to be because she hasn’t been with the person she wants, sure, but another big part of it is a struggle to see how anyone could really say they love her and mean it. 

But somehow, she thinks that maybe Alex did when she said it outside of Taylor Hall on Tuesday. 

_ Alex loves me _ , she writes. Just looking at the words makes her feel a little breathless.  _ She loved me while she broke my heart and she loves me now… and I am pretty sure I love her.  _

_ So what am I doing?  _ The words are coming without her thinking about them now.  _ I’m supposed to be healing, I’m supposed to be fixing all of this, but all I am is miserable. Am I really that pathetic, that I need someone who hurt me so badly?  _

She stares at the page, now halfway full (Maggie has never been known for her neat handwriting). She worries her lip as she keeps writing. 

_ I just thought it’d be easier if this time I was the one who ended things. But it’s not. I miss her just as badly, I want to talk to her just as much. What if this wasn’t the right thing to do? Or what if that fact that it hurts so badly means it  _ was  _ the right thing to do?  _

Maggie feels her thoughts finally start to settle, having them exist somewhere outside of her head allowing her mind to quiet for a moment. 

_ I guess I just thought I should be able to handle this on my own — I’ve handled everything on my own for most of my life. But I miss Alex. I want to talk to her. Talking to her isn’t like talking to anyone else. I don’t need to explain myself with her, she just understands. And I didn’t want to ruin our relationship by rushing into things when I’m not ready — but what if I’m ruining things by pushing her away?  _

There it is — the real thing she’s been fearing ever since she found out Alex was in love with her. She’s done this all wrong, hasn’t she? She should have told Alex how she felt from the beginning — maybe they could have dealt with their past first, and built from there. Alex hadn’t told her she was falling for her, but can Maggie really blame her for that? The lack of communication in this whole thing has been staggering, especially for Maggie, who prides herself on being straightforward. 

She sighs, putting down the pen and shutting her notebook. The silence of her thoughts is a little jarring after the constant static buzz of them the past few days. She stares at the papers as she rests her head in her hands, one single thought persisting. 

_ What if I’m ruining everything?  _

//

Maggie is tired of her apartment — she can’t remember the last time she spent this many days in a row here, but outside of the three shifts at the library she has scheduled for this upcoming week, she has nowhere else to go.

So she goes for a run. She does still have a physical to pass soon, after all. 

She tries to ignore just how much the very idea of jogging makes her think of Alex, but it’s kind of pointless by now. She knows that she can’t really try to fight thinking about her, and maybe she shouldn’t. Maybe that’s part of the process — the whole not burying her feelings thing.

She decides campus will be a good enough place to go for a jog. It’s finals week, so there aren’t many people around, and there are plenty of paths winding around their campus. 

She starts out slow — Maggie likes to do that thing where you sprint for short periods of time and get your blood pumping fast — doing a loop around the main campus. It’s when she starts to wander down the path behind the psychology building that she begins to think. 

She’s retracing what must have been Alex’s steps the other day, she realizes, judging by the direction Alex had retreated towards. She can kind of picture her here, hands stuffed in her jacket pockets as she strides quickly to her car, determined not to cry in public. 

It’s then that she realizes tears are gathering in her own eyes. Stupid running, making her feel things. Her emotions become so much more raw when her blood is moving like this, as if it’s carrying all the feelings hidden deep somewhere in her veins to the surface. 

She tries to breathe through it, remembering Alex’s advice when she’d taught Maggie how to run. But the more she pushes, the harder it becomes to contain, and soon her breaths are ragged as she stops off behind a tree, grateful for the abandoned campus as she puts her hands on her knees and lets herself sob for a second. 

She hasn’t done this yet, she realize, hasn’t really let herself cry over Alex — not in high school, and not over the past few days. She’s been fighting it at every step, determined that it was the exact thing she’s been trying to avoid. But she can’t stop it, now, the dam breaking as tears flood her eyes and spill onto her cheeks. 

“Fuck,” she says under her breath as she straightens her back. She wipes her face, sniffing. “Fucking… fuck,” she says again.

_ What are you doing?  _ she thinks. _ Get your shit together, Sawyer.  _

But it doesn’t seem to be that simple. She starts down the path again, this time walking, the energy suddenly sucked from her. 

_ What if I ruined everything?  _ The thought hasn’t stopped since it first occurred to her, even though Maggie reasonably knows that probably isn’t true. Alex had seemed more than understanding when they had talked on Tuesday, so she has no reason to think Alex is harboring anger towards her just a few days later. She’d seemed desperate to remain Maggie’s friend, right? Alex’s feelings for Maggie have always been almost too intense, just like Maggie’s own for Alex. 

Alex isn’t going anywhere, right? She has time. She can deal with this. 

Maggie wonders if that’s just something she’s been built with, this sense that everyone will eventually turn on her. If it is, it’s kind of handy — it hasn’t exactly been wrong so far. 

She stops suddenly, remembering that her mother had texted her that morning asking for the graduation details. It was before she was fully awake, so she’d just tucked her phone back in her pocket, sure she would remember to respond later. 

She hadn’t. 

She doesn’t want it to seem like she’s ignoring her — not when things are already so strained. So she wipes her cheeks again before she pulls out her phone to text her mom all the details — graduation will be  Friday at two on the football field. 

But almost as soon as she’s pressed send, her phone starts to vibrate. The caller ID takes a second to show up because Maggie’s phone is a little on the old side, and Maggie’s heart jumps for a second at the possibility that it might be Alex. 

It’s her mom. 

Maggie takes a deep breath before answering. 

“Hello?” 

“Oh, hi!” Her mother’s voice is a little too loud over the speaker, and she has to move the phone away from her head. “Sorry — I was trying to text you back, and I guess I pressed the wrong button.”

“It’s okay,” Maggie says. “What were you going to say?” 

“That I’ll be there,” her mother answers immediately. “Your aunt and I are going to go together.” 

Maggie remembers how sad her aunt had seemed at her mother’s decision to kick her daughter out — not just for Maggie, but for her sister. The few times they’d talked about it, Aunt Lin had always said that it wasn’t like her, that that wasn’t the woman she knew. 

Maggie’s happy the two of them are reuniting, even if she’s not quite there yet. 

“That’s nice,” she says. “I’ll try to find you after the ceremony, but it’s going to be crazy crowded.” 

“It’s a big school,” her mother says. “I always saw you at more of a liberal arts college. Something small.” 

“Yeah, well… couldn’t afford it,” Maggie says. 

Her mother is silent for a second on the other side of the line. “I’m sorry,” she says finally. “I’m sure it’s a great school.” 

Maggie looks around her, a small smile on her face. “Yeah, it has it’s ups and downs.”

“Maybe you can give me a tour?” 

Maggie falters — she’s still not sure how much time she’s ready to spend with her mother. There’s a lot they need to work through. But she supposes that maybe this is where they need to start. 

“Maybe,” she agrees.   

When they hang up a few seconds later, Maggie is ready to start her run again. Somehow talking to her mom made her feel better, and it’s not just because she’s the only person Maggie’s really spoken to in the past few days. 

It’s that things are so different between them after just one conversation. They’re talking again. They might not understand each other yet, but at least there’s a chance that maybe someday they will. 

Maggie renews her jog with vigor, certain now of what she has to do: she has to talk to Alex. 

If one conversation can work for her mother, imagine what it could do for them, right? 

//

She showers when she gets home, determined to gather her thoughts before she tries to contact Alex. She’s not sure what to say — that a few days of space have been enough? It’s not like she’s really over everything that happened, or like she’s ready to move on completely. She just thinks that maybe this would be easier if they could talk about it. 

She wraps her hair in a towel, puts on some pajamas and curls up on the couch with her phone. She stares at the empty text screen for a full minute, a slight frown on her face. 

How does she even start? 

_ Hey Alex. I know I just said I needed space, but I’ve been doing some thinking and we need to talk.  _

No, that’s too serious. 

_ Alex — can we get together? I want to talk to you.  _

Way too casual.

“ _ Hey, can we talk?” _

It’s simple, it gets the point across, and it doesn’t seem hostile…. right? Maggie hopes not -- she figures it’s the best she’s going manage with her heart racing like this. She presses send and tries to remember if Alex has read receipts on — she doesn’t think so. She spends a few seconds staring at the little “delivered” at the bottom before she takes a deep breath and puts the phone down. 

She’s not going to sit here and watch it until Alex writes back. That will drive her crazy. 

Oddly enough, she’s able to distract herself now. Just the thought of talking to Alex makes her feel a little better. She decides to pick up that same game from the other day, and is actually able to pull out a win or two instead of losing six in a row. But after a few games, she finds herself checking her phone again. 

Nothing.

She makes sure the volume is on extra loud and goes back to playing. 

But the more she plays, the more she becomes preoccupied with the fact that Alex isn’t writing back. 

Why isn’t she writing back? 

Maggie switches to Netflix and picks up her phone. She rereads over her message — it’s all wrong, isn’t it? She should have been friendlier, or explained herself more. Alex promised to be there for Maggie though, right? To be her friend? 

So why isn’t she answering? 

//

It’s been two hours when she decides Alex probably isn’t going to respond.

Maggie doesn’t understand. Is Alex mad at her? She figures Alex has reason to be — Maggie probably should’ve told her where she was at from the beginning, instead of allowing Alex to get this deep, to fall in love with her while knowing that it was all going to end so badly because Maggie would never be ready to be in a relationship with her. 

Alex could probably hate her for that.

Maggie drops her phone on the bed as she lays back and closes her eyes.

She’s in for another long night.

//

She wakes up the next morning sure of what she needs to do. 

She can’t sit here wondering if Alex hates her, or if maybe she just lost her phone. Maggie can’t handle it, not after the week she’s had. She needs to see Alex. Space might’ve been adequate to deal with all their baggage from the past, but Alex had completely thrown her for a loop when she told Maggie she was in love with her. 

She has to talk to Alex; she has things she needs to say. And if Alex won’t answer her texts, that leaves her with only one real option. 

That’s how she finds herself knocking on the Danvers’ door Saturday morning. 

She has a brief moment of panic — that she shouldn’t be here, that Alex probably hates her, that she still has time to run to the stairs before Alex answers — then someone begins undoing the locks on the other side, and she forces herself to swallow her fear and stand tall when Alex opens the door. 

But it isn’t Alex looking surprised to see her once the door swings open— it’s Kara.

“Maggie?” Kara sounds surprised, but her face looks concerned. “Is everything okay?”

“Hey,” Maggie says. “Yeah, I just wanted to see if… is Alex around?”

Kara nods slowly. “Yeah. She’s asleep.”

“Is she doing alright?” Maggie asks.

Kara straightens her mouth into a thin line. “I’m not sure she’d want me to answer that.”

Maggie’s heart drops. That doesn’t sound good.  

“Is she mad at me?”

“No, no,” Kara shakes her head.  She glances behind her before she closes the door, keeping them in the hallway. “She just… she needs time, you know? I don’t think she could see you right now without getting, well… she just, she needs time.”

Maggie understands. This will be painful for her, too, but they need to be able to at least talk to each other. This can’t be the way that this goes. “I only wanted to talk to her for a minute. I feel like there was a lot that was left unsaid, and I — “

“Look, Maggie,” Kara interrupts her. “You’re my friend, and I love you, and I want the best for you and Alex. But it’s finals week, and she’s already a mess, and I just think — could this wait, maybe?”

Maggie’s heart falls a little more. Alex is a mess, and it’s all her fault.

“Yeah. Right. Of course,” she says, ducking her head to hide the tears pricking at her eyes. She hadn’t meant to mess everything up for Alex’s finals, especially not after all the help she’d given Maggie with her schoolwork and everything the past month. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, stealthily swiping at her cheek just in case any wetness escaped. “I’ll uh — I’ll give it some time.”

“Good.” Kara steps forward, like she’s thinking about hugging her (which Maggie so doesn’t think she could handle right now without breaking down), but she stops herself. “Are you okay?”

Maggie’s shoulders are so tense that it hurts when she nods. Her throat feels like it’s closing in on itself, and she needs to get out of there, now.

“I guess I need some time, too,” Maggie manages to get out, then offers Kara a thin smile before she turns to leave.

//

Maggie slams the door shut behind her when she gets to her apartment. She’s surprised she made it back in one piece — she’s not sure she had a single coherent thought on the entire drive. Alex is in love with her, and Maggie broke her heart. Kara hadn’t said as much, but it was pretty obvious from the way she basically shut Maggie out of the apartment. Alex doesn’t want to see her. 

Some sick part of her wonders if this is what she wanted deep down — to exact a twisted revenge for how badly Alex had hurt her — but Maggie is pretty sure that no part of her could want this, even the parts that scare her sometimes. She’d had another chance with Alex, and she’s pretty sure it’s gone.

Maggie drops her keys in the tray and shrugs out of her jacket, suddenly feeling too confined. She looks at her empty apartment, and knows that she can’t spend another night here alone. She needs to talk to someone, and since Kara and Alex have become just about the only people she’s even seen this semester, her options are limited.

Maggie pulls out her phone and calls Winn.

He answers on the third ring.

“Maggie?” his voice comes through the speaker. “Hey! I’m just packing my stuff.”

“Packing?” Maggie asks, confused. She takes a deep breath, hoping the strain is hidden from her voice.

“Yeah — I’m coming for graduation. Sorry, I thought maybe Kara would’ve mentioned I was coming.”

“Oh,” Maggie says, closing her eyes. Kara hadn’t told him. Maggie takes a deep breath — so much for her composure. “That’s what I’m calling about actually. I haven’t been… something happened.”

“Oh no,” Winn says, and Maggie can practically see the look on his face, warm eyes and brows knitted together in concern. “Did you and Alex break up?”

“We weren’t together,” Maggie answers automatically, but then she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose as she walks towards her bedroom. “But I mean — yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“What happened?”

Maggie thinks about how to answer that question. She guesses she should start from the beginning. “I got into the National City Police Department.”

“That sounds like a good thing,” he says. “Is that not a good thing?”

She sits on her bed, sighing. “Well, it means I’ll be sticking around National City. And Alex thought that maybe that meant we could… I don’t know, be something more, but…”

“But you’re not ready for that,” Winn supplies, and Maggie can’t help but wish he were here.

“Right,” she says, voice a tight whisper. “I mean, it wasn’t really supposed to get this far. We were just — I don’t know. I don’t know what we were doing.  I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so stupid.”

She closes her eyes against another rush of tears, determined to not let on that she’s crying.

But Winn probably can tell, judging by the sad noise he makes. “Oh, Maggie, no. That’s not true at all. Why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“I never thought I would do that well on the test — I mean, it was the last week of class and I only had a month to study. But Alex helped me a lot with my school work, and I worked really hard and I — I did it.”

“Of course you did,” Winn says, sounding proud. 

“And then it was like everything I hadn’t been thinking about hit me all at once. I was just — I was scared of what it might mean if I finally actually felt the things that I’ve been pushing down ever since everything between me and Alex happened in high school. And it had been pent up for so long that I just… I didn’t want to deal with it. It terrified me.”

“And now?”

Maggie sighs, eyes trained on her ceiling, determined not to start crying again. “I don’t know. I think losing her now hurts worse than that old wound. She doesn’t want to talk to me, Winn.”

“She needs time. Alex… she kind of shuts down when she’s processing things.”

It reminds her of what Kara had said.

“Yeah. I know,” she says. She sighs, raising a hand to cover her eyes. “She uh — she told me she was in love with me.”

Winn pauses. “‘Was,’ like, in high school? Or right now?”

“Both, actually.”

Winn lets out a low whistle. “Wow. And what did you say to that?”

Maggie closes her eyes at the memory. “I, uh — I told her that love doesn’t stop people from hurting each other.”

“And you’re afraid she’s going to hurt you again?”

Maggie nods, though she knows Winn can’t see.

He seems to sense it though. “Do you think she would?”

Maggie sighs. “I don’t know. She said she wouldn’t, more or less. That she’s changed, that she knows what she wants and… it’s me.”

“Sounds… pretty convincing.”

“Yeah,” Maggie says, closing her eyes again. “I don’t know what to do, Winn. I went to see her, but Kara told me she’s too upset, and it’s finals week, and I didn’t mean to screw everything up for her.”

“Well, finals week won’t last forever,” he says. “Maybe… maybe try talking to her after graduation? I mean it’s not like she’s going anywhere — they’ve got a lease on an apartment.”

“Yeah,” Maggie says, her voice coming out in a sigh. While moping around for a week certainly doesn’t sound ideal… if space is what Alex needs, maybe that’s what’s best for now.

//

Maggie’s happy she has work to keep her from said moping for the next few days. She volunteered for these shifts weeks ago, knowing she didn’t have her own finals to study for and that her coworkers mostly did. And now, it’s a handy distraction. 

Though it doesn’t last long. Halfway into her first shift she starts to plan what she’s going to say to Alex when she sees her. 

She doesn’t really know where to start. There’s four years of feelings to talk about, though the most of the one’s occupying her thoughts lately have been her current feelings for Alex. She has to tell Alex how she feels. 

But first she has to figure that out for herself, though one thing does seem like a pretty obvious place to start: Maggie is in love with Alex. 

There’s no use denying it, at this point. In fact, she’s not sure why she spent so long trying to. It’s not like it was something new — she’d fallen in love with Alex before she’d even known how to fall in love. And now that she’s admitted it to herself, it somehow all feels a little bit easier. 

“Excuse me?” someone asks as they walk up. Maggie snaps to attention. “Could you help me find this?” 

Maggie takes the piece of paper, reading over the name of the book — some textbook this freshman was probably supposed to have been studying from since the beginning of the semester. 

He looks incredibly grateful when she leads him right to where it’s shelved on the second floor. He thanks her before he speed-walks away, obviously needing every second to cram, and Maggie can’t help but laugh to herself a little as she makes her way back to the front of the library.

But then she turns a corner and stops short. 

It’s Alex, standing near the printers, chewing on her thumbnail as she watches her files print. Every few seconds she looks around her, and it takes Maggie a second to realize what she’s looking for— _ she’s looking for me.  _

_ She doesn’t want to run into me.  _

Maggie takes a quick step back into the stacks, closing her eyes as she struggles to find her breath again. She forces herself to think of what Kara had said: Alex needs time. And that time just so happens to intersect with finals week. Of course Alex didn’t want to run into the girl that had pretty much broken up with her a few days ago while she’s printing a paper — god knows that would derail Maggie for at least a week. 

_ She doesn’t hate you, _ Maggie reminds herself.  _ You just have to talk to her.   _

And she will… after graduation.

_ Just three more days,  _ she thinks. She waits another few minutes, until she’s sure Alex has probably fled, to return to her desk. 

//

Maggie wakes up early the day of graduation, entire body thrumming with nerves. Today is the day. She showers, making sure to use the good soap, and even decides to blow-dry her hair. She thought her poor hair dryer had been a waste of space after four years of no use, but on her final day of college she finally pulls it out. 

Her mother would be proud. 

But today is her chance, and she’s going to look good while she takes it. 

She dons her black gown, though she decides not to put the cap on until she actually gets to campus.

It feels a little weird, going on her own. Most people she knows are going with their friends, but her friends, well… 

Hopefully she’ll have them back after today. 

The football field is hot in the late spring sun, and Maggie wonders who decided that college graduates needed to wear black gowns. She finds her assigned seat, surrounded by names she doesn’t know. At least they do the graduations by department, so there aren’t a thousand other names to go through today, just a few hundred. 

It takes her until the seats are almost filled until she spots Alex in the crowd. Her back is to Maggie, D being rows before S, obviously. But still, it’s kind of comforting to know that she’s at least here. Alex isn’t willing to skip her own graduation in order to avoid Maggie. In terms of good signs, it’s pretty minuscule, but Maggie will take it. 

The commencement speaker starts and Maggie immediately tunes out, eyes finding Alex. _ It’s creepy to stare,  _ she chides herself, but she doesn’t stop. 

The announcer starts calling names, his voice low and droning as he reads off rows of people at a time. Each comes across the stage when called, sticking their hand out for a shake and receiving a diploma. Maggie hopes she doesn’t trip — she’s had too many nightmares about that. 

Alex’s row is called, and Maggie watches as she walks to the front row. It’s too far to see, but she knows Alex takes a deep breath before her name is called, centering herself. She can feel Alex’s smile from her seat as Alex walks across the stage — god, she’s missed that.  

When Alex is back in her seat, Maggie finally tears her eyes away. She’s ready for this, right? She’s thought about it — really thought about it, this time — and Alex is what she wants. 

Does Alex still want her? 

The not-knowing is driving her insane. 

But today’s the day, and she can do this. 

Her row starts to stand, and Maggie follows their lead as they walk towards the stage. She waits until she’s passed Alex to look back, but Alex isn’t watching. Her eyes are downcast as she stares intently at her lap, and Maggie wishes that Alex would just look up at her for one second — she’d probably be able to see that Maggie loves her from that alone. 

But she doesn’t. 

It’s almost too much like their high school graduation — each of them with freshly broken hearts, Alex trying her best not to catch Maggie’s eye — except this time, it’s Maggie’s own doing. She feels bad about that, she really does, but at the same time doing this has allowed her to do a lot of thinking about Alex, and about what she wants, and how those two things are one in the same. In a way, it kind of worked — just a lot faster than Maggie had been anticipating. 

And now, she needs to fix this. 

Maggie must’ve gotten lost in her thoughts, because she barely catches her name being announced. “Margarita Sawyer,” the man reads, and she starts her climb up the stairs. She hears an outburst in the crowd, and her eyes quickly find Winn and Kara towards the back, standing and cheering for her. She can’t help the smile spreading across her face at the sight of them, though it catches a little when she sees Eliza standing next to them. She wonders if Eliza knows that Maggie broke her daughter’s heart — judging by the clapping, probably not. It makes her feel a little guilty, and she tries to quash it as she steps onto the stage. 

She manages not to trip as she walks across, though that’s about all she’s aware of until she’s on the other side, heart still racing from being up in front of everyone. 

It stops completely when she reaches the bottom step and looks up to see Alex, looking back at her. She stops for a second, until the guy behind her nudges her forward and she almost slips off the step. When she regains her footing and looks back up at Alex, she can’t see her anymore, lost in the sea of faces.

_ Shit.  _

The rest of the ceremony goes smoothly and rather quickly — thank god her name was almost at the end of the alphabet, Maggie thinks she might faint if she had to spend much longer out here with the sun beating down on her robes. 

Maggie only half-heartedly throws her cap in the air when the time comes, wanting to be certain she gets it back. She wants something to remember this day by, no matter how it ends up going. 

She doesn’t wait for the crowd to clear before she starts making her way through it, determined to reach the back where she knows the Alex Danvers’ fan club is sitting. That’s where Alex Danvers will probably be, after all. 

But then she sees her mom and aunt, standing in the aisle, and knows she has to stop for this. The two of them are talking, and it doesn’t seem to be an argument, judging by their expressions. Neither of them notice Maggie as she approaches. 

“Hey — you guys made it,” Maggie says when she’s within hearing distance. 

Both turn to look at her, and her aunt lights up immediately. 

“There she is!” she practically shouts, while her mother just smiles next to her. Maggie hugs her aunt, then looks down at where her mother is still sitting. 

“I’m glad you could come,” she offers, and it’s enough to get her mother on her feet.

“Me too,” her mother says. “With honors, huh?” 

Maggie shrugs. “I’m a good study.” 

“I always did think you’d end up in medical school,” her mom says. 

_ Like dad,  _ Maggie realizes. “Yeah, well — there’s always my mid-life crisis.”

Her mother laughs, and Maggie can’t help but notice that it looks unfamiliar on her face, like she hasn’t seen her look like that in a long time — much longer than the four years they’ve spent apart. 

“I need a picture with the graduate,” her aunt says suddenly, pulling out her phone to hand to Maggie’s mother.

“Say cheese!” her mother says, and Maggie can’t help but laugh when her aunt does so. Her mother lowers the phone, frowning as she squints at it. “How do I see the picture?”

“Here,” Maggie offers, holding out her hand to take it. She opens up the picture, smiling when she sees the slightly crooked framing. “It’s cute.”

Her mother hums, smiling as she looks down at the phone. There’s a certain sad look in her eye, though, and Maggie has a feeling she knows what it is.

“Want to get one with all of us?”

Her mother lights up as she nods. She sees a girl she knows and waves her over.

“Sarah, hey — could you take our picture?”

She spends another few minutes with her family until her aunt says they need to get out of here — “this heat is atrocious,” her aunt says as she fans herself with her program — and she bids them goodbye.

Maggie isn’t sure why she does it, but she actually hugs her mother when she makes to leave.

“Thank you for coming,” she says when she pulls away.

“Thank you for letting me come,” her mother says. Maggie tries to ignore the tears gathering in her mother’s eyes as she smiles at her — her mother is too proud for that. 

//

As soon as her aunt and mother leave, Maggie heads straight for where she’d seen Winn and Kara earlier. She slows as she walks up, suddenly nervous. 

But it’s for nothing — they’re not there.

“Shit,” Maggie says, scanning the crowd for Kara’s face — she’s the tallest of the group. But they’re definitely not here, and they’re not in the crowd spilling out into the campus, and Maggie searches for a full five minutes before she finally gives up. 

She’s not talking to Alex today, after all.

Maggie finds herself walking slowly around campus, not really sure where to go. She can’t head to the parking lot, not yet — it’s going to be too swamped, and she’d rather spend the time she’d be waiting in line for the bus walking around. 

She waves at a few of her classmates she passes, though she knows she’s probably not really selling her smile. She had only seen glimpses of Alex today, and after spending a whole week just telling herself to wait until graduation, let down is a bit of an understatement for how she’s feeling.

She’s not sure what she expected — that she’d search through the crowd for Alex after graduation, find her at the very last second, make some big speech, take her in her arms and live happily ever after?

Maggie stops in her tracks.

Wait a second  — that’s exactly what she had been thinking. 

No, it’s more than that — it’s what she  _ wants.  _

She doesn’t give herself time to think before she pulls out her phone, bringing up her message thread with Winn. 

_ “Hey. Where are you guys? I need to talk to Alex.” _

He replies almost immediately.  _ “NOW?? Oh god. Okay. Hold on, I have no idea where we are.” _

Maggie starts to walk, heading for the exit. She knows Alex doesn’t like crowds, and she’s sure the Danvers family wouldn’t be hanging around for long after the ceremony.

Her phone buzzes in her hand a second later, confirming her suspicions.

_ “Hurry, they’re getting ready to leave.” _

The text comes along with a picture of Kara and Eliza in front of the fountain. She can see Alex, just in the corner of the frame. The fountain is in front of the administration building — across the campus, and close to the parking lot. She can make it there, if she hurries.

Maggie starts to run.

She checks for Alex around every corner as she heads for the administration building. She jogs down the steps, using the height to look for Alex, heart sinking when she comes up empty.

She finds the exact spot in the photo, now occupied by some guy and his parents, grinning in front of a camera. She hurries down the path heading towards the parking lot, half-running as she weaves through the slow-moving crowd.

There’s a line waiting for the bus, and Maggie walks up it, getting weird looks as she speed-walks as fast as she can without causing a scene, not that she really cares.

She only cares about one thing: finding Alex.

And Alex isn’t here.

“Double shit,” she says, pulling out her phone to see if there’s another text from Winn. He would have told her if she’s too late, right? But there isn’t one, and she resists the urge to throw her phone on the ground, instead searching the crowd for Alex’s face.

“Maggie?”

She doesn’t need to turn around to recognize that voice. 

She does anyway, the air knocked out of her lungs when she sees Alex standing there, cap on her head, looking at Maggie like the sight of her is leaving her breathless, too.

“Alex,” she says, taking note of Eliza, Kara, and Winn standing behind her in front of the bus terminal. Winn offers her a tiny wave, his phone in his hand, but she ignores it, looking back to Alex. “I was hoping we could — can we talk?”

Alex’s nod is minuscule, but she does take a step towards Maggie.

“Okay,” Alex says, folding her arms. “I don’t — I’m not sure what there is left to say. I really am sorry, Maggie.”

Maggie shakes her head. She’s not here to make Alex feel bad about falling in love with her, not again. Quite the opposite, actually.

The thought of what she’s about to say has her heart racing. But she needs to get through this — for Alex.

“No, it’s not that,” she insists, voice already cracking. “I wanted to say that… that I’m sorry, too.”

Alex tilts her head, frowning. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

“A lot,” Maggie says honestly. “I haven’t been fair to you, or to us, really. I was… I was so hurt by everything that happened between us in high school, you know?”

It feels cathartic, saying out loud, but Alex looks wounded by her words and Maggie hurries to continue.

“I just… I hadn’t dealt with it, not really. Everything with my family happened right after, and I kind of shoved it away and then four years later, here you are and I have another chance and I…” she stops, taking a step closer. “I hope I didn’t ruin it.”

Alex’s face softens a little, but her frown remains. “What do you mean?”

Maggie takes a deep breath, gathering her thoughts. “I had never been in love before I met you, Alex. I thought I had, but not… not really. You made me feel things that I didn’t even know were possible. And then you hurt me, so badly.”

Alex drops her gaze, jaw setting. Maggie can see the tears gathering in her eyes, and knows she needs to get to the point.

“I was afraid of feeling that pain again, but…”

Maggie blinks at her own sudden rush of her tears, and decides she can’t stand this any more. She closes the distance between them.

“We got through what happened once before, and we had to do that alone. I don’t know about you, but for me, that was terrifying. And I was scared that digging all this old stuff up would hurt as badly as it did the first time around but it — it doesn’t, not even close. What hurts now is that I’m still dealing with it all by myself. What hurts now is that I can’t just talk to you about everything that I’m feeling — that I miss you.” 

Maggie reaches out for Alex’s hands, happy when Alex lets her take them. It helps, a little, to give her the guts to keep going.  

Maggie lets out a shaking breath, then continues. “I think…. I think together, we can move past this. I think together, we can help each other heal.”

Alex blinks at her, and she can practically see the realization dawning on her face. 

“You’d want that? To be with me?” Alex asks, and Maggie nods. 

Alex looks down at their hands, clasped together. “But… what if I hurt you again?”

“We’re going to hurt each other, Alex,” Maggie says. “I’m not afraid of that — life happens. Things might get hard, but if we talk to each other… I think we’ll be okay.” 

“Yeah?” Alex asks, breaking into a watery smile. 

“Yeah, Danvers,” Maggie says, laughing through her tears at the stupidly cute look on Alex’s face — grinning despite the tears on her face, eyes brimming with hope. Maggie takes a step closer. “I really do. If that’s — if that’s what you want too, I mean.” 

“Maggie…” Alex says, voice soft. She smiles, shrugging. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more.” 

And now Maggie is crying again, though she doesn’t have time to wipe her tears before Alex’s hands are on her face, thumbing them away before she leans in. Maggie closes her eyes as Alex kisses her, standing on her toes to reach Alex in whatever ridiculous shoes she has on. Her arms wrap around Alex’s neck, and she’s vaguely aware that she’s knocked the cap clear off Alex’s head when she hears laughter coming from behind them. 

Then the applause.

Maggie pulls back, but she can’t look away from Alex’s face. She watches as Alex rolls her eyes when she sees what Maggie assumes must be Kara and Winn being obnoxious behind her, but Alex is still smiling nonetheless when she looks back at Maggie. 

“You’re sure about this?” she asks, crinkling her nose. 

Maggie scrunches her face as if thinking, then shrugs. “Pretty sure,” she says, and Alex smacks her shoulder lightly before she pulls her in for a hug. 

“So, you’re saying you like me, right?” Alex asks quietly. It seems like a ridiculous question, given everything Maggie had just confessed to her, but Maggie understands the need for clarity at this point. 

She pulls back to look Alex in the eyes, mustering up all the courage she has left to get these last few words out. 

“I’m saying I love you, Danvers.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, this is it. Thank you all for reading.
> 
> This sounds ridiculous, but finishing this fic is almost my biggest accomplishment (next to my college degree or whatever). It’s been incredibly personal and at times very difficult. This story is so close to my heart, and writing it has really helped me deal with a lot of my own things I’ve kept buried. I’ve never written anything of this length, and just knowing that I am capable of finishing a 150k work of fiction is crazy to me. But I really couldn’t have done it without you guys. 
> 
> Again, sorry if it seems like I’m making such a big deal out of finishing a fan fiction, but it really is to me. 
> 
> I haven’t gotten to respond to all of you who have left comments over the past year or so and I’m really sorry about that, because some of you have been with me from the beginning and I’m so grateful! So I’d just like to give a shout out to some of the people who have been incredibly kind with their reviews whose support has driven me to finish this fic:
> 
> a_pterodactyl, Aregal, RealityCheck, mssawyerdanvers, revolutionarydork, qxr, cairophoenix, bluemoth, clickclaire, emisonsanvers, LittleHaven, ItsLexi, CosimaBlackfyre, EvilRegal12, Mnemmers, 700wordsAmonth, sarcasticsaphhic, seaunicorn, Sonia, Ladi_dadi, Bloedhgarm, Mybestself, chosenoone14, magicleigh, zipzin, AthenaDelMar, Supergirl_everything, amandaaagoh, forlond, honey_hill, JustJessHere, iwishiwasbrave, AlmostAsGoodAs_I_do, VillageVoice, RedShirt, and everything_96. 
> 
> I’m sorry if I missed some of you who have been commenting all along, but there were a lot of comments to reread through. But to everyone who has ever given kudos, left a review, or sent a message on Tumblr or Twitter — seriously, thank you. You have no idea how much that kind of thing keeps me going and has helped me. 
> 
> An extra-loud shoutout to MGmt, who has written almost as many words in her reviews as I have in this fic and helped me immensely with this last chapter. I can’t wait to work on more stuff with you in the future. 
> 
> And of course, to my love Katina, who inspired this whole thing. I could have never written this without you. Thank you for all the times you’ve let me turn down the music in the car to tell you about the random scene idea I’d just had. Thank you for fixing (most of) my typos. Thank you for talking me through all the hard stuff, for telling me I’m not crazy, and for always being there. 
> 
> If you have any questions or just want to talk, I’d love to hear from you on Tumblr @aka-patsywalker or Twitter @aka_patsywalker 
> 
> I’ll be posting an epilogue shortly :)
> 
> P.S. this fic has been so, so inspired by the album Communion by Years & Years. I've listened to it hundreds of times while writing this, and that's not an exaggeration. Just as I was finishing up this final chapter, Years & Years just released a new album. I didn't want to listen to it until I was finished with communion to give myself a reward for actually getting it done, but as soon as I finished this chapter last night, that was the very first thing I did. I can now say I'm 99% sure it will be the inspiration behind my next fic, and will probably be my next favorite album after Communion. 
> 
> So if you all are interested, go check it out! It's called Palo Santo and it's on Spotify.


	21. epilogue: i want to love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the little epilogue I have for this story :) It's not much, but I felt like it did need a little something to show their future together. 
> 
> If you haven't read Chapter 20 yet, please go back and read it now! Again, this is the epilogue - if you haven't read the long chapter from Maggie's POV yet, you're gong to be missing a lot. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_ One year later  _

Alex removes the last frame from the cardboard box on the living room table. She walks over to the wall, straight to the only empty spot left in the collection of photos. She hangs it on the nail waiting there, stopping for a second to make sure it’s straightened just right — Maggie is a stickler for these things. 

She takes a step back to look at all of the frames on the wall, arranged in a cute cluster design Maggie had found on some blog. There’s the photo of her, Kara and Winn at their high school graduation. It hadn’t been a happy day, but Maggie had insisted she hang it — it’s part of their story, now. A photo of Alex and Maggie at their college graduation, donned in their black gowns, hangs above it. If she looks closely, she can still see the tear tracks on her cheeks, but with the huge smile on her face they could be mistaken for tears of joy. They probably were — she was pretty much the happiest girl in the world, in that moment.  

A pair of arms wrap around her waist, a kiss landing on her shoulder. Alex hums as she leans back into Maggie. 

“Looks great, babe,” Maggie says, squeezing when her hand sits on Alex’s hip. 

“Like you didn’t mark out every single spot,” Alex says with a laugh. “How’s the kitchen?”

“Clean and ready for stocking— still waiting on that food, though,” Maggie says, letting go of Alex to take a step around her. 

Alex glances at her watch. “Kara said they’d be here around two with some groceries. You got the folding table set up?”

They haven’t had much time to move into their new apartment yet. Maggie’s been pretty busy at work, and Alex has been applying to graduate school and packing up her stuff at her apartment with Kara as well as helping Kara move into her own new place. Her sister had her dream job at CatCo lined up after graduation — thanks to a glowing recommendation from Cat Grant. 

So things like a table and chairs will come later — for tonight, they have their couch, their bed, and whatever clothes they could fit in the few cardboard boxes they had lying around. And themselves, of course.  

Alex isn’t sure why exactly she decided to prioritize hanging up their pictures during the first day of the move — it just made it feel more like a home. 

“We’re good to go,” Maggie says. She takes a step towards the wall, taking her time as she looks at each photo. She smiles as she looks at the one of the two of them at prom. “I still can’t believe your mom got that framed.” 

“I think she’s been waiting to hang that one up since she took it,” Alex says, scrunching her nose. Her mother has been more than supportive about her relationship with Maggie. She’s not sure her mother has ever been this involved in anything in her life, actually. Not that she’s complaining — Maggie loves Eliza. “I mean, she must’ve had the file saved somewhere in order to get it in this size.” 

“Dork runs in the family,” Maggie says, and Alex swats at her. 

There’s a sudden knocking at the door, a pattern Alex would recognize anywhere as Kara. Sure enough, just a second later her voice comes flitting through the door.

“Open up — we’ve got food!” 

Alex can hear Winn laugh behind the door. She assumes Lena’s probably with them too — the three of them are roommates now, and have been kind of inseparable these past few months.

“Speaking of… I’ll get that,” Maggie says. 

Kara hugs Maggie as soon as she opens the door, and sure enough Winn and Lena are waiting right behind her. 

“This is beautiful!” Kara says before she hugs Alex. 

“It’s an apartment,” Alex reminds her. 

“But it’s yours!” 

Lena is up next with a bottle of wine named something Alex doesn’t recognize (probably because it’s too expensive). She knows better than to argue with Lena about the gift — the girl liked extravagant gestures. 

“Oh, I’ll take that,” Maggie says, reaching out for it before Alex gets a chance. “Thank you Lena.” 

Lena smiles at them, and Winn pops out from behind her. “I don’t have a present, but I am carrying the groceries, so if you could just…” 

“Sorry!” Lena steps out of the way, and Winn grimaces through a smile as he walks into the almost empty apartment. 

“Hey!” he greets Alex, but everyone is already moving out of his way as Alex points him towards the kitchen. “We got the good stuff.” 

“He means cheese platters,” Kara supplies. “Two of them. And stuff for dip!” 

But two cheese platters and a casserole dish-full of dip later, and everyone still seems hungry. 

They all stand around the folding table where the food had been a few minutes ago, despite the fact that the dishes are empty and there’s a perfectly good couch not in use just a few feet over in the living room. Kara’s resorting to eating the chips plain after Winn used a spoon to scrape every last bit of dip off the bowl. Lena, always polite, just keeps drinking glasses of ice water. 

Maggie leans in close so only Alex can hear. “Maybe we should order a few pizzas?” 

Kara’s eyes light up from across the room — she always has had a crazy sense of awareness for when people are talking about food. It’s like her superpower. “Did someone say pizza?” 

//

The pizza place down the road has an excellent pie, it turns out, and Kara says she thinks it might just be her new favorite place as she goes for her third slice (a declaration Alex has heard way too many times in her life to believe at this point). 

Lena waits until after they’ve finished eating to announce she’d brought another housewarming present — the latest version of whatever board game it is Winn is obsessed with lately. He practically squeals when he sees it, and starts unwrapping it immediately.

“We’ll get the mess, you guys set up the game,” Maggie says as she stands. They’d moved over to the living room when the pizza arrived, so they leave their friends on the couch as they move to the kitchen. 

Alex helps Maggie gather up the paper plates and the empty-ish boxes. It’s not much to clean up, so she goes to tell Maggie she can handle it on her own, when she sees Maggie standing at the sink, watching their friends through opening in the wall. 

She doesn’t seem to notice as Alex sidles up next to her. 

_ Lost in thought probably _ , Alex thinks. 

Alex nudges Maggie shoulder with her own, and Maggie looks up. 

“You okay?”

Maggie nods, shakes her head, then settles on shrug. “Just thinking,” she answers after a moment.

Alex waits, knowing that Maggie probably has more to say if she just gives her a few seconds. She watches as Maggie rolls her lips together, and is happy to see that she doesn’t really look upset, just a little… confused, maybe?

Maggie looks over at Alex this time when she starts to talk. “I was just — I’ve lived so many places, you know? Good and bad. And it’s kind of crazy, because we’ve only officially been here for pretty much a few hours, but…” 

Alex watches the soft smile light Maggie’s face as her eyes trail across the room, at their empty apartment and their friends sitting on the couch, laughing at something Kara’s just said. 

“I think this place already feels more like home than anywhere else I’ve ever been.” 

It warms Alex’s heart to hear. There was a time when she was afraid to mean everything to Maggie, because so many people had let her down before, including Alex herself. Except now, she isn’t afraid, because Alex is pretty positive she won’t be one of them ever again. 

Maggie is her home, too. 

“Is that okay?” Alex asks, because she likes to be sure with Maggie.  

Maggie nods. “It’s a little scary, but — yeah. I think it’s good.” 

“Good,” Alex says, looping her arm around Maggie as she pulls her in close. If they stand just right, Maggie fits into the spot right underneath Alex’s jaw. It’s one of her favorite ways to hold Maggie, and she can’t help but want to keep her here for a few minutes, even though she knows that wouldn’t mean being a bad hostess and leaving their friends waiting.

The group in the living room laughs loudly again — Winn’s doing, this time — and Alex smiles. 

“They’re cute,” Maggie admits, and Alex laughs as she presses a kiss against the top of Maggie’s head.

“Yeah, I guess,” Alex says, but her tone betrays her as she looks on at her sister and her friends. It’s good to see Kara happy. She’d been afraid that her sister would be lonely after Alex moved one day, but she’s really found her place. 

Maggie straightens up, then turns to face Alex. “I guess we should get in there.” 

Alex’s hand stops her from getting to far, fingers lacing with Maggie’s. Maggie looks down at them, then back up at Alex. “Something wrong?” 

“Well, there is one more thing,” Alex says, stepping forward to reach her girlfriend (it still feels good to call her that, even after a year). She leans in to capture Maggie’s mouth in a long kiss. 

“Welcome home, Maggie.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support. The comments on the last chapter have been so overwhelming, I haven't even begun to respond yet. I promise I will soon! 
> 
> Look for another fic from me in the next few weeks :)


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